Earth’s galaxy, the Milky Way, travels through space 373 miles a second. That’s 1,342,800 miles an hour, a very unsafe speed by anyone’s standards. For millions of years, the people of Earth have lived every day unaware of the danger surrounding them. December 12th, 2008, all of that changed.
Scene: A cabin in the woods. Amateur astronomer Corbin Mantruck is looking through his telescope
Corbin Mantruck: Will you look at that! That star just went supernova! Beautiful! It’s lighting up the sky! Wait…What the…?
(Corbin peers closer through his telescope)
Corbin Mantruck: Oh Lord! We’ve all been fools! The supernova is shedding light on an otherwise dark area of space! It wouldn’t be a problem at all except…except I can see the wall at the end of the universe!
(Corbin does some quick calculations. He stares and them in disbelief and then does them again, this time very, very slowly. He gets the same answer)
Corbin Mantruck: The Earth. We’re headed straight for the Universe’s wall. And by studying the Doppler Effect and wavelengths, it looks like we’re headed straight for the wall, traveling at…no…wait….I must make sure…
(Corbin once more checks his figures, going through each item line by line. Once again, he arrives at the same, unbelievable answer)
Corbin Mantruck: We’re doomed. We’re heading towards the Universe’s wall at 1,342,800 miles an hour. At that rate, when we hit it we’ll be flattened like a pancake. I’ve…I’ve got to tell someone. At this rate we’ll crash into the wall in four days!
Scene: The Pentagon. 5-star general Steel Delivery answers a red telephone
Gen Steel Delivery: Hello?
Corbin Mantruck: General Steel Delivery? This is Corbin Mantruck, amateur astronomer and ex-Navy Seal.
Gen. Steel Delivery: How did you get this number, Mantruck?
Corbin Mantruck: That’s not important, sir. We don’t have time for that.
Gen: Steel Delivery: Go on, son.
Corbin Mantruck: I’ll get right to the point. The universe has a wall and we’re headed straight for it. If we don’t figure out a solution, we’ll crash into it in four days.
Gen. Steel Delivery: So?
Corbin Mantruck: You’re a General, General Steel Delivery, so please understand that what I say next is with all the restraint I can muster. We will CRASH INTO THE UNIVERSE’S WALL AT 1,342,800 MILES AN HOUR!!!
Gen. Steel Delivery: Good God.
Corbin Mantruck: You see the danger.
Gen. Steel Delivery: I do. We’ll all be killed….
Corbin Mantruck: Exactly. There are no Americans now, Gen. Steel Delivery. There are no Russians or Africans or Arabs of Chinese. There are only Earthlings. We’re all in this together.
Gen. Steel Delivery: You’re right. Of course you’re right. And I see your point. If we’re going to blow up the Universe’s Wall, we’re going to need to the resources of the entire world.
Corbin Mantruck: Glad we’re on the same page.
Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m going to call the president. We need to assemble a team of world leaders. It’s crunch time. And Corbin Mantruck? I want you here, on our team. You discovered this problem and your voice has earned the right to be heard.
Corbin Mantruck: Thank you, Gen. Steel Delivery. Now, to blow up the Universe’s wall. I assume we have some sort of new super bomb that nobody knows about?
Gen. Steel Delivery: That would be classified information, Mantruck.
Corbin Mantruck: Don’t jerk me around, General Steel Delivery! Am I a part of this team or aren’t I?!
Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m sorry, son. But I just can’t reveal classified information.
Corbin Mantruck: Damn it! This red tape is why I quit my job as a Navy Seal lab-scientist! You know what? Screw it, Gen. Steel Delivery. I’m out. You work with your world team on blowing up the Universe’s Wall, and I’ll work with mine.
Gen. Steel Delivery: There’s no way you can beat us, son. We’ll have the world’s top scientists at our disposal.
Corbin Mantruck: We’ll see. If you’ll excuse me, General, I need to hang up. There are some calls I need to make.
(Corbin hangs up the phone)
Corbin Mantruck: Bastards! They’re gonna do whatever they can to stop me!
(Corbin throws a wine glass against the wall)
Corbin Mantruck: Well, looks like it’s time to call in a few favors from my frat brothers. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother is a brother for life. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother helps a brother in need. Let’s hope that’s true. First call? Harry Hangover Dirtsen. Let’s see what he’s up to.
