Winston Churchill: The Once and Future King

Narrator: It’s the year 1854. The American Civil War has just ended. Our hero is 8 years old and unaware of the adventure that lies before him. But then, despite his many talents, Winston Churchill never claimed to be able to see the future.

(Shot of 8 year old Winston Churchill with his face pressed up against a New York candy shop window. He looks hungry and sad. He checks his pockets for change but he’s broke)

Winston Churchill: I hate being poor.

(Winston Churchill picks up a Hershey’s Chocolate bar wrapper from the gutter. Starving, he begins to lick it. After pausing for a moment, Winston begins to chew the wrapper, trying to get some of its chocolaty taste. It is then Winston notices the children inside the candy shop staring at him in horror. Ashamed, his face reddens and his eyes water. He slowly walks to the park, too sad to run)

Lady at park: Hey there, little boy! What’s the matter? Where are your parents?

Winston Churchill: They’re dead, mam. They died in the Civil War. Now I have to feed myself, but I’m too young to get a real job.

Lady at park: Oh, that’s so sad!

(The lady turns and walks away)

Winston Churchill: Dang it, if I just had money… If I had money I could buy warm clothes, I could eat tasty treats, and I could move far overseas.

(Winston Churchill gets hit by a truck that was driving through the park)

Winston Churchill: My legs! My legs! I’ll never walk again!

Heaven Angel: No, you won’t. But you will be King of England.

Winston Churchill: I will?

(For the first time since the movie began, the heaven angel disappears.)

Winston Churchill: I will?! No! Please, come back!

Winston Churchill: My only friend, and it’s gone…

(Winston Churchill begins crying, and through the camera’s rapidly alternating shots of his ruined legs and the space where the heaven angel used to be, the audience understands that he’s crying not just because he’ll never walk again, but also because he lost his only friend)

7 years later

(It’s the year 1861. Winston Churchill is 15 years old. He is right smack in the middle of puberty, with acne, the greasy face, and the gangly arms. He is like the whole shebang of puberty except that his legs don’t work.)

Winston Churchill: Verily, I own a casino empire!

(The camera pulls back to reveal Winston Churchill is in his wheelchair on the roof of the “England Casino,” a prominent casino on the Las Vegas strip. Without another word, he wheels himself off of the roof, and the audience below screams in horror. And then a parachute opens and he lands gracefully so it’s no big deal.)

Audience: Cheer for you!

(Winston Churchill takes a huge bite from a Hershey’s Chocolate Bar. When he is done, he licks the wrapper greedily, just like he did when he was 8. He is no longer ashamed.)

Winston Churchill: Yesterday’s morn I shot an officer of the law.

Madeline: Oh, I might argue that, Winston. Yesterday’s morn we saw a picture film.

Winston Churchill: Ay, but I could have, Madeline. And t’would have been so easy. And no person in this town would have said naught!

Madeline: I must leave you, Winston.

Winston Churchill: No not so, thy villainess, thy bitch!

Madeline: Yes, Winston. ‘Tis so. Whence I fell in love, I fell in love with a lad. And maybe the lad naught had coin, but he was good and true. He would speak of how he was to be the king of all England and verily, it was kind of sweet because the boy could not even walk, so ‘twas good luck being a king and all. Oh, but now, Winston, you talk of killing officers and you denounce me a bitch, and I am so not a bitch, Winston. Daresay you have changed.

Winston Churchill: You matter not! I need you, not! And take witness, vile serpent! I AM the king of England. I am the king of England Casino!

Madeline: (softly, like a baby’s whisper) Oh, Winston, love? Do you verily think that is what thine heaven angel meant? That you should be king of a casino?

Winston Churchill: Go! Get out of here before I break thine face!

(Madeline takes off her coat and we see that she has these huge rainbow angel wings and that she was a heaven angel the whole time. She disappears.)

Winston Churchill: (Crying) No! Heaven Angel! Return to me! How many times must I lose thee? (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

(Winston Churchill, his head bent down, rolls his wheelchair slowly away from his casino empire like he’s a sad cripple on a wheelchair.)

Winston Churchill: She’s right. I have changed. I’m bitter with the taste of the hurt of the world on my soul. Oh regret! You flood my mind and dampen it like a thousand biblical floods! Yea, but it is not too late. I can change. I will change. I’m going to be good again.

(A lightning flash occurs and suddenly nobody is wearing Shakespeare clothes anymore. Nobody seems aware of the change. However, in the foreground, we see old Biff get out of a car, clutching his stomach in pain.)

