Lion vs. Pony

Raquel is a 15 year-old girl from a middle-class family. She’s wanted a pony for as long as she can remember. When her family finally gets her one, she can’t believe it. She names the Pony Darius, and even though the pony is a lot of work, she takes care of it all by herself. She feeds it, she grooms it, she empties its stall, and she takes it out every day after school.

One day, as Raquel is walking Darius - a lion. Raquel injures herself saving Darius from the lion, and when she wakes up, Darius is talking to her. Yes, her pony is talking to her.

Darius: Raquel, you have saved my life, risking yours in doing so.

Raquel: Darius? You can talk? But you’re a pony!

Darius: I am no ordinary pony, Raquel. I am the King Pony.

Raquel: King Pony?

Darius: Yes. But I am in hiding. That lion that attacked us was after me.

Raquel: But why, King Pony? Why would anyone want to hurt you?

Darius: Politics, Raquel. Politics. The lions are at war with the ponies.

Raquel: Then I will fight with the ponies!

Darius: Oh Raquel. You are young and yet there is so much you do not know!

Raquel: Still, I will die for the ponies.

Darius: Come then. I will emerge from hiding and stand tall against the lion threat. And you Raquel, will be Queen Pony!

Raquel: But where do we go, Darius!

Darius: To my kingdom! Hop on!

But when Darius and Raquel gallop towards Darius’ kingdom, a pack of lions blocks them off. The pack of lions quickly circles them and then one of the lions leaps through the air and knocks Raquel off of Darius. Darius, spooked, runs and leaps over the lions. The lions give chase, but Darius outruns them. Meanwhile, a lion helps Raquel off the ground.

Raquel: Kill me if you must, lions, but you’ll never win. The ponies have “right” on their side!

Lion Leader: Girl, what are you talking about?

Raquel: The war! You’ll never win the war with the ponies!

Lion Leader: We’re not at war with the ponies. That’s ridiculous.

Raquel: But King Pony said…

Lion Leader: Girl, I’m afraid you’ve been fooled.

Raquel: What do you mean?

Lion Leader: Did “King Pony”…did he ask you anything?

Raquel: What?

Lion Leader: Did he make any advances towards you?

Raquel: No! He’s my friend! He was going to make me Queen Pony!

Lion Leader: Mmm-hmmm. There it is…

Raquel: But you don’t mean…!.

Lion Leader: We’re afraid so. Girl, this is not his first offense. This pony has been around a long time. He was supposed to register when he came into your area

Raquel: This is just awful!

Lion Leader: It is. We were trying to protect you.

Raquel: That bastard pony! I took such good care of him and the whole time he… he wanted to…(shivers) What can I do? I want to help catch him.

Lion Leader: Are you sure? Of course, we can protect you if you help, but we’ll understand if it’s too much for you.

Raquel: I’m sure. Let’s put him out to pasture.

The lions work with Raquel and together they devise a plan. Raquel calls Darius and tells them she escaped the lions and that she still wants to be Queen Pony. Darius is suspicious of what she knows, but Raquel works hard to convince him. Eventually, they devise a plan to meet at Raquel’s house. The lions hide around the house and load Raquel up with recording equipment. However, Darius proves more ruthless than anyone had expected. Darius sneaks up behind two lions and breaks their necks. In an act involving smoke, confusions, and explosions, Darius is kidnaps Raquel. But Ryu, the lion leader, is able to escape Darius, and secretly tracks Darius. In the end, Ryu is able to save Raquel by biting off Darius’s throat and feasting on him. It is the animal way.

Raquel: You saved me, Ryu. What’s more, you stopped a very sick pony. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

Ryu: (looking up from the corpse of Darius) We did it!

Take The Wall Down

Earth’s galaxy, the Milky Way, travels through space 373 miles a second. That’s 1,342,800 miles an hour, a very unsafe speed by anyone’s standards. For millions of years, the people of Earth have lived every day unaware of the danger surrounding them. December 12^th, 2008, all of that changed.

Scene: A cabin in the woods. Amateur astronomer Corbin Mantruck is looking through his telescope

Corbin Mantruck: Will you look at that! That star just went supernova! Beautiful! It’s lighting up the sky! Wait…What the…?

(Corbin peers closer through his telescope)

Corbin Mantruck: Oh Lord! We’ve all been fools! The supernova is shedding light on an otherwise dark area of space! It wouldn’t be a problem at all except…except I can see the wall at the end of the universe!

(Corbin does some quick calculations. He stares and them in disbelief and then does them again, this time very, very slowly. He gets the same answer)

Corbin Mantruck: The Earth. We’re headed straight for the Universe’s wall. And by studying the Doppler Effect and wavelengths, it looks like we’re headed straight for the wall, traveling at…no…wait….I must make sure…

(Corbin once more checks his figures, going through each item line by line. Once again, he arrives at the same, unbelievable answer)

Corbin Mantruck: We’re doomed. We’re heading towards the Universe’s wall at 1,342,800 miles an hour. At that rate, when we hit it we’ll be flattened like a pancake. I’ve…I’ve got to tell someone. At this rate we’ll crash into the wall in four days!

Scene: The Pentagon. 5-star general Steel Delivery answers a red telephone

Gen Steel Delivery: Hello?

Corbin Mantruck: General Steel Delivery? This is Corbin Mantruck, amateur astronomer and ex-Navy Seal.

Gen. Steel Delivery: How did you get this number, Mantruck?

Corbin Mantruck: That’s not important, sir. We don’t have time for that.

Gen: Steel Delivery: Go on, son.

Corbin Mantruck: I’ll get right to the point. The universe has a wall and we’re headed straight for it. If we don’t figure out a solution, we’ll crash into it in four days.

Gen. Steel Delivery: So?

Corbin Mantruck: You’re a General, General Steel Delivery, so please understand that what I say next is with all the restraint I can muster. We will CRASH INTO THE UNIVERSE’S WALL AT 1,342,800 MILES AN HOUR!!!

Gen. Steel Delivery: Good God.

Corbin Mantruck: You see the danger.

Gen. Steel Delivery: I do. We’ll all be killed….

Corbin Mantruck: Exactly. There are no Americans now, Gen. Steel Delivery. There are no Russians or Africans or Arabs of Chinese. There are only Earthlings. We’re all in this together.

Gen. Steel Delivery: You’re right. Of course you’re right. And I see your point. If we’re going to blow up the Universe’s Wall, we’re going to need to the resources of the entire world.

Corbin Mantruck: Glad we’re on the same page.

Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m going to call the president. We need to assemble a team of world leaders. It’s crunch time. And Corbin Mantruck? I want you here, on our team. You discovered this problem and your voice has earned the right to be heard.

Corbin Mantruck: Thank you, Gen. Steel Delivery. Now, to blow up the Universe’s wall. I assume we have some sort of new super bomb that nobody knows about?

