The ParaShootist!

Xander Citement jumps from a black subsonic jet airplane. He falls through the air and fires twin machineguns. Freeze-frame. Opening Title Hits Screen: “THE ‘PARASHOOTIST’!” End Freeze-Frame.

Xander falls toward the ground as the wind blows through his hair. Camera pans to another plane that is owned by Nazis. Nazis are jumping from the plane, but as just as they leave the plane, the bullets from Xander’s machineguns hit the grenades the Nazi’s are carrying and they soldiers blow up and also the Nazi plane blows up.

Cut to Xander Citement’s face. The considerable wind stretches his face and shows all of his teeth, and all of his gums, but he is probably smiling with a grim satisfaction.

As Xander continues to fall through the sky, we see another plane fly towards Xander. It is a biplane. While we cannot hear Xander over the screaming howl of the rushing wind, by reading his lips it is clear he knows the biplane is that of the Red Baron. Xander tries to say “oh shit.”

The Red Baron flys over Xander and shoots at him. Xander quickly contorts his body in break-dance like poses to dodge the bullets, but one of them still hits him but he was carrying medal of honor and it hits that instead. Xander, still freefalling, shoots a rocket at the Red Baron, but it is no good; the Red Baron is an expert pilot of biplane airplanes and the rocket misses. Xander then takes a special grenade out of his backpack and releases it. The grenade has a parachute and it floats through the air right into the Red Baron’s open mouth. He blows up and the explosion is in the shape of the American flag. Xander Citement gives a thumbs up.

Expanding his body to slow his fall, Xander takes a minute to enjoy the scenery. The rush he gets from a jump never gets old, and he writes as much on a notebook and shows it to the camera. Suddenly, from up above, we see someone falling through the sky, approaching Xander quickly. He tries to shoot the person, but the person is too quick. It is a woman in a jumping suit that shows stomach and cleavage. To tell Xander that she is an American ParaShootist, she takes off her clothes and they have sex right there in the sky.

Just as they finish lovemaking, the female Parashootist gets hit by a bullet and dies. Xander shouts “Noooo” but his cries are muffled by the roaring and endless howl of wind rushing by him. As the female ParaShootist’s body expands, she falls to the earth more slowly than Xander. Here, the camera gives the perception that she is being pulled away from him. Xander reaches out, but cannot touch her. She is gone. Xander wants revenge, and he knows the killer must be somewhere near. He looks around him, but sees only the blue sky and the approaching ground. He shoots his twin machine guns wildly in all directions, hoping to find the killer, but he sees nothing. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a Nazi dressed all in blue, perfectly camouflaged with the sky. It is the Blue Baron, and Xander mouths that everyone thought the man was only a myth, a story whose purpose was to scare ParaShootists in training.

In German, the Blue Baron mouths the words “I’m real and I’m here to kill you.” Xander streamlines his body and approaches the Blue Baron, determined to get revenge. “You killed the only woman I’ve ever loved,” Xander Citement tries to say, as he’s dodging bullet after bullet from the Blue Baron’s quad machine guns. Finally, Xander reaches the Blue Baron and they wrestle for a bit and then Xander puts his machine gun in the Blue Baron’s mouth and the Blue Baron tries to scream. The camera pulls away before we see Xander pull the trigger, but we do see red droplets falling through rain and we know that it is the Blue Baron’s blood.

Xander Citement thinks he is done, but then he sees a bunch of homing pigeons with proximity mines strapped to them and their flying right for him. Xander writes “F’ing Nazi birds” on his notepad before taking careful aim at the birds with his wind-resistant sniper rifle. First Xander shoots the closest homing pigeon, and even though it is far away, the explosion still sends Xander reeling through the air he was falling through. During this time, Xander loses his sniper rifle. He writes “Looks like I’ll have to do this shit the ol’ fashioned way” on his Notepad and he takes out a Colt Magnum Pistol. The homing pigeon birds and their proximity mines are still far away, and Xander misses a few times. But he’s not aiming for the closest one. He’s aiming for the homing pigeon bird in the middle. Xander’s words “The early bird gets the gun,” are drowned out by the constant whistling of the wind. Xander finally hits the bird in the middle and it explodes, but then the explosion hits all of the other birds and they explode. “Birds of a feather die together” is written on the notepad this time, and then Xander Citement does a couple of midair summersaults and jumping jacks and then we get another freeze-frame and the credits roll.