Cupid's Needle

Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.

Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.

Eugene: I know. We’re all so high right now. Our second relapse and we’re all only 18…

All: Shit…

Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.

Terrence: What is it, Bob?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob?

Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.

Eugene: Come on, Bob! We’re all heroin addicts. What chick is gonna want to do us?

Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin, Eugene! We can hide it.

Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.

Bob: We’ll figure out a way.

Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.

Eugene: Me too.

Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.

SCENE: Lover's Point

Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.

Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.

Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?

Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.

(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.

Terrence: And then?

Bob: And then I puked on her.

Terrence: No!

Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.

Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?

Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.

Eugene: Man. Getting laid is gonna be harder than we thought.

Bob: I know it.

Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.

Eugene: Well good luck with that!

Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.

SCENE: A romantic French restaurant

Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.

Terrence: I’m glad you think so.

Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?

Terrence: What?

Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.

Terrence: Really?

Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?

Terrence: I knew it!

Gisele: What’s that?

Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”

Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.

(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)

Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!

Terrence: …

Gisele: Terrence?!!

(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)

Terrence: …insulin?…

Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?

Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.

Eugene: She caught you? Rough. But how’d you get the burn marks?

Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.

Eugene: And the cuts?

Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….

Eugene: Bob, you caught on fire once, right?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?

Bob: …

Eugene: Oh man. Dude…I think he just O.D.’d!

Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!

(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)

Eugene: We’re never gonna get laid this way!

Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!

The Mid-Arm of Justis

(Scene: An operating table in a hospital)

Police Chief: How is the operation going, doctor?

Doctor: Good. We’re almost done. Soon, police officer Danny Justis will have a third arm made out of pulverite, the strongest substance there is.

Police Chief: And it matches his skin tone perfectly!

Doctor: I know. It’s remarkable.

Police Chief: With three arms, Officer Justis can turn the tide. Of crime.

Doctor: (shouting) That’s the only reason I agreed to do this infernal operation! I’ve been very clear: Though I can see the immense value of having a police officer that has a third arm made out of pulverite, you are messing with evolution, Chief! You are messing with God’s image!

Police Chief: Yes, yes. You’ve said this before. And in return for your concession, we are wiping clear your criminal record of administering vendetta justice against violent criminals.

Doctor: Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish sewing on the pulverite arm before officer Danny Justis bleeds to death.

Police Chief: Go right ahead.

(The police chief lights a cigar and takes out a picture from his wallet of his old partner Terry O’Mulligan, a man killed in action by a mysterious man who was never caught.)

(Scene: Recovery Room. Danny Justis is waking)

Danny Justis: What’s happened to me? I have a third arm growing out of my chest!?

Doctor: You had a third arm attached. It’s bullet proof, Danny. Bulletproof.

Danny Justis: I see. It makes sense. For keeping the peace. For stopping crime. For maintaining the law of the land.

Doctor: For all of those things, Mr. Justis. But might I make a suggestion?

Danny Justis: Please.

Doctor: Don’t waste your third arm on stopping common every-day crime. Use your third arm to defeat the Tri-Umps.

Danny Justis: What? Huh? Who are the Tri-Umps?

Doctor: I’m glad you asked me that, Danny. It shows me you’re the chosen one. You see, the Tri-Umps are the unholy trinity of crime. They are three criminal masterminds, all adept in the dark arts. First, there is Beelzebrother. This one is very…urban. He summons demons to help corrupt the minds of underlings. He is the weakest of the Tri-Umps, and yet his magic has made him invincible in every way. You must kill him.

Danny Justis: My third-arm will find a way.

Doctor: Second, there is Ursa Major. She is a huge giant bear and a very sexy seductress. Ursa Major’s power is beyond comprehension. She can crush rocks so easy.

Danny Justis: Like a robot!

Doctor: Yes. Like a robot. Still, as powerful as she is, even Ursa Major is only the second in command. First in command, the leader of the Tri-Umps, is –is –

Danny Justis: Who is it, Doctor?

Doctor: ….BAH! BAH! CARS GO ZOOM! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: All of a sudden the doctor is retarded! What’s going on?! He must be under a retarded spell from the Tri-Umps. Come back to me, Doctor! Come back! You were telling me about the Tri-Umps!

Doctor: BAH! BAH! FOUR ARMS!! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: Four Arms? No, Doctor. I have three arms. Oh, it’s no use. He’s still retarded. I guess I’ll have to learn about the Tri-Ump leader myself. But first, time to kill Beelzebrother. Apparently, he’s been causing trouble for far too long. With demons.

(Danny Justis gets out of the hospital bed, and opens the hospital bedroom door. With his third arm.)