Saving Time

It is the year 70 Million B.C. Cave men rule the world. Cave man Manosaur should be happy. He has 5 children and 1 loving cave wife. Still, his life is empty and unfulfilling and he doesn’t know why. Then, one day, as he out hunting for raptors, he sees a sudden flash. He goes to investigate, and he finds a large metal box.

Manosaur: What is this?

(Manosaur knocks on the box and suddenly the box opens. Derrick, a man from the year 2009 steps out)

Derrick: Where is Jesus?

Manosaur: Who is Jesus?

Derrick: “Who’s Jesus?” Oh no! What year is this?

Manosaur: What do you mean?

Derrick: The unthinkable has happened! I’ve gone too far back in time!

Manosaur: Back in time? Where are you from?

Derrick: Not where, my caveman friend. When. I’m from the year 2009 A.D.

Manosaur: But that’s impossible! That’s over 70 million years from now!

Derrick: Precisely. And unfortunately, it was a one-way trip. I sacrificed living in the future to meet Jesus.

Manosaur: But why? What’s so great about Jesus?

Derrick: Hmmmm….What is your name, cave man?

Manosaur: Manosaur. And may I ask your name?

Derrick: I’m Derrick. And Manosaur? I think I can help you.

Through the rest of Act 1 and all of Act 2, Derrick teaches Manosaur the word of the Bible. He tells him about the great flood that will occur, and about Samson and David and Goliath and most beautiful of all, he tells Manosaur about Jesus and how after 70 million years, he will release Manosaur from the tortures of hell. Through it all, Manosaur is enraptured, and is saddened only by the fact that he will not live long enough to meet Jesus.

Derrick: I know what you mean, Manosaur. I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to meet Him too, so bad that I gave up all of the comforts of the year 2009 in order to do so. But it wasn’t meant to be. Still, even if I couldn’t meet Him, I’m glad I was given the opportunity to bring His word to you and your cave family.

Manosaur: Look out, a triceratops!

(A triceratops runs towards Derrick and Manosaur stops it by throwing a spear through its eye and into its small brain)

Derrick: You…you saved my life, Manosaur.

Manosaur: That’s nothing. You saved my soul.

Derrick: I guess I did.

Manosaur: Derrick, do you ever wonder that you’ll change the future by being in the past?

Derrick: No.

Manosaur: See that baby raptor? Kill it for me. I want to see something.

(Derrick steps on the baby raptor and kills it and then as soon as he does he has long sharp teeth and pink curly hair)

Manosaur: You look hilarious!

Derrick: But as far as I know, I’ve always looked like this!

Manosaur: Exactly. Anyway, let’s talk about Jesus.

Derrick: Who?

Manosaur: Jesus! The son of God! The Jesus who’ll die for your sins in 70 million years!

Derrick: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that I came back in time to play baske–

Manosaur: No! You came back in time to see Jesus! But then you stepped on a baby raptor and now you don’t even know who He is!!

Derrick: Teach me.

Manosaur: I will. It all starts with this book. (Manosaur begins reading from the Bible)

Derrick: This…this seems right.

Manosaur preaches the Word to Derrick, and it is strange because originally Derrick taught Manosaur. When Manosaur finally finishes teaching Derrick about Jesus, suddenly Derrick's hair and teeth go back to normal and the baby raptor springs back to life.

Derrick: Manosaur, I might have saved your soul, but you saved my life AND my soul.

Manosaur: It was nothing. Come on. I want to show you this thing I invented. I call it “fire.”

Derrick: (laughs) Fire, huh? I think I’ve heard of it. It’s going to be big.

Manosaur: (laughs)

Credits

Welcome To The Jungle

Scene: Ira Buchman [Mad About You] is the famous explorer. On this day he is hiking through the jungles of South America. He is by himself and there is no person anywhere even close to him. It is raining and he is cutting a path through the trees with a machete.

Ira: (speaking to himself) What a jungle! So thick! I don’t think anybody has every been here before.

(Ira passes a statue of the Egyptian god Horus, but he doesn’t even see it and he keeps cutting)

Ira: I mean, there are literally 1 billion people on Earth. Walking on land that no man has ever walked on before feels…I don’t know…good.

