Cupid's Needle

Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.

Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.

Eugene: I know. We’re all so high right now. Our second relapse and we’re all only 18…

All: Shit…

Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.

Terrence: What is it, Bob?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob?

Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.

Eugene: Come on, Bob! We’re all heroin addicts. What chick is gonna want to do us?

Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin, Eugene! We can hide it.

Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.

Bob: We’ll figure out a way.

Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.

Eugene: Me too.

Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.

SCENE: Lover's Point

Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.

Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.

Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?

Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.

(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.

Terrence: And then?

Bob: And then I puked on her.

Terrence: No!

Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.

Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?

Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.

Eugene: Man. Getting laid is gonna be harder than we thought.

Bob: I know it.

Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.

Eugene: Well good luck with that!

Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.

SCENE: A romantic French restaurant

Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.

Terrence: I’m glad you think so.

Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?

Terrence: What?

Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.

Terrence: Really?

Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?

Terrence: I knew it!

Gisele: What’s that?

Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”

Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.

(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)

Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!

Terrence: …

Gisele: Terrence?!!

(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)

Terrence: …insulin?…

Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?

Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.

Eugene: She caught you? Rough. But how’d you get the burn marks?

Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.

Eugene: And the cuts?

Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….

Eugene: Bob, you caught on fire once, right?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?

Bob: …

Eugene: Oh man. Dude…I think he just O.D.’d!

Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!

(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)

Eugene: We’re never gonna get laid this way!

Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!

Shakespeare's Apprentice

William Shakespeare is a successful playwright living in old London. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s got the world at his fingertips. He’s the Stephen King of his day and everyone wants to be him. So what does he do? He gives someone a chance. In what many deem as a medieval publicity stunt, Shakespeare announces that he will pick someone to be his apprentice. Everyone in London is eligible, and wherever Shakespeare goes, people try to stand out. However, Shakespeare soon proves remarkably picky about whom he will take on.

Then, one day at the local fishmarket, Shakespeare sees Corbin Mantruck. He’s dirty, he’s poor, and he speaks in iambic pentameter. He’s perfect. Shakespeare has found his apprentice. Shakespeare makes Corbin Mantruck bathe, take that hat off, and then he begins to teach him the ways of the playwright.

It’s a huge surprise when we find that Corbin is an exceptional apprentice playwright. He soon begins writing plays that Shakespeare could only dream of writing. Though Mantruck’s plays aren’t in iambic pentameter, Shakespeare is stunned to see that they are, in fact, in diambic decameter and triambic pentakaidecameter. Corbin’s plays are so good that only William Shakespeare is able to appreciate them fully. It’s Good Will Hunting all over again.

But Shakespeare has grown used to wealth, celebrity, and velvet clothes. He’s long been known as the greatest playwright that ever lived and now he’s scared to give it up. And while Corbin Mantruck locks himself up in a room and continues writing plays, Shakespeare puts on Mantruck’s plays as if they were his own.

England loves the new plays and all the shows sell out except the first one. Shakespeare becomes even more famous and wealthy as the new plays have even more explosions, nudity, and swears, all of which leave audiences gasping for more.

Shakespeare knows he’s living a lie though, and his fame becomes empty and his riches become worthless. And boy does he start drinking. Though he receives Tony award after Tony award for Mantruck’s plays, they are just constant reminders of how fucking great Corbin Mantruck really is. In one stunning scene, after a Tony Awards, a jealous and drunken Shakespeare intrudes on the reclusive Mantruck. Shakespeare tells Mantruck that all of Mantruck’s plays have been garbage. Garbage! Amazingly, Mantruck agrees with Shakespeare, (!) but he tells him that the one he is writing now is his masterpiece. His masterpiece!

Shakespeare reads the first draft of Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece and it blows his boots off it’s so good. Ashamed and crying, Shakespeare gets on his knees and confesses his plagerism crimes to Corbin Mantruck. What can he do? he pleads, What can he do to make it up to Corbin Mantruck? Mantruck tells Shakespeare that the only way he can make it up is to win London’s annual marathon race and donate the £500,000 prize to the local fish market.

Shakespeare can’t do it alone. His drinking problem has made him overweight and out-of-shape and he’s in no condition to run a marathon. Fortunately, Corbin Mantruck has an idea. He quickly sets to work writing a new play, a play where Shakespeare is the star. In the play, Shakespeare’s character does warm ups, jumps rope, eats healthy, and quits drinking. To rehearse for the play, Shakespeare does all these things. Soon he has abs of steel and he’s very in shape. It’s a true testament to Corbin Mantruck’s playwrighting ability.

On the day of the big race, both Shakespeare and Mantruck line up as contestants. They’re longshots because they’re up against known cheaters Christopher Marlowe, Francis Bacon, Barry Allen, and Edward de Vere, all of whom are dressed solely in black 15^th century running gear.

The race starts and sure enough, Marlowe puts tranquilizers in Shakespeare’s water, Bacon cuts Shakespeare’s Achilles’ heel, Allen uses his powers, and de Vere uses his roller-skate shoes. It’s looking bad for Shakespeare, and he’s upset because he really wants win the money for the fish market so he can make up his plagiarism crimes to Corbin Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck, expecting these troubles, is quick to react. In no time at all he writes another script in which Marlowe, Bacon, Allen, and de Vere all die before completing the race. Quickly, Mantruck passes out the screenplay to each of the four cheaters. Soon they are all dead, and Mantruck’s only problem now is getting the tranquilized and crippled Shakespeare across the finish line. In an act of complete heroism, Corbin Mantruck writes a script giving him the strength to pick up William Shakespeare and carry him across the finish line. As they cross the finish line together, Mantruck tells Shakespeare that he never cared about the plagerism. He just cared about their friendship. The movie closes as we watch Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece play. It is called “Shakespeare’s Apprentice,” and it’s the Corbin and Shakespeare’s story.

Drug Suitcase

Trichelle: I can’t be with you anymore, Clive. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me.

Clive: Come on, Trichelle, It’s not that I don’t love you. I so do. It’s just that sometimes I’m too sleepy to say it!

Trichelle: To sleepy? That is b.s.! Narcolepsy isn’t even real! You don’t love me!

