Tagline: It’s 11:34. Hope you’ve said your prayers!
Scene: 5th grade classroom. Math class is in session. Hunter Sterlington, a 10 year-old boy with an odd angel-shaped birthmark on his forehead, is working with his solar-powered calculator, as Hunter, even at 10, is environmentally conscious. His shirt has an upside-down tree on it.
Hunter: So if I have 1000 apples and I buy 100 pears, 30 oranges, and 4 cherries, I’ll have a total of –
(Suddenly, a bully throws a spit-wad at Hunter, causing him to drop his calculator. Hunter picks the calculator up upside down, but as he does he slows and his mouth opens in a silent scream. The film freezes as the camera rotates from Hunter’s eyes to the upside down calculator. The readout on his calculator quite plainly reads “hELL.” He turns the camera right-side up and the number reads 1134)
Hunter: (whispering) 1134 is upside-down hell! 1134 is hell! So….?!
(Hunter’s eyes widen, growing larger and more beautiful as the realization hits him. We see the fear in his eyes and our heart just fucking breaks.)
Hunter: At 11:34, the devil! The devil and hell!
(Hunter’s eyes shoot to the clock. It is currently 8:30am. The teachers, in a scene to be included in the Blu-ray extras, previously decided that in the afternoon, kids are tired and are much less likely to pay attention during math. “Why not teach it early?” asked Mrs. Timple, an actress playing a rookie 2nd grade teacher. In the year since this was implemented, higher test results have already indicated that when taught early in the day, children tend to retain much more of the math they learn. Fortunate for the kids, but extra fortunate because it gives Hunter 2 hours and 4 minutes before hell o’clock. He’ll need every goddamn minute.)
Mrs. Bolton: What was that, Hunter Sterlington? Did you say something?
Hunter: Mrs. Bolton! Look! Loooooooook…..(He shows Mrs. Bolton the upside-down calculator).
Mrs. Bolton: Why your calculator says “hell”!
Hunter: It does. Now let me turn it right-side up (he does so, gracefully and dexterously, his nimble fingers expertly moving the calculator back into right-side-upsville). 1134. Put a colon in the middle and it’s 11:34! Mrs. Bolton, the devil and hell are going to be here at 11:34!
Mrs. Bolton: Hunter Sterlington! No. The separation of church and state!
Hunter: Mrs. Bolton, excuse my harsh language, but that is horseshit. The devil doesn’t care about the constitution! He’s the devil! He cares about souls, Mrs. Bolton. Souls. Yours and mine and everybody else’s. He feeds on them like they’re greasy fried chicken legs. He licks at them with his forked tongue. “Mmmmm,” he says. “This soul tastes like teardrops on pillows!” Then he chomps at them ravenously, breaks them apart with his teeth, and digests them with his demon intestines like you taught us about in Health last week. And just like digested fried chicken, Mrs. Bolton, after each soul goes through his evil and twisted intestines, the devil takes a huge soul poop in the metaphorical toilet of Hell’s wasteland. But he’s never done, Mrs. Bolton. His hunger is eternal! And at 11:34, the devil and hell will march their way up to Nevaeh Elementary, and they will feast on a buffet of the innocent!
Mrs. Bolton: I see. But Hunter…? What if…what if we’re not so innocent?
Hunter: Mrs. Bolton? It’s okay. You can tell me.
(Hunter looks up at her, his eyes understanding. In that second – that instant – we understand that Hunter Sterlington has that rare magic seen in people where he can care about them and listen, truly listen, to what they are saying. Hunter has the kind of compassion that’s really…well there aren’t even words for it. If there was a word, it would have to be a mix of compassion and non-judgementalism. [compassanojudgalism?]).
Mrs. Bolton: (crying) I…I… sell heroin to my students!
Hunter: I know. I buy it back from them and throw it away.
Mrs. Bolton: Thank you.
Hunter: You can thank me by getting a gosh darned priest in here STAT. And Mrs. Bolton?
Mrs. Bolton: Uh-huh?
Hunter: Start praying.
Mrs. Bolton: I will. I will pray forever (starts saying the Lord’s Prayer in Latin, a language she spoke growing up because her Dad taught Latin).
(Hunter rushes off, quickly reaching his elementary school gym. Once there, he kicks the doors open with his boot)
Hunter: Boo-yah. This is where I will train the army of exorcist child soldiers
Whole Different Scene:
Hunter: Here they come, everybody! Ready…on my mark…..Now! Start dancing now! Do the Angel’s Kissyboo!
(The kids start doing this dance move, all to the terror of Satan’s army)
Sgt. Demon Firecles: No! They’re not supposed to know that dance! Quick! Cut off their legs!
(Although the Angel’s Kissyboo dance causes Satan’s Army unspeakable, paralyzing pain, one of the demons is able to cut off the legs of one of the children. With one less child dancing, the pain is slightly less intense, and other demons are able to summon the strength to cut the legs off of other children. This gets easier for them with each legless child. Hunter narrowly evades losing his legs as he backs up towards the door)
Hunter: Retreat!
Children: We…we can’t!
Hunter: Oh no! I forgot about your legs! (runs out of gym)
(As Hunter runs through the hallway, we see children and teachers fighting a losing battle because Hell’s wrath is eternal and undying)
Hunter: If only this had happened tomorrow! I’m THIS close to finishing my .38 caliber demon neutralizer!
(Hunter hides in the teacher’s lounge, which has so far been miraculously spared from the battle. Suddenly, a ghostly translucent man appears with a flat square hovering above his head. He’s got a greenish color around him)
Hunter: Be you angel or devil, spirit?!
Triumverant: There are more choices than those, human Hunter Sterling.
Hunter: Spirit, you’re going to have to explain yourself quickly. Legless children depend on it.
Triumverant: What if I told you that sure there were demons and angels, but that there was also a secret species of spirit.
Hunter: Unbelievable!
Triumverant: Believe it, human Hunta Sterla. Equate it to the fact of this: Your human society has within it secret societies, am I not correct? For example Skull and Bones, Illuminati, The Priory of Sion, etc.? These groups are known of vaguely, but most information is based on rumors?
Hunter: That’s true!
Triumverant: Well, human Huntel Sterlel, my spirit species is like your secret societies; Angels and demons know of us only in legend, yet we exist all the same. Through infiltration and whispers, we influence each spirit faction and guide them towards the ultimate purpose of the Triumverant.
Hunter: So then….you’re responsible for this big ol’ mess at my school!
Triumverant: Bingo. We hate schools.
Meanwhile:
Girl: My legs! Where are my legs?!
Demon: I have urinated on them and then eaten them, child.
Later:
Hunter Sterlington: Even if I could beat the demons, I’d still have to beat the Triumverant. And, if I can beat both the demons and the Triumverant, my soccer team will never win the championship without any legs!
Later:
Soccer Referee: Goal!
