A Lot of Universes

Man: What if I were an entire Universe?!

Voice: YOU ARE!

Man: Yes! So much power! The energies of a zillion stars contained within me!

Voice: WITH GREAT POWER COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY

Man: Yes. That is true.

Voice: SO USE YOUR POWER CAREFULLY

Man: Ok.

3 YEARS LATER

Man: I have done so much, helped so many people.

Voice: BUT WAS IT ENOUGH?

Man: Do not make me doubt myself, Voice. For if I doubt myself, I doubt an entire universe.

Voice: WAS IT ENOUGH?

Man: Stop it! If I doubt myself I can blink out of existence. An entire universe could disappear!

Voice: I KNOW. I AM THE VILLAIN!

Man: Voice, I have all the powers of the myselfiverse at my command. Don’t fuck with the ‘verse!

Voice: YOU FOOL. I HAVE THAT SAME POWER TIMES TWO BECAUSE I’M TWO UNIVERSES!

Man: Hey now that I think about it, where are you anyway? Where is your voice coming from?

Voice: OH JUST ALL AROUND YOU IS ALL. YOU SEE, I AM WAY BIGGER THAN YOU. THE REASON I AM TWO UNIVERSES IS BECAUSE I AM A UNIVERSE AND THEN PLUS YOU ARE INSIDE ME AND YOU’RE A UNIVERSE SO THAT EQUALS TWO.

Man: But I will defeat you, Voice. This universe is only big enough for one of us.

Voice: THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT TRUE. NEVERTHELESS, I WILL DESTROY YOU AND USE YOUR ENERGY TO GET SUPER POWERS.

The Voice and the man fight throughout the rest of the movie, and it is truly an epic fight because the Voice is a whole universe larger than the Man. However, what the man has not revealed to the voice is that during the 3 years that the voice and the man weren’t speaking (undisclosed argument), the Man found out that there was some dude within his self-universe who also is a universe. The Man promises the dude universe within him that if he helps him destroy the huge Voice universe, they can live in peace. Still, it is a thrilling battle, and stars and worlds (in all three universes) are destroyed. Who will win? The Man will. But how?! And what about the universe inside of the Man Universe? Can he be trusted?

Trample Ever Onward

(SCENE: A laboratory. A scientist looks up from a very large microscope)

Scientist: Everyone said there was no such thing as mammoth DNA. Well now I know that they were wrong. I found it. What is more (laughs a deep belly laugh) I’ve cloned it!

(A caged Mammoth growls ferociously as a strobe light flashes)

Scientist: Fuck. I don’t even know if the world is ready.

(SCENE: NASCAR official board room. A large meeting is in progress. Jake addresses the board members.)

Jake: Okay. Let’s cut to the chase. As you all know, NASCAR ratings are down. What was once the fastest growing sport is turning into yesterday’s news. Listen. You know what happens to yesterday’s news? People put it underneath their pet birds so the birds can shit on it. Birds shit on yesterday’s news.

(Nods of agreement from board members)

Jake: So we’ve done the polls. And what didn’t make sense is that the fans weren’t tired of the racing aspect at all. Not at all. They fuckin’ love that part about NASCAR. No, what the fans are tired of is the same old cars. Aside from the endorsements, they all look the same.

(Using PowerPoint, Jake shows two different NASCAR cars. Except they look the same.)

Jake: Do you hear me yet!!? DO YOU HEAR ME?! Because here it fucking is. It’s right there. It’s right in front of your noses! The fans want something different! They want something different and if they don’t get it from us they’re going to get it from someone else.

(The board murmurs shocked agreement)

Jake: Okay, so here are the facts, here’s what you know. You know that we’re losing fans. And, what is more, you know why. You know that fans are tired of the same old NASCAAR cars! But I’ve got a secret. I’ve got something you don’t know. And ladies and gentleman of the board, this thing is going to save your sorry asses and Dan I’m talking to you!

(Dan looks up, relieved)

Jake: I have a friend, ladies and gentleman. I have a scientist friend. This friend, we’ll call him “Scientist X1182,” has cloned an animal that was only rumored to exist. He has cloned a Mammoth. It is like an elephant except it is bigger and is hairy and MUCH more ferocious.

Dan: Jake, what are you saying?