Clive: Narcolepsy is real, Trichelle! And I do too! I do too love you!

Trichelle: I’m not even a little bit convinced.

Clive: What do I have to do to convince you?

Trichelle: You probably can’t convince me!

Clive: I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you, Trichelle. Right… (yawn)…right after this nap…

Trichelle: This is unreal, Clive. This is unreal.

Clive: (snore)

(8 hours later)

Clive: (awaking) Trichelle? Trichelle are you still there?

(Clive looks around to see that she has gone)

Clive: Damn it! I probably love her and I need to prove it to her!

Nelson: Hey Clive, I can help you out, baby.

Clive: Oh no! Nelson, you are a drug dealer. You can’t help me out.

Nelson: Oh yes I can. I can help you stay awake cool. Look, I’ve got speeeeeeeed….

(Nelson opens up the suitcase he was carrying. The suitcase appears to glow a little and a ton of speed pills spill onto the floor.)

Clive: Come on. You’re telling me that those speed pills will stop me from getting sleepy?

Nelson: You bet I am, mamma-jamma.

Clive: Right sure but you just want to get me hooked on drugs.

Nelson: Mmmm-hmmmm…

Clive: Okay…well…how much for the suitcase?

Nelson: How about I give you this suitcase full of speed and you give me Trichelle?

Clive: What?

Nelson: It’s easy breezy, baby. You give me Trichelle and you get this whole suitcase full of speed. Oh my God, it’s so fly.

Clive: I…I can’t get Trichelle unless I have speed, and I can’t get the speed unless I give up Trichelle!

Nelson: Oooh-weee!

Clive: I guess…I guess the only thing I can do is agree. I lose Trichelle either way. At least this way I get a suitcase full of speed.

Nelson: Now you’re catchin’ on! Shooot….

(Nelson hands Clive the suitcase full of speed and then walks away with a limp)

Clive: Wait! Nelson! You didn’t tell me how many of these pills I’m supposed to take!

(Nelson doesn’t answer so Clive takes a lot of pills)

Clive: I’m invincible! I can run like a bullet! I can jump like a kangaroo! With this energy I can stay awake! I can win Trichelle back! Goodness, my heart...my heart is beating so fast!

(Clive runs and jumps extremely fast. His eyes are wide open and his teeth are clenched. But the dangerous drugs are soon too much, and he quickly begins screaming)

Clive: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Clive’s heart literally bursts out of his chest. Clive falls to the floor and his eyes watch in amazement as his heart, still beating, bounces down the hill. Clive was on a hill when this happened)

Clive: ….I’m…so…sleepy….

(Clive dies. Just as he does, eight-year-old Terry Yondle walks up and sees the closed speed suitcase)

Terry: Oh boy a suitcase! I’m gonna play businessman!

(Terry takes the suitcase and walks away)

Elsewhere, down the hill:

Trichelle: I don’t know, Nelson. You’re a bad boy and I like that, but I don’t know if I’m ready for you. You see, I just broke up with Clive like eight hours ago.

Nelson: Oh baby, baby. You’ve been ready for me for a long time. Shoot. Let’s not kid ourselves, I’ve seen where your eyes wander.

Trichelle: Well…as long as you don’t hurt anybody.

(Clive’s beating heart, bounces into Trichelle’s forehead)

Trichelle: (screams) This…this heart! Oh my God, this heart! I know it! I’d know it anywhere! It’s mine. He said it’s always been mine, and he was just using it. Clive…he’d always say that (Clive had said these words earlier, perhaps during the credits?) But if this is the heart he was using, that means….CLIVE IS DEAD! You did this to him, didn’t you Nelson?! I hate you! You and I will never be!

(Trichelle runs away crying)

Nelson: (to himself) Well if I don’t get Trichelle, that means Clive don’t get the suitcase full of speed! I’m gonna go get what’s mine!

Welcome To The Jungle

Scene: Ira Buchman [Mad About You] is the famous explorer. On this day he is hiking through the jungles of South America. He is by himself and there is no person anywhere even close to him. It is raining and he is cutting a path through the trees with a machete.

Ira: (speaking to himself) What a jungle! So thick! I don’t think anybody has every been here before.

(Ira passes a statue of the Egyptian god Horus, but he doesn’t even see it and he keeps cutting)

Ira: I mean, there are literally 1 billion people on Earth. Walking on land that no man has ever walked on before feels…I don’t know…good.

(Just 15 feet away from Ira, but blocked from his view, we see an exact duplicate of the rocks at Stonehenge.)

Ira: (Still hacking his way through the jungle and a snake that got in the way) There’s something about the air here. It’s electric, like it’s filled with mini-lightnings.

(We see a Mayan statue that is once again just out of Ira’s point of view. And then we see a merman statue from Atlantis)

Ira: Hmmm…that’s weird. It looks like there’s a clearing ahead. Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!

(When Ira clears through the bushes, we see enormous thatch houses everywhere. There is a huge city only instead of people living in it, a bunch of big Sphinx’s live in it. They are part human, part lion, and all beautiful. A she-sphinx, her bare breasts blowing in the wind, hears Ira say “Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!” and is startled. She quickly gallops over to Ira)

Trinxy the she-sphinx: Are you mad, man-ape? Do you want to get yourself killed?

Ira: This is amazing!

Trinxy: Don’t you see that you have to be quiet?

Ira: (whispering) Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is ask questions! Why don’t you just talk to me?

Trinxy: Are sphinx’s not mortally bound to speak only in questions?

Ira: (whispering) I see. Well, thank you for the warning and for your help. But you must understand my excitement! Nobody thought Sphinx’s were real!

Trinxy: Haven’t you seen the statue in Egypt?

Ira: (whispering) Yes, but we thought it was a fictional statue. What is your name?

Trinxy: Did I forget to tell you my name is Trinxy?

Ira: Yes. Nice to meet you, Trinxy. My name is Ira Buchman.

(Ira takes out his pistol and shoots Trinxy in the brain. As she falls to the ground dead, she drops a weapon that looks like sphinx harpoon. Startled, Ira looks at it and notices it is labled “man-ape gun.”)

