Whither the Wizard?

Scene: An old rickety mansion that is lit by oil lamps. It is the year 1944. A group of distinguished people have all just arrived

Mr. Galton: Thank you all for coming.

Tess Moonbloom: But why are we here? Why have we been summoned? Who are you?

Mr. Galton: You may call me Mr. Galton, and you are here because one of you…in this very room…is a magical Wizard.

Clyde Banter: Ha! That’s preposterous!

Orson Frock: I agree. My apologies, gentlemen, I didn’t realize this would be such a clear waste of time. I must be leaving.

Mr. Galton: Yes. Precisely the words a wizard would say.

Orson Frock: I see. You’re saying I’m the wizard?

Mr. Galton: No. But you very well might be. And your urgency to leave certainly raises suspicions.

Tess Moonbloom: Yes…yes it does….He is a wizard! Kill him!

Mr. Galton: Kill him? I believe a magical wizard would suggest that as well.

Tess Moonbloom: But I’m not a wizard!

Orson Frock: She’s the wizard! Kill her!

Mr. Galton: Mr. Frock, I have just stated that suggesting we kill a wizard is something a wizard would do. When combined with your other statement about leaving, you are up to two wizard points. Tess, you’re at one wizard point. Everyone else: zero.

Diana Ellington: I’m speechless! Speechless!

Mr. Galton: I should hope that’s not true, Mrs. Ellington. For if you are the wizard, being speechless would leave you unable to cast spells.

Diana Ellington: So now you’re accusing me? How many points am I at?

Mr. Galton: Is that a peacock feather in your hat?

Diana Ellington: …Yes.

Mr. Galton: You’re at 1 wizard point.

Diana Ellington: Absurd.

Mr. Galton: 2 wizard points! You see, I’m afraid I’m accusing everyone here of magical wizardry. While only one of you is a true magical wizard, despite my best efforts I’ve not been able to determine who.

(Mr. Galton hovers a foot off of the ground)

Tess Moonbloom: Mr. Galton! You’re…you’re floating!

Mr. Galton: What?! Who’s doing this?! Who’s making me float?! Whoever it is, this is worth 5 wizard points!!

(Mr. Galton continues to hover, flailing his arms and feet, but still unable to touch the ground)

Mr. Galton: Stop it right now or God help me, when I find out who did this it will be worth 10 wizard points!

(Mr. Galton falls to the ground, shaken but otherwise unharmed)

Mr. Galton: Was that you, Mr. Banter? Were you making me float? You’ve been awfully quiet lately.

Clyde Banter: It wasn’t me, Mr. Galton. I’m just been trying to keep quiet. I don’t want any wizard points.

Mr. Galton: Very wise, Mr. Banter. I like that. But was it wise like a wizard? Because that I don’t like!

Clyde Banter: It was wise like a man!

Mr. Galton: Very well. No points. Nevertheless, as my floating has clearly proven, magical wizards are real and there is one among us right now. By the end of the night, I promise you we will know who it is.

Later, in the parlor with the red leather chairs

Mr. Galton: No, Mr. Banton. You currently have only 3 wizard points. That is not what I find worrisome. What I find worrisome is the fact that you have 14, Mr. Banton, Fourteen Dracula points!

Clyde Banter: I just can’t win with you, can I, Mr. Galton?

Mr. Galton: 15 Dracula points! It’s three o’clock in the morning. The sun will be coming up in a few hours. And maybe that doesn’t scare our mysterious wizard, but I bet it scares you, doesn’t it Mr. Dracula?

Clyde Banter: Please. Don’t call me that.

Mr. Galton: Very well.

Later, in the ballroom with the checkerboard floor

Tess Moonbloom: Do tell us, Mr. Galton. How did you come to believe that the wizard was one of us?

Mr. Galton: A note was left on my doorstep. It said so right on it.

Diana Ellington: A note? Let me see it.

Mr. Galton: No. I lost it.

Diana Ellington: You lost it? I don’t believe you. You know what I think? I think there never was a note, Mr. Galton. I think we’re here at the whim of a madman.

Mr. Galton: Mind reading! That’s 4 wizard points! You’re up to 11 wizard points now, Mrs. Ellington! I suggest you watch it.

Orson Frock: I just want to go home!

Mr. Galton: No one’s going home! No! Everyone’s staying right here. With me. There’s a wizard in this house. We’re going to find him. And, if while we’re looking for him we all become friends, would that really be so bad?

Tess Moonbloom: What are you saying, Mr. Galton?

Mr. Galton: (sighs) I guess…I guess what I’m saying is… wizard hunting doesn’t have to be such lonely work. I just want to be friends with you.

(A fireball starts to form out of thin air. Then it goes away without doing anything)

Orson Frock: Mr. Galton, how can we be friends with you? We’ve known you for a total of 5 hours, and the entire time you’ve just been accusing us of magical wizardry.

