(SCENE: A laboratory. A scientist looks up from a very large microscope)
Scientist: Everyone said there was no such thing as mammoth DNA. Well now I know that they were wrong. I found it. What is more (laughs a deep belly laugh) I’ve cloned it!
(A caged Mammoth growls ferociously as a strobe light flashes)
Scientist: Fuck. I don’t even know if the world is ready.
(SCENE: NASCAR official board room. A large meeting is in progress. Jake addresses the board members.)
Jake: Okay. Let’s cut to the chase. As you all know, NASCAR ratings are down. What was once the fastest growing sport is turning into yesterday’s news. Listen. You know what happens to yesterday’s news? People put it underneath their pet birds so the birds can shit on it. Birds shit on yesterday’s news.
(Nods of agreement from board members)
Jake: So we’ve done the polls. And what didn’t make sense is that the fans weren’t tired of the racing aspect at all. Not at all. They fuckin’ love that part about NASCAR. No, what the fans are tired of is the same old cars. Aside from the endorsements, they all look the same.
(Using PowerPoint, Jake shows two different NASCAR cars. Except they look the same.)
Jake: Do you hear me yet!!? DO YOU HEAR ME?! Because here it fucking is. It’s right there. It’s right in front of your noses! The fans want something different! They want something different and if they don’t get it from us they’re going to get it from someone else.
(The board murmurs shocked agreement)
Jake: Okay, so here are the facts, here’s what you know. You know that we’re losing fans. And, what is more, you know why. You know that fans are tired of the same old NASCAAR cars! But I’ve got a secret. I’ve got something you don’t know. And ladies and gentleman of the board, this thing is going to save your sorry asses and Dan I’m talking to you!
(Dan looks up, relieved)
Jake: I have a friend, ladies and gentleman. I have a scientist friend. This friend, we’ll call him “Scientist X1182,” has cloned an animal that was only rumored to exist. He has cloned a Mammoth. It is like an elephant except it is bigger and is hairy and MUCH more ferocious.
Dan: Jake, what are you saying?
Jake: (chuckling at the simplicity of it all) Don’t you see? It’s so simple! We’ll race Mammoths instead of cars!
(SCENE: Mike’s NASCAR Driver’s College. Sam, the top of his class, wins a class race in a NASCAR car.)
Professor: That was some driving, Sam. You’re the best I’ve seen in decades.
Sam: I have to be. I have to be to save my grandma.
Professor: Yeah.
(The Professor is handed a letter)
Professor: What? What? No, this can’t be!
Sam: What is it, Professor?
Professor: It’s the NASCAR cars, Sam. They’re not gonna use them anymore. I don’t understand it.
Sam: They’re cancelling NASCAR?!
Professor: No, Sam. Just the cars. NASCAR will still be here. It’s just….they’re going to use mammoths instead of cars.
Sam: It’s got to be some sort of mistake, Professor. Mammoths aren’t even real!
Professor: Well now they are, Sam. And if you still want to do NASCAR to save your grandma, you’re going to have to learn how to ride one.
Sam: Does life ever get any easier, Professor?
Professor: No.
What follows are scenes of Sam showing up late to the mammoth line and getting stuck with the scrawniest, most irksome mammoth there is. Sam is allergic to mammoths, and Sam’s mammoth is allergic to Sam, so roughly half of the remaining dialogue is interrupted by constant mammoth and human sneezing/wheezing. Sam has a lot of trouble controlling his sneezy mammoth and keeps coming in last place in the NASCAR practice races. When NASCAR implements NASCAR mammoth racing on the televised races, at first the NASCAR crowd doesn’t like it. Mammoths are kind of like elephants and they’re not super fast like the NASCAR cars were. But then in one race a NASCAR mammoths fights with one of the other NASCAR mammoths and gets gored with a tusk through its skull. The mixture of speed, blood, and mammoths proves too much to resist. As Sam’s relationship with his small mammoth strengthens, he starts to do better in races. Slowly, he becomes the point leader. Then, about halfway through the season, Sam’s dying grandmother gets trampled by a drunken civilian mammoth rider. No longer motivated to win and no longer trusting of mammoths, Sam begins beating his mammoth, crying in anger through sneezing, wheezing, and red itchy eyes. His trust with his mammoth is broken, and Sam begins losing races and is also gored slightly. But then, after talking to his old NASCAR professor, Sam realizes that now he needs to win mammoth NASCAR races to save his grandpa. The grudge-bearing mammoth is put down, and once again Sam has to develop a relationship with a new mammoth. This time, it is even harder. They are even more allergic to one another, and now Sam is mammoth racist. But can Sam save his grandpa? It will be a matter of willpower, resolve, and super intense and bloody mammoth NASCAR racing. Not everyone will survive.
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