Ira: Oh my God! What’s this? It looks like Trinxy was going to kill me!

(Ira slowly backs away from the Sphinx village. But then he bumps into a tree, and suddenly ten mermen soldiers descend from high up in the jungle trees. Startled, Ira looks helplessly as the mermen point their fishy tails at him and hold up their pointy tridents.)

Ira: I see. Where there are sphinx’s, there are mermen soldiers from Atlantis.

Tonyfish: And so it shall always be. Hi, human. My name is Tonyfish.

Ira: Well my name is Blow You All Up!

(Ira reaches for his grenade launcher but before he can get it, the grenade launcher is tridented by Tonyfish)

Tonyfish: We lost one civilization that way. We will not lose another.

Ira: My apologies.

Tonyfish: Suck on your apologies. You tried to destroy us and we will now imprison you on our prison island!

Ira: Please! I’m just a famous explorer! You must understand. We thought Atlantis was lost, and we thought all mermen had been lost with it. But you live! It is a glorious miracle that you live! It’s a miracle we must seize and rejoice at! My people have so much to learn from you! Please forgive me. Teach me of your advanced technologies and let our people live together in peace as they once did.

Tonyfish: Hmmm….maybe I –

Ira: Maybe isn’t good enough. Get them, guys!

(Fifteen druids, all dressed in white gowns with pointed white caps, float down from the thunderclouds in the sky. As they gracefully land, they summon the very roots from the earth to entangle the mermen.)

Tonyfish: No!

(The druids cast “Wrath” on the entangled mermen until they are all dead)

Ira: Thanks for your help, druids of old.

Andrewd: My name is Andrewd. We had been trying to exterminate the fish people for sometime.

(A bunch of police sphinx’s suddenly show up, trying to find Trinxy’s killer.)

Police Sphinx: Will you hold it right there, Ira?!

Ira: Help me, druids!

Andrewd: No way. You’re on your own!

(the druids take travel form and run off quickly. The police sphinx’s arrest Ira and put him in a jail shaped like a question mark.)

Ira: Damn those druids! Betrayal is the cruelest mistress. That is, it is the cruelest mistress other than Ixchel, the Mayan’s aged jaguar goddess of midwifery. Alas, I wish Ixchel were here now, for only she could rescue me from the police sphinx’s and also avenge the betrayal of the druids. Unfortunately, the Mayans are a lost people and I’ll probably never meet one let alone a goddess.

Cellmate Ixchel: You are wrong, because Ira - I am Ixchel!

Don't Eat the Baby

Scene: Hospital Room. A woman is giving birth

Gary: That’s it, honey. Breathe. Remember our Lamaze classes. You can do it.

Wife: Aaagh!

Doctor Ike: You’re doing fine. Now push.

Wife: I am pushing!

Doctor Ike: Here he comes, Heather. He’s crowning. You’re almost there.

Gary: You can do it, honey! I love you!

Wife: Aaagh!

(sound of baby Tommy crying)

Doctor Ike: Congratulations! You’re parents. Would you like to keep the placenta?

Wife: What?

Doctor Ike: Some couples like to keep the placenta. In fact, some couples even cook them and ingest their nutrients.

Wife and Gary: Gross!

Doctor Ike: Yes, some say it’s gross, but others feel it’s a way to grow closer to their child.

Wife and Gary: Hmmmm.

Scene: Gary and Wife’s house

Gary: What’s that smell, Heather?

Wife: Well…remember what the doctor said? About the placenta? I figured I’d cook it and eat it and we’d get closer to our baby.

Gary: Nasty!

Wife: Well, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.

(Wife eats the cooked placenta)

Gary: Well? How is it?

Wife: It’s…it’s good. Oh. Oh yes. It’s very good. I just…I wish there was more of it! Mmmm, I can feel the nutrients inside of me…

Gary: Weird.

Wife: I wish there was more of it. I wish there was more… I’m so hungry now. So hungry….

Gary: Heather, honey? Why are you looking at me like that?

Wife: Shut up you bag of talking nutrients!

(Wife picks up the cooking pan and hits Gary over the head. Gary falls to the ground unconscious. Off camera, we hear the wife noisily eating Gary. When she comes up, she is like an animal. Her mouth is bloody, her eyes are crazy wide open, and her hands are held like sharp claws.)

Wife: (licking lips) Yes, so good. So goooooood! (yelling) The placenta I ate gave me a taste for human flesh!

(Little baby Tommy starts crying in the background.)

Wife: (listens to baby Tommy)Yes. Yes that sounds tasty too.

(Wife heads to baby Tommy’s room but is stopped by a knock on the door. She hesitates, but eventually the Wife goes to the door and opens it. Outside is Trevor, a HOLY BIBLE salesman. It is his first day on the job.)

Wife: (still covered in her husband’s blood) Yes?

Trevor: (reading from a presentation script and not even looking at Wife) Hello. are you Heather Ballican?

Wife: Why yes I am, Mr. Delicious Nutrients.

Trevor: (Still reading) Nice to meet you. I am not an ordinary salesman, Mrs. Ballican. An ordinary salesman, if you’re lucky, will sell you something that is guaranteed to last two lifetimes. But Mrs. Ballican, I am selling you something that you can use in two lifetimes. This lifetime and the next. And the next lifetime is eternity. Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE, Mrs. Ballican?

(Wife drools with hunger)

Trevor: (stares at his presentation script as he awaits an answer) Mrs Ballican? Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE? (looks up and sees just how damn bloody she is) Holy shit, Mrs. Ballican!

Wife: I’m going to eat you and then I’m going to eat my baby! (lunges at Trevor like a bloodthirsty wildcat. Trevor barely dodges her, as her hunger has made her quicker and more nimble than the average human being)

Trevor: Heather! You’ve got to be stopped!

Wife: Never! I’m going to eat everyone! I’m going to eat my baby Tommy!

Trevor: Mrs. Ballican, I will never allow that to happen!

(Trevor escapes the Wife and runs to a forgotten and abandoned cave.)

Trevor: I’ve got to stop her, but I can’t call the police. She’ll eat the police! What do I do? (Looks at HOLY BIBLE) Well, maybe this will work!

