TRIAL BY SNAKE

COURT REPORTER:  The defendant in our next case is somewhat well known. A hero to our city who goes by the moniker Snake Charmer, he was once a tall, frail, and skinny boy with an interest in reptiles.  After accidentally finding the mysterious Cave of the Forgotten Gods, he was granted a big jug full of snakes by the demi-god Gelli-Ah.  With this jug, he became invincible, so long as the snakes in the jug remain alive.  

The COURT REPORTER turns lackadaisically to the camera, sighing.

COURT REPORTER: The plaintiff in this case is the very same demi-god Gelli-Ah.  She states that she gave the jug to Snake Charmer in good faith, telling him that one day the snakes in the magic jug would die and that its powers could then pass to another deserving soul.  She is accusing the defendant of purchasing additional snakes from various pet stores, and then using them to replace any dead snakes in the magic jug.  By doing so, Snake Charmer is retaining his power and near immortality far beyond what Gelli-Ah had originally intended.  But wait!  Our trial….BEGINS!

The crowd around the courtroom suddenly hushes, as the BAILIFF gets things moving.

BAILIFF:  All rise. The honorable judge and former ParaShootist Xander Citement is presiding.

XANDER CITEMENT walks into the courtroom, the tips of his hair frosted.  He looks out at the courtroom with confidence as if challenging any haters

XANDER CITEMENT:  Thanks.  Everybody can sit right the fuck down.  

The crowd murmurs in a way appropriate to what Judge XANDER CITEMENT has just said

XANDER CITEMENT: Okay now listen up.  As you can see, I ain’t one of those stuffy judges.  I do things my way.  And my way, my friends, is a way without limits or any of those boundaries enforced by social-norms.  So let me boil it down for you:  I might have the attitude of a Harley Davidson rider and the IQ of a smart businessman, but as far as y’all are concerned?  In this courtroom, I AM the law.  Hear ye, hear ye?

CROWD:  (all nodding) Hear ye.

XANDER CITEMENT: Great.  Then we fuckin’ understand each other.  Now like I said, sit the fuck down cause I got a case to judge.

The crowd sits. Betty Paulsen, court stenographer, looks up with a tear in her eye.

XANDER CITEMENT: So! Before we begin, the courtroom should know that when it’s lived like I’ve lived it, life itself is a drug!  No need for methamphetamines! (flashes sideways peace sign)

SNAKE CHARMER:  We appreciate your example, your honor.

XANDER CITEMENT: So you, Gelli-Ah...  (Looks at his papers) Says here something about… “snakes should be dead by now”?

GELLI-AH steps forward. Her beauty betrays her as someone not of this world.  Her hair is ribboned with eternity and omniscience, and it falls loosely to her shoulders.  She is wearing a smart black business suit that looks very expensive. She is nearly tattoo-free.


GELLI-AH: Yes. I am Demi-God Gelli-Ah, Eternal Witness and Mistress of Snakes.  It is truth that the snakes I gave him should no longer exist in the mortal realm. The snakes I provided within the jug were no more than the common garter variety. They were neither special nor enhanced. I know this, as all snakes are my children.  The common garter snake spirit is contained within its flesh shell for around 8 years.  But this is true only if - IF the snakes are well fed AND not crammed into a jug filled to the brim with other garter snakes.  The human calling himself Snake Charmer has had live snakes in his jug for nigh on 12 years! What are they eating?! Pray tell!  There is no room for snake sustenance in the jug!  This human attempts to cheat the very demi-god that granted him power! There WILL be a legal reckoning!

XANDER CITEMENT:  Yep.  Question for you, Gelli-Ah.  You give these snakes out before?

GELLI-AH:  Not these same snakes, but I’ve given out jugs with other snakes, yes.  Once every hundred years.

XANDER CITEMENT: And?

GELLI-AH: And the snakes are usually dead within a few months.  The longest previous stretch was six months, and the recipient froze them.  They were technically alive, if you can call such an existence life.

XANDER CITEMENT: So twelve years is like a new record or something?

GELLI-AH:  As I said. 

SNAKE CHARMER:  Your honor, if I may – 

XANDER CITEMENT: Hey! Trickle dick! Wait your turn!  I ain’t talkin’ to you yet!

SNAKE CHARMER: (flustered) Er…Yes, your honor. 

XANDER CITEMENT: So basically, Gelli-Ah, you’re upset because this guy here is keeping live snakes in the jug longer than you wanted him to?

GELLI-AH: That is correct.

XANDER CITEMENT: Right.  Just makin’ make sure we’re all on the same page here.  So...was there any written contract or anything?  You have it in writing that he can’t add new snakes?  Or maybe you worded it like, “these snakes”?  Something like that?
SNAKE CHARMER: There was no written contract, your honor.  She just said, and I quote --

Judge Xander Citement takes out a long-barreled revolver and shoots it at the floor, right between Snake Charmer’s feet.

XANDER CITEMENT: Said it wasn’t your turn yet, son!  Hang tight, we’re almost there. Back to you, snake cosmos lady – you got a written, notarized contract for this?

GELLI-AH:  No, your honor.

XANDER CITEMENT:  Right.  So now Gelli-Ah, if I can sum things up, basically you gave him your power with verbal conditions, and while he’s technically meeting those conditions, you ain’t happy with how he’s doin’ it.  That sound about right?

