What's Your Secret, Richie Gunsen?

Voiceover: Richie Gunsen has a secret.

(Cut to scene showing Richie Gunsen tied to a chair. An angry women in a shiny leather uniform is interrogating him)

Vampelle Strovovich: Tell me what your secret is!

Voiceover: And people want to know what it is.

Richie Gunsen: Not a chance.

Voiceover: But Richie Gunsen is good at keeping secrets.

A huge explosion occurs behind Vampelle Strovovich, the force of which knocks her to the ground. She gets up and is so infuriated. Richie Gunsen remains tied to the chair.

Vampelle Strovovich: Damn you, Richie! Was that your secret?! That explosion?

Richie Gunsen: Go to hell, Vampelle. My secret lies elsewhere.

Vampelle Strovovich: (Stomps her foot and screams in frustration like, “Raaaa!”)

Voiceover: But with four evil governments listening to Richie’s every move, it’s going to be harder and harder for Richie’s secret to remain undiscovered.

(Cut to scene of a van with electrical equipment. People inside are wearing earphones and paying attention)

Van person 1: What did he just say? Was he talking about his secret just then?

Van person 2: No, I don’t think so.

Van person 1: Hmmm. I wonder what Richie’s secret is about.

(Richie Gunsen opens the back door of the van)

Richie Gunsen: I’m not telling.

Van person 1: Get him!

Voiceover: But can Richie keep his secret, even when love is on the line?

(Cut to scene of Richie getting a lap dance in the back of a strip club)

Mercedes Steem: No one’s ever liked me for anything other than my body.

Richie Gunsen: I know.

Mercedes Steem: But you’re different. You see the whole me. What’s your secret, Richie?

Richie Gunsen: It’s…It’s that….

(Richie pushes Mercedes’ breasts out his face)

Richie Gunsen: No. I won’t give you that.

(Richie walks away)

Mercedes Steem: Richie, no!

(Mercedes reaches her arm out towards Richie, but does not otherwise move)

Voiceover: And how can Richie keep his secret when he suddenly has to take care of the daughter he never knew he had?

(Richie opens the door to find a little girl looking up at him. She is holding a sleeping bag and a dirty stuffed bunny.)

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: You shouldn’t exist.

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: I don’t have time for this. Governments are trying to find out my secret!

Voiceover: …a daughter… that opens up his heart.

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen laughing and having an imaginary tea-party with his daughter. Suddenly Vampelle Strovovich bursts through the door. She is wielding a long, candy-striped scythe.)

Vampelle Strovovich: Is this your secret?! Having tea parties with your daughter?!

Richie Gunsen: No Vampelle, you bitch. I love my daughter and that’s not a secret at all.

Voiceover: But when his enemies use his daughter to pry out his secret, how will Richie Gunsen react?

(Cut to scene of Richie being held at gunpoint by the president of the former Soviet Union. His daughter is chained up and hanging over the tip of a nuclear warhead.)

President of former Soviet Union: Tell me what the nuclear launch codes are, Richie! Tell me or your daughter dies!

Richie Gunsen: But I don’t know any codes! I swear! I swear on my daughter’s life! That’s not my secret! It doesn’t have anything to do with that kind of stuff! It’s more…It’s more high-school related!

President of former Soviet Union: Or she dies, Richie.

Voiceover: Can Richie Gunsen save his daughter?

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen holding his daughter with the President of the former Soviet Union laying strangled to death with a chain around his neck.)

Voiceover: And how can he defeat the President of the former Soviet Union?

(Slow zoom chain around the dead President of the former Soviet Union’s throat.)