Gen. Steel Delivery: That would be classified information, Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck: Don’t jerk me around, General Steel Delivery! Am I a part of this team or aren’t I?!

Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m sorry, son. But I just can’t reveal classified information.

Corbin Mantruck: Damn it! This red tape is why I quit my job as a Navy Seal lab-scientist! You know what? Screw it, Gen. Steel Delivery. I’m out. You work with your world team on blowing up the Universe’s Wall, and I’ll work with mine.

Gen. Steel Delivery: There’s no way you can beat us, son. We’ll have the world’s top scientists at our disposal.

Corbin Mantruck: We’ll see. If you’ll excuse me, General, I need to hang up. There are some calls I need to make.

(Corbin hangs up the phone)

Corbin Mantruck: Bastards! They’re gonna do whatever they can to stop me!

(Corbin throws a wine glass against the wall)

Corbin Mantruck: Well, looks like it’s time to call in a few favors from my frat brothers. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother is a brother for life. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother helps a brother in need. Let’s hope that’s true. First call? Harry Hangover Dirtsen. Let’s see what he’s up to.

Another Man's Treasure

Hyatt: I looked through the garbage outside of my house every week for one year. This is my story.

(Credits)

Hyatt: In the first week there were a lot of pop cans, some leftover pasta that had obviously gone bad, some Kleenex, an empty bottle of wine, some broken-down boxes, and some other things I didn’t write down.

(Hyatt shows pictures of first week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The second week had a lot of those things too, but it also had a beat-up t-shirt, an empty can of hair spray, some old meat, some bad cottage cheese, and an old puzzle.

(Hyatt shows pictures of second week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The third week I found some toenail clippings, and empty Listerine bottle, some used TV dinner containers, some bad fruit, some papers, torn up mail, and an empty milk carton.

(Hyatt shows pictures of third week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The fourth week there wasn’t a lot of garbage. But as you can see there was still some pop cans and an old painting with a cracked frame

(Hyatt shows pictures of fourth week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The fifth week made up for the light fourth week. There was a lot of garbage. There were some out-of-focus photo’s, a broken dinner plate, used-napkins, more bad meat, some used cleaning product containers, some burned cd’s, torn-up mail, and some cans for pasta. There was also additional garbage I did not feel the need to mention.

(Hyatt shows pictures of fifth week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The sixth week was almost the same as week three. See?

(Hyatt shows pictures of week six’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week seven? Not a lot to talk about here.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week seven’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week eight. The week of empty cans. Pasta sauce cans, more pop cans, an empty can of olives, and four cans of tuna. Lots of cans. There was also used napkins and leftover food.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week eight’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week nine had some cans too, but if you’re a fan of the cans it doesn’t get any better than week eight.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week nine’s garbage)

Hyatt: During week ten they threw away some socks with a hole in them. These socks might have been worn with the shoes that will get thrown away in week 21. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week ten’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week eleven. Not a very interesting week, and there were some problems with my camera so I don’t have any pictures. I think there was a stained towel during this week, but I don’t really remember. Trust me - no big loss to not have the pictures for week eleven.

Hyatt: Week twelve was okay. More coffee grinds than usual during this week. The coffee’s nice because it takes away a lot of the stench of the rotting food. Really, these pictures show a lot, but you don’t really get a sense of the smell. Maybe someday someone will invent a device that records smells.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week twelve’s garbage)

Hyatt: You’ll notice the remains of a roast chicken in week thirteen. Also a McDonald’s bag and a few leftover fries.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week thirteen’s garbage and then drinks some water)

Hyatt: A pizza box for week fourteen. Personally, I love pizza, and I order it more than once every fourteen weeks. You’ll notice in one of the pictures that there is still some cheese stuck to the cardboard. This week also features an empty 2-liter bottle of soda.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week fourteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week fifteen. Not my favorite week.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week fifteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week sixteen was a garbage extravaganza. Lots of wrapping paper, boxes, and clothes tags. Also, at least two bowls of uneaten spaghetti, and plus some of those Chinese boxes they use for carry-out.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week sixteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: The garbage of week seventeen included was back to basics. You’ll note the now routine torn-up junk mail, the various empty cans of vegetables, the coffee grinds, the leftover food, etc.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week seventeen’s garbage)

Hyatt: The eighteenth week! Not too terribly much here, actually. More of the same.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week eighteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week nineteen had a bunch of VHS tapes thrown into the mix. The Hunt For Red October, you’ll notice, is covered in what may be bacon fat.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week nineteen’s garbage)

Property Values U

Tony Gorgotron is a high school senior whose love of basketball is matched only by his lack of basketball talent. He’s the joke of his school’s basketball team, and he never gets to play. His only friends are the school nerd Wedgie and his childhood friend Myrna who is hot but has glasses and doesn’t wear makeup. Every day Tony lusts after the prettiest girl in school who is also the head cheerleader and also the basketball captain’s gf. Her name is Dina Daakenpants and everybody calls her Double D because they’re in high school.

Tony is sad because he’s so bad at basketball and he knows that if he were good at basketball then he wouldn’t have any problems. Tony…has a lot to learn.

At the very end of the film, Tony turns 18. To celebrate he has a party at an outdoor basketball court. The bad news is that only Wedgie and Myrna come and they don’t even like basketball! To make matters worse, it starts raining. Tony gets angry and sends Wedgie and Myrna home. Depressed, he takes solace in a solo game of crybaby hoops. He misses every shot and it’s so pathetic that Tony takes the rain-soaked basketball and sits in the middle of the wet basketball court, crying. Yes, it is then he is struck by lightning. The screen goes black.

When Tony wakes up he is in the hospital. The doctors tell him he is fine and that other than the mysterious “B”-shaped scar on his forehead, they can’t even tell he was struck by lightning. Tony goes home and starts playing basketball, hoping that the lightning gave him a magical skill in basketball. He shoots from the free throw line. It misses and Tony’s heart sinks. But then what is weird is that the Basketball responds to Tony’s mind and lifts up from the ground by itself and goes through the hoop!

Tony can’t believe it except that he expected it. He tries to move other things with his mind, such as a baseball, a pop can, and in one funny scene, a girl’s bra, but it’s no use. It looks like Tony can only move basketballs with his mind!

Still, this ability makes Tony the star of the basketball team immediately. Nobody can believe it. Tony shoots the ball from wherever he is on the court, puts his fingers up to his temples and squints his eyes, and just like that, the basketball goes into the hoop.

Tony becomes an overnight hero and soon doesn’t have time for Wedgie or Myrna. He only hangs with the cool kids now.

But at the same time, a crime wave is happening around town. A mysterious burglar is going from house to house stealing everybody’s things. The burglaries are done so well that the police are scared and refuse to do anything about them. With a burglar given free reign, property values PLUMMET. This is a huge problem for the community, as explained in the majority of the movie. What can be done?