Jake: (chuckling at the simplicity of it all) Don’t you see? It’s so simple! We’ll race Mammoths instead of cars!

(the board erupts into applause. Fade into next scene as Jake smiles and raises his hands in victory)

(SCENE: Mike’s NASCAR Driver’s College. Sam, the top of his class, wins a class race in a NASCAR car.)

Professor: That was some driving, Sam. You’re the best I’ve seen in decades.

Sam: I have to be. I have to be to save my grandma.

Professor: Yeah.

(The Professor is handed a letter)

Professor: What? What? No, this can’t be!

Sam: What is it, Professor?

Professor: It’s the NASCAR cars, Sam. They’re not gonna use them anymore. I don’t understand it.

Sam: They’re cancelling NASCAR?!

Professor: No, Sam. Just the cars. NASCAR will still be here. It’s just….they’re going to use mammoths instead of cars.

Sam: It’s got to be some sort of mistake, Professor. Mammoths aren’t even real!

Professor: Well now they are, Sam. And if you still want to do NASCAR to save your grandma, you’re going to have to learn how to ride one.

Sam: Does life ever get any easier, Professor?

Professor: No.

What follows are scenes of Sam showing up late to the mammoth line and getting stuck with the scrawniest, most irksome mammoth there is. Sam is allergic to mammoths, and Sam’s mammoth is allergic to Sam, so roughly half of the remaining dialogue is interrupted by constant mammoth and human sneezing/wheezing. Sam has a lot of trouble controlling his sneezy mammoth and keeps coming in last place in the NASCAR practice races. When NASCAR implements NASCAR mammoth racing on the televised races, at first the NASCAR crowd doesn’t like it. Mammoths are kind of like elephants and they’re not super fast like the NASCAR cars were. But then in one race a NASCAR mammoths fights with one of the other NASCAR mammoths and gets gored with a tusk through its skull. The mixture of speed, blood, and mammoths proves too much to resist. As Sam’s relationship with his small mammoth strengthens, he starts to do better in races. Slowly, he becomes the point leader. Then, about halfway through the season, Sam’s dying grandmother gets trampled by a drunken civilian mammoth rider. No longer motivated to win and no longer trusting of mammoths, Sam begins beating his mammoth, crying in anger through sneezing, wheezing, and red itchy eyes. His trust with his mammoth is broken, and Sam begins losing races and is also gored slightly. But then, after talking to his old NASCAR professor, Sam realizes that now he needs to win mammoth NASCAR races to save his grandpa. The grudge-bearing mammoth is put down, and once again Sam has to develop a relationship with a new mammoth. This time, it is even harder. They are even more allergic to one another, and now Sam is mammoth racist. But can Sam save his grandpa? It will be a matter of willpower, resolve, and super intense and bloody mammoth NASCAR racing. Not everyone will survive.

The Future of Boxing

(VIC HAMMERSTEIN is a professional boxer who just can’t win a fight. One day while training, he is jumping rope. The rope twirls faster and faster, and Vic jumps faster and faster until it looks like he is hovering above the ground. You can’t even see the jump rope because it is going so really fast. Vic is working very hard to do this, and from inside the jump rope, we see him sweating profusely. From outside the jump rope, however, it is as if time has stopped. Vic is moving the jump rope so fast that he is traveling forwards through time. Finally, VIC HAMMERSTEIN stops jump roping.)

Vic: Phew. I have never jumped rope that fast in my life before.

Wizened Old Man: Nobody has. Ever.

Vic: What?! Who are you! When did you get here!

Wizened Old Man: I am your son!

Vic: My son? But how could that be! You were only 4 when I started jump roping. You are like 80 now.

Wizened Old Man: Dad, you’ve been jump roping for a very, very long time.

Vic: But to me it felt like just a few minutes!

Wizened Old Man: That is so very weird.

Vic: What do I do now?

Wizened Old Man: You box. You are a boxer.

Vic: I was a boxer, son. But I wasn’t a good boxer. I’ve never won a fight.

Wizened Old Man: Maybe not. The boxers are very, very old now. You, on the other hand, are still young and strong.

Vic: You’re right! I wasn’t thinking in the 4^th dimension!

Wizened Old Man: This is the future. Get used to it, Dad.