(Trevor reads the HOLY BIBLE and begins super praying. Suddenly, a golden light falls on him even though he is in a cave.)

Trevor: Wow. It works. It really works. Now I can stop Heather. She’s no match for the GOOD NEWS.

Meanwhile, at the Wife’s house

(Closeup on the Wife’s face)

Wife: MWAAAAAARRRR!!!

Note:
The dangers of placenta, or “afterbirth,” consumption are very real. Every day, people considering themselves “open-minded” cook and ingest the placenta of their newborn child. As the placenta is a human organ, this act is no less than an act of cannibalism, an act which the HOLY BIBLE is decidedly against. Please, if you know someone who is pregnant or just about to be pregnant, please warn them and give them the GOOD NEWS.

Crossing the Dolphin-ish Line

Scene: Seaworld after hours. Dolphin trainer Terry Vatchet is talking to himself by the dolphin pool

Terry Vatchet: (to himself) Sigh. I wish my life were more exciting like in that movie with the giant robot bear. I mean, yes I am a very gifted dolphin trainer. Everyone always says: my awards and trophies speak for themselves. But still, is there something else out there? Is there a way I can use my dolphin training techniques to not only make my life exciting but to also make a fortune and live a life of glamour?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-reee-eee chirp-chirp Ree-eee?

Terry: I can’t understand you, Donny. (moans) You only speak dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to the garbage area of the pool and uses his bottle-nose to bring over a bit of wet newspaper)

Terry: It’s a newspaper article. What’s this? It says that Mammoth NASCAR is super popular and they are thinking of an underwater spin-off where people race sharks.

Donny the Dolphin: Chirp-chirp Reee-eee-reee-eee!

Terry: I still have no idea what you’re saying. Anyway, while this article is certainly exciting, Donny, you’re not a shark. You’re a dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to a metal pole in the pool and even though it takes him awhile, he bites it in half)

Terry: Holy shit, Donny!

(Donny’s dolphin mouth is bleeding, but it’s not too bad and for him the demonstration is worth it. He shows this by swimming in circles a couple of times)

Terry: If you can do that, well…. maybe with a little make-up…maybe people will think you’re a shark and you can race in the shark racing I read about in the wet newspaper you brought me!

(Donny the Dolphin rolls his eyes but nods enthusiastically)

Terry: Okay. We’re going to dress you up like you’re a small shark. But one question, Donny.

Donny the Dolphin: What?

Terry: Can you swim?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-chirp-chirp- eee-reee!

(Donny the Dolphin swims from one edge of the pool to another)

Terry: That’s too slow, Donny. Too slow. Someone is going to have to train you if you’re going to win, if we’re going to be famous, if we’re going to take shark-racing by storm.

(Terry thinks.)

Terry: I’ll train you!

I Will Try Not To Breathe, I Will Hold My Head High

Synopsis: It is the not-too-distant future. The world is almost out of air. Instead of fighting for oil, people fight for the air they need to breathe.

Belto: I…I can’t breathe!

Hellwren (through Belto's earpiece): Shit, Belto! You’re in a no-air zone and your tank is on empty! Break out your emergency flora!

(Belto takes out a single rose encased in a small glass dome. He breaks the glass and we see the rose drinking heavy from the surrounding carbon dioxide. Soon it emits slow but steady bursts of oxygen and Belto gasps the oxygen greedily.)

Belto: Thanks, Hellwren. Close one.

Hellwren: Don’t waste time thanking me, Belto! Your rose only has 5 minutes. That means you’ve only got 5 minutes before you run out of air!

Belto (muttering): I could have sworn my oxygen tank was full. And at $4.00 for every gallon of oxygen, I think I know when I fill up my tank!

(Belto, the rose kept close to his nose, runs to an area marked breathing zone. He breathes the air just as his life-giving rose dies. Hellwren is waiting for him)

Hellwren: You wanna be another of those choke-isides? What’s the matter with you? You almost got yourself killed!

Belto: I don’t know what happened! I just filled up my oxygen tank two hours ago!

Hellwren: Then why does it say “empty”? Wait! It doesn’t say “empty” at all….it says “full of oxygen.” Belto, this thing has been tampered with. By enemies. Do you have any enemies?

Belto: Hmm, let me think, Hellwren…Let’s see….do you think….do you think it’s possible that I made enemies in the Oxygen Conglomerates by starting to research how to get breathable oxygen from carbon dioxide?

Hellwren: You’re a marked man, Belto.

Belto: Don’t I know it. This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren.

Hellwren: You need to defend yourself. You need to take precautions.

Belto: This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren. It was the fourth. I barely survived the first attempt, and as a response I had a very controversial surgery.

Hellwren: No way.

Belto: Yes way, Hellwren. I had all of my fingers surgically made into gun barrels and now I can load bullets into my wrist and shoot bullets from my fingers. It’s the ultimate surprise weapon, and when I point at someone it means their days are numbered.

Hellwren: That surgery is illegal, Belto.

Belto: So is murder, Hellwren. So is murder. And so is Oxygen extortion, which is what I believe is going on here. People can’t breathe, and someone, someone is making a mint.

(Belto turns away from Hellwren, and we see Hellwren secretly throw away the missing parts of Belto’s oxygen tank gauge.)

Hellwren: Oh, I think you’re being paranoid, Belto.

Belto: Shut the fuck up, Hellwren. There is a war going on. People need air, Hellwren, and people die every day by way of suffication.

Hellwren: Yeah.

Belto: NO.

Hellwren: Well it’s not like we can do anything about it. One person can’t make a difference.

Belto: Well I’m going to make a difference.

(Belto shoots bullets from his finger-guns into the air)

Belto: I’m enlisting in the Army, Hellwren. I’m going to war so that everyone can have oxygen.

Hellwren: That is batshit bullshit, my friend. I think that high oxygen prices are both fair and reasonable. I mean, after all you can’t put a price on life, now can you? And you need oxygen to live.

Belto: I’m going to use my fingers for good. I’m going to make a difference by making oxygen free for everyone.

Hellwren: Well, if anyone can do it, it’s you’ Belto.