Tony, when not controlling the basketball with his mind and giving his team a shot at the state basketball title, enjoys mystery books. He’s long considered himself an amateur detective. Still, it isn’t until he’s writing a report on basketball that Tony thinks he has a chance at finding the burglar.

While writing his report entitled “Basketball!,” Tony Gorgotron discovers that just as he had always expected, he can not only control Basketballs, but he can control anything with the word “Basketball” on it! With this newfound power, Tony can track down the burglar, catch him, and become even more popular.

In the daytime Tony wins basketball games and eats lunch with the cool people. But in the nighttime, he listens to a police scanner and stakes out houses he thinks the burglar might burgle. Also, Tony writes the word “Basketball” on everything he can get his hands on and he makes them levitate and twirl around some.

While staking out a house, Tony falls asleep for two minutes. When he wakes up, he realizes that the house he’s watching is being burgled! Tony quickly writes “Basketball” on his hand and flies over to the house.

Tony can’t believe his eyes. Burgling the house is the very same lightning that gave him his powers! It doesn’t make any sense! He tries to stop the lighting by writing “Basketball” on things and mind-throwing them at the lightning, but the lightning dodges everything that Tony mind-throws. Branches of electricity shoot into Tony, while other branches of electricity continue to steal things. Soon the electricity is too much for Tony, and he once again blacks out.

Through The Mouth's Portal

One day Ginny wakes up and whenever she opens her mouth, right behind her teeth there’s a portal to another dimension. This dimension is very similar to our dimension, except in the Ginny’s mouth dimension the Nazi’s won World War II(!). One night, while Ginny is snoring with her mouth open (and thus opening the portal to the other dimension), a soldier from Ginny’s alternate mouth dimension finds the portal and pleads for Ginny’s help. The soldier is part of an underground resistance that is not nearly as anti-Semitic as the Nazi’s. The movement is attempting to overthrow the Nazi government, but needs help. They need plans for a nuclear bomb, something that was not invented in his alternate dimension.

Ginny works on finding out how to make a nuclear bomb while the soldier’s situation becomes more and more desperate. When she finally finds the plans and opens her mouth and puts them through her mouth portal, the soldier is dismayed because he doesn’t have access to some of the nuclear bomb ingredients. Ginny agrees to help him find these too. But time is short for Ginny. With the portal opening in her mouth, she is unable to eat as all the food she consumes goes into the mouth dimension rather than her stomach. She’s wasting away, hungrier and thirstier than we can possibly imagine.

Meanwhile, the soldier and Ginny start to fall in love. As he shouts his proclamation of love through Ginny’s mouth’s portal hole, Ginny weeps because not only is she hungry and thirsty and having a hard time finding the radioactive ingredients she needs to shove into her mouth/portal, but she’s also in love with the soldier and she knows they can never truly be together because he can’t fit through her mouth.

Close to dying of dehydration, Ginny finds the needed parts of the nuclear bomb and she’s able to swallow them into her mouth portal. But getting them has attracted the attention of the FBI, and she doesn’t have the strength to resist capture. As Ginny is taken away, the soldier from the alternate dimension hands off the bomb blueprints to the underground resistance leaders.

In FBI captivity Ginny is hooked up to an IV and saved from dehydration. Meanwhile, in Ginny’s mouth portal’s alternate dimension, the underground resistance completes the construction of the nuclear bomb. The soldier tells Ginny that the bomb has been deployed on Hitler City, and that it has sparked up a worldwide revolution against the Nazi empire. The Nazi problem has been solved, but what of the problem of their love and the mouth portal and Ginny being in prison?

Ginny tells her FBI guard that she has a sore throat. But when he comes up to examine it, she opens her mouth and through her mouth portal the soldier shoots the FBI guard in the brain. Ginny quickly takes the guard’s keys, grabs her IV bag, and hightails it on out of there. Running with her mouth open, the soldier shoots everyone that gets in her way. Soon she has her freedom, but what about her love?

Ginny is a hero in her mouth portal’s dimension, but she’s a killer skirt in her own. Ginny and the soldier decide that they can make it work though, and they both high a minister to marry them. Ginny puts her hand down her throat and into the other dimension and the soldier puts a ring on it. The soldier puts his hand through the portal and though Ginny gags, she is able to put a ring on his finger as well. The two are married, though they can never be truly together. And though the wedding is bittersweet, the couple is happy. Together, Ginny and the Soldier have overcome so much.

But nobody can hide forever. And simultaneously the Nazi’s find the soldier and the FBI find Ginny. Both Ginny and the soldier are gunned down, and they die together, the soldier with his hand through the portal, and Ginny with her hand down her throat. The screen goes black and the words “And so the movie is a tragedy” fade in and then out of the screen. Credits.

Cupid's Needle

Terrence: This is bad, guys. So much for narcotics anonymous.

Bob: Yeah… This fucking heroin…We’re so weak… But it feels good for now.

Eugene: I know. We’re all so high right now. Our second relapse and we’re all only 18…

All: Shit…

Bob: Hey, everybody. Let’s make a pact right now.

Terrence: What is it, Bob?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob?

Bob: Yeah, sorry. I’m just…I’m just high. I was talking about something? Oh…we need to make a pact. Guys, we all need to lose our virginity by the end of the summer.

Eugene: Come on, Bob! We’re all heroin addicts. What chick is gonna want to do us?

Bob: Well we don’t have to tell them about the heroin, Eugene! We can hide it.

Terrence: Dude, we can’t hide these track marks.

Bob: We’ll figure out a way.

Terrence: Well, I do want to get laid.

Eugene: Me too.

Bob: Well let’s do it then. We’ve got till the end of the summer. That gives us 4 months. Let’s work out a plan. But first let’s go score some more H.

SCENE: Lover's Point

Bob: You’re outshining every star in that sky, Tina.

Tina: Wow. That’s umm…that’s pretty cheesy, Bob. But… thanks. It’s sweet too.

Bob: Tina, we’ve been dating, a little while now, right?

Tina: Yeah, we have. And I think I know where this is going. And I’m ready, Bob. I’m ready.

(Tina turns her back and begins disrobing. But, just as she does, we notice Bob get hit with severe heroin withdrawal symptoms. He desperately tries to hide these symptoms from Tina. He starts sweating profusely, itching everywhere, and his muscles cramp up. We hear his bowels gurgling in a noisy attempt to relieve themselves. He is in severe discomfort. Tina, now naked, turns around.)

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. All of them have just finished shooting up.

Terrence: And then?

Bob: And then I puked on her.

Terrence: No!

Bob: I did. And then I shit myself.

Terrence: Woah. The one-zy two-zy! What’d she say?

