The Point .08 Killer

HARRY: My hot rod is crashed because of that stupid wall.

JACK: No it is because you DRUNK DRIVE!

HARRY: Shut up! I’m a good driver and if I have a drink it is okay!

JACK: That is crazy! You almost died in the car reck! Open your eyes and see!

HARRY: Shut up!

JACK: No I won’t shut up until you realize that sooner or later your going to KILL somebody when you drink and drive.

HARRY: If you won’t shut up then I am going to kill you in your sleep!

JACK: Well you won’t be able to because I won’t sleep until you are dead!

HARRY: It is impossible to not sleep forever. If you wait until I die you will accidentally fall asleep and when you do I will know and I will kill you

JACK: DON’T YOU SEE?! YOU WILL DIE SOON BECAUSE YOU DRUNK TOO MUCH!!

HARRY: I AM NOT TO DRUNK TO FIRE THIS GUN IN YOUR FACE!

JACK: HA! You can’t. I am not asleep yet.

HARRY: But when you do sleep I will kill you then.

JACK: Agreed.

**when HARRY walks away it is revealed that JACK is also carrying a gun and he shoots HARRY in the back with it**

HARRY: You shot me. But I thought you were going to wait.

JACK: HAHA. I did wait. I waited for you to turn around. And then I did shoot you.

HARRY: Why did you murder me?

JACK: Because don’t you now? My grandpa was killed by a drunk driver! Now I kill drunk drivers.

HARRY: Your vigilante!

JACK: Yes I vigilanteed your ass. Now go to hell, drunk driver mother effer.

**HARRY dies and JACK laughs**

JACK: HAHAHA! That is one less drunk drive for the world to worry about. But what is sad is that I also am alcholholic.

**JACK leaves and goes to a tavern and gets drunk**

BARTENDER: Hello JACK. Where is HARRY?

JACK: I don’t know. Maybe he was trying to drive home drunk and he died.

BARTENDER: Like when you drove drunk home and killed your GRANDPA?!!!!

The Dead Space

The setting is Ryfle and Rue are floating in space and they are wearing regular clothes and not space suit clothes.

Ryfle McClanahan: We have been been in space for a long time!!

Rue Shahtguhn: Yes. Who knew that people can breath in the vacuum of space???

Ryfle: Nobody did at all.

Rue: Unfortunately there is something wrong.

Ryfle: Oh no!! What is wrong???

Rue: I'll tell you. We froze to death millions of years ago.

Ryfle: You mean we are ghosts???

Rue: Yes that is exactly what I mean. Even though we are closer to the sun while we are floating in space it is still cold too cold to live.

Ryfle: Yes, you are right. It is obvious that ghosts are real and that we are some of them.

Rue: Oh no do you know what that means???

Ryfle: Tell me.

Rue: It means that we are going to float in space forever because can ghosts die??? No.

Ryfle: Oh no you are right.

Rue: Right as rain.

Ryfle: I miss rain because it doesn't rain in space.

Rue: Except it rains meteors!!

Ryfle: Hahahahaha! Good joke, Rue!!!

Rue: Thank you, Ryfle.

Ryfle: Here is a question. Is it ture that when people in space become ghosts they are either a good ghost or a bad ghost???

Rue: No that is made up. It is a myth that people said on the Internet.

Ryfle: Look a black hole!!

Rue: We are getting sucked into it. It is a good thing we are already dead because a black hole would kill us.

Ryfle: You are right. Now it is interesting instead of scary.

Rue: We're getting sucked in!! I wonder whats going to happen!!!!

Ryfle: Scientists have a theory about what happens. Lets see if their right!!!

Rue: I'm in the black hole now and its so great because I'm alive now again and the plus cold space is okay and it doesn't kill me!!

Ryfle: They were right!!!!

Rue: And do you know what else is cool now????

Ryfle: There is more???!!!

Rue: Yes. If I paint something now it comes to life.

Ryfle: Paint us a huge spaceship that is filled with beautiful ladies. Paint us home.

Rue: That is hard to draw but I will do it. I will draw fast because now that I'm alive this black hole is starting to kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryfle: Draw as fast as you can!!!

Rue: There. All done. But I'm dead.

Ryfle: He did it. There is a spaceship with beautiful ladies. It is too bad he is dead. But I can bring him back to life by using his hand to draw himself back to life.

Rue: Thanks, Ryfle.


Ryfle: You are welcome. Seond star to the right and straight on till morn.

Rue: Yes captain.

Don't Call People

It is the year 2572 A.D. The future. The Global Warming… has been solved. The pollution …has been solved. Even the war crisis…has been solved. Yet, yet another problem is facing our nation like the deadly ferocity of a lion. That problem is called overpopulation. MIT students with 4.0s have made advances in food technology, sky houses, and space travel. Even though they did, overpopulation has made extra people something that’s bad. Because extra people means extra phone calls. The population explosion left phone lines so jammed that nobody could even call nobody. The United World of America Government was forced to take action. Immediately. And extreme circumstances called for extreme measures. So now, whenever somebody makes a call the government kills a random guy. When they do this, the person who made the call will feel guilty and won’t want to call again. Plus there will be one less person to use a phone in the future. But sometimes people still make phone calls.

Valtony is a government agent and it’s his job to kill somebody when a call is made. Whenever somebody calls somebody, he gets a random name is sent to him from Mr. Internet, who in 2572 is now a real person who can live forever. So one day Valtony gets the name of kill the United World of America’s Emperor. Something is bad about this! The Emperor’s name was supposed to not be on the list.

