Fur Coat of Arms

(After opening credits, screen is black)

Narrator: Hello, audience. You came here expecting to see a movie. We give you…reality. What you are about to see is actually happening right outside the very theater/home you are sitting in right now. That being said, and we can not stress this enough: DO NOT LEAVE THE THEATER/YOUR HOME. The building you are currently sitting in is the only building in the world that has been deemed absolutely safe by real scientists.

(The blackness on the screen suddenly disappears and the camera shows a movie theater. A woman comes out of the theater)

Woman: Whatever! There's no danger out here! I'm not going to stay in that theater like the Narrator told me!

(All of a sudden the woman is scared and/or something because she's in pain and dead. There's a closeup on her face and she is shocked and her eyes are wide.

Woman: I…I should have listened to the Narrator!

(The woman falls down and nobody knows why except when the camera pulls back there's an anthropomorphic she-fox named Trixie and Trixie just shot the woman with a crossbow. Trixie has silky, golden brown fur. She is quite fit and very noticeably naked.)

Trixie: Now I'm going to enter this movie theater/your house!

Narrator: Look out, audience! She's talking about the very movie theater/home you're in right now!

Trixie: (Looks into camera) Here I come, everybody!

(Trixie approaches the movie theater but suddenly she's machine-gunned down by a man with a lot of muscles and a lot more of only one thing: Guns)

Man: I'm the Narrator!

(The Narrator empties another clip into Trixie's flawless anthropomorphic nudity as he speaks to the audience)

Narrator: Audience, this is the danger I was warning you about. These creatures are taking over the world. First they seduce the population and then they go kill it with crossbows that they made at home without any help from their friends. But I'm going to protect all of you. Just stay inside, no matter what! (snorts a line of coke)

(An anthropomorphic tigress named Tigress, wearing a see-through mesh shirt, cut-off jeans, and black prostitute boots, backflips onto the street. She is part vampire.)

Tigress: (anthropomorphic chest heaving with adrenaline) If you let me destroy your world, we can do it right here, right now.

Narrator: !!!!!

(The narrator launches a grenade at Tigress, and she is so shocked that her mouth opens and she accidentally swallows the grenade.)

Narrator: Hey, audience members watching this in the theater/your home. Before Tigress blows up, know that there was a time when I loved her, when I would have sacrificed anything for her. We were in a such a cool band together. We excelled. She sang and I played bass. And when we fell in love our music, our music which was experimental and edgy to begin with, evolved into this beautiful suffusion of steak and gravy. But it turned out she was anthropomorphic the entire time and she killed my family and my friends. Still...even then...I kept right on loving at her. Why do I tell you this? I tell you so you can see that….well…I'm not a perfect man.

(The grenade inside Tigress blows up.)

Narrator: But I'm a perfect killing machine!

(The Narrator looks through the blown up remains of the sultry anthropomorphic tigress Tigress.)

Narrator: Why didn't you tell me, Tigress? (To the Audience) I just now found out she was pregnant when she blew up.

(A man named Jerry leaves the theater)

Jerry: Man, there's no way that's happening outside. There's no way! Sexy anthropomorphic animals? No way.

Narrator: I said stay the fuck inside!

Jerry: What the? You're.....real?!

Narrator: Look out!

(A velvatine anthropomorphic giraffe, in the bloom of her youth and wearing only a G-string, attempts to bite off Jerry's head. Trying to protect Jerry, the Narrator jumps on top of the giraffe and wrestles it to the ground. The giraffe fights back, and there is a jumble of wrestling and entanglement. Their fighting slows, however, as suddenly the Narrator and the anthropomorphic giraffe are kissing passionately.)

Narrator: Oh, the sweetness…

(Jerry attempts to return to the movie theater, but the Narrator shoots him before he can get back. The screen goes black and the audience just hears the Narrator's voice.)

Narrator: Okay, audience members. It's safe to come out now. No need to worry about the sexy, beautiful, nude anthropomorphic animals. Nobody's going to hurt you. Just…just come out of the theater/your home. The movie's over. Come out….come out!

(Suddenly onscreen is an anthropomorphic she-raccoon named Rockette. She looks to be about 22, and she's wearing a thin white t-shirt with no bra. Through the t-shirt, you can see some of her fur.)

Rockette: Audience! I'm an anthropomorphic raccoon, and I want you to know that I'm on your side! Do not leave the theater/your home! The Narrator is trying to trick you!

Narrator: Don't believe her! I've killed all the anthropomorphic hotties! Come out of the theater/your home! It's safe now!

Rockette: Ok, Narrator, if you've killed them, what am I doing here?

Narrator: (chuckles, evilly) Okay, you caught me, Rockette. But the audience will have to come out sometime, and when they do, I'm going to tear their heads off! Love has blinded me! (Narrator points to the generous chest of the anthropomorphic giraffe.)

Rockette: We've got to work together, Audience! I'm going to try and stop the Narrator and the other anthropomorphic vixens taking over the world, but I need your help! You be my eyes. If you see the Narrator or a buxom anthropomorphic dolphin or horse or other animal, I need you to yell at the movie screen/your television screen and tell me where the danger is. But my hearing isn't so good, so you'll all have to yell together. Should we test it?

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Good. Okay. Pretend there's an undulating anthropomorphic ferret behind me. I'd want you all to yell "Behind you!" Can you try that for me?

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Good. Okay, on the count of three. 1, 2, 3!

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Well...that was okay, but I think you can do better. Lets try it one more time. Come on, you in the back!

Later:
(Rockette is walking through an alley, anxious and on guard. A beautiful anthropomorphic panther wearing a thin, unbuttoned white collar shirt tucked into a red plaid mini-skirt, her chest heaves in anticipation as she gets ready to jump on Rockette)

Rockette: What's that, audience? Above me?

(Rockette fires her homemade crossbow and kills the anthropomorphic panther.)

Rockette: Thanks, guys!

Winston Churchill: The Once and Future King

Narrator: It’s the year 1854. The American Civil War has just ended. Our hero is 8 years old and unaware of the adventure that lies before him. But then, despite his many talents, Winston Churchill never claimed to be able to see the future.

(Shot of 8 year old Winston Churchill with his face pressed up against a New York candy shop window. He looks hungry and sad. He checks his pockets for change but he’s broke)

Winston Churchill: I hate being poor.

