Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.
Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.
All: Shit…
Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.
Terrence: What is it, Bob?
Bob: …
Terrence: Bob?
Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.
Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin,
Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.
Bob: We’ll figure out a way.
Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.
Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.
SCENE: Lover's Point
Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.
Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.
Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?
Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.
(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)
SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.
Terrence: And then?
Bob: And then I puked on her.
Terrence: No!
Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.
Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?
Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.
Bob: I know it.
Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.
Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.
SCENE: A romantic French restaurant
Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.
Terrence: I’m glad you think so.
Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?
Terrence: What?
Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.
Terrence: Really?
Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?
Terrence: I knew it!
Gisele: What’s that?
Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”
Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.
(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)
Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!
Terrence: …
Gisele: Terrence?!!
(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)
Terrence: …insulin?…
Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?
Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.
SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.
Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.
Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….
Bob: …
Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?
Bob: …
Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!
(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)
Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!
1 comment:
Dude-- WHY HAVEN"T THE MADE THIS HERE SCREENPLAY INTO A MOVIE ALREADY? FUCKANUT, WHY NOT THREE MOVIES AND A SPIN OFF ABOUT THE GIRL THAT GETS COVERNED IN SHIT AND VOMIT?
HOLLYWOOD!!! ATTENTION PLEASE!!!!!!!!
BUT THE BEGINNING WAS GAY.
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