The Dead Space

The setting is Ryfle and Rue are floating in space and they are wearing regular clothes and not space suit clothes.

Ryfle McClanahan: We have been been in space for a long time!!

Rue Shahtguhn: Yes. Who knew that people can breath in the vacuum of space???

Ryfle: Nobody did at all.

Rue: Unfortunately there is something wrong.

Ryfle: Oh no!! What is wrong???

Rue: I'll tell you. We froze to death millions of years ago.

Ryfle: You mean we are ghosts???

Rue: Yes that is exactly what I mean. Even though we are closer to the sun while we are floating in space it is still cold too cold to live.

Ryfle: Yes, you are right. It is obvious that ghosts are real and that we are some of them.

Rue: Oh no do you know what that means???

Ryfle: Tell me.

Rue: It means that we are going to float in space forever because can ghosts die??? No.

Ryfle: Oh no you are right.

Rue: Right as rain.

Ryfle: I miss rain because it doesn't rain in space.

Rue: Except it rains meteors!!

Ryfle: Hahahahaha! Good joke, Rue!!!

Rue: Thank you, Ryfle.

Ryfle: Here is a question. Is it ture that when people in space become ghosts they are either a good ghost or a bad ghost???

Rue: No that is made up. It is a myth that people said on the Internet.

Ryfle: Look a black hole!!

Rue: We are getting sucked into it. It is a good thing we are already dead because a black hole would kill us.

Ryfle: You are right. Now it is interesting instead of scary.

Rue: We're getting sucked in!! I wonder whats going to happen!!!!

Ryfle: Scientists have a theory about what happens. Lets see if their right!!!

Rue: I'm in the black hole now and its so great because I'm alive now again and the plus cold space is okay and it doesn't kill me!!

Ryfle: They were right!!!!

Rue: And do you know what else is cool now????

Ryfle: There is more???!!!

Rue: Yes. If I paint something now it comes to life.

Ryfle: Paint us a huge spaceship that is filled with beautiful ladies. Paint us home.

Rue: That is hard to draw but I will do it. I will draw fast because now that I'm alive this black hole is starting to kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryfle: Draw as fast as you can!!!

Rue: There. All done. But I'm dead.

Ryfle: He did it. There is a spaceship with beautiful ladies. It is too bad he is dead. But I can bring him back to life by using his hand to draw himself back to life.

Rue: Thanks, Ryfle.


Ryfle: You are welcome. Seond star to the right and straight on till morn.

Rue: Yes captain.

Delay of Game

Scene: During a Yankee game, an alien ship descends onto the field. Yankee 3^rd baseman Morgan Ensberg steps out from the ship. The spaceship flies away.

Morgan: Hey everybody! I’m back!

Umpire: Morgan? We didn’t know you were gone!

Morgan: What do you mean you didn’t know? Who’s playing 3^rd base?

Umpire: That’s what’s so strange, Morgan…You’re!

(the camera goes to third base and sure enough, there’s Morgan Ensberg, playing catch with the shortstop)

Morgan: But that’s impossible! I’m right here!

(Morgan Ensberg stops playing catch and walks over to Morgan Ensberg)

Morgan: Hey! What’s going on?!

Morgan: That’s what I want to know.

Morgan: You look just like me!

Morgan: I guess I do. That’s so – Quick! Everybody run! There’s a werewolf on the field!

(nobody sees a werewolf)

Morgan: Morgan?

Morgan: Yeah?

Morgan: I don’t see a werewolf. Were you trying to say that you are the werewolf?

Morgan: No! Of course not! You mean…you mean you don’t see it?

Morgan: I’m sorry, no.

Morgan: That’s so weird. I guess…I guess that when the aliens took me they made it so I imagine werewolves are everywhere.

Morgan: Woah. I’m glad I’m not you.

Morgan: But you are! Look out! A werewolf!

Morgan: No. There are no werewolves.

Morgan: Hmmm.

(the crowd starts to boo)

Umpire: Can you guys talk about werewolves later? We’ve got a game going on here. Morgan, you’re needed at 3^rd base.

Morgan: I’m not going anywhere near 3^rd base. That’s werewolf country.

Morgan: He was talking to me.

Morgan: Oh. But I’m on the team too.

Morgan: Oh really? Well let me just check the roster. Let’s see, I see the name Morgan Ensberg. That’s me. I’ll check that one off. Now…le’s see…I’m looking for the name “The Morgan Ensberg Who Thinks There Are Werewolves Everywhere” That’s so strange. It’s not on here.

(Meanwhile, there’s no such thing as werewolves)

Morgan: You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Morgan: Go back to where you came from, Morgan. Go call your alien buddies and get the heck out of here. There’s only room for one Morgan Ensberg, and I’m him.

Morgan: Don’t you see? I can’t go back! They’re gone. The aliens are gone. They left and they’re not coming back. So here I am. I’m suddenly in a world that doesn’t want me. I suddenly don’t belo- Look out! It’s the wolf man!

Morgan: Somebody get him out of here.

(Security comes and takes Morgan Ensberg away)

Morgan: Don’t take me, you idiots! Take the other Morgan Ensberg! The one wearing the alien spacesuit!

(Security releases Morgan and then walks away, sullenly)

Umpire: Hey look! A full moon!

Morgan: You know, maybe I should get some psychiatric care. I’m really…I’m sorry, but it really looks like there are werewolves all over the place.

Morgan: I’m done talking to you.

Umpire: Don’t be like that, Morgan. Morgan, if you think you need psychiatric care, that’s certainly an option. Do you think we can discuss it later though? Everyone here is waiting for this baseball game to resume.