Hellwren (to himself): That is why I must kill you. With your own finger-guns

Dirty Cop A Plea

Cop: So, it turns out that the cop is a dirty cop after all!

(Gun shot from the darkness)

Cop: Nooo!

(He dies and bleeds all over the carpet and furniture)

(Later)

Cop 2: Looks like what we’ve got here is a clear case of murder.

Cop 3: Murder!?

Cop 2: Plain as day.

Cop 3: But why? Why would someone murder a cop?

Cop 2: Well maybe he knew something he shouldn’t have, something that was a secret.

Cop 3: What are you saying?

Cop 2: I am saying that maybe this cop found out about a dirty cop!

Cop 3: A dirty cop! This is not the movies! What makes you say that? Do you know anything about a dirty cop?

Cop 2: If I did, I would be a dead.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)

Cop 5: I want to know why he had to die! (shoots an assault rifle into the air)

Cop 2: I don’t know how I’m going to solve this case of the dirty cop.

Cop 3: Hey. You are going to solve the case of the dirty cop like you solve all of the cases you solve. You will solve it through hard work, intelligence, strength, faith, family, friends, and if necessary guns.

Cop 2: Thank you, friend. Thank you for this believing in me.

Police Radio: Attention all units: There is a crime going on two blocks from here.

Cop 3: Come on! That crime is occurring on our beat! It looks like there are other fish to fry!

Cop 2: Yes but first appearances can be deceiving.

Cop 3: Yes they can. Off to the other crime scene!

(At the other crime scene)

Cop 2: Look a burglary was committed here.

Cop 3: But this is just a warehouse full of police files. These files are not worth anything!

Cop 2: You are right. Wait no you are wrong! Think about this idea. Maybe the burglar wanted the files because they had some incriminating evidence in them. Wait! Maybe the burglar stole the files so that we would not find the incriminating evidence.

Cop 3: I guess anything is possible.

Cop 2: Hm. I am wondering that maybe this case is connected with the other case

Cop 3: Well now you are imagining things.

Cop 2: We will see. I hope you are right. We will see. I hope you are right.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)

Smombie World

(SCENE: A very crowded street. Rico is standing on a bench shouting at people)

Rico: Everyone is already dead! Everyone! You just don’t know it yet!

Man: Shut up, you crazy.

Rico: Am I crazy?

God: No, Rico. No, you ain’t crazy.

Rico: You’re all already dead! You’re walking corpses, every one of you!

(All of a sudden, we see that everyone is covered in maggots. They actually have been zombies the whole time)

Woman: Wait! We are dead! I’ve got some maggots on me!

Man: No you don’t. Wait… Yes you do! But how did it happen?

Rico: I don’t know!

Woman: You know, I don’t feel any different.

Rico: Nobody said you should feel different.

Jason Priestly: Hey, I don’t have any maggots on me! Maybe I’m not dead?

Rico: Look closer. They’re there.

Jason Priestly: Nope. I’m alive. I’m alive and you all are dead! What’s going on?!

Rico: KILL HIM!

(All of the zombies turn to Jason Priestly and their eyes are red and their teeth are sharp. And event though they didn’t know they were zombies [with the exception of Rico], they are, in fact, pretty smart zombies.)

Jason Priestly: No. No I don’t think so, guys. Not today.

(Jason Priestly clubs two zombies and runs into the military testing lab. With the smart zombies hot on his heels, he finds an experimental jetpack. He straps it on and flies to the rooftop of a skyscraper. He perches there, his eyes on the smart zombie city)

Jason Priestly: So it’s just me now. I’m the only one left to stop crime perpetrated by smart zombies. It’s just me. Me with no maggots, me with this experimental military jetpack. And are there any other people who are the living living? And if so, how can I find them when it seems the entire world is filled with zombies who don’t even know they are zombies? Heh…

(fires up jetpack)

Jason Priestly: Looks like I’ve got my fuckin’ work fuckin’ cut out for me.

The Mid-Arm of Justis

(Scene: An operating table in a hospital)

Police Chief: How is the operation going, doctor?

Doctor: Good. We’re almost done. Soon, police officer Danny Justis will have a third arm made out of pulverite, the strongest substance there is.

Police Chief: And it matches his skin tone perfectly!

Doctor: I know. It’s remarkable.

Police Chief: With three arms, Officer Justis can turn the tide. Of crime.

Doctor: (shouting) That’s the only reason I agreed to do this infernal operation! I’ve been very clear: Though I can see the immense value of having a police officer that has a third arm made out of pulverite, you are messing with evolution, Chief! You are messing with God’s image!

Police Chief: Yes, yes. You’ve said this before. And in return for your concession, we are wiping clear your criminal record of administering vendetta justice against violent criminals.

Doctor: Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish sewing on the pulverite arm before officer Danny Justis bleeds to death.

Police Chief: Go right ahead.

(The police chief lights a cigar and takes out a picture from his wallet of his old partner Terry O’Mulligan, a man killed in action by a mysterious man who was never caught.)

(Scene: Recovery Room. Danny Justis is waking)

Danny Justis: What’s happened to me? I have a third arm growing out of my chest!?

Doctor: You had a third arm attached. It’s bullet proof, Danny. Bulletproof.

Danny Justis: I see. It makes sense. For keeping the peace. For stopping crime. For maintaining the law of the land.

Doctor: For all of those things, Mr. Justis. But might I make a suggestion?

Danny Justis: Please.

Doctor: Don’t waste your third arm on stopping common every-day crime. Use your third arm to defeat the Tri-Umps.

Danny Justis: What? Huh? Who are the Tri-Umps?

Doctor: I’m glad you asked me that, Danny. It shows me you’re the chosen one. You see, the Tri-Umps are the unholy trinity of crime. They are three criminal masterminds, all adept in the dark arts. First, there is Beelzebrother. This one is very…urban. He summons demons to help corrupt the minds of underlings. He is the weakest of the Tri-Umps, and yet his magic has made him invincible in every way. You must kill him.

Danny Justis: My third-arm will find a way.

Doctor: Second, there is Ursa Major. She is a huge giant bear and a very sexy seductress. Ursa Major’s power is beyond comprehension. She can crush rocks so easy.