(An alien walks through the door. It is blue and has 5 perfect breasts)

Vic: How do I set up a fight?

Wizened Old Man: Dad. It’s the future. The fights set up you!

Vic: What do you mean?

(In the background there is a 3D hologram that is a videogame and the videogame is Sun Blazer Extra-eme 20. Nearby teenagers are playing it with their mind.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see. You have a lot to learn.

Vic: Son?

Wizened Old Man: Yeah, Pops?

Vic: Whatever…whatever happened to my wife? What happened to your mom?

(A pizza suddenly appears out of thin air as does a holographic receipt saying that The Wizened Old Man’s credit-mind has been charged $399.99.)

Wizened Old Man: You’ll see soon enough. You’ll have to fight her. You see dad, Mommy’s the heavyweight champion of the world.

Vic: So. She decided to box. She always said I was holding her down. I guess she was right.

(Vic Hammerstein and the Wizened Old Man enter a trance-state as they are forced to day-dream a life commercial about Piranha Buger Palace)

Wizened Old Man: I’m not going to lie to you dad: She’s good. She’s very, very old, but she’s used every minute since your disappearance to study boxing.

Vic: But I can’t hit my wife!

Wizened Old Man: You’re going to have to. If you want to win.

(In the background someone is about to leave so he takes out a mini-black hole from his wallet, places it on the floor, and steps through it to go to Beijing.)

Tony's Rosa Major

(Camera opens on Tony WAKING UP)

Tony: Now I have super powers!

(Tony CONCENTRATES and BLOWS UP HIS NEIGHBOR’S HOME. He LOOKS DOWN and sees that he is HOVERING 20 STORIES in the air.)

Tony: I’m doing it!

(Tony FLIES WITHOUT any AIRPLANE or WINGS, cutting through the air quickly and gracefully. Finally, he LANDS)

Grace: Tony?! Is that you? Can you fly oh my gosh!

Tony: Yes I can Grace. Do you find that sexy? Because look what else I can do!

(Tony takes Grace to a park and he CONCENTRATES ON A GARBAGE CAN and it EXPLODES. Grace and Tony look down and they are again hovering 20 stories in the air.)

Grace: How did you do that?

Tony: Grace, I have superpowers.

Grace: Marry me.

Tony: Someday.

(Tony PICKS GRACE UP, because he has new super strength that he woke up with, and he THROWS HER forwards in a PERFECT SPIRAL.)

Grace: Aaaaaah!

(Tony uses his super-speed and enhanced coordination to run to where Grace would have landed. He catches her as if she were as light as a regulation Frisbee.)

Grace: (breathless) Tony! Tony don’t you ever do that again!

Tony: You loved it. You are smiling and laughing.

Grace: It was so exciting!

Tony: I can also do this!

(Tony HOLDS HIS HANDS OUT and LIGHTNING SHOOTS OUT. The LIGHTNING HITS the PARK GRASS and ROSES GROW AND IMMEDIATELY BLOOM. Tony GIVES A ROSE to GRACE.)

Tony: Marry me.

Grace: Someday.

Tony: Awesome.

(Grace WRITHES IN PAIN and MORPHS into a GIGANTIC 20 story SHE-BEAR called Ursa Major.)

URSA MAJOR: Give me the gold!

Tony: NEVER!

(Ursa Major and Tony FIGHT. Ursa Major is IMMUNE to Tony’s LIGHTNING AND SUPER STRENGTH. TONY has superpowers that make him IMMUNE TO BEAR CLAW ATTACKS AND BEAR BITING.)

URSA MAJOR: Give me the emeralds!

Tony: NEVER!

(Ursa Major PICKS UP TONY to eat him and TONY SEES URSA MAJOR IS A ROBOT) and so TONY FREES HIMSELF and looks around. BEHIND A TREE is TONY’S MOM and she is CONTROLLING URSA MAJOR WITH A REMOTE CONTROL.)

Tony: Mom!

Tony’s Mom: You were adopted!

(Tony STICKS OUT HIS TONGUE and it MORPHS INTO A KNIGHT’S LANCE and SPEARS his FAKE MOM in the THROAT.)

Fake Mom: Suuck...

Ursa Major: Give me the ruuuuubiiiiies….