(Winston Churchill picks up a Hershey’s Chocolate bar wrapper from the gutter. Starving, he begins to lick it. After pausing for a moment, Winston begins to chew the wrapper, trying to get some of its chocolaty taste. It is then Winston notices the children inside the candy shop staring at him in horror. Ashamed, his face reddens and his eyes water. He slowly walks to the park, too sad to run)

Lady at park: Hey there, little boy! What’s the matter? Where are your parents?

Winston Churchill: They’re dead, mam. They died in the Civil War. Now I have to feed myself, but I’m too young to get a real job.

Lady at park: Oh, that’s so sad!

(The lady turns and walks away)

Winston Churchill: Dang it, if I just had money… If I had money I could buy warm clothes, I could eat tasty treats, and I could move far overseas.

(Winston Churchill gets hit by a truck that was driving through the park)

Winston Churchill: My legs! My legs! I’ll never walk again!

Heaven Angel: No, you won’t. But you will be King of England.

Winston Churchill: I will?

(For the first time since the movie began, the heaven angel disappears.)

Winston Churchill: I will?! No! Please, come back!

Winston Churchill: My only friend, and it’s gone…

(Winston Churchill begins crying, and through the camera’s rapidly alternating shots of his ruined legs and the space where the heaven angel used to be, the audience understands that he’s crying not just because he’ll never walk again, but also because he lost his only friend)

7 years later

(It’s the year 1861. Winston Churchill is 15 years old. He is right smack in the middle of puberty, with acne, the greasy face, and the gangly arms. He is like the whole shebang of puberty except that his legs don’t work.)

Winston Churchill: Verily, I own a casino empire!

(The camera pulls back to reveal Winston Churchill is in his wheelchair on the roof of the “England Casino,” a prominent casino on the Las Vegas strip. Without another word, he wheels himself off of the roof, and the audience below screams in horror. And then a parachute opens and he lands gracefully so it’s no big deal.)

Audience: Cheer for you!

(Winston Churchill takes a huge bite from a Hershey’s Chocolate Bar. When he is done, he licks the wrapper greedily, just like he did when he was 8. He is no longer ashamed.)

Winston Churchill: Yesterday’s morn I shot an officer of the law.

Madeline: Oh, I might argue that, Winston. Yesterday’s morn we saw a picture film.

Winston Churchill: Ay, but I could have, Madeline. And t’would have been so easy. And no person in this town would have said naught!

Madeline: I must leave you, Winston.

Winston Churchill: No not so, thy villainess, thy bitch!

Madeline: Yes, Winston. ‘Tis so. Whence I fell in love, I fell in love with a lad. And maybe the lad naught had coin, but he was good and true. He would speak of how he was to be the king of all England and verily, it was kind of sweet because the boy could not even walk, so ‘twas good luck being a king and all. Oh, but now, Winston, you talk of killing officers and you denounce me a bitch, and I am so not a bitch, Winston. Daresay you have changed.

Winston Churchill: You matter not! I need you, not! And take witness, vile serpent! I AM the king of England. I am the king of England Casino!

Madeline: (softly, like a baby’s whisper) Oh, Winston, love? Do you verily think that is what thine heaven angel meant? That you should be king of a casino?

Winston Churchill: Go! Get out of here before I break thine face!

(Madeline takes off her coat and we see that she has these huge rainbow angel wings and that she was a heaven angel the whole time. She disappears.)

Winston Churchill: (Crying) No! Heaven Angel! Return to me! How many times must I lose thee? (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

(Winston Churchill, his head bent down, rolls his wheelchair slowly away from his casino empire like he’s a sad cripple on a wheelchair.)

Winston Churchill: She’s right. I have changed. I’m bitter with the taste of the hurt of the world on my soul. Oh regret! You flood my mind and dampen it like a thousand biblical floods! Yea, but it is not too late. I can change. I will change. I’m going to be good again.

(A lightning flash occurs and suddenly nobody is wearing Shakespeare clothes anymore. Nobody seems aware of the change. However, in the foreground, we see old Biff get out of a car, clutching his stomach in pain.)

(A woman approaches Winston Churchill in the alleyway)

Amelia: You’re trying to be good?

Winston Churchill: Yes. I am. But I’ve been bad for seven years and I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, see that casino over there?

Amelia: Where?

Winston Churchill: That big one. Right there, right in front of that automobile.

Amelia: I don’t see it.

Winston Churchill: Really? You don’t? With the neon lights that say “England Casino”? It’s right there.

Amelia: No, I really can’t see it. I can’t see it because I’m an idiot and I can’t see huge buildings even though I can see everything else.

Winston Churchill: What?

Amelia: Of course I can see it! Get over yourself, cripple.

Winston Churchill: Sorry.

Amelia: I’m a tomboy. I talk back to men.

Winston Churchill: Woah. What else do you do?

Amelia: This: Fly planes. You see, my name is Amelia Earhart.

Winston Churchill: The pilot?!

Amelia: Yes. I’m back.

Later

Winston Churchill: (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

Thursday

Marty: The space time… continuum?

What's Your Secret, Richie Gunsen?

Voiceover: Richie Gunsen has a secret.

(Cut to scene showing Richie Gunsen tied to a chair. An angry women in a shiny leather uniform is interrogating him)

Vampelle Strovovich: Tell me what your secret is!

Voiceover: And people want to know what it is.

Richie Gunsen: Not a chance.

Voiceover: But Richie Gunsen is good at keeping secrets.

A huge explosion occurs behind Vampelle Strovovich, the force of which knocks her to the ground. She gets up and is so infuriated. Richie Gunsen remains tied to the chair.

Vampelle Strovovich: Damn you, Richie! Was that your secret?! That explosion?

Richie Gunsen: Go to hell, Vampelle. My secret lies elsewhere.

Vampelle Strovovich: (Stomps her foot and screams in frustration like, “Raaaa!”)

Voiceover: But with four evil governments listening to Richie’s every move, it’s going to be harder and harder for Richie’s secret to remain undiscovered.

(Cut to scene of a van with electrical equipment. People inside are wearing earphones and paying attention)

Van person 1: What did he just say? Was he talking about his secret just then?

Van person 2: No, I don’t think so.

Van person 1: Hmmm. I wonder what Richie’s secret is about.

(Richie Gunsen opens the back door of the van)

Richie Gunsen: I’m not telling.

Van person 1: Get him!

Voiceover: But can Richie keep his secret, even when love is on the line?

(Cut to scene of Richie getting a lap dance in the back of a strip club)

Mercedes Steem: No one’s ever liked me for anything other than my body.

Richie Gunsen: I know.