(Just 15 feet away from Ira, but blocked from his view, we see an exact duplicate of the rocks at Stonehenge.)

Ira: (Still hacking his way through the jungle and a snake that got in the way) There’s something about the air here. It’s electric, like it’s filled with mini-lightnings.

(We see a Mayan statue that is once again just out of Ira’s point of view. And then we see a merman statue from Atlantis)

Ira: Hmmm…that’s weird. It looks like there’s a clearing ahead. Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!

(When Ira clears through the bushes, we see enormous thatch houses everywhere. There is a huge city only instead of people living in it, a bunch of big Sphinx’s live in it. They are part human, part lion, and all beautiful. A she-sphinx, her bare breasts blowing in the wind, hears Ira say “Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!” and is startled. She quickly gallops over to Ira)

Trinxy the she-sphinx: Are you mad, man-ape? Do you want to get yourself killed?

Ira: This is amazing!

Trinxy: Don’t you see that you have to be quiet?

Ira: (whispering) Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is ask questions! Why don’t you just talk to me?

Trinxy: Are sphinx’s not mortally bound to speak only in questions?

Ira: (whispering) I see. Well, thank you for the warning and for your help. But you must understand my excitement! Nobody thought Sphinx’s were real!

Trinxy: Haven’t you seen the statue in Egypt?

Ira: (whispering) Yes, but we thought it was a fictional statue. What is your name?

Trinxy: Did I forget to tell you my name is Trinxy?

Ira: Yes. Nice to meet you, Trinxy. My name is Ira Buchman.

(Ira takes out his pistol and shoots Trinxy in the brain. As she falls to the ground dead, she drops a weapon that looks like sphinx harpoon. Startled, Ira looks at it and notices it is labled “man-ape gun.”)

Ira: Oh my God! What’s this? It looks like Trinxy was going to kill me!

(Ira slowly backs away from the Sphinx village. But then he bumps into a tree, and suddenly ten mermen soldiers descend from high up in the jungle trees. Startled, Ira looks helplessly as the mermen point their fishy tails at him and hold up their pointy tridents.)

Ira: I see. Where there are sphinx’s, there are mermen soldiers from Atlantis.

Tonyfish: And so it shall always be. Hi, human. My name is Tonyfish.

Ira: Well my name is Blow You All Up!

(Ira reaches for his grenade launcher but before he can get it, the grenade launcher is tridented by Tonyfish)

Tonyfish: We lost one civilization that way. We will not lose another.

Ira: My apologies.

Tonyfish: Suck on your apologies. You tried to destroy us and we will now imprison you on our prison island!

Ira: Please! I’m just a famous explorer! You must understand. We thought Atlantis was lost, and we thought all mermen had been lost with it. But you live! It is a glorious miracle that you live! It’s a miracle we must seize and rejoice at! My people have so much to learn from you! Please forgive me. Teach me of your advanced technologies and let our people live together in peace as they once did.

Tonyfish: Hmmm….maybe I –

Ira: Maybe isn’t good enough. Get them, guys!

(Fifteen druids, all dressed in white gowns with pointed white caps, float down from the thunderclouds in the sky. As they gracefully land, they summon the very roots from the earth to entangle the mermen.)

Tonyfish: No!

(The druids cast “Wrath” on the entangled mermen until they are all dead)

Ira: Thanks for your help, druids of old.

Andrewd: My name is Andrewd. We had been trying to exterminate the fish people for sometime.

(A bunch of police sphinx’s suddenly show up, trying to find Trinxy’s killer.)

Police Sphinx: Will you hold it right there, Ira?!

Ira: Help me, druids!

Andrewd: No way. You’re on your own!

(the druids take travel form and run off quickly. The police sphinx’s arrest Ira and put him in a jail shaped like a question mark.)

Ira: Damn those druids! Betrayal is the cruelest mistress. That is, it is the cruelest mistress other than Ixchel, the Mayan’s aged jaguar goddess of midwifery. Alas, I wish Ixchel were here now, for only she could rescue me from the police sphinx’s and also avenge the betrayal of the druids. Unfortunately, the Mayans are a lost people and I’ll probably never meet one let alone a goddess.

Cellmate Ixchel: You are wrong, because Ira - I am Ixchel!