Scientist: I’m telling you General, I don’t like this. I never signed on to be a part of biological warfare.
General Detento: You don’t like a lot of things, Scientist, but I never hear you complain when your paycheck comes around. And besides: you don’t have a choice anymore. Now stop bitching and test the experimental virus! Inject it! Inject it into the monkey!
(Scientist, his feelings clearly hurt, puts on a biohazard suit and injects the monkey. The monkey screams and then clutches his tummy, showing how he doesn’t feel very good. Scientist seals the monkey in an airtight room with many monkey toys.)
General Detento: It is done. Now what?
Scientist: We wait. Unfortunately, that monkey is as good as dead.
General Detento: You’re sure?
Scientist: General, I am very good at what I do. It’s a virus. Top shelf.
(Sick Monkey is put in an airtight glass room and monitored. We see Sick Monkey looking pale and half-heartedly playing with the monkey toys placed in the room. Soon, Sick Monkey grows more feeble and more skinny. He defecates and vomits in a constant stream)
Scientist (through a speaker): I’m so sorry I did this to you, Sick Monkey. My God! Sick Monkey, your fever is at 109! I don’t want you to die. Don’t die, Sick Monkey! Don’t die!
(Sick Monkey struggles to find strength and is barely able to put his hand up to the window. Scientist does the same. They are friends. All is forgiven.)
Scientist: Thank you… Thank you.
(The Sick Monkey almost dies)
Scientist: No!!!
(Scientist looks at the clock. It is getting late.)
Scientist: I’m going to go to bed. Before you die, Sick Monkey, I need you to do something for me.
(Sick Monkey gives Scientist a look because he’s so sick, what could he possibly be able to do?)
Scientist: Sick Monkey, I need you not to die. Goodnight.
(Scientist leaves the room and goes to bed. The camera focuses on the equipment reading Sick Monkey’s temperature. It goes to 110. Then it goes to 111. Then it goes to 112. Then it goes to one hundred fucking thirteen. An alarm sounds, and Scientist rushes into the lab in wearing a robe and socks.)
Scientist: SICK MONKEY! Sick monkey, I told you NOT…TO…DIE!
(Sick Monkey, his heart barely beating, doesn’t respond. But the equipment reading his temperature drops to 112)
Scientist: Yes! Yes! Keep that up! I’m going back to bed.
(Days tick off the calendar to show the passage of time. Still, Sick Monkey refuses to die. A month later his temperature is at 111 degrees. A month after that, it’s at 109 degrees. He appears to be getting better, though he is still very, very sick. To pass the time, Scientist talks to Sick Monkey through the room’s speark and tries to teach him to understand English. He can’t tell if it’s working or not because Sick Monkey is too weak to respond and he just keeps throwing up.)
Scientist: Sick Monkey, you’re at 108 degrees today. That’s still awful, but it’s better than yesterday. If you can just hold on, Sick Monkey, you can beat this thing! Here, watch this movie about superheroes.
Sick Monkey: VOMIT!!
(Unbelievably, time continues to pass. Sick Monkey’s temperature is soon at a mere 103 degrees.)
Scientist: In a few months, you’re going to be okay, Sick Monkey. You’re going to be okay and I’m going to let you out and I’m going to take you home and we’re going to be friends!
(Sick Monkey gives a weak monkey-smile and one of his teeth falls out. There is puke on it.)
Scientist: Just hang in there.
(Then the day finally comes when Sick Monkey’s temperature is right at normal monkey temperature. At this point, Scientist has a beard.)
Scientist: That’s it! I’m going to unseal your quarantine room!
(Sick Monkey is excited. He’s feeling normal now, and he’s excited to be able to leave. Sick Monkey has learned a lot during his time in quarantine, not the least of which is that Scientist is a good person who has taught him a lot of other things that Sick Monkey has learned.)
Scientist: Okay…I’ll just flip this switch and…you’re free!
(The door unseals itself and Sick Monkey comes out to hug Scientist)
Scientist: Oh…oh no…I don’t feel very good… Sick Monkey, I think you’re still contagious!
(Scientist vomits and defecates continuously and dies, his body covered in filth and twisted in pain. His beard lies peacefully on the floor, firmly attached to his face which is also on the floor.)
Sick Monkey: Monkey cry!
(Days pass and Sick Monkey waits and mourns over the body of Scientist. With the vomit, defecation, and decomposing Scientist, it starts to smell, really, really foul in the lab. Despite how gross it would be, Sick Monkey would unknowingly grow stronger. The same virus that almost killed him, that same virus that killed Scientist, would be making Sick Monkey stronger than he ever was before. And what is more, each passing day would make Sick Monkey would at to his strength. As Sick Monkey would be gently monkey-weeping, General Detento would appear on the vid-screen)
General Detento: My God! Scientist is dead?
Sick Monkey: (patriotically signing using ASL and only ASL): Sick Monkey feel better. Scientist release Sick Monkey. Sick Monkey still contagious. Virus kill Scientist.
General Detento: You’re still contagious? I’m going to use you for warfare!
Sick Monkey: (angrily signing while making a raspberry sound) No! No!
(Sick Monkey picks up a truck that was in the lab and he hurls it in frustration.)
General Detento: Woah! You can trow trucks?! Throwing trucks might be useful…in war! With that strength, Sick Monkey, I will extra use you for warfare! (Note: General Detento would be played by Jorge Garcia of Lost and Becker and Curb Your Enthusiasm Fame. If he will not agree, perhaps a CGI likeness?)
Sick Monkey: (signing) I will use my strength to save people!
General Detento: How are you going to save people, Sick Monkey? You’re so contagious that if you get near people, they’ll die!
Sick Monkey: (signing) Hmmm… (Picks up an Iron bar and bites it in half)
General Detento: We’re going to get you, Sick Monkey. I’m sending my men to capture you.
Sick Monkey: (signing) You’ll never catch me, General. I’m too strong. I’m too contagious. The pain I bring...
General Detento: I will catch you! They’ll be there in 5 minutes. I suggest you surrender, Sick Monkey. You’ll never be able to save people anyway. Not when you’re a contagious fugitive.
(Sick Monkey gives General Detento the bird on the vid-phone. Without another sign, Sick Monkey punches through a wall, and steps outside. A S.W.A.T. team is waiting outside, but before they can shoot Sick Monkey with tranquilizers, they start with the defecating and vomiting. And then of course they all die.)
Sick Monkey: (signing) Fuck. This shit just got real.