Mercedes Steem: But you’re different. You see the whole me. What’s your secret, Richie?

Richie Gunsen: It’s…It’s that….

(Richie pushes Mercedes’ breasts out his face)

Richie Gunsen: No. I won’t give you that.

(Richie walks away)

Mercedes Steem: Richie, no!

(Mercedes reaches her arm out towards Richie, but does not otherwise move)

Voiceover: And how can Richie keep his secret when he suddenly has to take care of the daughter he never knew he had?

(Richie opens the door to find a little girl looking up at him. She is holding a sleeping bag and a dirty stuffed bunny.)

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: You shouldn’t exist.

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: I don’t have time for this. Governments are trying to find out my secret!

Voiceover: …a daughter… that opens up his heart.

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen laughing and having an imaginary tea-party with his daughter. Suddenly Vampelle Strovovich bursts through the door. She is wielding a long, candy-striped scythe.)

Vampelle Strovovich: Is this your secret?! Having tea parties with your daughter?!

Richie Gunsen: No Vampelle, you bitch. I love my daughter and that’s not a secret at all.

Voiceover: But when his enemies use his daughter to pry out his secret, how will Richie Gunsen react?

(Cut to scene of Richie being held at gunpoint by the president of the former Soviet Union. His daughter is chained up and hanging over the tip of a nuclear warhead.)

President of former Soviet Union: Tell me what the nuclear launch codes are, Richie! Tell me or your daughter dies!

Richie Gunsen: But I don’t know any codes! I swear! I swear on my daughter’s life! That’s not my secret! It doesn’t have anything to do with that kind of stuff! It’s more…It’s more high-school related!

President of former Soviet Union: Or she dies, Richie.

Voiceover: Can Richie Gunsen save his daughter?

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen holding his daughter with the President of the former Soviet Union laying strangled to death with a chain around his neck.)

Voiceover: And how can he defeat the President of the former Soviet Union?

(Slow zoom chain around the dead President of the former Soviet Union’s throat.)

Goonies II Too

Mouth is 37, and he’s just been laid off from work. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and he’s wearing his bathrobe. He goes to get the mail and finds a fancy envelope addressed to him in gold lettering.

Mouth: What the fuck? Who’d send me this fancy shit? No sé.

(Mouth opens the letter)

Mouth: No way! This is too cool! It doesn’t say who it’s from, but I’m supposed to be at the beach of Astoria at 7:00 tomorrow

Thursday:

(Mouth walks up to a man at the beach. Who is standing. It is 6:45)

Mouth: Mikey? Is that you?

Mikey: Mouth? Hey man. How’s it goin’. Yeah, it’s me. (Mikey scratches his arms frantically and wipes his nose) Good to see you, bro.

Mouth: Hey, what’s this letter about?

Mikey: Shit, I don’t know. I got one too. (Mikey continues scratching each arm) You didn’t send it?

Mouth: No man, it wasn’t me. Hey, you alright? You’re not looking so good

Mikey: Um…yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not feeling well is all.

(Andy, the babe from the first movie who 23 years later is still looking pretty good, is extremely pregnant. She walks towards Mikey and Mouth, holding a letter.)

Andy: Mikey? Mouth? I haven’t seen you in years. Did you guys send me this letter?

Mouth: No. We got one too. What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?

Andy: Looks like.

(An Asian man rises from beneath the sand)

Data: I’ve been here the whole time.

Mouth and Andy: Data?

Mikey: Data?

Data: That’s me! (invents something)

Mouth and Andy: Laugh! Same ol’ Data!

Mikey: (wiping his nose and scratching at his arms and looking sick) Hey, I gotta go for a bit. I’m just gonna use the restroom for a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere without me.

(Mikey leaves)

Data: So we’ve all been called here

Mouth and Andy: Yep. And look! There’s everybody else!

(Brand and Stef and Sloth and Chunk arrive)

Brand: What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?

Mouth: I know, right?

Andy: That’s funny, Brand. Mouth said the same exact thing like two minutes ago.

Brand: Really?

Mouth: Yeah…

All: ……

Brand: So…where’s Mikey?

Mouth: He just went to the bathroom. He’ll be back in a sec.

Chunk: So everybody got one of these letters?

All: Yeah.

(Mikey returns. He looks better, and very relaxed and happy)

Mikey: Shit! Everybody’s here. Unreal.

Mouth: But what’s this about?
(All of a sudden, Chunk trips on a hidden rope. It’s a tripwire that causes a two-story meat cleaver to rise from the sand. It’s about to chop Chunk in half, but Sloth pushes Chunk out of the way. Chunk is saved, but Sloth is sliced neatly in twain. His top half slides to the beach ground.)

All: Scream!

Chunk: Sloth! No!

Sloth: (dying, but speaking clearly now that he’s separated from the retarded half of his body) Hey, Chunk. Listen to me. I need you to be strong. I need you to promise me that you’re going to be strong.

Chunk: (crying, though in his late 30’s) I can’t do it, Sloth! I need you! You’re my best friend! We’ve been through so much together! I’m not strong without you!

Sloth: Yeah you are, buddy. You always have been. Now you have to listen to what I say. I have the feeling that you’re about to embark on another Goonies adventure. That’s awesome, and I know it’s going to be amazing and dangerous and everything you want it to be. And it might seem like you’re gonna have to do this one alone, Chunk, but you’re not.

Chunk: Sloth!...

Sloth: I’m gonna be right there with you. You won’t be able to see me, but I’m going to be watching you from heaven. I’m gonna make sure you get the gold or the jewels or whatever it is this time.

Chunk: Thank you, Sloth. You’re the best friend I ever had.

Sloth: You too, little buddy. Know that I always appreciated how patient you were with my retarded brain. (dies)

Mouth: I’m sorry, Chunk. He’s gone.

Chunk: (looking up) He’s not gone, Mouth. He’s watching me. He’ll always be watching me. From heaven.

Andy: There’s no such thing as heaven.

Data: Look! Out there in the ocean! A boat!

(A small rowboat drifts toward them with nobody inside. They approach it, and inside the boat is yet another fancy envelope with gold lettering)

Brand: What the?!

Mouth: (reading the letter) Dear Goonies, I hope this letter finds you well. As you know, awhile back you loosed an old pirate ship full of gold onto ocean. This letter is to inform you that the ship sails still. And though the ship sails, it is slowed and weighed down by tons and tons of gold doubloons. The ship challenges you, all of you Goonies, to come find it. And whoever finds it first may claim its gold as their own. P.S. Yet beware! One of you is a secret pirate.