Valtony gets ready to kill the Emperor, but then he has a dream that says don’t. Somebody is a killer and wants Valtony to assassinate the Emperor! The name was sent to him on porpoise! But who is doing it that is the mystery. The dream was so real, so Valtony quits his job as a government agent so he can be a detective to see who tried to kill the Emperor. But to do the case Valtony has to make a ton of phone calls. People keep dying because of him and Valtony feels really crappy. Soon he finds out that the guy who is doing it is Mr. Internet!

How can Valtony stop Mr. Internet when he is a real person that knows everything? Valtony must hack into him and give him an Mr. Internet virus. Valtony goes to his Poltony and he asks him and he says that I need you to make a virus to kill Mr. Internet. Poltony went to MIT and so he starts to do it, but then he gets killed by a government agent because somebody in the world made a phone call. It was a coincidence. So then Valtony jumps out of the way of a bullet and takes the computer virus upstairs and forcefeeds it to non other than Mr. Internet. Mr. Internet gets sick and dies and its good because he wanted to rule the whole world that’s why he wanted the Emperor to die. Valtony calls the Emperor and says you’re safe, but its sad because when he called the Emperor a government agent coincidentally ended up killing his son. Meanwhile the same exact thing was happening on Mars, where humans have lived in since 2412.

Delay of Game

Scene: During a Yankee game, an alien ship descends onto the field. Yankee 3^rd baseman Morgan Ensberg steps out from the ship. The spaceship flies away.

Morgan: Hey everybody! I’m back!

Umpire: Morgan? We didn’t know you were gone!

Morgan: What do you mean you didn’t know? Who’s playing 3^rd base?

Umpire: That’s what’s so strange, Morgan…You’re!

(the camera goes to third base and sure enough, there’s Morgan Ensberg, playing catch with the shortstop)

Morgan: But that’s impossible! I’m right here!

(Morgan Ensberg stops playing catch and walks over to Morgan Ensberg)

Morgan: Hey! What’s going on?!

Morgan: That’s what I want to know.

Morgan: You look just like me!

Morgan: I guess I do. That’s so – Quick! Everybody run! There’s a werewolf on the field!

(nobody sees a werewolf)

Morgan: Morgan?

Morgan: Yeah?

Morgan: I don’t see a werewolf. Were you trying to say that you are the werewolf?

Morgan: No! Of course not! You mean…you mean you don’t see it?

Morgan: I’m sorry, no.

Morgan: That’s so weird. I guess…I guess that when the aliens took me they made it so I imagine werewolves are everywhere.

Morgan: Woah. I’m glad I’m not you.

Morgan: But you are! Look out! A werewolf!

Morgan: No. There are no werewolves.

Morgan: Hmmm.

(the crowd starts to boo)

Umpire: Can you guys talk about werewolves later? We’ve got a game going on here. Morgan, you’re needed at 3^rd base.

Morgan: I’m not going anywhere near 3^rd base. That’s werewolf country.

Morgan: He was talking to me.

Morgan: Oh. But I’m on the team too.

Morgan: Oh really? Well let me just check the roster. Let’s see, I see the name Morgan Ensberg. That’s me. I’ll check that one off. Now…le’s see…I’m looking for the name “The Morgan Ensberg Who Thinks There Are Werewolves Everywhere” That’s so strange. It’s not on here.

(Meanwhile, there’s no such thing as werewolves)

Morgan: You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Morgan: Go back to where you came from, Morgan. Go call your alien buddies and get the heck out of here. There’s only room for one Morgan Ensberg, and I’m him.

Morgan: Don’t you see? I can’t go back! They’re gone. The aliens are gone. They left and they’re not coming back. So here I am. I’m suddenly in a world that doesn’t want me. I suddenly don’t belo- Look out! It’s the wolf man!

Morgan: Somebody get him out of here.

(Security comes and takes Morgan Ensberg away)

Morgan: Don’t take me, you idiots! Take the other Morgan Ensberg! The one wearing the alien spacesuit!

(Security releases Morgan and then walks away, sullenly)

Umpire: Hey look! A full moon!

Morgan: You know, maybe I should get some psychiatric care. I’m really…I’m sorry, but it really looks like there are werewolves all over the place.

Morgan: I’m done talking to you.

Umpire: Don’t be like that, Morgan. Morgan, if you think you need psychiatric care, that’s certainly an option. Do you think we can discuss it later though? Everyone here is waiting for this baseball game to resume.

Morgan: Sure. Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Baseball’s really great and I certainly don’t want to ruin it for any fans.

Later:

Morgan: Hey Umpire?

Umpire: Yes?

Morgan: Can you get me a gun and a bunch of silver bullets?

Umpire: Why, Morgan? Why do you need them?

Morgan: I don’t wanna say.

Umpire: Morgan, I think this paranormal detective agency we’ve opened is a great idea. I think it’s going to make us a lot of money. But, if we’re going to do this, I need two things from you. First, you’re going to have to get over all of the delusions implanted into your mind by space aliens. Second, you need to invent a poltergeist killing machine that can be affordably mass produced in case we decide to market that shit.

Morgan: What if I’m too busy to do those things?

Umpire: Too busy doing what?

Morgan: Too busy playing the best damn 3^rd base of my life.

Umpire: Play ball!