(With Tony’s Fake Mom no longer controlling her, URSA MAJOR RUNS OUT OF BATTERIES.)

Tony: Never, Ursa Major. You’re not even real.

(A SINGLE TEAR forms in URSA MAJOR’S DEAD EYE.)

Tony: I’m off to find my Biological Mom!

(TONY FLIES into the air and SPREADS his HANDS out. LIGHTNING SHOOTS OUT like CRAZY and ROSES BLOOM all AROUND URSA MAJOR who used to be GRACE who TONY LOVED.)

The ParaShootist!

Xander Citement jumps from a black subsonic jet airplane. He falls through the air and fires twin machineguns. Freeze-frame. Opening Title Hits Screen: “THE ‘PARASHOOTIST’!” End Freeze-Frame.

Xander falls toward the ground as the wind blows through his hair. Camera pans to another plane that is owned by Nazis. Nazis are jumping from the plane, but as just as they leave the plane, the bullets from Xander’s machineguns hit the grenades the Nazi’s are carrying and they soldiers blow up and also the Nazi plane blows up.

Cut to Xander Citement’s face. The considerable wind stretches his face and shows all of his teeth, and all of his gums, but he is probably smiling with a grim satisfaction.

As Xander continues to fall through the sky, we see another plane fly towards Xander. It is a biplane. While we cannot hear Xander over the screaming howl of the rushing wind, by reading his lips it is clear he knows the biplane is that of the Red Baron. Xander tries to say “oh shit.”

The Red Baron flys over Xander and shoots at him. Xander quickly contorts his body in break-dance like poses to dodge the bullets, but one of them still hits him but he was carrying medal of honor and it hits that instead. Xander, still freefalling, shoots a rocket at the Red Baron, but it is no good; the Red Baron is an expert pilot of biplane airplanes and the rocket misses. Xander then takes a special grenade out of his backpack and releases it. The grenade has a parachute and it floats through the air right into the Red Baron’s open mouth. He blows up and the explosion is in the shape of the American flag. Xander Citement gives a thumbs up.

Expanding his body to slow his fall, Xander takes a minute to enjoy the scenery. The rush he gets from a jump never gets old, and he writes as much on a notebook and shows it to the camera. Suddenly, from up above, we see someone falling through the sky, approaching Xander quickly. He tries to shoot the person, but the person is too quick. It is a woman in a jumping suit that shows stomach and cleavage. To tell Xander that she is an American ParaShootist, she takes off her clothes and they have sex right there in the sky.

Just as they finish lovemaking, the female Parashootist gets hit by a bullet and dies. Xander shouts “Noooo” but his cries are muffled by the roaring and endless howl of wind rushing by him. As the female ParaShootist’s body expands, she falls to the earth more slowly than Xander. Here, the camera gives the perception that she is being pulled away from him. Xander reaches out, but cannot touch her. She is gone. Xander wants revenge, and he knows the killer must be somewhere near. He looks around him, but sees only the blue sky and the approaching ground. He shoots his twin machine guns wildly in all directions, hoping to find the killer, but he sees nothing. Then, out of the corner of his eye, he sees a Nazi dressed all in blue, perfectly camouflaged with the sky. It is the Blue Baron, and Xander mouths that everyone thought the man was only a myth, a story whose purpose was to scare ParaShootists in training.

In German, the Blue Baron mouths the words “I’m real and I’m here to kill you.” Xander streamlines his body and approaches the Blue Baron, determined to get revenge. “You killed the only woman I’ve ever loved,” Xander Citement tries to say, as he’s dodging bullet after bullet from the Blue Baron’s quad machine guns. Finally, Xander reaches the Blue Baron and they wrestle for a bit and then Xander puts his machine gun in the Blue Baron’s mouth and the Blue Baron tries to scream. The camera pulls away before we see Xander pull the trigger, but we do see red droplets falling through rain and we know that it is the Blue Baron’s blood.