Brand: You heard, ‘em boys! First one to find Willy’s ship gets the gold! (Brand dives into the ocean and begins swimming toward the horizon)

Mouth: Idiot. We’ll need boats. Lots of boats if we’re going to find this thing.

Mikey: (Murmuring) We don’t have boats.

Later:

Mouth: We lets steal some boats then.

Later:

Chunk: Man, every time we get close to Willie’s ship, the secret pirate distracts us!

Mouth: But who’s the secret pirate?

Data: (rising from beneath the ocean) The letter said it was one of us. That means a Goonie is the secret pirate!

Mouth: I know. And we need to find out who. STAT. That’s why we need you to finish inventing your traitorotron.

Data: I can’t, Mouth! It’s too hard, too complex. I’m a genius inventor who’s not from the United States. But God Damn it, I still can’t invent a traitorotron. (thinks and gasps) But a robot I'll invent can!

Mikey: (scratching his arms and looking sick) I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes.


Later:

Stef: Run for it!

Andy: Fratelli skeletons? No way! I am sorry, but I am way too in labor for this!


Thursday:

All except Brand: Goonies!

Chunk: I wish Brand hadn’t drowned earlier.

Goonies II

Scene: Astoria

(A thirty-seven year old man whips his head to the camera. His eyes are wide and frightened. Wordlessly, he takes a puff from his inhaler.)

Mikey: Run for it!

(The camera pulls back to reveal a group of 7 other people. They turn to see what Mikey is looking at, and then they too start screaming and running from the unseen menace)

Brand: Why does this always happen, with you, Mikey!!

Mikey: Everybody! Over here! I found a cave!

(the group follows Mikey into the dark cave, and we see Jake Fratelli Jr. hurry by the the cave. He's holding a Tommy Gun and is followed by 3 other mobsters.)

Mouth: It's too dark to see. I don't suppose any of you jerk-offs got a flashlight?

Data: I have flashlight! Look! Look! New invention! (A flashlight springs from a mechanism in Data's chest) Look! We see now! I save day with flashlight!

Stef: Wow. Who knew you'd come in useful.

Mikey: Um…guys?-

Data: Hey! I come in useful all the time! All the time! You just jealous of my inventions!

Mikey: Guys?

Chunk: What is it, Mikey?

Mikey: Shine the light over here!

(Data shines the light towards Mikey's voice and reveals a skeleton clutching a map)

All: Scream!

Mikey: (puffs his inhaler) What's this it's holding! It looks like a map!

(Mikey pulls the map from the skeleton's hands)

Mikey: Um…guys? Remember 22 years ago?

Andy: When we saved our parents houses with pirate treasure? And the pirate ship sailed off to sea? What about it?

Mikey: (puffs inhaler) Well… I think One-Eyed Willie left us a present. Look!

(The group hovers over the map with Data's flashlight shining on it. It's the treasure map of Two-Eyed-Jimmie, Willie's tougher, more sinister, richer pirate brother.)

Sloth: Rocky…ROAD?

Chunk: You're right, Sloth. I'm sure finding this treasure will be a rocky road.

Mikey: But we gotta do it, right guys? We're Goonies! Once a Goonie, always a Goonie! Goonie's never say "die!"

Brand: Goonies? That was 22 years ago, Mikey. Come on. Finding this treasure would be far too dangerous.

Mikey: We're Goonies, Brad. We'll always be Goonies. And maybe our houses aren't in danger… this time. But in this cave it's OUR time. It's OUR time in here. And right now maybe we're all successful adults, but we're not rich. None of us are rich. And wouldn't you like to be rich, Mouth?

Mouth: Yeah, I could get that car.

Mikey: Wouldn't you like to be rich, Andy?

Andy: Yeah, I could get that necklace.

Mikey: And wouldn't you like to be rich, Sloth?

Sloth: SLOTH!

Mikey: 22 years ago, we let One-Eyed-Willie keep his gold. Now, he's repaying us! Don't you see that? He's led us to his brother's treasure map. And I know it won't be easy, guys. But we're Goonies. We've been through this before. We've already proven ourselves worthy. I want to be rich. I want us all to be rich. (puffs inhaler) Now who's with me?

All: I'm!

Chunk: But Jake Fratelli Jr. and his mobsters are after us! We're gonna have to find the treasure with them right on our tails.

Stef: Just like old times.

Mouth: You were kissing me in old times. You want to do that again?

Stef: Ugh. Don't make me barf, Mouth.


Thursday:

Chunk: Mikey? You've been a Fratelli brother this whole time?

Mikey: Of course. How do you think Jake Fratelli Jr. found you jerk-offs in the first place? I've been spying on you for 22 years, biding my time and waiting for the perfect opportunity. Now put the gun down or I shoot the Sloth. (puffs inhaler)


Later:

Data: I wish I could invent something to save you, Chunk

Chunk: (coughs blood) I wish that too, old friend.

Sloth: CHUNK!!!

The Old Man and the Sea: Sings!

Scene: The ocean off Cuba. An old man is in a small boat, rowing out to sea. He is all alone.

Old man: (Singing)
Fishing… is what I do, it’s what I’ve done
since I was young, just a boy, a fishing pole
was my first toy.

But now…I am old, my bones are cold
And no fish sold, I have failed, I can’t believe
This ship has sailed

(Chorus)
And ohhh! I’ve gotta get row-ing out to sea!
Said oh! I know…I’ve got a prim-o date with des-tin-y!

This is my li-ife!
It’s the path I have cho-o-sen.
This is my li-ife!
Ain’t gotta fix what-I-know ain’t bro-o-ken.

Fish it!

(key/tempo change)
Et-cet-er-aaaa!!!

Old Man: It sure is lonely out here in the sea. Lonely and wet and dangerous. But today I just know I’m gonna catch a fish! I just know it!

Old Man: (singing)
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I’ve gotta dare to be-lieve
That you’re wai-ting for me
And my pole.

(the fisherman’s line goes taut, but when he reels it in, all he has is some old shoe!)
Old Man: I wondered where that went! (laughs)

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
You’ve left me a-lone for so long
And I’ve got to be strong
For the boy.

