Thirst For Justice: 5030

Place: Earth: Year: 5030: Everything is really cold. You would get frostbite. There aren’t cities anymore because everything got covered in snow and ice. To compensate, human beings have evolved eight layers of skin and blubber to keep them warm. Now everyone looks weird and fat.

Blabono: I don’t know what to do about this heart disease!

Flabina: You could do excercises, Blabono, but if you do, be careful. If you do too much you’ll lose weight and freeze to death.

Blabono: That’s the issue plaguing our time.

Flabina: Don’t be a jackass. The real issue is-

Blabono: Saber-toothed polar bears!

Flabina: Exactly.

Blabono: No! I mean behind you! Saber-toothed polar bears!

(A bunch of saber-toothed polar bears drive up on bear-mobiles. They are brandishing Kelvin Swords, a sword that is constantly at 1 degree Kevin. The swords are really cool, and were invented by saber-toothed polar bears in the late 4990’s. As cool as they are, they are even more of one thing: Deadly. Because the Kelvin swords can instantly freeze to death anything they stab)

Flabina: Run for it!

(Flabina and Blabono run for it. Flabina gets away, but Blabono trips over the frozen and mummified body of the last Eskimo. As a result, Blabono is captured by the saber-toothed polar bears.)

Blabono: Oh no!

Sir Freezalot: We’ve captured you.

Blabono: If only there was a tree I could climb!

Sir Freezalot: Your parents are dead. We will raise you as our own. We are saber-toothed polar bears.

(From here, the movie will cut to Blabono learning the ways of Sir Freezealot his saber-toothed polar bear buddies. Blabono would learn how to catch fish with his hands, learn how to ride bear-mobiles, and learn how to wield a Kelvin sword. Also, Blabono would forget how to climb trees. Seven years would pass and Blabono would enter his early 40’s.)

Blabono: I still have this raging heart disease! (Stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. He drinks deeply from its icy-cold refreshing flavor.)

Sir Freezalot: That looks really good.

Blabono: Oh, it is. I seriously can’t believe how good it is when stabbed with a Kelvin sword and paired with this future fish we eat that you caught with your paws.

(Sir Freezalot stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. For the first time, he experiences firsthand the rush of adrenaline and joy that come compliments of every Diet Coke 8000)

Sir Freezalot: Wow. Just…wow. I must have more of this.

Blabono: I know, right? But I’m sorry, that was the last one. I just found these two bottles at the abandoned discothèque we raided. (ed. Note: adventure not shown. Saved for tie-in prequel)

Sir Freezalot: (roars!)

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar) I mean, I know that humans have more. I practically grew up on this stuff.

Sir Freezalot: Then we will take it from them.

Blabono: You mean-

Sir Freezalot: I mean war, Blabono. For 25 years we’ve lived in a restless peace with humanity. But never in that time did they tell us the pleasures of Diet Coke 8000. But they couldn’t keep that secret forever, and now we know.

Later:
Blabono: My heart disease!

Sir Freezalot: Tonight we attack. We’ll creep into their village and maul them while they sleep, using our paws so we can keep our Kelvin swords sanitary for the cool refreshing flavor in store for us.

Later:
General Fatmeyer: The alarms! They’ve sounded! Man your battle stations, men! God. I knew this day would come. Quickly, Sgt. Nutterbutter! Put the Diet Coke 8000 in the containment center!

Flabina: Sir? Nutterbutter froze to death from exercising too much.

General Fatmeyer: Then it’s up to you, Lt. Flabina. Our ability to thirst quench is in your hands.

Flabina: I won’t let you down sir.

Later:
Blabono: Hey you! Get down from that tree and give us your Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: Blabono! You’re alive! It’s me, Flabina! All these years I thought the saber-toothed polar bears had killed you! I felt so guilty!

Blabono: Flabina? I…remember. No, Flabina. They didn’t kill me. They saved me. They raised me as a saber-toothed polar bear and taught me their ways. That’s why I can’t climb that tree! Now climb down and hand over the Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: No, Blabono. I know you. I know that somewhere deep inside you is the old Blabono, the human Blabono who knows how to climb trees. Blabono?

Blabono: Yes?

Flabina: Let the old Blabono out.

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar)

Later:
(SirFreezalot and General Fatmeyer laugh, arms around each other, drinking a Kelvin sword-stabbed Diet Coke 8000 and enjoying its flavor immensely)

Lion vs. Pony

Raquel is a 15 year-old girl from a middle-class family. She’s wanted a pony for as long as she can remember. When her family finally gets her one, she can’t believe it. She names the Pony Darius, and even though the pony is a lot of work, she takes care of it all by herself. She feeds it, she grooms it, she empties its stall, and she takes it out every day after school.

