With This Ring, I Thee Dead

(Movie opens in a Secret Government Hospital. Sign on the door says "Level 99 clearance")

FBI Agent Barry Tucker: This must be a typo. It says that this patient has been in a coma for 4000 years?

FBI Doctor: That's no typo, agent Tucker. That's why this hospital is top secret. We have a patient that is at least 4000 years old.

Barry Tucker: Holy shit.

FBI Doctor: Nothing holy about it. This man, this coma patient, when we found him he was already in a coma and covered with third degree burns. Some of the worst burns I've ever seen.
He was completely disfigured but the thing is, the strange thing is, our experts say that even before he was burned he probably looked pretty freakish. Our super computers show that he was short, that he had huge, moon-like eyes, and thin arms, and powerful hands and feet.

Barry Tucker: Any signs of how he was burned?

FBI Doctor: None. He was lying all alone on the cliff of a terrible ex-volcano. He was completely naked, with the exception of this one ring he held clutched in his hand. Even now, 4000 years later, we have been unable to pry the ring from his hand. AND WE WANTS IT SO BAD!

Barry Tucker: Whoa! Calm down there, doctor!

FBI Doctor: You're right, you're right. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Barry Tucker: It sure would be amazing if this coma patient woke up. He could tell us all about what life was like back then.

FBI Doctor: Funny you should say that. He's going to be waking up today.

Barry Tucker: How can you know that.

FBI Doctor: Well you know how weathermen can predict the weather? Well in top secret government hospitals, we have the ability to predict when a coma patient will wake up after 4000 years.

Barry Tucker: I can't fucking believe it.

FBI Doctor: It's your tax dollars at work, bro.


Later:

FBI Doctor: I don't get it! He should have woken up by now!

Barry Tucker: There's that ring you were telling me about. What a precious ring. I wonder if I can get it.

(Agent Barry Tucker tries to pry the ring from the coma patient's hand, and actually manages to do so. This is the payoff for a pre-established shot that showed that he has very, very strong hands.

Barry Tucker: I've got it!

(Agent Barry Tucker puts the ring on his finger and suddenly disappears. The medical equipment reads "Coma Over" and we see the patient start to twitch.)

Coma Patient: MYS PRECIOUS!

(Coma Patient jumps out of bed. Audience registers shock as they realize that the coma patient was in fact Gollum from Lord of the Rings)

Gollum: I's wills finds mys precious!

(Gollum jumps up on the FBI Doctor and bites his throat off. He then takes the doctor's sidearm pistol. There is a funny scene where Gollum is trying to figure out how to get the pistol to work and he accidentally shoots the dead FBI Doctor a bunch of times)

Gollum: I's has founds a bams-bams! I's wills uses thiss bams-bams to gets mys precious!

(Gollum sneaks his way out of the secret government hospital, stopping only to shoot security officers in the head with his new gun. He eats one of the security guards. As Gollum is eating the guard, we see through Agent Barry Tucker's eyes. He's invisible, and he's right next to Gollum! Terrified, Agent Barry Tucker runs out of the hospital. Gollum hears him and follows.)

Gollum: What's is these carriages? I's wills gets in ones and finds mys ways to mys precious.

(Gollum gets in a taxi cab and drives off. Agent Barry Tucker takes off his ring and is right by where Gollum was when he left)

Barry Tucker: When I had this ring on, nobody could see me! Except...except I felt like someone was looking for me, searching for me, and I don't just mean that Gollum guy. And now Gollum is searching for me and I just know if he finds me he'll bite my throat off. I'm totally fucked.

(Agent Barry Tucker, inconsolable, goes to the ports. He sees an old fashioned ship coming in)

Barry Tucker: What's this!?

(An old man in a pointed hat, some people with long hair and pointed ears, and two very short dudes with hairy feet get off the boat.)

Gandalf: So this is the city.

Frodo: Yes Gandalf. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

(Gandalf, Frodo, and the others walk up to Agent Barry Tucker)

Gandalf: You're Agent Barry Tucker. Do you have the ring?

Barry Tucker: I do. Who are you?

Gandalf: I'm Gandalf. This is Frodo and Bilbo and some elves. We've come to destroy the ring.

Barry Tucker: IT'S MINE! IT'S MY PRECIOUS!

Gandalf: Calm down, you fool!

(Gandalf clobs Barry Tucker with his staff.)

Barry Tucker: Take it, take it. It's brought me nothing but misery.

(Bilbo and Gandalf both reach greedily for the ring. Gandalf hits both of them over the head with his staff. Bilbo does not get up.)

Gandalf: No one can take it. It's power is too great, too evil. However, me, Frodo, and some elves will help you destroy it.

Barry Tucker: Destroy it? How?

Gandalf: We thought lava would destroy it. We were wrong. No, this ring can only be destroyed by the one who made it. We must find Sauron's skeletal hand, place a magic hammer in it, and use the skeletal hand to destroy the ring. It will not be easy. His skeletal hand will be guarded. By terrorists.

Barry Tucker: This is what I've spent my life training for.

Gandalf and Frodo together: COME THEN! OUR ADVENTURE BEGINS!