Bob: Beats me. I didn’t give her a chance to say anything. I stole her purse and called our dealer. I used her credit card to score H.

Eugene: Man. Getting laid is gonna be harder than we thought.

Bob: I know it.

Terrence: Well, I’m up next. I’ve got a date with Gisele tomorrow night. But I’m not gonna have Bob’s problems because I’m just gonna shoot up when she’s not looking.

Eugene: Well good luck with that!

Terrence: Whatever. I won’t need any luck. This girl wants me, man! It’s happening tonight. I can feel it. Of course, that might just be the heroin. It…it just feels so good.

SCENE: A romantic French restaurant

Gisele: You know, Terrence, this restaurant is really nice.

Terrence: I’m glad you think so.

Gisele: Yeah. And you know what else?

Terrence: What?

Gisele: You’re getting lucky tonight.

Terrence: Really?

Gisele: Yeah. In fact, I don’t know if I can wait through dinner. What do you say I go powder my nose and then we head back to my place?

Terrence: I knew it!

Gisele: What’s that?

Terrence: I said, “Let’s do it!”

Gisele: Oh. We will. Hold on, Terrence. I’ll be right back.

(Gisele goes to the bathroom. Benny Hill music starts playing as Terrence immediately breaks out a small bag of heroin and frantically pours it into his soup spoon. He then takes the spoon and holds it over one of the restaurant’s romantic candles. As the heroin begins to liquefy, Terrence realizes that he needs to get a vein ready. He holds the spoon in his mouth. One arm clenches and squeezes to find a vein while the arm ties the surgical tube. A vein starts to appear, but just as it does, Terrence comically starts to burn his mouth from the heated up spoon. His mouth still has the spoon handle in it, but he’s crying out in anguish, trying to hold it without his lips touching. Gisele can return at any moment, and his eyes hurriedly dart from his vein to the girl’s bathroom. Of course, when he burned his mouth, the other restaurant patrons started to notice him, as it’s obvious he’s trying to shoot up. One old rich couple calls the police. Completely unaware that others have noticed, he fills his needle with heroin and injects it into his vein. His head rolls back as the drug kicks in. Just then, Gisele emerges from the bathroom and sees Terrence with the heroin needle still sticking out of his arm.)

Gisele: You told me those track marks were from donating blood!

Terrence: …

Gisele: Terrence?!!

(Terrence opens his eyes and sees Gisele. A lazy smile forms on his burnt mouth)

Terrence: …insulin?…

Gisele: Insulin or Heroin?

Terrence: …Oh…heroin, definitely.

SCENE: Two hours later. Bob’s attic with Bob, Terrance, and Eugene. Again, all of them have just finished shooting up. Terrance is badly burned and bleeding.

Eugene: She caught you? Rough. But how’d you get the burn marks?

Terrence: She picked up one the romantic candles and started beating me with it. I was so high I didn’t realize I was on fire for a little while. When I did I picked up a bottle of wine and doused myself with it.

Eugene: And the cuts?

Terrence: The police showed up and I jumped out the window. And it’s a good thing this heroin is here. No pain, man. ….shit….

Eugene: Bob, you caught on fire once, right?

Bob: …

Terrence: Bob, you okay, man?

Bob: …

Eugene: Oh man. Dude…I think he just O.D.’d!

Terrence: Fuck. Fuck, man! I am way too high to deal with this. Let’s just…let’s dump him at the hospital before he dies!

(The Benny Hill music starts playing again as the two junkies try to pick up Bob to take him to the hospital. Terrence has a hard time holding him as his arms are so badly burned.)

Eugene: We’re never gonna get laid this way!

Terrence: Not with that attitude! Be confident, dude! The summer ain’t over yet!

Shakespeare's Apprentice

William Shakespeare is a successful playwright living in old London. He’s smart, he’s funny, and he’s got the world at his fingertips. He’s the Stephen King of his day and everyone wants to be him. So what does he do? He gives someone a chance. In what many deem as a medieval publicity stunt, Shakespeare announces that he will pick someone to be his apprentice. Everyone in London is eligible, and wherever Shakespeare goes, people try to stand out. However, Shakespeare soon proves remarkably picky about whom he will take on.

Then, one day at the local fishmarket, Shakespeare sees Corbin Mantruck. He’s dirty, he’s poor, and he speaks in iambic pentameter. He’s perfect. Shakespeare has found his apprentice. Shakespeare makes Corbin Mantruck bathe, take that hat off, and then he begins to teach him the ways of the playwright.

It’s a huge surprise when we find that Corbin is an exceptional apprentice playwright. He soon begins writing plays that Shakespeare could only dream of writing. Though Mantruck’s plays aren’t in iambic pentameter, Shakespeare is stunned to see that they are, in fact, in diambic decameter and triambic pentakaidecameter. Corbin’s plays are so good that only William Shakespeare is able to appreciate them fully. It’s Good Will Hunting all over again.

But Shakespeare has grown used to wealth, celebrity, and velvet clothes. He’s long been known as the greatest playwright that ever lived and now he’s scared to give it up. And while Corbin Mantruck locks himself up in a room and continues writing plays, Shakespeare puts on Mantruck’s plays as if they were his own.

England loves the new plays and all the shows sell out except the first one. Shakespeare becomes even more famous and wealthy as the new plays have even more explosions, nudity, and swears, all of which leave audiences gasping for more.

Shakespeare knows he’s living a lie though, and his fame becomes empty and his riches become worthless. And boy does he start drinking. Though he receives Tony award after Tony award for Mantruck’s plays, they are just constant reminders of how fucking great Corbin Mantruck really is. In one stunning scene, after a Tony Awards, a jealous and drunken Shakespeare intrudes on the reclusive Mantruck. Shakespeare tells Mantruck that all of Mantruck’s plays have been garbage. Garbage! Amazingly, Mantruck agrees with Shakespeare, (!) but he tells him that the one he is writing now is his masterpiece. His masterpiece!

Shakespeare reads the first draft of Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece and it blows his boots off it’s so good. Ashamed and crying, Shakespeare gets on his knees and confesses his plagerism crimes to Corbin Mantruck. What can he do? he pleads, What can he do to make it up to Corbin Mantruck? Mantruck tells Shakespeare that the only way he can make it up is to win London’s annual marathon race and donate the £500,000 prize to the local fish market.

Shakespeare can’t do it alone. His drinking problem has made him overweight and out-of-shape and he’s in no condition to run a marathon. Fortunately, Corbin Mantruck has an idea. He quickly sets to work writing a new play, a play where Shakespeare is the star. In the play, Shakespeare’s character does warm ups, jumps rope, eats healthy, and quits drinking. To rehearse for the play, Shakespeare does all these things. Soon he has abs of steel and he’s very in shape. It’s a true testament to Corbin Mantruck’s playwrighting ability.