Danny Justis: Like a robot!

Doctor: Yes. Like a robot. Still, as powerful as she is, even Ursa Major is only the second in command. First in command, the leader of the Tri-Umps, is –is –

Danny Justis: Who is it, Doctor?

Doctor: ….BAH! BAH! CARS GO ZOOM! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: All of a sudden the doctor is retarded! What’s going on?! He must be under a retarded spell from the Tri-Umps. Come back to me, Doctor! Come back! You were telling me about the Tri-Umps!

Doctor: BAH! BAH! FOUR ARMS!! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: Four Arms? No, Doctor. I have three arms. Oh, it’s no use. He’s still retarded. I guess I’ll have to learn about the Tri-Ump leader myself. But first, time to kill Beelzebrother. Apparently, he’s been causing trouble for far too long. With demons.

(Danny Justis gets out of the hospital bed, and opens the hospital bedroom door. With his third arm.)

A Lot of Universes

Man: What if I were an entire Universe?!

Voice: YOU ARE!

Man: Yes! So much power! The energies of a zillion stars contained within me!

Voice: WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY

Man: Yes. That is true.

Voice: SO USE YOUR POWER CAREFULLY

Man: Ok.

3 YEARS LATER

Man: I have done so much, helped so many people.

Voice: BUT WAS IT ENOUGH?

Man: Do not make me doubt myself, Voice. For if I doubt myself, I doubt an entire universe.

Voice: WAS IT ENOUGH?

Man: Stop it! If I doubt myself I can blink out of existence. An entire universe could disappear!

Voice: I KNOW. I AM THE VILLAIN!

Man: Voice, I have all the powers of the myselfiverse at my command. Don’t fuck with the ‘verse!

Voice: YOU FOOL. I HAVE THAT SAME POWER TIMES TWO BECAUSE I’M TWO UNIVERSES!

Man: Hey now that I think about it, where are you anyway? Where is your voice coming from?

Voice: OH JUST ALL AROUND YOU IS ALL. YOU SEE, I AM WAY BIGGER THAN YOU. THE REASON I AM TWO UNIVERSES IS BECAUSE I AM A UNIVERSE AND THEN PLUS YOU ARE INSIDE ME AND YOU’RE A UNIVERSE SO THAT EQUALS TWO.

Man: But I will defeat you, Voice. This universe is only big enough for one of us.

Voice: THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE. NEVERTHELESS, I WILL DESTROY YOU AND USE YOUR ENERGY TO GET SUPER POWERS.

The Voice and the man fight throughout the rest of the movie, and it is truly an epic fight because the Voice is a whole universe larger than the Man. However, what the man has not revealed to the voice is that during the 3 years that the voice and the man weren’t speaking (undisclosed argument), the Man found out that there was some dude within his self-universe who also is a universe. The Man promises the dude universe within him that if he helps him destroy the huge Voice universe, they can live in peace. Still, it is a thrilling battle, and stars and worlds (in all three universes) are destroyed. Who will win? The Man will. But how?! And what about the universe inside of the Man Universe? Can he be trusted?

Trample Ever Onward

(SCENE: A laboratory. A scientist looks up from a very large microscope)

Scientist: Everyone said there was no such thing as mammoth DNA. Well now I know that they were wrong. I found it. What is more (laughs a deep belly laugh) I’ve cloned it!

(A caged Mammoth growls ferociously as a strobe light flashes)

Scientist: Fuck. I don’t even know if the world is ready.

(SCENE: NASCAR official board room. A large meeting is in progress. Jake addresses the board members.)

Jake: Okay. Let’s cut to the chase. As you all know, NASCAR ratings are down. What was once the fastest growing sport is turning into yesterday’s news. Listen. You know what happens to yesterday’s news? People put it underneath their pet birds so the birds can shit on it. Birds shit on yesterday’s news.

(Nods of agreement from board members)

Jake: So we’ve done the polls. And what didn’t make sense is that the fans weren’t tired of the racing aspect at all. Not at all. They fuckin’ love that part about NASCAR. No, what the fans are tired of is the same old cars. Aside from the endorsements, they all look the same.

(Using PowerPoint, Jake shows two different NASCAR cars. Except they look the same.)

Jake: Do you hear me yet!!? DO YOU HEAR ME?! Because here it fucking is. It’s right there. It’s right in front of your noses! The fans want something different! They want something different and if they don’t get it from us they’re going to get it from someone else.

(The board murmurs shocked agreement)

Jake: Okay, so here are the facts, here’s what you know. You know that we’re losing fans. And, what is more, you know why. You know that fans are tired of the same old NASCAAR cars! But I’ve got a secret. I’ve got something you don’t know. And ladies and gentleman of the board, this thing is going to save your sorry asses and Dan I’m talking to you!

(Dan looks up, relieved)

Jake: I have a friend, ladies and gentleman. I have a scientist friend. This friend, we’ll call him “Scientist X1182,” has cloned an animal that was only rumored to exist. He has cloned a Mammoth. It is like an elephant except it is bigger and is hairy and MUCH more ferocious.

Dan: Jake, what are you saying?

Jake: (chuckling at the simplicity of it all) Don’t you see? It’s so simple! We’ll race Mammoths instead of cars!

(the board erupts into applause. Fade into next scene as Jake smiles and raises his hands in victory)

(SCENE: Mike’s NASCAR Driver’s College. Sam, the top of his class, wins a class race in a NASCAR car.)

Professor: That was some driving, Sam. You’re the best I’ve seen in decades.

Sam: I have to be. I have to be to save my grandma.

Professor: Yeah.

(The Professor is handed a letter)

Professor: What? What? No, this can’t be!

Sam: What is it, Professor?

Professor: It’s the NASCAR cars, Sam. They’re not gonna use them anymore. I don’t understand it.

Sam: They’re cancelling NASCAR?!

Professor: No, Sam. Just the cars. NASCAR will still be here. It’s just….they’re going to use mammoths instead of cars.

Sam: It’s got to be some sort of mistake, Professor. Mammoths aren’t even real!