(A woman approaches Winston Churchill in the alleyway)

Amelia: You’re trying to be good?

Winston Churchill: Yes. I am. But I’ve been bad for seven years and I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, see that casino over there?

Amelia: Where?

Winston Churchill: That big one. Right there, right in front of that automobile.

Amelia: I don’t see it.

Winston Churchill: Really? You don’t? With the neon lights that say “England Casino”? It’s right there.

Amelia: No, I really can’t see it. I can’t see it because I’m an idiot and I can’t see huge buildings even though I can see everything else.

Winston Churchill: What?

Amelia: Of course I can see it! Get over yourself, cripple.

Winston Churchill: Sorry.

Amelia: I’m a tomboy. I talk back to men.

Winston Churchill: Woah. What else do you do?

Amelia: This: Fly planes. You see, my name is Amelia Earhart.

Winston Churchill: The pilot?!

Amelia: Yes. I’m back.

Later

Winston Churchill: (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

Thursday

Marty: The space time… continuum?

What's Your Secret, Richie Gunsen?

Voiceover: Richie Gunsen has a secret.

(Cut to scene showing Richie Gunsen tied to a chair. An angry women in a shiny leather uniform is interrogating him)

Vampelle Strovovich: Tell me what your secret is!

Voiceover: And people want to know what it is.

Richie Gunsen: Not a chance.

Voiceover: But Richie Gunsen is good at keeping secrets.

A huge explosion occurs behind Vampelle Strovovich, the force of which knocks her to the ground. She gets up and is so infuriated. Richie Gunsen remains tied to the chair.

Vampelle Strovovich: Damn you, Richie! Was that your secret?! That explosion?

Richie Gunsen: Go to hell, Vampelle. My secret lies elsewhere.

Vampelle Strovovich: (Stomps her foot and screams in frustration like, “Raaaa!”)

Voiceover: But with four evil governments listening to Richie’s every move, it’s going to be harder and harder for Richie’s secret to remain undiscovered.

(Cut to scene of a van with electrical equipment. People inside are wearing earphones and paying attention)

Van person 1: What did he just say? Was he talking about his secret just then?

Van person 2: No, I don’t think so.

Van person 1: Hmmm. I wonder what Richie’s secret is about.

(Richie Gunsen opens the back door of the van)

Richie Gunsen: I’m not telling.

Van person 1: Get him!

Voiceover: But can Richie keep his secret, even when love is on the line?

(Cut to scene of Richie getting a lap dance in the back of a strip club)

Mercedes Steem: No one’s ever liked me for anything other than my body.

Richie Gunsen: I know.

Mercedes Steem: But you’re different. You see the whole me. What’s your secret, Richie?

Richie Gunsen: It’s…It’s that….

(Richie pushes Mercedes’ breasts out his face)

Richie Gunsen: No. I won’t give you that.

(Richie walks away)

Mercedes Steem: Richie, no!

(Mercedes reaches her arm out towards Richie, but does not otherwise move)

Voiceover: And how can Richie keep his secret when he suddenly has to take care of the daughter he never knew he had?

(Richie opens the door to find a little girl looking up at him. She is holding a sleeping bag and a dirty stuffed bunny.)

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: You shouldn’t exist.

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: I don’t have time for this. Governments are trying to find out my secret!

Voiceover: …a daughter… that opens up his heart.

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen laughing and having an imaginary tea-party with his daughter. Suddenly Vampelle Strovovich bursts through the door. She is wielding a long, candy-striped scythe.)

Vampelle Strovovich: Is this your secret?! Having tea parties with your daughter?!

Richie Gunsen: No Vampelle, you bitch. I love my daughter and that’s not a secret at all.

Voiceover: But when his enemies use his daughter to pry out his secret, how will Richie Gunsen react?

(Cut to scene of Richie being held at gunpoint by the president of the former Soviet Union. His daughter is chained up and hanging over the tip of a nuclear warhead.)

President of former Soviet Union: Tell me what the nuclear launch codes are, Richie! Tell me or your daughter dies!

Richie Gunsen: But I don’t know any codes! I swear! I swear on my daughter’s life! That’s not my secret! It doesn’t have anything to do with that kind of stuff! It’s more…It’s more high-school related!

President of former Soviet Union: Or she dies, Richie.

Voiceover: Can Richie Gunsen save his daughter?

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen holding his daughter with the President of the former Soviet Union laying strangled to death with a chain around his neck.)

Voiceover: And how can he defeat the President of the former Soviet Union?

(Slow zoom chain around the dead President of the former Soviet Union’s throat.)