On the day of the big race, both Shakespeare and Mantruck line up as contestants. They’re longshots because they’re up against known cheaters Christopher Marlowe, Francis Bacon, Barry Allen, and Edward de Vere, all of whom are dressed solely in black 15^th century running gear.

The race starts and sure enough, Marlowe puts tranquilizers in Shakespeare’s water, Bacon cuts Shakespeare’s Achilles’ heel, Allen uses his powers, and de Vere uses his roller-skate shoes. It’s looking bad for Shakespeare, and he’s upset because he really wants win the money for the fish market so he can make up his plagiarism crimes to Corbin Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck, expecting these troubles, is quick to react. In no time at all he writes another script in which Marlowe, Bacon, Allen, and de Vere all die before completing the race. Quickly, Mantruck passes out the screenplay to each of the four cheaters. Soon they are all dead, and Mantruck’s only problem now is getting the tranquilized and crippled Shakespeare across the finish line. In an act of complete heroism, Corbin Mantruck writes a script giving him the strength to pick up William Shakespeare and carry him across the finish line. As they cross the finish line together, Mantruck tells Shakespeare that he never cared about the plagerism. He just cared about their friendship. The movie closes as we watch Corbin Mantruck’s masterpiece play. It is called “Shakespeare’s Apprentice,” and it’s the Corbin and Shakespeare’s story.

Drug Suitcase

Trichelle: I can’t be with you anymore, Clive. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me.

Clive: Come on, Trichelle, It’s not that I don’t love you. I so do. It’s just that sometimes I’m too sleepy to say it!

Trichelle: To sleepy? That is b.s.! Narcolepsy isn’t even real! You don’t love me!

Clive: Narcolepsy is real, Trichelle! And I do too! I do too love you!

Trichelle: I’m not even a little bit convinced.

Clive: What do I have to do to convince you?

Trichelle: You probably can’t convince me!

Clive: I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you, Trichelle. Right… (yawn)…right after this nap…

Trichelle: This is unreal, Clive. This is unreal.

Clive: (snore)

(8 hours later)

Clive: (awaking) Trichelle? Trichelle are you still there?

(Clive looks around to see that she has gone)

Clive: Damn it! I probably love her and I need to prove it to her!

Nelson: Hey Clive, I can help you out, baby.

Clive: Oh no! Nelson, you are a drug dealer. You can’t help me out.

Nelson: Oh yes I can. I can help you stay awake cool. Look, I’ve got speeeeeeeed….

(Nelson opens up the suitcase he was carrying. The suitcase appears to glow a little and a ton of speed pills spill onto the floor.)

Clive: Come on. You’re telling me that those speed pills will stop me from getting sleepy?

Nelson: You bet I am, mamma-jamma.

Clive: Right sure but you just want to get me hooked on drugs.

Nelson: Mmmm-hmmmm…

Clive: Okay…well…how much for the suitcase?

Nelson: How about I give you this suitcase full of speed and you give me Trichelle?

Clive: What?

Nelson: It’s easy breezy, baby. You give me Trichelle and you get this whole suitcase full of speed. Oh my God, it’s so fly.

Clive: I…I can’t get Trichelle unless I have speed, and I can’t get the speed unless I give up Trichelle!

Nelson: Oooh-weee!

Clive: I guess…I guess the only thing I can do is agree. I lose Trichelle either way. At least this way I get a suitcase full of speed.

Nelson: Now you’re catchin’ on! Shooot….

(Nelson hands Clive the suitcase full of speed and then walks away with a limp)

Clive: Wait! Nelson! You didn’t tell me how many of these pills I’m supposed to take!

(Nelson doesn’t answer so Clive takes a lot of pills)

Clive: I’m invincible! I can run like a bullet! I can jump like a kangaroo! With this energy I can stay awake! I can win Trichelle back! Goodness, my heart...my heart is beating so fast!

(Clive runs and jumps extremely fast. His eyes are wide open and his teeth are clenched. But the dangerous drugs are soon too much, and he quickly begins screaming)

Clive: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Clive’s heart literally bursts out of his chest. Clive falls to the floor and his eyes watch in amazement as his heart, still beating, bounces down the hill. Clive was on a hill when this happened)

Clive: ….I’m…so…sleepy….

(Clive dies. Just as he does, eight-year-old Terry Yondle walks up and sees the closed speed suitcase)

Terry: Oh boy a suitcase! I’m gonna play businessman!

(Terry takes the suitcase and walks away)

Elsewhere, down the hill:

Trichelle: I don’t know, Nelson. You’re a bad boy and I like that, but I don’t know if I’m ready for you. You see, I just broke up with Clive like eight hours ago.

Nelson: Oh baby, baby. You’ve been ready for me for a long time. Shoot. Let’s not kid ourselves, I’ve seen where your eyes wander.

Trichelle: Well…as long as you don’t hurt anybody.

(Clive’s beating heart, bounces into Trichelle’s forehead)

Trichelle: (screams) This…this heart! Oh my God, this heart! I know it! I’d know it anywhere! It’s mine. He said it’s always been mine, and he was just using it. Clive…he’d always say that (Clive had said these words earlier, perhaps during the credits?) But if this is the heart he was using, that means….CLIVE IS DEAD! You did this to him, didn’t you Nelson?! I hate you! You and I will never be!

(Trichelle runs away crying)

Nelson: (to himself) Well if I don’t get Trichelle, that means Clive don’t get the suitcase full of speed! I’m gonna go get what’s mine!

Welcome To The Jungle

Scene: Ira Buchman [Mad About You] is the famous explorer. On this day he is hiking through the jungles of South America. He is by himself and there is no person anywhere even close to him. It is raining and he is cutting a path through the trees with a machete.

Ira: (speaking to himself) What a jungle! So thick! I don’t think anybody has every been here before.

(Ira passes a statue of the Egyptian god Horus, but he doesn’t even see it and he keeps cutting)

Ira: I mean, there are literally 1 billion people on Earth. Walking on land that no man has ever walked on before feels…I don’t know…good.

(Just 15 feet away from Ira, but blocked from his view, we see an exact duplicate of the rocks at Stonehenge.)

Ira: (Still hacking his way through the jungle and a snake that got in the way) There’s something about the air here. It’s electric, like it’s filled with mini-lightnings.

(We see a Mayan statue that is once again just out of Ira’s point of view. And then we see a merman statue from Atlantis)

Ira: Hmmm…that’s weird. It looks like there’s a clearing ahead. Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!

(When Ira clears through the bushes, we see enormous thatch houses everywhere. There is a huge city only instead of people living in it, a bunch of big Sphinx’s live in it. They are part human, part lion, and all beautiful. A she-sphinx, her bare breasts blowing in the wind, hears Ira say “Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!” and is startled. She quickly gallops over to Ira)

Trinxy the she-sphinx: Are you mad, man-ape? Do you want to get yourself killed?