Old Man: Yes, fishies, there’s a boy at home. He such a good, loyal boy and he wants me to teach him how to fish! Can you believe that fishes? He wants me to teach him! But golly, I haven’t caught anything in forever!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I just need to come back
With a big fish on my rack.
If I could…

Old Man: I’d be a hero! I’d be the talk of the town and the boy’s parents would let him fish with me again! Yes, if I could just catch one big fish, just one, everything would be okay again!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you –

Old Man: I can’t believe it! I’ve got a bite! Oh my goodness oh my goodness! It’s a big one! Looks like this one is gonna take a bit of the old elbow grease (laughs). Come on, I can do it. I’m going to catch this fish, dag nabbit (laughs). I’m going to catch it for the boy. (struggles) Phew. I bet I know what this fish is thinking. I bet if it could talk it’d start

Old Man: (singing in a low voice)
Talking like this

Old Man: (changes his voice)
Or maybe like this.

Old Man: And what he’d say is: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty marlin
Been swimmin’-in-the-sea for years.
And I’m big and I’m stout, I was born a stubborn lout
So I can swim without no fears.

So if you think you can catch me
I hope you’re made of steel
Cause it’s a fight you’ll get, and get set to get wet
We’ll just see who’s the meal.

Old Man: And if he said that, I’d just say with: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty fisher
You’re not the first fish I’ve seen
You might say it’s my lot to have my fishing line taut.
And I’m the best that’s ever been.

Old Man: Wow! For two days I’ve been wrestling this marlin. I’m pooped! Now I just have to get back to shore. Oh no! Sharks! They’re going to eat my marlin!

Old Man: (sings)
Get back!
(get back)
Don’t steal this fish from me.

Get back!
(get back)
Your meal is not to be.

Old Man: And the sharks would sing: (sings)
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot-doooooommmmmm

Old Man: (Harpoons a shark)
Take that!
(take that)
It’s time for you to flee!

Take that!
(take that)
Go find some other sea!

(the shark dies, but has eaten some of the marlin. The old man is weak and there are more sharks coming. The rest of the one-man movie has songs of sadness, fatigue, and disbelief. The old man sings in what he believes would be the voice of the other sharks, the captured marlin, seagulls, and the unseen boy back home. The movie ends with the Old Man arriving at the shores of his home with the skeleton of the marlin. Nobody else is seen, but the Old Man sings a prophetic song about what else will happen. i.e. “Oh, people will think it’s a shark, in the dark, what a lark.”)

It's All Relativity

Scene: A cemetery at night

(It is pouring rain. The camera searches the cemetery and finally zooms to a tombstone that is shaped like the theory of relativity. Etched into the tombstone are the words “Here lies Albert Einstein: Genius and inventor of the formula that helped invent atomic bombs.” Sad music is playing but suddenly Einstein’s tomb is struck by lightning. We hear a rumbling in the ground. The music starts to get scary. Tuffs of Einstein’s trademark hair start to peak out from the ground. FrankEinstein, reanimated, rises from his grave.)

Gravedigger: Einstein? No! It can’t be! You’re dead!

FrankEinstein: You’re right! I was dead. But now I’m alive! ALIVE!!

Gravedigger: Oh my god! Nobody is gonna believe this. It’s so unreal!

(FrankEinstein lumbers away, arms outstretched)

Gravedigger: Man, I’ve got to call Ollie about this!

(Gravedigger gets out his cell phone and calls Ollie.)

Gravedigger: Ollie! It’s me! Yeah…yeah I know what time it is! But you’re not gonna believe what just happened! Lightning just struck Einstein’s grave and he…..well let me finish! Lightning struck Einstein’s grave and he rose from the dead! ….You shutup! I am being serious! He rose from the dead and then just walked on out of here….No, I didn’t follow him! It was creepy as hell! Oh, and hey Ollie? This is unrelated, but Veronica kicked me out this morning and I kinda need a place to crash tonight. Would it be okay if I slept on your couch? Just for a couple of nights. I promise….Thanks, man.

(The gravedigger washes up, gets in his car and drives towards Ollie’s house. He slowly drives by the science laboratory and we see that it has been broken into)

Gravedigger: Oh man! FrankEinstein must have really missed science!

(One of the lights in the science laboratory turns on and high up in the window, we see FrankEinstein slowly wave to the gravedigger as he drives out of sight)

Gravedigger: (to himself) I feel kinda bad for that dude. There’s no way that science laboratory didn’t have an alarm. Shoot. The cops are gonna come. I mean, who wants to rise from the dead just to go to jail?

(Sirens race past the gravedigger, obviously headed toward the science laboratory.)

Gravedigger: Oh man. I knew it.

(The gravedigger turns his car around and goes to the science laboratory. He arrives in time to witnesses FrankEinstein get handcuffed and rather forcefully be put into a squad car. The police car drives away and FrankEinstein stares woefully on at the gravedigger through his rear window.)

Gravedigger: (to himself) Poor guy. He just wanted to keep learning… I wonder what’s going to happen to him. Shoot. I better get on over to Ollie’s. I’m beat!

(The gravedigger arrives at Ollie’s house and falls asleep on his couch. When he wakes up it is 2:00 in the afternoon.)

Gravedigger: Time for my soaps!

(the gravedigger turns on the television and finds that his favorite soap opera is being preempted with news. The news about FrankEinstein’s arrest!)

Gravedigger: Dude!

(the camera watches the gravedigger watch television on Ollie’s couch)

TV Anchorperson: If you’re just tuning in, Einstein rose from the dead last night and broke into a science laboratory. This FrankEinstein was then arrested, and is currently being charged not only for breaking and entering, but also for war crimes because he was pretty much responsible for the atomic bomb. And while one can argue about whether or not the bombs should have been dropped, one simply can not argue that the decision wouldn’t have needed to have been made if Einstein didn’t figure out the bomb thing in the first place.

Gravedigger: Give me a break, dude! You’re making him like, the scapegoat for something that happened 60 years ago!

TV Anchorperson: We go now live to the trial.

TV Judge: How do you plead, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: Not guilty, your honor.

(The people within the courtroom gasp and then start booing)

TV Judge: Let’s just begin the trial now. I hear you’re representing yourself, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: I am.

TV Judge: I would advise against that. You may wish to utilize the experience of a lawyer.

FrankEinstein: With all due respect your honor, I am the smartest person in the world.

TV Judge: Agreed.

FrankEinstein: If I think I can represent myself, maybe you should respect that.

Gravedigger: (watching TV from Ollie’s home) That’s right, FrankEinstein! You tell that jerk!

TV Judge: Duly noted. Shall we begin?