Morgan: Sure. Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Baseball’s really great and I certainly don’t want to ruin it for any fans.

Later:

Morgan: Hey Umpire?

Umpire: Yes?

Morgan: Can you get me a gun and a bunch of silver bullets?

Umpire: Why, Morgan? Why do you need them?

Morgan: I don’t wanna say.

Umpire: Morgan, I think this paranormal detective agency we’ve opened is a great idea. I think it’s going to make us a lot of money. But, if we’re going to do this, I need two things from you. First, you’re going to have to get over all of the delusions implanted into your mind by space aliens. Second, you need to invent a poltergeist killing machine that can be affordably mass produced in case we decide to market that shit.

Morgan: What if I’m too busy to do those things?

Umpire: Too busy doing what?

Morgan: Too busy playing the best damn 3^rd base of my life.

Umpire: Play ball!

Blown All Up!

Mysterious Man: Good Morning, Mr. F. While you were sleeping we took the liberty of surgically implanting thousands of micro-bombs into your stomach. Isn’t that something?

Mr. F: What?!

Mysterious Man: We have given you power. The strength of these micro-bombs range from that of a grenade to that of a nuclear bomb. If all of your bombs were simultaneously detonated, you could blow up something the size of the moon.

Mr. F: You mean I’m gonna blow up?

Mysterious Man: No, Mr. F., I should hope not. You see, we have taken each micro-bomb and set its individual timer to go off only when it is most needed. I cannot tell you how we know when you will need each bomb. I can only tell you that we have the ability to see the future. Also, I can guarantee that no matter what your situation, you will have precisely enough time to place a bomb and escape unharmed. Of course, you cannot waste a second.

Mr. F: So I’m like an explosive superhero.

Mysterious Man: Yes. Or an explosive super villain. The power is yours and thus, so is the choice.

Mr. F: Wow. I can…I can do anything! Still, I think I’m going to try to be good. I’m going to try and use these micro-bombs to do things like save people and ensure justice and–

(Mr. F blows up in an incredibly massive explosion. Opening credits. As the opening credits roll, we watch a moon-sized chunk of the Earth rocket through space, hurling away from the sun. The camera zooms in on Roddy Gotham, a survivor and resident of the rocketing Earth chunk.)

Roddy: Woah! Look, there’s a new moon in the sky! Wait! Oh Gaaaahd! Nooooooooo! It’s part of Earth! But…but that means…

Victoria: What, Roddy?

Roddy: It means we’re gonna die, Victoria! It means we’re speeding through space away from the rest of the Earth! It’s going to get cold, it’s going to get dark, and then we’re going to die.

Victoria: But I don’t want to die!

Roddy: I know, Victoria. I don’t either. Not anymore. Not since I’ve found you.

Victoria: Thanks. Well, couldn’t we just build big rocket thrusters and attach them to our current chunk? Then we could jet around space and meet up with the rest of Earth!

Roddy: Yes. Yes we could! Victoria, you’re a genius! Let’s do what you just said!

Victoria: Okay!

Later:

Roddy: We’ve completed our rocket thruster! Now just call Florida and see if they’ve finished theirs!

Victoria: I did, Roddy. And they’re done. But there’s just one problem-

Roddy: NOOOOOOOO!

Victoria: Take a pill, Roddy. Geez.

(Roddy takes a pill. It is an ecstasy pill and it is illegal)

Victoria: Roddy, did you just take an illegal pill?

Roddy: Victoria, the pill I just took is illegal on Earth. Earth, Victoria. But we’re not on Earth anymore. We’re on an Earth chunk which I consider a whole new planet, a planet where the laws have changed. I’m going to call this planet Bonersaurus Rex.

Victoria: You are opening up a can of worms, Roddy!

Roddy: And I’m so high!

Victoria: Dammit Roddy! Dammit, you’ve got to snap out of it! We’ve built two enormous rocket thrusters but we didn’t think about how we’d bring them together! Each one is bigger than Mount Everest, Roddy! How are we going to move them!?

Roddy: Hmm…Well, why don’t we just build rocket thrusters on top of the other rocket thrusters and then move them that way?

Victoria: That’s so smart it just might work!

Roddy: Yeah. I’m so cold.

Victoria: Roddy? Roddy, is that you? I can’t see you, Roddy! It’s so dark!

Roddy: Yeah, Bonersaurus Rex is getting too far from the sun. We’re going to have to build the rocket thrusters for the gigantic rocket thrusters in very dim lighting!

Victoria. Dear God.

Roddy: I’m legally overdosing!

Later:

Victoria: Roddy is dead. Bonersaurus Rex may not have laws, but make no mistake: it has sorrow and it has consequence. Roddy’s overdose has doomed us all. Without him, there’s simply no way we can finish the rocket thrusters for the huge rocket thrusters.

Mayor: Who said that? I can’t see.

Victoria: I know! It’s dark and it’s cold! We’re too far from the sun, we’re all going to die.

Mayor: Hey, you think maybe we could just fire the enormous rocket thrusters where they are? I mean, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Victoria: Sure, whatever.

Mayor: I can’t find the ignition button! I can’t see!

Victoria: Well use a f***ing flashlight!

Mayor: Nevermind. I found it! Here.

(The Mayor pushes the ignition button. The enormous rocket thrusters fire, igniting everything around them in a bed of fire)

All: Scream!

Victoria: And so I die, enveloped in the fiery warmth I once longed for. SCREAM.