One day, as Raquel is walking Darius - a lion. Raquel injures herself saving Darius from the lion, and when she wakes up, Darius is talking to her. Yes, her pony is talking to her.

Darius: Raquel, you have saved my life, risking yours in doing so.

Raquel: Darius? You can talk? But you’re a pony!

Darius: I am no ordinary pony, Raquel. I am the King Pony.

Raquel: King Pony?

Darius: Yes. But I am in hiding. That lion that attacked us was after me.

Raquel: But why, King Pony? Why would anyone want to hurt you?

Darius: Politics, Raquel. Politics. The lions are at war with the ponies.

Raquel: Then I will fight with the ponies!

Darius: Oh Raquel. You are young and yet there is so much you do not know!

Raquel: Still, I will die for the ponies.

Darius: Come then. I will emerge from hiding and stand tall against the lion threat. And you Raquel, will be Queen Pony!

Raquel: But where do we go, Darius!

Darius: To my kingdom! Hop on!

But when Darius and Raquel gallop towards Darius’ kingdom, a pack of lions blocks them off. The pack of lions quickly circles them and then one of the lions leaps through the air and knocks Raquel off of Darius. Darius, spooked, runs and leaps over the lions. The lions give chase, but Darius outruns them. Meanwhile, a lion helps Raquel off the ground.

Raquel: Kill me if you must, lions, but you’ll never win. The ponies have “right” on their side!

Lion Leader: Girl, what are you talking about?

Raquel: The war! You’ll never win the war with the ponies!

Lion Leader: We’re not at war with the ponies. That’s ridiculous.

Raquel: But King Pony said…

Lion Leader: Girl, I’m afraid you’ve been fooled.

Raquel: What do you mean?

Lion Leader: Did “King Pony”…did he ask you anything?

Raquel: What?

Lion Leader: Did he make any advances towards you?

Raquel: No! He’s my friend! He was going to make me Queen Pony!

Lion Leader: Mmm-hmmm. There it is…

Raquel: But you don’t mean…!.

Lion Leader: We’re afraid so. Girl, this is not his first offense. This pony has been around a long time. He was supposed to register when he came into your area

Raquel: This is just awful!

Lion Leader: It is. We were trying to protect you.

Raquel: That bastard pony! I took such good care of him and the whole time he… he wanted to…(shivers) What can I do? I want to help catch him.

Lion Leader: Are you sure? Of course, we can protect you if you help, but we’ll understand if it’s too much for you.

Raquel: I’m sure. Let’s put him out to pasture.

The lions work with Raquel and together they devise a plan. Raquel calls Darius and tells them she escaped the lions and that she still wants to be Queen Pony. Darius is suspicious of what she knows, but Raquel works hard to convince him. Eventually, they devise a plan to meet at Raquel’s house. The lions hide around the house and load Raquel up with recording equipment. However, Darius proves more ruthless than anyone had expected. Darius sneaks up behind two lions and breaks their necks. In an act involving smoke, confusions, and explosions, Darius is kidnaps Raquel. But Ryu, the lion leader, is able to escape Darius, and secretly tracks Darius. In the end, Ryu is able to save Raquel by biting off Darius’s throat and feasting on him. It is the animal way.

Raquel: You saved me, Ryu. What’s more, you stopped a very sick pony. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

Ryu: (looking up from the corpse of Darius) We did it!

Cupid's Needle

Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.

Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.

Eugene: I know. We’re all so high right now. Our second relapse and we’re all only 18…

All: Shit…

Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.

Terrence: What is it, Bob?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob?

Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.

Eugene: Come on, Bob! We’re all heroin addicts. What chick is gonna want to do us?

Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin, Eugene! We can hide it.

Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.

Bob: We’ll figure out a way.

Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.

Eugene: Me too.

Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.

SCENE: Lover's Point

Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.

Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.

Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?

Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.

(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.

Terrence: And then?

Bob: And then I puked on her.

Terrence: No!

Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.

Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?

Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.

Eugene: Man. Getting laid is gonna be harder than we thought.

Bob: I know it.

Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.

Eugene: Well good luck with that!

Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.

SCENE: A romantic French restaurant

Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.

Terrence: I’m glad you think so.

Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?

Terrence: What?

Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.

Terrence: Really?

Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?

Terrence: I knew it!

Gisele: What’s that?

Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”

Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.

(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)

Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!

Terrence: …

Gisele: Terrence?!!

(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)

Terrence: …insulin?…

Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?

Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.

Eugene: She caught you? Rough. But how’d you get the burn marks?

Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.

Eugene: And the cuts?

Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….

Eugene: Bob, you caught on fire once, right?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?

Bob: …

Eugene: Oh man. Dude…I think he just O.D.’d!

Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!

(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)

Eugene: We’re never gonna get laid this way!

Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!