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is because of the accused, Mr. Albert FrankEinstein, that many, many people died. His brain made it possible to make atomic bombs. These weapons have proved devastating not only in regards to human loss, but also in the tensions their mere existence has put on countries. i.e. America and the Soviet Union.

Gravedigger: This trial is crazy. I wonder if Ollie has any tuna fish.

(the gravedigger gets off the couch and finds some canned tuna. He continues to watch television as he makes himself a sandwich)

FrankEinstein: Members of the jury, I just rose from the grave last night. Imagine how excited I was. I was in the future! There was so much for me to discover! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was all bullshit because seriously, you’re trying me for a crime that didn’t break any laws.

(Gravedigger eats his sandwich and nods along to the TV as FrankEinstein talks.)

FrankEinstein: Look. I’m alive. I’ve risen from the dead and it’s strange but here I am. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t have broken into the science laboratory. That was my fault. That was my mistake. But I was just so interested to see what people have discovered since I died! My heart has always been with science, and I hope you can empathize with my curiosity.

Gravedigger: (to himself) I should do something for Ollie, since he’s putting me up. Maybe buy him groceries or pizza or something.

(The gravedigger continues watching TV)

FrankEinstein: Am I really to be tried for war crimes just because I’m so smart that I’m responsible for the atomic bomb? Please, people. Please. I didn’t drop the bomb.

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Well you’re at least an accessory!

Thursday:

Gravedigger: FrankEinstein, hop into my sidecar! Quickly!

(FrankEinstein gets into the sidecar of the gravedigger’s motorcycle. The two speed off, with the police in chase.)

FrankEinstein: You! You’re that gravedigger! What are you doing here?

Gravedigger: There’s no time to explain! But I was interested in your case and I watched it in it’s entirety at my friend’s house. I was on your side the whole time, and when they found you guilty I just couldn’t believe it. They were going to execute you for something that wasn’t your fault at all! So I asked my friend Ollie if he’d help me rescue you. He’s the friend whose house I’ve been staying at. Even though he was on your side, he didn’t want to risk helping you. I hope you can forgive him for that, it’s just that he’s got a wife, two kids, and a job, and he just couldn’t risk losing them. I was mad about his refusal to help at first, and we fought for awhile. But then I saw his point. But I couldn’t rescue you by myself, I didn’t even own a motorcycle, let alone one with a sidecar. But I knew somebody who did. My ex-girlfriend Veronica. We had been living together for about six months – it’s common in this day and age – and things hadn’t been going well. She didn’t think I had any drive. She kicked me out the day you rose from the grave, and I didn’t know how to get her back. But when I saw you were going to be executed so they could have a scapegoat, it didn’t even matter that we had a past. I just went to her place, rung the doorbell, and said, “I need to borrow your motorcycle with the sidecar so I can rescue FrankEinstein.” She just looked at me for a second smiled, hugged me and kissed me, and gave me the keys.

FrankEinstein: Well I thank you.

Gravedigger: No problem, man! Where do you want to go?

(FrankEinstein draws a gun and holds it to the gravedigger’s head)

FrankEinstein: Take me to the science laboratory. I need equipment to build an atomic bomb. I’m going to drop it on people.

Gravedigger: But…I was sure you were innocent!

FrankEinstein: Well I fooled you. It was easy for me. I’m the smartest man in the world Now take me to the science laboratory. Take me there before I blow your head off!

Lava Your Fellow Man

Los Angeles:

Bruce: Hey, let’s play that game where the floor is lava.

Tammy: But the floor really is lava! Lookout!

(The couch Bruce is standing on melts into the floor. Bruce screams and tries to jump to a neighboring chair, but he doesn’t quite make it. His hands grasp the chair while his legs dissolve in the lava, catching the rest of his body on fire.)

Bruce: (Screams)

Tammy: Hold on, Bruce! I’m coming! Just hold on!

Bruce: (Continues screaming)

(Tammy attempts to jump over to Bruce but she misses her jump and falls into the lava. She is consumed with fire and sinks amid screams of terror. Bruce is in too much pain to notice. His hands slip off the chair and he too is lost to the lava. The lava then disappears, leaving only the smoldering ashes of Bruce and Tammy)

Thursday:

Detective Ham Johnson: Two piles of ash. Two dead teenagers. This pile here used to be Tammy Pine. Cheerleader. Star of her soccer team. And this pile here used to be Bruce Jordan, skateboarder and high school math wiz. It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame. These kids are the ninth and tenth victims of whoever is sick enough to do this. Someone is burning these kids alive, and if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to figure out whom!

Detective Roberts: I’ve got to get going.

Detective Ham: Talk to you later. I’m going to ask around town and see if I can’t get any leads. Somebody somewhere knows what’s been burning these kids.

Later:

(Detective Ham Johnson is riding his car home after questioning somebody at night. Suddenly a car appears next to him that tries to drive him off the road. At first Detective Ham Johnson can’t see who’s driving the other car, but just before he drives off a cliff, he sees a glowing blob of lava in the driver’s seat. When his car drives off a cliff, Detective Ham Johnson believes that he is dead for sure. But he isn’t because the car lands on the wing of a Boeing 747 airplane that was flying too close to the cliff.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava!

(Detective Ham Johnson collects his thoughts)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava did it. Lava killed those kids and then tried to kill me when my questions started digging too deep. And Lava thinks it’s gotten away with it too, as I’d be dead if I didn’t land on this 747 here. When this plane lands, I’m going to drive back here and confront Lava. No doubt it will be surprised to find me very much alive.

(Detective Ham Johnson remains on the wing of the 747, and we see the gorgeous countryside fly by underneath him as the plane flies all the way to Charlotte, North Carolina. Once the plane stops, Detective Ham Johnson drives off the wing of the plane and lands safely)

Detective Ham Johnson: Damn it! To stop Lava I’ve got to drive all the way from Charlotte to Los Angeles! Looks like I’m in for one hell of a road trip.

(Detective Ham Johnson puts the pedal to the metal. His Mazda 323 lurches forward)

Detective Ham Johnson: Wooo-eee! I’ve got to drive fast if I’m going to stop Lava from killing more kids.

(Suddenly there is a clunking sound and then steam begins to rise from the hood of Detective Ham Johnson’s Mazda)

Detective Ham Johnson: No! How am I going to get to L.A. now?!

(Airport mechanic Dud Burls approaches Detective Ham Johnson and his broken down car)

Dud Burls: I can fix that!