GELLI-AH: That is a simplification, but yes, it is accurate.

XANDER CITEMENT: Well hot fuck! I got one right!  Now you, Snake Charmer!  Talk to me on your thoughts.

SNAKE CHARMER: I didn’t do anything wrong, your honor.  I FIGHT injustice. I don’t create it!

GELLI-AH:  You do so at my pleasure!  At mine!  Return the jug to me!

XANDER CITEMENT: Woah Nellie!  Gelli-Ah, don’t go thinking I won’t bust your ass just cause you’re some kinda demi-whoozit.  It’s this snake guy’s chance to speak now and it’s your chance to take that trap and shut it!

GELLI-AH: (mumbles something indistinguishable)

XANDER CITEMENT:  What’s that?  You still wanna say something? Well I can’t hear you, snake lady!  You asking me out on a date or something? Don’t be shy, now!

GELLI-AH: (quietly) No, your honor.  I will remain silent. For now.

XANDER CITEMENT: Good.  That’s great news, glad to hear it.  So go on, Snake Charmer.  Tell us your side of this thing.

SNAKE CHARMER: Thank you, your honor. Well, as most of you know, I met Gelli-Ah in the Cave of Forgotten Gods and our relationship was friendly at first.  If you’ve read my autobiography, you know that it was…VERY friendly at first.  I think it’s safe to say that we found each other in that cave. It was… well, whatever she might say now…apparently I impressed her enough in that cave that she thought I should be bestowed the snake jug.  And as she herself admitted, no contract was signed or even presented.  I read now from page 32 of my Autobiography, where I recount what happened. 

(Snake Charmer pulls out his Autobiography Charmed, I’m Sure, and begins reading)

SNAKE CHARMER: “And as we lay there, naked, a faint green glow from an unknown source broke through the surrounding darkness, lighting her up. By god, she was beautiful.  Gelli-Ah turned to me, still sweaty from our passion, and I watched as a jug slowly materialized in her hand.  Breathlessly, she whispered, “Mortal, so long as the snakes inside this jug remain alive, you shall have powers of no mortal man.  You shall be immortal.  But I warn you:  the snakes in the jug do not share your powers. On the day that the last snake in the jug dies, so too will you.  Use your time and your powers wisely to serve justice and protect the weak.  This is my blessing.  It is also my curse.”

(Snake Charmer closes the book)

XANDER CITEMENT:  Shit, son!

SNAKE CHARMER:  Yeah.  I know.  I had really mixed feelings about it.  I mean, of course I wanted to protect people; I was really happy about that part of it.  And the immortality thing was – is –  awesome too.  But at the same time, she was also basically giving me a death sentence!  I die when the snakes die?!  Like, the very first thing I did when I got home was Google how longs snakes live!

XANDER CITEMENT:  Google.  Shit.

SNAKE CHARMER:  Right.  So I figure, there has to be some sort of workaround.  I don’t want to die just cause of some dead snakes in a jug…  And finally it came to me!  Pet stores have tons of snakes!  It was worth a shot, right?  Your honor, I won’t deceive you.  I openly ADMIT that I’m replacing the snakes.  I admit it!  Every day!  I try to be careful with them, but yeah, they are tightly packed in this thing and they drop like flies.  But if I hadn’t been replacing them, I would have been dead a long, long time ago.  I wouldn’t have been around to overthrow the Mongoose’s reign of terror or to stop Honey Badger’s psychic drug ring!  Yes, maybe the spirit of the agreement was for the lifespan of the original snakes, but that was never stated explicitly, and - 

XANDER CITEMENT:  and you didn’t want to die.  I think we’re all clear on your motives, Snake boy.

GELLI-AH: Your honor, I…

XANDER CITEMENT:  Yeah, Gelli?

GELLI-AH:  May I approach the bench?

XANDER CITEMENT:  You may if you bring me one of those candies I saw in your purse.  
(GELLI-AH grabs a butterscotch candy and approaches XANDER CITEMENT and speaks to him in a whisper)

GELLI-AH: Your honor, I must speak to you confidentially.  Snake Charmer must not know of our conversation, else all might be lost.

XANDER CITEMENT: I’ll allow it.

GELLI-AH: When the snakes in the jug have all finally died, Snake Charmer will not also perish.  Rather, letting the last snake die is a vital part of the learning process – it forces him to accept the powerlessness of one’s own mortality.  And so this jug, this jug full of snakes, is simply the first test. When all the snakes have died, Snake Charmer will remain alive, though he will have lost his powers.  That is, until he passes the second test.

XANDER CITEMENT:  The second test? Well keep talkin’, lady.  You’ve got me curious!

GELLI-AH:  Yes.  For this test, while mortal and physically weakened, he must protect someone from danger.  He must learn that his strongest strength is that of his character. Further, he must do all of this while carrying a jug filled with dead snakes.

XANDER CITEMENT:  What a mind fuck!

GELLI-AH: As you say.  

XANDER CITEMENT: Yeah.  So you got any more of them jugs, or what?  Cause this courtroom ain't feedin' my thrill need, and it's time I get back to gettin' busy with some Parashootin'.  Maybe this time...maybe this time I get Parashootin' with a jug full of snakes.

GELLI-AH: Interesting.