Mr. Galton: My apologies, Orson. Can I call you Orson? Allow me to explain. You see, if someone gave you the chance to be a wizard, wouldn’t you take it? Understand - You wouldn’t have to be a bad wizard. You could be a good one. My meaning is that wizards can fly and make fireballs and enchant things and all of those things sound very enticing! Personally, I think being accused of magical wizardry is more of a compliment than anything else. I apologize for any misunderstanding Orson, but I’ve been trying to compliment you – and all of the other guests – for these last 5 hours.

Clyde Banter: Mr. Galton? Thank you.

Diana Ellington: Yes. Thank you.

Tess Moonbloom: Mr. Galton? It’s me. I’m the magical wizard.

Mr. Galton: 10 wizard points! Kill her! She’s the devil’s spawn!

Later, in the billiard room with floating daggers waiting outside every door:

Mr. Galton: We’re overmatched! The only one who can defeat her is Dracula!

Clyde Banter: I keep telling you, Mr. Galton! I am not Dracula!

Mr. Galton: Another Dracula point! That’s 17 points now, Clyde.

Clyde Banter: Mr. Galton, I can’t suddenly become a Dracula just because you choose to give me Dracula points.

Mr. Galton: Then we’re doomed.

Goonies II

Scene: Astoria

(A thirty-seven year old man whips his head to the camera. His eyes are wide and frightened. Wordlessly, he takes a puff from his inhaler.)

Mikey: Run for it!

(The camera pulls back to reveal a group of 7 other people. They turn to see what Mikey is looking at, and then they too start screaming and running from the unseen menace)

Brand: Why does this always happen, with you, Mikey!!

Mikey: Everybody! Over here! I found a cave!

(the group follows Mikey into the dark cave, and we see Jake Fratelli Jr. hurry by the the cave. He's holding a Tommy Gun and is followed by 3 other mobsters.)

Mouth: It's too dark to see. I don't suppose any of you jerk-offs got a flashlight?

Data: I have flashlight! Look! Look! New invention! (A flashlight springs from a mechanism in Data's chest) Look! We see now! I save day with flashlight!

Stef: Wow. Who knew you'd come in useful.

Mikey: Um…guys?-

Data: Hey! I come in useful all the time! All the time! You just jealous of my inventions!

Mikey: Guys?

Chunk: What is it, Mikey?

Mikey: Shine the light over here!

(Data shines the light towards Mikey's voice and reveals a skeleton clutching a map)

All: Scream!

Mikey: (puffs his inhaler) What's this it's holding! It looks like a map!

(Mikey pulls the map from the skeleton's hands)

Mikey: Um…guys? Remember 22 years ago?

Andy: When we saved our parents houses with pirate treasure? And the pirate ship sailed off to sea? What about it?

Mikey: (puffs inhaler) Well… I think One-Eyed Willie left us a present. Look!

(The group hovers over the map with Data's flashlight shining on it. It's the treasure map of Two-Eyed-Jimmie, Willie's tougher, more sinister, richer pirate brother.)

Sloth: Rocky…ROAD?

Chunk: You're right, Sloth. I'm sure finding this treasure will be a rocky road.

Mikey: But we gotta do it, right guys? We're Goonies! Once a Goonie, always a Goonie! Goonie's never say "die!"

Brand: Goonies? That was 22 years ago, Mikey. Come on. Finding this treasure would be far too dangerous.

Mikey: We're Goonies, Brad. We'll always be Goonies. And maybe our houses aren't in danger… this time. But in this cave it's OUR time. It's OUR time in here. And right now maybe we're all successful adults, but we're not rich. None of us are rich. And wouldn't you like to be rich, Mouth?

Mouth: Yeah, I could get that car.

Mikey: Wouldn't you like to be rich, Andy?

Andy: Yeah, I could get that necklace.

Mikey: And wouldn't you like to be rich, Sloth?

Sloth: SLOTH!

Mikey: 22 years ago, we let One-Eyed-Willie keep his gold. Now, he's repaying us! Don't you see that? He's led us to his brother's treasure map. And I know it won't be easy, guys. But we're Goonies. We've been through this before. We've already proven ourselves worthy. I want to be rich. I want us all to be rich. (puffs inhaler) Now who's with me?

All: I'm!

Chunk: But Jake Fratelli Jr. and his mobsters are after us! We're gonna have to find the treasure with them right on our tails.

Stef: Just like old times.

Mouth: You were kissing me in old times. You want to do that again?

Stef: Ugh. Don't make me barf, Mouth.


Thursday:

Chunk: Mikey? You've been a Fratelli brother this whole time?

Mikey: Of course. How do you think Jake Fratelli Jr. found you jerk-offs in the first place? I've been spying on you for 22 years, biding my time and waiting for the perfect opportunity. Now put the gun down or I shoot the Sloth. (puffs inhaler)


Later:

Data: I wish I could invent something to save you, Chunk

Chunk: (coughs blood) I wish that too, old friend.