Ira: This is amazing!

Trinxy: Don’t you see that you have to be quiet?

Ira: (whispering) Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is ask questions! Why don’t you just talk to me?

Trinxy: Are sphinx’s not mortally bound to speak only in questions?

Ira: (whispering) I see. Well, thank you for the warning and for your help. But you must understand my excitement! Nobody thought Sphinx’s were real!

Trinxy: Haven’t you seen the statue in Egypt?

Ira: (whispering) Yes, but we thought it was a fictional statue. What is your name?

Trinxy: Did I forget to tell you my name is Trinxy?

Ira: Yes. Nice to meet you, Trinxy. My name is Ira Buchman.

(Ira takes out his pistol and shoots Trinxy in the brain. As she falls to the ground dead, she drops a weapon that looks like sphinx harpoon. Startled, Ira looks at it and notices it is labled “man-ape gun.”)

Ira: Oh my God! What’s this? It looks like Trinxy was going to kill me!

(Ira slowly backs away from the Sphinx village. But then he bumps into a tree, and suddenly ten mermen soldiers descend from high up in the jungle trees. Startled, Ira looks helplessly as the mermen point their fishy tails at him and hold up their pointy tridents.)

Ira: I see. Where there are sphinx’s, there are mermen soldiers from Atlantis.

Tonyfish: And so it shall always be. Hi, human. My name is Tonyfish.

Ira: Well my name is Blow You All Up!

(Ira reaches for his grenade launcher but before he can get it, the grenade launcher is tridented by Tonyfish)

Tonyfish: We lost one civilization that way. We will not lose another.

Ira: My apologies.

Tonyfish: Suck on your apologies. You tried to destroy us and we will now imprison you on our prison island!

Ira: Please! I’m just a famous explorer! You must understand. We thought Atlantis was lost, and we thought all mermen had been lost with it. But you live! It is a glorious miracle that you live! It’s a miracle we must seize and rejoice at! My people have so much to learn from you! Please forgive me. Teach me of your advanced technologies and let our people live together in peace as they once did.

Tonyfish: Hmmm….maybe I –

Ira: Maybe isn’t good enough. Get them, guys!

(Fifteen druids, all dressed in white gowns with pointed white caps, float down from the thunderclouds in the sky. As they gracefully land, they summon the very roots from the earth to entangle the mermen.)

Tonyfish: No!

(The druids cast “Wrath” on the entangled mermen until they are all dead)

Ira: Thanks for your help, druids of old.

Andrewd: My name is Andrewd. We had been trying to exterminate the fish people for sometime.

(A bunch of police sphinx’s suddenly show up, trying to find Trinxy’s killer.)

Police Sphinx: Will you hold it right there, Ira?!

Ira: Help me, druids!

Andrewd: No way. You’re on your own!

(the druids take travel form and run off quickly. The police sphinx’s arrest Ira and put him in a jail shaped like a question mark.)

Ira: Damn those druids! Betrayal is the cruelest mistress. That is, it is the cruelest mistress other than Ixchel, the Mayan’s aged jaguar goddess of midwifery. Alas, I wish Ixchel were here now, for only she could rescue me from the police sphinx’s and also avenge the betrayal of the druids. Unfortunately, the Mayans are a lost people and I’ll probably never meet one let alone a goddess.

Cellmate Ixchel: You are wrong, because Ira - I am Ixchel!

Don't Eat the Baby

Scene: Hospital Room. A woman is giving birth

Gary: That’s it, honey. Breathe. Remember our Lamaze classes. You can do it.

Wife: Aaagh!

Doctor Ike: You’re doing fine. Now push.

Wife: I am pushing!

Doctor Ike: Here he comes, Heather. He’s crowning. You’re almost there.

Gary: You can do it, honey! I love you!

Wife: Aaagh!

(sound of baby Tommy crying)

Doctor Ike: Congratulations! You’re parents. Would you like to keep the placenta?

Wife: What?

Doctor Ike: Some couples like to keep the placenta. In fact, some couples even cook them and ingest their nutrients.

Wife and Gary: Gross!

Doctor Ike: Yes, some say it’s gross, but others feel it’s a way to grow closer to their child.

Wife and Gary: Hmmmm.

Scene: Gary and Wife’s house

Gary: What’s that smell, Heather?

Wife: Well…remember what the doctor said? About the placenta? I figured I’d cook it and eat it and we’d get closer to our baby.

Gary: Nasty!

Wife: Well, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.

(Wife eats the cooked placenta)

Gary: Well? How is it?

Wife: It’s…it’s good. Oh. Oh yes. It’s very good. I just…I wish there was more of it! Mmmm, I can feel the nutrients inside of me…

Gary: Weird.

Wife: I wish there was more of it. I wish there was more… I’m so hungry now. So hungry….

Gary: Heather, honey? Why are you looking at me like that?

Wife: Shut up you bag of talking nutrients!

(Wife picks up the cooking pan and hits Gary over the head. Gary falls to the ground unconscious. Off camera, we hear the wife noisily eating Gary. When she comes up, she is like an animal. Her mouth is bloody, her eyes are crazy wide open, and her hands are held like sharp claws.)

Wife: (licking lips) Yes, so good. So goooooood! (yelling) The placenta I ate gave me a taste for human flesh!

(Little baby Tommy starts crying in the background.)

Wife: (listens to baby Tommy)Yes. Yes that sounds tasty too.

(Wife heads to baby Tommy’s room but is stopped by a knock on the door. She hesitates, but eventually the Wife goes to the door and opens it. Outside is Trevor, a HOLY BIBLE salesman. It is his first day on the job.)

Wife: (still covered in her husband’s blood) Yes?

Trevor: (reading from a presentation script and not even looking at Wife) Hello. are you Heather Ballican?

Wife: Why yes I am, Mr. Delicious Nutrients.

Trevor: (Still reading) Nice to meet you. I am not an ordinary salesman, Mrs. Ballican. An ordinary salesman, if you’re lucky, will sell you something that is guaranteed to last two lifetimes. But Mrs. Ballican, I am selling you something that you can use in two lifetimes. This lifetime and the next. And the next lifetime is eternity. Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE, Mrs. Ballican?

(Wife drools with hunger)

Trevor: (stares at his presentation script as he awaits an answer) Mrs Ballican? Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE? (looks up and sees just how damn bloody she is) Holy shit, Mrs. Ballican!

Wife: I’m going to eat you and then I’m going to eat my baby! (lunges at Trevor like a bloodthirsty wildcat. Trevor barely dodges her, as her hunger has made her quicker and more nimble than the average human being)

Trevor: Heather! You’ve got to be stopped!

