Cupid's Needle

Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.

Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.

Eugene: I know. We’re all so high right now. Our second relapse and we’re all only 18…

All: Shit…

Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.

Terrence: What is it, Bob?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob?

Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.

Eugene: Come on, Bob! We’re all heroin addicts. What chick is gonna want to do us?

Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin, Eugene! We can hide it.

Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.

Bob: We’ll figure out a way.

Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.

Eugene: Me too.

Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.

SCENE: Lover's Point

Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.

Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.

Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?

Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.

(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.

Terrence: And then?

Bob: And then I puked on her.

Terrence: No!

Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.

Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?

Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.

Eugene: Man. Getting laid is gonna be harder than we thought.

Bob: I know it.

Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.

Eugene: Well good luck with that!

Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.

SCENE: A romantic French restaurant

Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.

Terrence: I’m glad you think so.

Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?

Terrence: What?

Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.

Terrence: Really?

Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?

Terrence: I knew it!

Gisele: What’s that?

Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”

Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.

(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)

Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!

Terrence: …

Gisele: Terrence?!!

(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)

Terrence: …insulin?…

Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?

Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.

Eugene: She caught you? Rough. But how’d you get the burn marks?

Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.

Eugene: And the cuts?

Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….

Eugene: Bob, you caught on fire once, right?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?

Bob: …

Eugene: Oh man. Dude…I think he just O.D.’d!

Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!

(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)

Eugene: We’re never gonna get laid this way!

Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!

Shakespeare's Apprentice

William Shakespeare is a successful playwright living in old London. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s got the world at his fingertips. He’s the Stephen King of his day and everyone wants to be him. So what does he do? He gives someone a chance. In what many deem as a medieval publicity stunt, Shakespeare announces that he will pick someone to be his apprentice. Everyone in London is eligible, and wherever Shakespeare goes, people try to stand out. However, Shakespeare soon proves remarkably picky about whom he will take on.

Then, one day at the local fishmarket, Shakespeare sees Corbin Mantruck. He’s dirty, he’s poor, and he speaks in iambic pentameter. He’s perfect. Shakespeare has found his apprentice. Shakespeare makes Corbin Mantruck bathe, take that hat off, and then he begins to teach him the ways of the playwright.

It’s a huge surprise when we find that Corbin is an exceptional apprentice playwright. He soon begins writing plays that Shakespeare could only dream of writing. Though Mantruck’s plays aren’t in iambic pentameter, Shakespeare is stunned to see that they are, in fact, in diambic decameter and triambic pentakaidecameter. Corbin’s plays are so good that only William Shakespeare is able to appreciate them fully. It’s Good Will Hunting all over again.

But Shakespeare has grown used to wealth, celebrity, and velvet clothes. He’s long been known as the greatest playwright that ever lived and now he’s scared to give it up. And while Corbin Mantruck locks himself up in a room and continues writing plays, Shakespeare puts on Mantruck’s plays as if they were his own.

England loves the new plays and all the shows sell out except the first one. Shakespeare becomes even more famous and wealthy as the new plays have even more explosions, nudity, and swears, all of which leave audiences gasping for more.

Shakespeare knows he’s living a lie though, and his fame becomes empty and his riches become worthless. And boy does he start drinking. Though he receives Tony award after Tony award for Mantruck’s plays, they are just constant reminders of how fucking great Corbin Mantruck really is. In one stunning scene, after a Tony Awards, a jealous and drunken Shakespeare intrudes on the reclusive Mantruck. Shakespeare tells Mantruck that all of Mantruck’s plays have been garbage. Garbage! Amazingly, Mantruck agrees with Shakespeare, (!) but he tells him that the one he is writing now is his masterpiece. His masterpiece!

Shakespeare reads the first draft of Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece and it blows his boots off it’s so good. Ashamed and crying, Shakespeare gets on his knees and confesses his plagerism crimes to Corbin Mantruck. What can he do? he pleads, What can he do to make it up to Corbin Mantruck? Mantruck tells Shakespeare that the only way he can make it up is to win London’s annual marathon race and donate the £500,000 prize to the local fish market.

Shakespeare can’t do it alone. His drinking problem has made him overweight and out-of-shape and he’s in no condition to run a marathon. Fortunately, Corbin Mantruck has an idea. He quickly sets to work writing a new play, a play where Shakespeare is the star. In the play, Shakespeare’s character does warm ups, jumps rope, eats healthy, and quits drinking. To rehearse for the play, Shakespeare does all these things. Soon he has abs of steel and he’s very in shape. It’s a true testament to Corbin Mantruck’s playwrighting ability.

On the day of the big race, both Shakespeare and Mantruck line up as contestants. They’re longshots because they’re up against known cheaters Christopher Marlowe, Francis Bacon, Barry Allen, and Edward de Vere, all of whom are dressed solely in black 15^th century running gear.