(Dud Burls uses his wrench and fixes the car)

Detective Ham Johnson: Thanks. I’m trying to catch a killer in Los Angeles that is Lava. I’m worried my car will break down. Would you mind accompanying me on the trip?

Dud Burls: I’d be honored. Let’s go get this killer

(Detective Ham Johnson and Dud Burls travel together, but for some reason the Mazda breaks down again in the Blue Ridge Mountains and Dud Burls can’t fix it. Dud Burls leads them through the mountains and eventually they stumble upon an old wooden shack.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Look! A house!

Dud Burls: Yes. Let’s go inside. Maybe they have food and water. I’ll go in first to check and see if it’s safe.

(Dud Burls goes into the shack. Detective Ham Johnson waits outside for ten minutes until Dud Burls returns.)

Dud Burls: Hey! Nobody’s here! Come on in

Detective Ham Johnson: Hey, while you were inside I noticed this mailbox! It says “McCoys.”

Dud Burls: That’s strange. Come on inside.

Later:

Detective Ham Johnson: I’ll just clean up while Dud Burls is hunting. I know he told me not to, but still.

(Detective Ham Johnson cleans up under Dud Burls’ bed and finds a picture. The picture is labled “McCoy Family Portrait” and clearly identifiable in the picture is Lava and Dud Burls.)

Detective Ham Johnson: This is like the big reveal!

(Dud Burls comes home and Detective Ham Johnson tries to hide the picture)

Dud Burls: I’m gonna break your knees!

Kill It and Clean It 1

Man: Have you heard of the story of the minotaur? The creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man?

Wilton Tadsel: Oh…Yeah, I think so…It’s Greek, right? That’s a scary story!

Man: (takes of man-mask and reveals that he’s got this bull head) It’s real!

Wilton: What the –

Minotaur: (Bellows)

(Wilton runs away but the Minotaur chases him through the Quizno’s. Wilton is just about to be gored by the Minotaur, but the Minotaur slips on a spilled drink. Wilton then runs outside the store and into the bathroom of a grocery store across the street. The Minotaur, slow to get up, goes to the grocery store and starts looking up and down the grocery aisles for Wilton.)

Minotaur: Wilton…where are you?! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna…

(The Minotaur suddenly falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. One of the surrounding grocery store customers calls the police to report the seizure. After a few minutes, the Minotaur rises. He is dazed, weak, and shaken. Still, he jumps up on top of the cereal aisle and it’s no big deal.)

Minotaur: Hey everyone! Listen! Nobody is going to believe this! I just had a vision! I had a vision during that seizure just now!

(sirens approach)

Minotaur: Shit! Somebody called the cops!

(The Minotaur jumps down from the cereal aisle and runs out the back of the grocery store. Just as he leaves, a detective enters the store.)

Detective Sandjansen: Somebody said there was a Minotaur in here?

Customer: Yes! He had a –

Detective Sandjansen: Grand mal seizure?

Customer: Yes! How did you know?

Detective Sandjansen: It’s happening everywhere. Minotaurs everywhere are having grand mal seizures and waking up with visions.

Customer: What kind of visions are they having?

Detective Sandjansen: If I knew the answer to that question, this case would be closed!

(Detective Sandjansen falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. Customers scream, doubly disturbed because this just happened with a minotaur only moments ago.)

Customer: You’re a Minotaur!

Detective Sandjansen: I am a police officer of the law! Does it look like I have horns? Does it look like I have a bull face?

Customer: No, you look like a man.

Detective Sandjansen: Exactly. I am a man.

(Upset and dazed from all the seizure, Detective Sandjansen leaves and goes to his detective car. He drives to a park and sits alone with his thoughts)

Detective Sandjansen: Am I part Minotaur?

Meanwhile:
Barl Mensop: I just got fired from my job!

Thursday:
Terrance Stoil: A Minotaur was running around rampant in my grocery store. He was going up and down aisles, jumping up on top of the cereal aisle, and having seizures all over the floor! I want this place decontaminated, fumigated, and sanitized! And I want it done now!

Elsewhere:
Maintenance Charlie: We’re all out of sanitizer!

Later:
ABC News Anchor: A boat carrying the world’s supply of fumigation materials sank in the ocean today. Experts predict there will be no fumigation supplies for at least 8 months. In an unrelated note, America's stock of decontaminates was completely depleted following a rash of minotaur grand mal seizures!

Back at the Grocery Store:
Terrance Stoil: Damn it all to fucking hell! There was a Minotaur in my grocery store! We’ve got to sanitize this place! We’ve got to find a way!

Lackey: But boss! There ain’t no sanitizers, decontaminates, or fumigation supplies! They all gone! We can’t clean nothin’!

Terrance Stoil: Then we make our own cleaning supplies. Get the fuck out of my way. We're gonna do this.

Saving Time

It is the year 70 Million B.C. Cave men rule the world. Cave man Manosaur should be happy. He has 5 children and 1 loving cave wife. Still, his life is empty and unfulfilling and he doesn’t know why. Then, one day, as he out hunting for raptors, he sees a sudden flash. He goes to investigate, and he finds a large metal box.

Manosaur: What is this?

(Manosaur knocks on the box and suddenly the box opens. Derrick, a man from the year 2009 steps out)

Derrick: Where is Jesus?

Manosaur: Who is Jesus?

Derrick: “Who’s Jesus?” Oh no! What year is this?

Manosaur: What do you mean?

Derrick: The unthinkable has happened! I’ve gone too far back in time!

Manosaur: Back in time? Where are you from?

Derrick: Not where, my caveman friend. When. I’m from the year 2009 A.D.

Manosaur: But that’s impossible! That’s over 70 million years from now!

Derrick: Precisely. And unfortunately, it was a one-way trip. I sacrificed living in the future to meet Jesus.

Manosaur: But why? What’s so great about Jesus?

Derrick: Hmmmm….What is your name, cave man?

Manosaur: Manosaur. And may I ask your name?

Derrick: I’m Derrick. And Manosaur? I think I can help you.

Through the rest of Act 1 and all of Act 2, Derrick teaches Manosaur the word of the Bible. He tells him about the great flood that will occur, and about Samson and David and Goliath and most beautiful of all, he tells Manosaur about Jesus and how after 70 million years, he will release Manosaur from the tortures of hell. Through it all, Manosaur is enraptured, and is saddened only by the fact that he will not live long enough to meet Jesus.