Wife: Never! I’m going to eat everyone! I’m going to eat my baby Tommy!

Trevor: Mrs. Ballican, I will never allow that to happen!

(Trevor escapes the Wife and runs to a forgotten and abandoned cave.)

Trevor: I’ve got to stop her, but I can’t call the police. She’ll eat the police! What do I do? (Looks at HOLY BIBLE) Well, maybe this will work!

(Trevor reads the HOLY BIBLE and begins super praying. Suddenly, a golden light falls on him even though he is in a cave.)

Trevor: Wow. It works. It really works. Now I can stop Heather. She’s no match for the GOOD NEWS.

Meanwhile, at the Wife’s house

(Closeup on the Wife’s face)

Wife: MWAAAAAARRRR!!!

Note:
The dangers of placenta, or “afterbirth,” consumption are very real. Every day, people considering themselves “open-minded” cook and ingest the placenta of their newborn child. As the placenta is a human organ, this act is no less than an act of cannibalism, an act which the HOLY BIBLE is decidedly against. Please, if you know someone who is pregnant or just about to be pregnant, please warn them and give them the GOOD NEWS.

Crossing the Dolphin-ish Line

Scene: Seaworld after hours. Dolphin trainer Terry Vatchet is talking to himself by the dolphin pool

Terry Vatchet: (to himself) Sigh. I wish my life were more exciting like in that movie with the giant robot bear. I mean, yes I am a very gifted dolphin trainer. Everyone always says: my awards and trophies speak for themselves. But still, is there something else out there? Is there a way I can use my dolphin training techniques to not only make my life exciting but to also make a fortune and live a life of glamour?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-reee-eee chirp-chirp Ree-eee?

Terry: I can’t understand you, Donny. (moans) You only speak dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to the garbage area of the pool and uses his bottle-nose to bring over a bit of wet newspaper)

Terry: It’s a newspaper article. What’s this? It says that Mammoth NASCAR is super popular and they are thinking of an underwater spin-off where people race sharks.

Donny the Dolphin: Chirp-chirp Reee-eee-reee-eee!

Terry: I still have no idea what you’re saying. Anyway, while this article is certainly exciting, Donny, you’re not a shark. You’re a dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to a metal pole in the pool and even though it takes him awhile, he bites it in half)

Terry: Holy shit, Donny!

(Donny’s dolphin mouth is bleeding, but it’s not too bad and for him the demonstration is worth it. He shows this by swimming in circles a couple of times)

Terry: If you can do that, well…. maybe with a little make-up…maybe people will think you’re a shark and you can race in the shark racing I read about in the wet newspaper you brought me!

(Donny the Dolphin rolls his eyes but nods enthusiastically)

Terry: Okay. We’re going to dress you up like you’re a small shark. But one question, Donny.

Donny the Dolphin: What?

Terry: Can you swim?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-chirp-chirp- eee-reee!

(Donny the Dolphin swims from one edge of the pool to another)

Terry: That’s too slow, Donny. Too slow. Someone is going to have to train you if you’re going to win, if we’re going to be famous, if we’re going to take shark-racing by storm.

(Terry thinks.)

Terry: I’ll train you!

I Will Try Not To Breathe, I Will Hold My Head High

Synopsis: It is the not-too-distant future. The world is almost out of air. Instead of fighting for oil, people fight for the air they need to breathe.

Belto: I…I can’t breathe!

Hellwren (through Belto's earpiece): Shit, Belto! You’re in a no-air zone and your tank is on empty! Break out your emergency flora!

(Belto takes out a single rose encased in a small glass dome. He breaks the glass and we see the rose drinking heavy from the surrounding carbon dioxide. Soon it emits slow but steady bursts of oxygen and Belto gasps the oxygen greedily.)

Belto: Thanks, Hellwren. Close one.

Hellwren: Don’t waste time thanking me, Belto! Your rose only has 5 minutes. That means you’ve only got 5 minutes before you run out of air!

Belto (muttering): I could have sworn my oxygen tank was full. And at $4.00 for every gallon of oxygen, I think I know when I fill up my tank!

(Belto, the rose kept close to his nose, runs to an area marked breathing zone. He breathes the air just as his life-giving rose dies. Hellwren is waiting for him)

Hellwren: You wanna be another of those choke-isides? What’s the matter with you? You almost got yourself killed!

Belto: I don’t know what happened! I just filled up my oxygen tank two hours ago!

Hellwren: Then why does it say “empty”? Wait! It doesn’t say “empty” at all….it says “full of oxygen.” Belto, this thing has been tampered with. By enemies. Do you have any enemies?

Belto: Hmm, let me think, Hellwren…Let’s see….do you think….do you think it’s possible that I made enemies in the Oxygen Conglomerates by starting to research how to get breathable oxygen from carbon dioxide?

Hellwren: You’re a marked man, Belto.

Belto: Don’t I know it. This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren.

Hellwren: You need to defend yourself. You need to take precautions.

Belto: This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren. It was the fourth. I barely survived the first attempt, and as a response I had a very controversial surgery.

Hellwren: No way.

Belto: Yes way, Hellwren. I had all of my fingers surgically made into gun barrels and now I can load bullets into my wrist and shoot bullets from my fingers. It’s the ultimate surprise weapon, and when I point at someone it means their days are numbered.

Hellwren: That surgery is illegal, Belto.

Belto: So is murder, Hellwren. So is murder. And so is Oxygen extortion, which is what I believe is going on here. People can’t breathe, and someone, someone is making a mint.

(Belto turns away from Hellwren, and we see Hellwren secretly throw away the missing parts of Belto’s oxygen tank gauge.)

Hellwren: Oh, I think you’re being paranoid, Belto.

Belto: Shut the fuck up, Hellwren. There is a war going on. People need air, Hellwren, and people die every day by way of suffication.

Hellwren: Yeah.

Belto: NO.

Hellwren: Well it’s not like we can do anything about it. One person can’t make a difference.

Belto: Well I’m going to make a difference.

(Belto shoots bullets from his finger-guns into the air)

Belto: I’m enlisting in the Army, Hellwren. I’m going to war so that everyone can have oxygen.

Hellwren: That is batshit bullshit, my friend. I think that high oxygen prices are both fair and reasonable. I mean, after all you can’t put a price on life, now can you? And you need oxygen to live.

Belto: I’m going to use my fingers for good. I’m going to make a difference by making oxygen free for everyone.

Hellwren: Well, if anyone can do it, it’s you’ Belto.

Hellwren (to himself): That is why I must kill you. With your own finger-guns

Dirty Cop A Plea

Cop: So, it turns out that the cop is a dirty cop after all!

(Gun shot from the darkness)

Cop: Nooo!

(He dies and bleeds all over the carpet and furniture)

(Later)

Cop 2: Looks like what we’ve got here is a clear case of murder.