Welcome To The Jungle

Scene: Ira Buchman [Mad About You] is the famous explorer. On this day he is hiking through the jungles of South America. He is by himself and there is no person anywhere even close to him. It is raining and he is cutting a path through the trees with a machete.

Ira: (speaking to himself) What a jungle! So thick! I don’t think anybody has every been here before.

(Ira passes a statue of the Egyptian god Horus, but he doesn’t even see it and he keeps cutting)

Ira: I mean, there are literally 1 billion people on Earth. Walking on land that no man has ever walked on before feels…I don’t know…good.

(Just 15 feet away from Ira, but blocked from his view, we see an exact duplicate of the rocks at Stonehenge.)

Ira: (Still hacking his way through the jungle and a snake that got in the way) There’s something about the air here. It’s electric, like it’s filled with mini-lightnings.

(We see a Mayan statue that is once again just out of Ira’s point of view. And then we see a merman statue from Atlantis)

Ira: Hmmm…that’s weird. It looks like there’s a clearing ahead. Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!

(When Ira clears through the bushes, we see enormous thatch houses everywhere. There is a huge city only instead of people living in it, a bunch of big Sphinx’s live in it. They are part human, part lion, and all beautiful. A she-sphinx, her bare breasts blowing in the wind, hears Ira say “Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!” and is startled. She quickly gallops over to Ira)

Trinxy the she-sphinx: Are you mad, man-ape? Do you want to get yourself killed?

Ira: This is amazing!

Trinxy: Don’t you see that you have to be quiet?

Ira: (whispering) Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is ask questions! Why don’t you just talk to me?

Trinxy: Are sphinx’s not mortally bound to speak only in questions?

Ira: (whispering) I see. Well, thank you for the warning and for your help. But you must understand my excitement! Nobody thought Sphinx’s were real!

Trinxy: Haven’t you seen the statue in Egypt?

Ira: (whispering) Yes, but we thought it was a fictional statue. What is your name?

Trinxy: Did I forget to tell you my name is Trinxy?

Ira: Yes. Nice to meet you, Trinxy. My name is Ira Buchman.

(Ira takes out his pistol and shoots Trinxy in the brain. As she falls to the ground dead, she drops a weapon that looks like sphinx harpoon. Startled, Ira looks at it and notices it is labled “man-ape gun.”)

Ira: Oh my God! What’s this? It looks like Trinxy was going to kill me!

(Ira slowly backs away from the Sphinx village. But then he bumps into a tree, and suddenly ten mermen soldiers descend from high up in the jungle trees. Startled, Ira looks helplessly as the mermen point their fishy tails at him and hold up their pointy tridents.)

Ira: I see. Where there are sphinx’s, there are mermen soldiers from Atlantis.

Tonyfish: And so it shall always be. Hi, human. My name is Tonyfish.

Ira: Well my name is Blow You All Up!

(Ira reaches for his grenade launcher but before he can get it, the grenade launcher is tridented by Tonyfish)

Tonyfish: We lost one civilization that way. We will not lose another.

Ira: My apologies.

Tonyfish: Suck on your apologies. You tried to destroy us and we will now imprison you on our prison island!

Ira: Please! I’m just a famous explorer! You must understand. We thought Atlantis was lost, and we thought all mermen had been lost with it. But you live! It is a glorious miracle that you live! It’s a miracle we must seize and rejoice at! My people have so much to learn from you! Please forgive me. Teach me of your advanced technologies and let our people live together in peace as they once did.

Tonyfish: Hmmm….maybe I –

Ira: Maybe isn’t good enough. Get them, guys!

(Fifteen druids, all dressed in white gowns with pointed white caps, float down from the thunderclouds in the sky. As they gracefully land, they summon the very roots from the earth to entangle the mermen.)

Tonyfish: No!

(The druids cast “Wrath” on the entangled mermen until they are all dead)

Ira: Thanks for your help, druids of old.

Andrewd: My name is Andrewd. We had been trying to exterminate the fish people for sometime.

(A bunch of police sphinx’s suddenly show up, trying to find Trinxy’s killer.)

Police Sphinx: Will you hold it right there, Ira?!

Ira: Help me, druids!

Andrewd: No way. You’re on your own!

(the druids take travel form and run off quickly. The police sphinx’s arrest Ira and put him in a jail shaped like a question mark.)

Ira: Damn those druids! Betrayal is the cruelest mistress. That is, it is the cruelest mistress other than Ixchel, the Mayan’s aged jaguar goddess of midwifery. Alas, I wish Ixchel were here now, for only she could rescue me from the police sphinx’s and also avenge the betrayal of the druids. Unfortunately, the Mayans are a lost people and I’ll probably never meet one let alone a goddess.

Cellmate Ixchel: You are wrong, because Ira - I am Ixchel!