Sloth: CHUNK!!!

Say the Magic Word

Wizard: Hello, audience. I am about to say something that will surprise you. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is. Everyone is magic. Yes, even you there in the front. Unfortunately, the magic is locked inside you and chances are, you will never unlock it. Most people live their whole lives completely magic free. After all, a person’s magic can only be unlocked if they utter their magic word, and the word is unique for each person. I myself was lucky enough to say my magic word as a toddler. For me, it was the word “vinvinvinvinvinbatj.” Ever since that day I can do all the magic I want. I’m one of the lucky ones. Come with me, won’t you, as I tell you the story of another soul who unlocked his magic.

Scene: House

12 year-old Ted: Woah! This book says that if I somehow say my magic word, I’ll unlock the magic inside of me. Baploapah! (waits) No, that didn’t seem to do it.

Ted: Neereemincho! Hmmm…nope. Telebaponono! Not that one either. Wow. This is harder than I thought.

Ted: Chrynzimatin! Pluntunree! Zakanojandat! Fjchelbichuck! Darn it! What’s the word?!

Ted’s Mom: Honey? What are you shouting about?

Ted: I’m trying to find my magic word, Mom. Everybody has one and if you say it, if you figure out what yours is, you can do magic!

Ted’s Mom: Yanolaopz!

Ted: Dyclepticip! Helepoastopq!

Ted’s Mom: Ryepzosp! Maoeopalso! Gee, Ted. I still haven’t got it. I guess if it was easy everybody would be a wizard, huh?

Ted: I guess so. Salpchonostrobapox! There’s so many combinations, Mom. I wish…I wish dad were still alive. He’d be able to figure out his word just like that.

Ted’s Mom: I know, Honey. He was always good at that kind of stuff, wasn’t he?

Ted: Yeah... I miss him… Lestoyzelkoff!

Ted’s Mom: Ioqdosvspolav! Xlaoqplblmcnoeiuf!

(The next day)

Ted: Tauaexzyhnslk!

Ted’s Mom: You’re gonna be late for school, Ted. Come on, go catch your bus.

Ted: I’m going, I’m going. Repoiumnhic!

(Ted leaves)

Ted’s Mom: Garlalyoniliafi! (to herself) This is frustrating, but if I get it I just know it’ll be worth it! Opzbmeilkukjer!

Scene: Ted’s School

Ted’s Friend: What’s with all the weird sounds, Ted?

Ted: I read that each person has a word and if they say it, it will unlock their magic powers.

Ted’s Friend: That sounds hard. Wempoiguvelcon! Did it work? Am I magic yet?

Ted: I don’t think so, Friend. I think that when you say it, you’ll know. Farlpobwajibil!

Ted’s Friend: That one MUST have been it! Do you feel magic, Ted?

Ted: No. It’s really hard, Friend. My mom and I were trying to do it all last night. We want to bring my dad back.

Ted’s Friend: Habernamshackle!

Ted: Mirdirnimbleshimpadoo!

Ted’s Friend: Twanvonoshow!

Ted: Quandejimbabbonostrousamble!

Ted’s Friend: Teatambamram! I did it! That was it! I’m magic

Ted: Really? Good job, Friend! That’s awesome! Do some magic!

Ted’s Friend: I can’t do it when you’re watching.

Ted: Friend, did you really unlock your magic?

(Ted’s Friend runs off crying. In the distance, we hear him say “Eapmdabxoxl!” and “Ullahavanosis” and then sob even harder)

Ted: Amderloosetj!

(Meanwhile)

Ted’s Mom: Eyptoamget! Obonobojajam!

At the end of the film, Ted finally stumbles upon his magic word. A blinding orange glow envelopes him, and when it fades Ted has a grey beard and a wizard hat and wizard robes.

Ted’s Mom: You did it! I’m so proud of you! Dad would have been so proud of you! What was it, Honey? What was your magic-unlocking word?

Ted: It was “Love,” Mom. It was “Love.”

Ted’s Mom: Of course. Are you…can you bring Daddy back now? I want us to be a family again.

Ted: Mom…Mom we’re already a family.

Ted’s Mom: (crying) Oh Ted. I just miss your father so much! Can’t you bring him back?

Ted: I love you mom, but I can’t. It’s just us now. We have to accept that. And anyway, that kind of magic takes the power of two wizards.

Ted’s Mom: Jylamopalogis! Kapnalonquist! Xandolobontamont! Oplinbagochambz! Appadapganoibstra!

Ted: (crying) Mom…let it go, Mom. I love you. We’re gonna be okay, Mom.

Ted’s Mom: …

Ted: Mom?

Ted’s Mom: Tapibakvonoink!

Credits