Thirst For Justice: 5030

Place: Earth: Year: 5030: Everything is really cold. You would get frostbite. There aren’t cities anymore because everything got covered in snow and ice. To compensate, human beings have evolved eight layers of skin and blubber to keep them warm. Now everyone looks weird and fat.

Blabono: I don’t know what to do about this heart disease!

Flabina: You could do excercises, Blabono, but if you do, be careful. If you do too much you’ll lose weight and freeze to death.

Blabono: That’s the issue plaguing our time.

Flabina: Don’t be a jackass. The real issue is-

Blabono: Saber-toothed polar bears!

Flabina: Exactly.

Blabono: No! I mean behind you! Saber-toothed polar bears!

(A bunch of saber-toothed polar bears drive up on bear-mobiles. They are brandishing Kelvin Swords, a sword that is constantly at 1 degree Kevin. The swords are really cool, and were invented by saber-toothed polar bears in the late 4990’s. As cool as they are, they are even more of one thing: Deadly. Because the Kelvin swords can instantly freeze to death anything they stab)

Flabina: Run for it!

(Flabina and Blabono run for it. Flabina gets away, but Blabono trips over the frozen and mummified body of the last Eskimo. As a result, Blabono is captured by the saber-toothed polar bears.)

Blabono: Oh no!

Sir Freezalot: We’ve captured you.

Blabono: If only there was a tree I could climb!

Sir Freezalot: Your parents are dead. We will raise you as our own. We are saber-toothed polar bears.

(From here, the movie will cut to Blabono learning the ways of Sir Freezealot his saber-toothed polar bear buddies. Blabono would learn how to catch fish with his hands, learn how to ride bear-mobiles, and learn how to wield a Kelvin sword. Also, Blabono would forget how to climb trees. Seven years would pass and Blabono would enter his early 40’s.)

Blabono: I still have this raging heart disease! (Stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. He drinks deeply from its icy-cold refreshing flavor.)

Sir Freezalot: That looks really good.

Blabono: Oh, it is. I seriously can’t believe how good it is when stabbed with a Kelvin sword and paired with this future fish we eat that you caught with your paws.

(Sir Freezalot stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. For the first time, he experiences firsthand the rush of adrenaline and joy that come compliments of every Diet Coke 8000)

Sir Freezalot: Wow. Just…wow. I must have more of this.

Blabono: I know, right? But I’m sorry, that was the last one. I just found these two bottles at the abandoned discothèque we raided. (ed. Note: adventure not shown. Saved for tie-in prequel)

Sir Freezalot: (roars!)

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar) I mean, I know that humans have more. I practically grew up on this stuff.

Sir Freezalot: Then we will take it from them.

Blabono: You mean-

Sir Freezalot: I mean war, Blabono. For 25 years we’ve lived in a restless peace with humanity. But never in that time did they tell us the pleasures of Diet Coke 8000. But they couldn’t keep that secret forever, and now we know.

Later:
Blabono: My heart disease!

Sir Freezalot: Tonight we attack. We’ll creep into their village and maul them while they sleep, using our paws so we can keep our Kelvin swords sanitary for the cool refreshing flavor in store for us.

Later:
General Fatmeyer: The alarms! They’ve sounded! Man your battle stations, men! God. I knew this day would come. Quickly, Sgt. Nutterbutter! Put the Diet Coke 8000 in the containment center!

Flabina: Sir? Nutterbutter froze to death from exercising too much.

General Fatmeyer: Then it’s up to you, Lt. Flabina. Our ability to thirst quench is in your hands.

Flabina: I won’t let you down sir.

Later:
Blabono: Hey you! Get down from that tree and give us your Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: Blabono! You’re alive! It’s me, Flabina! All these years I thought the saber-toothed polar bears had killed you! I felt so guilty!

Blabono: Flabina? I…remember. No, Flabina. They didn’t kill me. They saved me. They raised me as a saber-toothed polar bear and taught me their ways. That’s why I can’t climb that tree! Now climb down and hand over the Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: No, Blabono. I know you. I know that somewhere deep inside you is the old Blabono, the human Blabono who knows how to climb trees. Blabono?

Blabono: Yes?

Flabina: Let the old Blabono out.

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar)

Later:
(SirFreezalot and General Fatmeyer laugh, arms around each other, drinking a Kelvin sword-stabbed Diet Coke 8000 and enjoying its flavor immensely)