The race starts and sure enough, Marlowe puts tranquilizers in Shakespeare’s water, Bacon cuts Shakespeare’s Achilles’ heel, Allen uses his powers, and de Vere uses his roller-skate shoes. It’s looking bad for Shakespeare, and he’s upset because he really wants win the money for the fish market so he can make up his plagiarism crimes to Corbin Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck, expecting these troubles, is quick to react. In no time at all he writes another script in which Marlowe, Bacon, Allen, and de Vere all die before completing the race. Quickly, Mantruck passes out the screenplay to each of the four cheaters. Soon they are all dead, and Mantruck’s only problem now is getting the tranquilized and crippled Shakespeare across the finish line. In an act of complete heroism, Corbin Mantruck writes a script giving him the strength to pick up William Shakespeare and carry him across the finish line. As they cross the finish line together, Mantruck tells Shakespeare that he never cared about the plagerism. He just cared about their friendship. The movie closes as we watch Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece play. It is called “Shakespeare’s Apprentice,” and it’s the Corbin and Shakespeare’s story.

Drug Suitcase

Trichelle: I can’t be with you anymore, Clive. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me.

Clive: Come on, Trichelle, It’s not that I don’t love you. I so do. It’s just that sometimes I’m too sleepy to say it!

Trichelle: To sleepy? That is b.s.! Narcolepsy isn’t even real! You don’t love me!

Clive: Narcolepsy is real, Trichelle! And I do too! I do too love you!

Trichelle: I’m not even a little bit convinced.

Clive: What do I have to do to convince you?

Trichelle: You probably can’t convince me!

Clive: I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you, Trichelle. Right… (yawn)…right after this nap…

Trichelle: This is unreal, Clive. This is unreal.

Clive: (snore)

(8 hours later)

Clive: (awaking) Trichelle? Trichelle are you still there?

(Clive looks around to see that she has gone)

Clive: Damn it! I probably love her and I need to prove it to her!

Nelson: Hey Clive, I can help you out, baby.

Clive: Oh no! Nelson, you are a drug dealer. You can’t help me out.

Nelson: Oh yes I can. I can help you stay awake cool. Look, I’ve got speeeeeeeed….

(Nelson opens up the suitcase he was carrying. The suitcase appears to glow a little and a ton of speed pills spill onto the floor.)

Clive: Come on. You’re telling me that those speed pills will stop me from getting sleepy?

Nelson: You bet I am, mamma-jamma.

Clive: Right sure but you just want to get me hooked on drugs.

Nelson: Mmmm-hmmmm…

Clive: Okay…well…how much for the suitcase?

Nelson: How about I give you this suitcase full of speed and you give me Trichelle?

Clive: What?

Nelson: It’s easy breezy, baby. You give me Trichelle and you get this whole suitcase full of speed. Oh my God, it’s so fly.

Clive: I…I can’t get Trichelle unless I have speed, and I can’t get the speed unless I give up Trichelle!

Nelson: Oooh-weee!

Clive: I guess…I guess the only thing I can do is agree. I lose Trichelle either way. At least this way I get a suitcase full of speed.

Nelson: Now you’re catchin’ on! Shooot….

(Nelson hands Clive the suitcase full of speed and then walks away with a limp)

Clive: Wait! Nelson! You didn’t tell me how many of these pills I’m supposed to take!

(Nelson doesn’t answer so Clive takes a lot of pills)

Clive: I’m invincible! I can run like a bullet! I can jump like a kangaroo! With this energy I can stay awake! I can win Trichelle back! Goodness, my heart...my heart is beating so fast!

(Clive runs and jumps extremely fast. His eyes are wide open and his teeth are clenched. But the dangerous drugs are soon too much, and he quickly begins screaming)

Clive: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Clive’s heart literally bursts out of his chest. Clive falls to the floor and his eyes watch in amazement as his heart, still beating, bounces down the hill. Clive was on a hill when this happened)

Clive: ….I’m…so…sleepy….

(Clive dies. Just as he does, eight-year-old Terry Yondle walks up and sees the closed speed suitcase)

Terry: Oh boy a suitcase! I’m gonna play businessman!

(Terry takes the suitcase and walks away)

Elsewhere, down the hill:

Trichelle: I don’t know, Nelson. You’re a bad boy and I like that, but I don’t know if I’m ready for you. You see, I just broke up with Clive like eight hours ago.

Nelson: Oh baby, baby. You’ve been ready for me for a long time. Shoot. Let’s not kid ourselves, I’ve seen where your eyes wander.

Trichelle: Well…as long as you don’t hurt anybody.

(Clive’s beating heart, bounces into Trichelle’s forehead)

Trichelle: (screams) This…this heart! Oh my God, this heart! I know it! I’d know it anywhere! It’s mine. He said it’s always been mine, and he was just using it. Clive…he’d always say that (Clive had said these words earlier, perhaps during the credits?) But if this is the heart he was using, that means….CLIVE IS DEAD! You did this to him, didn’t you Nelson?! I hate you! You and I will never be!

(Trichelle runs away crying)

Nelson: (to himself) Well if I don’t get Trichelle, that means Clive don’t get the suitcase full of speed! I’m gonna go get what’s mine!