Xander Citement thinks he is done, but then he sees a bunch of homing pigeons with proximity mines strapped to them and their flying right for him. Xander writes “F’ing Nazi birds” on his notepad before taking careful aim at the birds with his wind-resistant sniper rifle. First Xander shoots the closest homing pigeon, and even though it is far away, the explosion still sends Xander reeling through the air he was falling through. During this time, Xander loses his sniper rifle. He writes “Looks like I’ll have to do this shit the ol’ fashioned way” on his Notepad and he takes out a Colt Magnum Pistol. The homing pigeon birds and their proximity mines are still far away, and Xander misses a few times. But he’s not aiming for the closest one. He’s aiming for the homing pigeon bird in the middle. Xander’s words “The early bird gets the gun,” are drowned out by the constant whistling of the wind. Xander finally hits the bird in the middle and it explodes, but then the explosion hits all of the other birds and they explode. “Birds of a feather die together” is written on the notepad this time, and then Xander Citement does a couple of midair summersaults and jumping jacks and then we get another freeze-frame and the credits roll.

Have U Seen This Boi?

(Note: This is a KIDS MOVIE that will not be done in CGI. This movie will contain real animals and real people. Animals will be voiced by famous actors.)

The family of Dogz is a typical family. There is a momma dog, a daddy dog, and two puppy kids. The kids like to play with their pet human, and the pet human runs around in a wheel etc., plays fetch etc., mounts strangers etc., begs to be walked. Daddy dog instructs his puppies to take good care of the pet human. The puppies promise they will.

The puppies walk the human in a park. Other animals are walking their pet humans too, excercising them and cleaning up after them as they go to the bathroom. There is a family of aligators, cats, hamsters, raptors, elephants, etc. At first everything is peaceful and tranquil. But then mayhem breaks out at the park because some of these animals eat each other.

In the confusion the pet human disappears and the puppies cry because they lost it, and then plus in the distance there is an explosion. When the puppies go back home they find that mommy dog and daddy dog have been murdered with poison darts.

Cut shot of the sad puppies howling at moon.

Struck by their grief, the puppies turn to find the last thing their dog parents gave them: The human man pet. There are scenes of them posting pictures, asking neighbors, etc, but when a note arrives requesting 150,000 doggie treats for the return of their pet, the puppies have had enough of taking things sitting down.

Through using their accute sense of smell and a little old fashioned animal detective work, the puppies find that the animal who stole their pet human is none other than the King king cobra. -Suddenly the poison darts that killed their parents make sense. It was a big thing all along.

But they are only puppies! How can they get their pet human back? How can they fight the crime lord King king cobra?

They are told the only way to get the King king cobra is to learn how to fight. A donkey tells them of a fighting teacher in Animal China, so they go to the Animal army and steal some F-15 Fighter Jets. There is a huge air battle, where one of the puppies blows up another jet while flying upside down and in reverse. All of the enemy planes are flown by different snakes.

When they get to Animal China, an old Chinese Panda teaches them this cool new way of getting temporary rabbies. We see the puppies get temporary rabbies and foam at the mouth and their eyes turn red, and they bite fucking everything. Then they say these magic words and the rabbies go away. They fly back to Animal America in their F-15's and get in another battle. This battle goes the exact same way as the other air battle, except the puppies are flying in the opposite direction.

The puppies arrive in Animal America chalk full of temporary rabbies and the need for vengence and their pet human. They go to King king Cobra's house and they ask him if he killed their parents. King king Cobra says yes he did and he says that he also has their pet. There is a a cut scene of the pet human running around on a human wheel and then reading a magazine.

The puppies go all rabid and bite the King king cobra, but before they do they both get bitten by him. The king king cobra dies, and then the puppies talk about how they're dying and how they'll soon be with mommy dog and daddy dog. With their last bits of strength they free the pet human and tell him "You're free now. Good Boi. Good Boi."

With This Ring, I Thee Dead

(Movie opens in a Secret Government Hospital. Sign on the door says "Level 99 clearance")

FBI Agent Barry Tucker: This must be a typo. It says that this patient has been in a coma for 4000 years?

FBI Doctor: That's no typo, agent Tucker. That's why this hospital is top secret. We have a patient that is at least 4000 years old.

Barry Tucker: Holy shit.

FBI Doctor: Nothing holy about it. This man, this coma patient, when we found him he was already in a coma and covered with third degree burns. Some of the worst burns I've ever seen.
He was completely disfigured but the thing is, the strange thing is, our experts say that even before he was burned he probably looked pretty freakish. Our super computers show that he was short, that he had huge, moon-like eyes, and thin arms, and powerful hands and feet.