Professor: Well now they are, Sam. And if you still want to do NASCAR to save your grandma, you’re going to have to learn how to ride one.

Sam: Does life ever get any easier, Professor?

Professor: No.

What follows are scenes of Sam showing up late to the mammoth line and getting stuck with the scrawniest, most irksome mammoth there is. Sam is allergic to mammoths, and Sam’s mammoth is allergic to Sam, so roughly half of the remaining dialogue is interrupted by constant mammoth and human sneezing/wheezing. Sam has a lot of trouble controlling his sneezy mammoth and keeps coming in last place in the NASCAR practice races. When NASCAR implements NASCAR mammoth racing on the televised races, at first the NASCAR crowd doesn’t like it. Mammoths are kind of like elephants and they’re not super fast like the NASCAR cars were. But then in one race a NASCAR mammoths fights with one of the other NASCAR mammoths and gets gored with a tusk through its skull. The mixture of speed, blood, and mammoths proves too much to resist. As Sam’s relationship with his small mammoth strengthens, he starts to do better in races. Slowly, he becomes the point leader. Then, about halfway through the season, Sam’s dying grandmother gets trampled by a drunken civilian mammoth rider. No longer motivated to win and no longer trusting of mammoths, Sam begins beating his mammoth, crying in anger through sneezing, wheezing, and red itchy eyes. His trust with his mammoth is broken, and Sam begins losing races and is also gored slightly. But then, after talking to his old NASCAR professor, Sam realizes that now he needs to win mammoth NASCAR races to save his grandpa. The grudge-bearing mammoth is put down, and once again Sam has to develop a relationship with a new mammoth. This time, it is even harder. They are even more allergic to one another, and now Sam is mammoth racist. But can Sam save his grandpa? It will be a matter of willpower, resolve, and super intense and bloody mammoth NASCAR racing. Not everyone will survive.

The Future of Boxing

(VIC HAMMERSTEIN is a professional boxer who just can’t win a fight. One day while training, he is jumping rope. The rope twirls faster and faster, and Vic jumps faster and faster until it looks like he is hovering above the ground. You can’t even see the jump rope because it is going so really fast. Vic is working very hard to do this, and from inside the jump rope, we see him sweating profusely. From outside the jump rope, however, it is as if time has stopped. Vic is moving the jump rope so fast that he is traveling forwards through time. Finally, VIC HAMMERSTEIN stops jump roping.)

Vic: Phew. I have never jumped rope that fast in my life before.

Wizened Old Man: Nobody has. Ever.

Vic: What?! Who are you! When did you get here!

Wizened Old Man: I am your son!

Vic: My son? But how could that be! You were only 4 when I started jump roping. You are like 80 now.

Wizened Old Man: Dad, you’ve been jump roping for a very, very long time.

Vic: But to me it felt like just a few minutes!

Wizened Old Man: That is so very weird.

Vic: What do I do now?

Wizened Old Man: You box. You are a boxer.

Vic: I was a boxer, son. But I wasn’t a good boxer. I’ve never won a fight.

Wizened Old Man: Maybe not. The boxers are very, very old now. You, on the other hand, are still young and strong.

Vic: You’re right! I wasn’t thinking in the 4^th dimension!

Wizened Old Man: This is the future. Get used to it, Dad.

(An alien walks through the door. It is blue and has 5 perfect breasts)

Vic: How do I set up a fight?

Wizened Old Man: Dad. It’s the future. The fights set up you!

Vic: What do you mean?

(In the background there is a 3D hologram that is a videogame and the videogame is Sun Blazer Extra-eme 20. Nearby teenagers are playing it with their mind.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see. You have a lot to learn.

Vic: Son?

Wizened Old Man: Yeah, Pops?

Vic: Whatever…whatever happened to my wife? What happened to your mom?

(A pizza suddenly appears out of thin air as does a holographic receipt saying that The Wizened Old Man’s credit-mind has been charged $399.99.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see soon enough. You’ll have to fight her. You see dad, Mommy’s the heavyweight champion of the world.

Vic: So. She decided to box. She always said I was holding her down. I guess she was right.

(Vic Hammerstein and the Wizened Old Man enter a trance-state as they are forced to day-dream a life commercial about Piranha Buger Palace)

Wizened Old Man: I’m not going to lie to you dad: She’s good. She’s very, very old, but she’s used every minute since your disappearance to study boxing.

Vic: But I can’t hit my wife!

Wizened Old Man: You’re going to have to. If you want to win.

(In the background someone is about to leave so he takes out a mini-black hole from his wallet, places it on the floor, and steps through it to go to Beijing.)

Tony's Rosa Major

(Camera opens on Tony WAKING UP)

Tony: Now I have super powers!

(Tony CONCENTRATES and BLOWS UP HIS NEIGHBOR’S HOME. He LOOKS DOWN and sees that he is HOVERING 20 STORIES in the air.)

Tony: I’m doing it!

(Tony FLIES WITHOUT any AIRPLANE or WINGS, cutting through the air quickly and gracefully. Finally, he LANDS)

Grace: Tony?! Is that you? Can you fly oh my gosh!

Tony: Yes I can Grace. Do you find that sexy? Because look what else I can do!

(Tony takes Grace to a park and he CONCENTRATES ON A GARBAGE CAN and it EXPLODES. Grace and Tony look down and they are again hovering 20 stories in the air.)

Grace: How did you do that?

Tony: Grace, I have superpowers.

Grace: Marry me.

Tony: Someday.

(Tony PICKS GRACE UP, because he has new super strength that he woke up with, and he THROWS HER forwards in a PERFECT SPIRAL.)

Grace: Aaaaaah!

(Tony uses his super-speed and enhanced coordination to run to where Grace would have landed. He catches her as if she were as light as a regulation Frisbee.)

Grace: (breathless) Tony! Tony don’t you ever do that again!

Tony: You loved it. You are smiling and laughing.

Grace: It was so exciting!

Tony: I can also do this!

(Tony HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT and LIGHTNING SHOOTS OUT. The LIGHTNING HITS the PARK GRASS and ROSES GROW AND IMMEDIATELY BLOOM. Tony GIVES A ROSE to GRACE.)