Derrick: I know what you mean, Manosaur. I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to meet Him too, so bad that I gave up all of the comforts of the year 2009 in order to do so. But it wasn’t meant to be. Still, even if I couldn’t meet Him, I’m glad I was given the opportunity to bring His word to you and your cave family.

Manosaur: Look out, a triceratops!

(A triceratops runs towards Derrick and Manosaur stops it by throwing a spear through its eye and into its small brain)

Derrick: You…you saved my life, Manosaur.

Manosaur: That’s nothing. You saved my soul.

Derrick: I guess I did.

Manosaur: Derrick, do you ever wonder that you’ll change the future by being in the past?

Derrick: No.

Manosaur: See that baby raptor? Kill it for me. I want to see something.

(Derrick steps on the baby raptor and kills it and then as soon as he does he has long sharp teeth and pink curly hair)

Manosaur: You look hilarious!

Derrick: But as far as I know, I’ve always looked like this!

Manosaur: Exactly. Anyway, let’s talk about Jesus.

Derrick: Who?

Manosaur: Jesus! The son of God! The Jesus who’ll die for your sins in 70 million years!

Derrick: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that I came back in time to play baske–

Manosaur: No! You came back in time to see Jesus! But then you stepped on a baby raptor and now you don’t even know who He is!!

Derrick: Teach me.

Manosaur: I will. It all starts with this book. (Manosaur begins reading from the Bible)

Derrick: This…this seems right.

Manosaur preaches the Word to Derrick, and it is strange because originally Derrick taught Manosaur. When Manosaur finally finishes teaching Derrick about Jesus, suddenly Derrick's hair and teeth go back to normal and the baby raptor springs back to life.

Derrick: Manosaur, I might have saved your soul, but you saved my life AND my soul.

Manosaur: It was nothing. Come on. I want to show you this thing I invented. I call it “fire.”

Derrick: (laughs) Fire, huh? I think I’ve heard of it. It’s going to be big.

Manosaur: (laughs)

Credits

Say the Magic Word

Wizard: Hello, audience. I am about to say something that will surprise you. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is. Everyone is magic. Yes, even you there in the front. Unfortunately, the magic is locked inside you and chances are, you will never unlock it. Most people live their whole lives completely magic free. After all, a person’s magic can only be unlocked if they utter their magic word, and the word is unique for each person. I myself was lucky enough to say my magic word as a toddler. For me, it was the word “vinvinvinvinvinbatj.” Ever since that day I can do all the magic I want. I’m one of the lucky ones. Come with me, won’t you, as I tell you the story of another soul who unlocked his magic.

Scene: House

12 year-old Ted: Woah! This book says that if I somehow say my magic word, I’ll unlock the magic inside of me. Baploapah! (waits) No, that didn’t seem to do it.

Ted: Neereemincho! Hmmm…nope. Telebaponono! Not that one either. Wow. This is harder than I thought.

Ted: Chrynzimatin! Pluntunree! Zakanojandat! Fjchelbichuck! Darn it! What’s the word?!

Ted’s Mom: Honey? What are you shouting about?

Ted: I’m trying to find my magic word, Mom. Everybody has one and if you say it, if you figure out what yours is, you can do magic!

Ted’s Mom: Yanolaopz!

Ted: Dyclepticip! Helepoastopq!

Ted’s Mom: Ryepzosp! Maoeopalso! Gee, Ted. I still haven’t got it. I guess if it was easy everybody would be a wizard, huh?

Ted: I guess so. Salpchonostrobapox! There’s so many combinations, Mom. I wish…I wish dad were still alive. He’d be able to figure out his word just like that.

Ted’s Mom: I know, Honey. He was always good at that kind of stuff, wasn’t he?

Ted: Yeah... I miss him… Lestoyzelkoff!

Ted’s Mom: Ioqdosvspolav! Xlaoqplblmcnoeiuf!

(The next day)

Ted: Tauaexzyhnslk!

Ted’s Mom: You’re gonna be late for school, Ted. Come on, go catch your bus.

Ted: I’m going, I’m going. Repoiumnhic!

(Ted leaves)

Ted’s Mom: Garlalyoniliafi! (to herself) This is frustrating, but if I get it I just know it’ll be worth it! Opzbmeilkukjer!

Scene: Ted’s School

Ted’s Friend: What’s with all the weird sounds, Ted?

Ted: I read that each person has a word and if they say it, it will unlock their magic powers.

Ted’s Friend: That sounds hard. Wempoiguvelcon! Did it work? Am I magic yet?

Ted: I don’t think so, Friend. I think that when you say it, you’ll know. Farlpobwajibil!

Ted’s Friend: That one MUST have been it! Do you feel magic, Ted?

Ted: No. It’s really hard, Friend. My mom and I were trying to do it all last night. We want to bring my dad back.

Ted’s Friend: Habernamshackle!

Ted: Mirdirnimbleshimpadoo!

Ted’s Friend: Twanvonoshow!

Ted: Quandejimbabbonostrousamble!

Ted’s Friend: Teatambamram! I did it! That was it! I’m magic

Ted: Really? Good job, Friend! That’s awesome! Do some magic!

Ted’s Friend: I can’t do it when you’re watching.

Ted: Friend, did you really unlock your magic?

(Ted’s Friend runs off crying. In the distance, we hear him say “Eapmdabxoxl!” and “Ullahavanosis” and then sob even harder)

Ted: Amderloosetj!

(Meanwhile)

Ted’s Mom: Eyptoamget! Obonobojajam!

At the end of the film, Ted finally stumbles upon his magic word. A blinding orange glow envelopes him, and when it fades Ted has a grey beard and a wizard hat and wizard robes.

Ted’s Mom: You did it! I’m so proud of you! Dad would have been so proud of you! What was it, Honey? What was your magic-unlocking word?

Ted: It was “Love,” Mom. It was “Love.”

Ted’s Mom: Of course. Are you…can you bring Daddy back now? I want us to be a family again.

Ted: Mom…Mom we’re already a family.

Ted’s Mom: (crying) Oh Ted. I just miss your father so much! Can’t you bring him back?

Ted: I love you mom, but I can’t. It’s just us now. We have to accept that. And anyway, that kind of magic takes the power of two wizards.

Ted’s Mom: Jylamopalogis! Kapnalonquist! Xandolobontamont! Oplinbagochambz! Appadapganoibstra!

Ted: (crying) Mom…let it go, Mom. I love you. We’re gonna be okay, Mom.

Ted’s Mom: …

Ted: Mom?

Ted’s Mom: Tapibakvonoink!

Credits