Barry Tucker: Any signs of how he was burned?

FBI Doctor: None. He was lying all alone on the cliff of a terrible ex-volcano. He was completely naked, with the exception of this one ring he held clutched in his hand. Even now, 4000 years later, we have been unable to pry the ring from his hand. AND WE WANTS IT SO BAD!

Barry Tucker: Whoa! Calm down there, doctor!

FBI Doctor: You're right, you're right. Sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Barry Tucker: It sure would be amazing if this coma patient woke up. He could tell us all about what life was like back then.

FBI Doctor: Funny you should say that. He's going to be waking up today.

Barry Tucker: How can you know that.

FBI Doctor: Well you know how weathermen can predict the weather? Well in top secret government hospitals, we have the ability to predict when a coma patient will wake up after 4000 years.

Barry Tucker: I can't fucking believe it.

FBI Doctor: It's your tax dollars at work, bro.


Later:

FBI Doctor: I don't get it! He should have woken up by now!

Barry Tucker: There's that ring you were telling me about. What a precious ring. I wonder if I can get it.

(Agent Barry Tucker tries to pry the ring from the coma patient's hand, and actually manages to do so. This is the payoff for a pre-established shot that showed that he has very, very strong hands.

Barry Tucker: I've got it!

(Agent Barry Tucker puts the ring on his finger and suddenly disappears. The medical equipment reads "Coma Over" and we see the patient start to twitch.)

Coma Patient: MYS PRECIOUS!

(Coma Patient jumps out of bed. Audience registers shock as they realize that the coma patient was in fact Gollum from Lord of the Rings)

Gollum: I's wills finds mys precious!

(Gollum jumps up on the FBI Doctor and bites his throat off. He then takes the doctor's sidearm pistol. There is a funny scene where Gollum is trying to figure out how to get the pistol to work and he accidentally shoots the dead FBI Doctor a bunch of times)

Gollum: I's has founds a bams-bams! I's wills uses thiss bams-bams to gets mys precious!

(Gollum sneaks his way out of the secret government hospital, stopping only to shoot security officers in the head with his new gun. He eats one of the security guards. As Gollum is eating the guard, we see through Agent Barry Tucker's eyes. He's invisible, and he's right next to Gollum! Terrified, Agent Barry Tucker runs out of the hospital. Gollum hears him and follows.)

Gollum: What's is these carriages? I's wills gets in ones and finds mys ways to mys precious.

(Gollum gets in a taxi cab and drives off. Agent Barry Tucker takes off his ring and is right by where Gollum was when he left)

Barry Tucker: When I had this ring on, nobody could see me! Except...except I felt like someone was looking for me, searching for me, and I don't just mean that Gollum guy. And now Gollum is searching for me and I just know if he finds me he'll bite my throat off. I'm totally fucked.

(Agent Barry Tucker, inconsolable, goes to the ports. He sees an old fashioned ship coming in)

Barry Tucker: What's this!?

(An old man in a pointed hat, some people with long hair and pointed ears, and two very short dudes with hairy feet get off the boat.)

Gandalf: So this is the city.

Frodo: Yes Gandalf. I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

(Gandalf, Frodo, and the others walk up to Agent Barry Tucker)

Gandalf: You're Agent Barry Tucker. Do you have the ring?

Barry Tucker: I do. Who are you?

Gandalf: I'm Gandalf. This is Frodo and Bilbo and some elves. We've come to destroy the ring.

Barry Tucker: IT'S MINE! IT'S MY PRECIOUS!

Gandalf: Calm down, you fool!

(Gandalf clobs Barry Tucker with his staff.)

Barry Tucker: Take it, take it. It's brought me nothing but misery.

(Bilbo and Gandalf both reach greedily for the ring. Gandalf hits both of them over the head with his staff. Bilbo does not get up.)

Gandalf: No one can take it. It's power is too great, too evil. However, me, Frodo, and some elves will help you destroy it.

Barry Tucker: Destroy it? How?

Gandalf: We thought lava would destroy it. We were wrong. No, this ring can only be destroyed by the one who made it. We must find Sauron's skeletal hand, place a magic hammer in it, and use the skeletal hand to destroy the ring. It will not be easy. His skeletal hand will be guarded. By terrorists.