Tony: Marry me.

Grace: Someday.

Tony: Awesome.

(Grace WRITHES IN PAIN and MORPHS into a GIGANTIC 20 story SHE-BEAR called Ursa Major.)

URSA MAJOR: Give me the gold!

Tony: NEVER!

(Ursa Major and Tony FIGHT. Ursa Major is IMMUNE to Tony’s LIGHTNING AND SUPER STRENGTH. TONY has superpowers that make him IMMUNE TO BEAR CLAW ATTACKS AND BEAR BITING.)

URSA MAJOR: Give me the emeralds!

Tony: NEVER!

(Ursa Major PICKS UP TONY to eat him and TONY SEES URSA MAJOR IS A ROBOT) and so TONY FREES HIMSELF and looks around. BEHIND A TREE is TONY’S MOM and she is CONTROLLING URSA MAJOR WITH A REMOTE CONTROL.)

Tony: Mom!

Tony’s Mom: You were adopted!

(Tony STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE and it MORPHS INTO A KNIGHT’S LANCE and SPEARS his FAKE MOM in the THROAT.)

Fake Mom: Suuck...

Ursa Major: Give me the ruuuuubiiiiies….

(With Tony’s Fake Mom no longer controlling her, URSA MAJOR RUNS OUT OF BATTERIES.)

Tony: Never, Ursa Major. You’re not even real.

(A SINGLE TEAR forms in URSA MAJOR’S DEAD EYE.)

Tony: I’m off to find my Biological Mom!

(TONY FLIES into the air and SPREADS his HANDS out. LIGHTNING SHOOTS OUT like CRAZY and ROSES BLOOM all AROUND URSA MAJOR who used to be GRACE who TONY LOVED.)

The ParaShootist!

Xander Citement jumps from a black subsonic jet airplane. He falls through the air and fires twin machineguns. Freeze-frame. Opening Title Hits Screen: “THE ‘PARASHOOTIST’!” End Freeze-Frame.

Xander falls toward the ground as the wind blows through his hair. Camera pans to another plane that is owned by Nazis. Nazis are jumping from the plane, but as just as they leave the plane, the bullets from Xander’s machineguns hit the grenades the Nazi’s are carrying and they soldiers blow up and also the Nazi plane blows up.

Cut to Xander Citement’s face. The considerable wind stretches his face and shows all of his teeth, and all of his gums, but he is probably smiling with a grim satisfaction.

As Xander continues to fall through the sky, we see another plane fly towards Xander. It is a biplane. While we cannot hear Xander over the screaming howl of the rushing wind, by reading his lips it is clear he knows the biplane is that of the Red Baron. Xander tries to say “oh shit.”

The Red Baron flys over Xander and shoots at him. Xander quickly contorts his body in break-dance like poses to dodge the bullets, but one of them still hits him but he was carrying medal of honor and it hits that instead. Xander, still freefalling, shoots a rocket at the Red Baron, but it is no good; the Red Baron is an expert pilot of biplane airplanes and the rocket misses. Xander then takes a special grenade out of his backpack and releases it. The grenade has a parachute and it floats through the air right into the Red Baron’s open mouth. He blows up and the explosion is in the shape of the American flag. Xander Citement gives a thumbs up.

Expanding his body to slow his fall, Xander takes a minute to enjoy the scenery. The rush he gets from a jump never gets old, and he writes as much on a notebook and shows it to the camera. Suddenly, from up above, we see someone falling through the sky, approaching Xander quickly. He tries to shoot the person, but the person is too quick. It is a woman in a jumping suit that shows stomach and cleavage. To tell Xander that she is an American ParaShootist, she takes off her clothes and they have sex right there in the sky.

Just as they finish lovemaking, the female Parashootist gets hit by a bullet and dies. Xander shouts “Noooo” but his cries are muffled by the roaring and endless howl of wind rushing by him. As the female ParaShootist’s body expands, she falls to the earth more slowly than Xander. Here, the camera gives the perception that she is being pulled away from him. Xander reaches out, but cannot touch her. She is gone. Xander wants revenge, and he knows the killer must be somewhere near. He looks around him, but sees only the blue sky and the approaching ground. He shoots his twin machine guns wildly in all directions, hoping to find the killer, but he sees nothing. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a Nazi dressed all in blue, perfectly camouflaged with the sky. It is the Blue Baron, and Xander mouths that everyone thought the man was only a myth, a story whose purpose was to scare ParaShootists in training.

In German, the Blue Baron mouths the words “I’m real and I’m here to kill you.” Xander streamlines his body and approaches the Blue Baron, determined to get revenge. “You killed the only woman I’ve ever loved,” Xander Citement tries to say, as he’s dodging bullet after bullet from the Blue Baron’s quad machine guns. Finally, Xander reaches the Blue Baron and they wrestle for a bit and then Xander puts his machine gun in the Blue Baron’s mouth and the Blue Baron tries to scream. The camera pulls away before we see Xander pull the trigger, but we do see red droplets falling through rain and we know that it is the Blue Baron’s blood.

Xander Citement thinks he is done, but then he sees a bunch of homing pigeons with proximity mines strapped to them and their flying right for him. Xander writes “F’ing Nazi birds” on his notepad before taking careful aim at the birds with his wind-resistant sniper rifle. First Xander shoots the closest homing pigeon, and even though it is far away, the explosion still sends Xander reeling through the air he was falling through. During this time, Xander loses his sniper rifle. He writes “Looks like I’ll have to do this shit the ol’ fashioned way” on his Notepad and he takes out a Colt Magnum Pistol. The homing pigeon birds and their proximity mines are still far away, and Xander misses a few times. But he’s not aiming for the closest one. He’s aiming for the homing pigeon bird in the middle. Xander’s words “The early bird gets the gun,” are drowned out by the constant whistling of the wind. Xander finally hits the bird in the middle and it explodes, but then the explosion hits all of the other birds and they explode. “Birds of a feather die together” is written on the notepad this time, and then Xander Citement does a couple of midair summersaults and jumping jacks and then we get another freeze-frame and the credits roll.