Cop 3: Murder!?

Cop 2: Plain as day.

Cop 3: But why? Why would someone murder a cop?

Cop 2: Well maybe he knew something he shouldn’t have, something that was a secret.

Cop 3: What are you saying?

Cop 2: I am saying that maybe this cop found out about a dirty cop!

Cop 3: A dirty cop! This is not the movies! What makes you say that? Do you know anything about a dirty cop?

Cop 2: If I did, I would be a dead.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)

Cop 5: I want to know why he had to die! (shoots an assault rifle into the air)

Cop 2: I don’t know how I’m going to solve this case of the dirty cop.

Cop 3: Hey. You are going to solve the case of the dirty cop like you solve all of the cases you solve. You will solve it through hard work, intelligence, strength, faith, family, friends, and if necessary guns.

Cop 2: Thank you, friend. Thank you for this believing in me.

Police Radio: Attention all units: There is a crime going on two blocks from here.

Cop 3: Come on! That crime is occurring on our beat! It looks like there are other fish to fry!

Cop 2: Yes but first appearances can be deceiving.

Cop 3: Yes they can. Off to the other crime scene!

(At the other crime scene)

Cop 2: Look a burglary was committed here.

Cop 3: But this is just a warehouse full of police files. These files are not worth anything!

Cop 2: You are right. Wait no you are wrong! Think about this idea. Maybe the burglar wanted the files because they had some incriminating evidence in them. Wait! Maybe the burglar stole the files so that we would not find the incriminating evidence.

Cop 3: I guess anything is possible.

Cop 2: Hm. I am wondering that maybe this case is connected with the other case

Cop 3: Well now you are imagining things.

Cop 2: We will see. I hope you are right. We will see. I hope you are right.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)

Smombie World

(SCENE: A very crowded street. Rico is standing on a bench shouting at people)

Rico: Everyone is already dead! Everyone! You just don’t know it yet!

Man: Shut up, you crazy.

Rico: Am I crazy?

God: No, Rico. No, you ain’t crazy.

Rico: You’re all already dead! You’re walking corpses, every one of you!

(All of a sudden, we see that everyone is covered in maggots. They actually have been zombies the whole time)

Woman: Wait! We are dead! I’ve got some maggots on me!

Man: No you don’t. Wait… Yes you do! But how did it happen?

Rico: I don’t know!

Woman: You know, I don’t feel any different.

Rico: Nobody said you should feel different.

Jason Priestly: Hey, I don’t have any maggots on me! Maybe I’m not dead?

Rico: Look closer. They’re there.

Jason Priestly: Nope. I’m alive. I’m alive and you all are dead! What’s going on?!

Rico: KILL HIM!

(All of the zombies turn to Jason Priestly and their eyes are red and their teeth are sharp. And event though they didn’t know they were zombies [with the exception of Rico], they are, in fact, pretty smart zombies.)

Jason Priestly: No. No I don’t think so, guys. Not today.

(Jason Priestly clubs two zombies and runs into the military testing lab. With the smart zombies hot on his heels, he finds an experimental jetpack. He straps it on and flies to the rooftop of a skyscraper. He perches there, his eyes on the smart zombie city)

Jason Priestly: So it’s just me now. I’m the only one left to stop crime perpetrated by smart zombies. It’s just me. Me with no maggots, me with this experimental military jetpack. And are there any other people who are the living living? And if so, how can I find them when it seems the entire world is filled with zombies who don’t even know they are zombies? Heh…

(fires up jetpack)

Jason Priestly: Looks like I’ve got my fuckin’ work fuckin’ cut out for me.

The Mid-Arm of Justis

(Scene: An operating table in a hospital)

Police Chief: How is the operation going, doctor?

Doctor: Good. We’re almost done. Soon, police officer Danny Justis will have a third arm made out of pulverite, the strongest substance there is.

Police Chief: And it matches his skin tone perfectly!

Doctor: I know. It’s remarkable.

Police Chief: With three arms, Officer Justis can turn the tide. Of crime.

Doctor: (shouting) That’s the only reason I agreed to do this infernal operation! I’ve been very clear: Though I can see the immense value of having a police officer that has a third arm made out of pulverite, you are messing with evolution, Chief! You are messing with God’s image!

Police Chief: Yes, yes. You’ve said this before. And in return for your concession, we are wiping clear your criminal record of administering vendetta justice against violent criminals.

Doctor: Thank you. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish sewing on the pulverite arm before officer Danny Justis bleeds to death.

Police Chief: Go right ahead.

(The police chief lights a cigar and takes out a picture from his wallet of his old partner Terry O’Mulligan, a man killed in action by a mysterious man who was never caught.)

(Scene: Recovery Room. Danny Justis is waking)

Danny Justis: What’s happened to me? I have a third arm growing out of my chest!?

Doctor: You had a third arm attached. It’s bullet proof, Danny. Bulletproof.

Danny Justis: I see. It makes sense. For keeping the peace. For stopping crime. For maintaining the law of the land.

Doctor: For all of those things, Mr. Justis. But might I make a suggestion?

Danny Justis: Please.

Doctor: Don’t waste your third arm on stopping common every-day crime. Use your third arm to defeat the Tri-Umps.

Danny Justis: What? Huh? Who are the Tri-Umps?

Doctor: I’m glad you asked me that, Danny. It shows me you’re the chosen one. You see, the Tri-Umps are the unholy trinity of crime. They are three criminal masterminds, all adept in the dark arts. First, there is Beelzebrother. This one is very…urban. He summons demons to help corrupt the minds of underlings. He is the weakest of the Tri-Umps, and yet his magic has made him invincible in every way. You must kill him.

Danny Justis: My third-arm will find a way.

Doctor: Second, there is Ursa Major. She is a huge giant bear and a very sexy seductress. Ursa Major’s power is beyond comprehension. She can crush rocks so easy.

Danny Justis: Like a robot!

Doctor: Yes. Like a robot. Still, as powerful as she is, even Ursa Major is only the second in command. First in command, the leader of the Tri-Umps, is –is –

Danny Justis: Who is it, Doctor?

Doctor: ….BAH! BAH! CARS GO ZOOM! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: All of a sudden the doctor is retarded! What’s going on?! He must be under a retarded spell from the Tri-Umps. Come back to me, Doctor! Come back! You were telling me about the Tri-Umps!

Doctor: BAH! BAH! FOUR ARMS!! BAH! BAH!

Danny Justis: Four Arms? No, Doctor. I have three arms. Oh, it’s no use. He’s still retarded. I guess I’ll have to learn about the Tri-Ump leader myself. But first, time to kill Beelzebrother. Apparently, he’s been causing trouble for far too long. With demons.

(Danny Justis gets out of the hospital bed, and opens the hospital bedroom door. With his third arm.)