Barry Tucker: This is what I've spent my life training for.

Gandalf and Frodo together: COME THEN! OUR ADVENTURE BEGINS!

The Naked Sorority Sister Mystery

(OPENING SCENE: A 21 year old woman stands on the roof of a barn. She is naked. From below, a group of her sorority sisters watch. They are worried but entranced.)

Trisha: (shouting) This is the world, right! It’s so beautiful! It’s so fucking beautiful!

Sorority Sister 1: Trisha, you’ve got to come down from there! You’re gonna get hurt! What’s making you behave this way? It’s so unlike you!

Trisha: I’m on top of a barn! I’m naked!

Sorority Sister 2: Trisha! Look out behind you!

Sorority Sister 1: Trish, look out!

(A naked woman with a mask comes up behind Trisha and pushes her off the barn. Trisha falls to her death. The naked masked woman goes out of view.)

Sorority Sisters: NOOOOOO!

(SCENE 2: Police Station. The young and hot female officer Moxi is looking at a case file. It has a picture of naked Trisha on the barn and the file is shown as unsolved.)

Moxi: Seven different sorority sisters have been killed and we still haven’t found the killer? How hard can this be?

Captain Hardway: The killer’s good, Moxi. She’s real good. That’s why we’re putting you undercover. You’ll pretend to be a sorority girl, and see if you can’t lure the killer into showing herself.

Moxi: Great. So I’m the bait, eh Captain?

Captain Hardway: You’re the bait.

Moxi: Fine. Let’s get this serial bitch.

(SCENE 3: Moxi is dressed up like a sorority girl and she is with some of the other sorority girls. They take her to the barn where we saw Trisha die.)

Moxi: So…this is where the murders happened?

Janet: (trying not to cry) Yeah, this is where they happened. Trisha was first. She got up there naked and then this naked masked girl came out and pushed her off the barn. Then later, Jackie went up there to show what Trisha had been doing, and then it was Déjà vu all over again, because the naked masked girl came up just like the last time and then naked Jackie got pushed off too.

Moxi: That’s horrible!

Janet: It is. And it just kept happening.

Moxi: I heard about that. Five more times?

Janet: Five more times. Five of our sorority sisters. Naked. All of them pushed to their death from the roof of that infernal barn.

Moxi: I’m so sorry.

Janet: I don’t want to lose any more of my sorority sisters, Moxi! My sisters are my friends!

Moxi: I don’t want to lose any sorority sisters either. Janet? Janet, you let me know if you hear anyone talking about getting naked and going up on that barn’s roof.

Janet: I will, Moxi. And thanks.

Moxi: For what, Janet?

Janet: For being a true sorority sister. For being someone I can finally trust.

Moxi: Janet…Janet there’s something I should tell you. But you need to keep it a secret okay?

Janet: Okay, Moxi. What is it?

Moxi: Well…I’m not really a –

Janet: (interrupting) Oh no! It’s happening again!

(Moxi and Janet look in horror as they see that Melrose, one of their sorority sisters, is naked and on the roof of that barn)

Moxi: Melrose! What the hell are you doing?!

Naked Melrose: Moxi! Janet! This is how they were killed! This is what our sorority sisters were doing before they were murdered!

Moxi: Get down from there, Melrose! Do you want to die?!

Naked Melrose: Of course I don’t want to fucking die! But our sorority sisters didn’t want to die either!

(Janet starts crying)

Moxi: Then get down, Melrose! Get down before the killer finds you!

Naked Melrose: Okay. You’re right. You’re right. Sorry, Moxi.

(Naked Melrose starts to turn to leave the roof. All of a sudden, the masked naked girl emerges.)

Naked Melrose: Oh God! That butterfly tattoo! I know who you are! You’re in our sorority! You’re –

(Naked Melrose is pushed off of the roof of barn)

Moxi and Janet: NOOOOOOO!

(Moxi and Janet rush over to naked Melrose’s body, but it is clear she is dead.)

Janet: (sobbing) Did you hear that, Moxi?

Moxi: I heard.

Janet: The killer is in our sorority.

Moxi: I know. And I’m going to find her. I’m going to find her if I have to get naked and get on that barn’s roof myself.