The Future of Boxing

(VIC HAMMERSTEIN is a professional boxer who just can’t win a fight. One day while training, he is jumping rope. The rope twirls faster and faster, and Vic jumps faster and faster until it looks like he is hovering above the ground. You can’t even see the jump rope because it is going so really fast. Vic is working very hard to do this, and from inside the jump rope, we see him sweating profusely. From outside the jump rope, however, it is as if time has stopped. Vic is moving the jump rope so fast that he is traveling forwards through time. Finally, VIC HAMMERSTEIN stops jump roping.)

Vic: Phew. I have never jumped rope that fast in my life before.

Wizened Old Man: Nobody has. Ever.

Vic: What?! Who are you! When did you get here!

Wizened Old Man: I am your son!

Vic: My son? But how could that be! You were only 4 when I started jump roping. You are like 80 now.

Wizened Old Man: Dad, you’ve been jump roping for a very, very long time.

Vic: But to me it felt like just a few minutes!

Wizened Old Man: That is so very weird.

Vic: What do I do now?

Wizened Old Man: You box. You are a boxer.

Vic: I was a boxer, son. But I wasn’t a good boxer. I’ve never won a fight.

Wizened Old Man: Maybe not. The boxers are very, very old now. You, on the other hand, are still young and strong.

Vic: You’re right! I wasn’t thinking in the 4^th dimension!

Wizened Old Man: This is the future. Get used to it, Dad.

(An alien walks through the door. It is blue and has 5 perfect breasts)

Vic: How do I set up a fight?

Wizened Old Man: Dad. It’s the future. The fights set up you!

Vic: What do you mean?

(In the background there is a 3D hologram that is a videogame and the videogame is Sun Blazer Extra-eme 20. Nearby teenagers are playing it with their mind.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see. You have a lot to learn.

Vic: Son?

Wizened Old Man: Yeah, Pops?

Vic: Whatever…whatever happened to my wife? What happened to your mom?

(A pizza suddenly appears out of thin air as does a holographic receipt saying that The Wizened Old Man’s credit-mind has been charged $399.99.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see soon enough. You’ll have to fight her. You see dad, Mommy’s the heavyweight champion of the world.

Vic: So. She decided to box. She always said I was holding her down. I guess she was right.

(Vic Hammerstein and the Wizened Old Man enter a trance-state as they are forced to day-dream a life commercial about Piranha Buger Palace)

Wizened Old Man: I’m not going to lie to you dad: She’s good. She’s very, very old, but she’s used every minute since your disappearance to study boxing.

Vic: But I can’t hit my wife!

Wizened Old Man: You’re going to have to. If you want to win.

(In the background someone is about to leave so he takes out a mini-black hole from his wallet, places it on the floor, and steps through it to go to Beijing.)