Drunk on Knowledge

Year: 1 Million A.D.

Place: The Future School

Teacher: Welcome to kindergarten, homo-sapiens. Time for your Liquid Lesson!

Bret: Radical!

Allison: I’m going to be smart now!

Teacher: That’s right, Allison. Boys and Girls, if this is your first time drinking a Liquid Lesson, don’t worry. They’re just drinks that program the neurons in your brain to learn whatever we want you to learn. Today we want you to learn Multiplication, so these Liquid Lessons are Multiplication Table flavored.

Girls: Gross!

Boys: Awesome!

(Teacher passes out the drinks to all of the students. Todd’s Liquid Lesson is a different color than all of the other students. His future bionic rainbow eye looks at the drink warily and with precision)

Todd: Hey, Teacher?

Teacher: What? What is it this time, Todd? And think before you speak, because my patience with you is running razor thin. You know what razors are, right Todd? Not only are they thin, but they’re extremely sharp and they can cut you.

Todd: …!

Teacher: Okay then. Everybody drink your Liquid Lesson

(Everyone in the classroom drinks their Liquid Lesson. The camera zooms in on the heads of the children and we see they are learning Multiplication Tables. Then the camera pans to Todd. Todd just drank his Liquid Lesson and guess what? He is looking really, really scared. The camera pans to his head and we see that his Liquid Lesson wasn’t Multiplication Table flavored at all. Todd drank a secret MURDER flavored Liquid Lesson. The following scene is what Todd learns)

Jim: Hey, what’s this paper I just found? Hmm. It says that if a person drinks a Liquid Lesson and lives to be 300, they will be automatically teleported to the Pan-Dimensional Neutral Zone. Then the people will be skinned alive and worn as clothing by the Alien Elite. Hey….WHA?!

Davis: I’m sorry you had to see that paper, Jim. Now I will have to murder you in secret.

Jim: No way, Davis. I wrote this paper. And I’m sorry you had to hear me read it out loud, because now I will have to murder YOU in secret.

Davis: Skedaddle!

(Jim chases Davis throughout the Liquid Lesson factory. Davis eventually hides in the factory and quietly begins creating a secret MURDER flavored Liquid Lesson. Then Jim finds Davis and he cuts his stomach out and feeds it to him. That’s the end of the lesson. The camera zooms away from Todd’s head and he’s screaming like non-stop.)

Todd: I’m just in kindergarten!

Teacher: No you’re not, Todd. Yesterday we gave you a Liquid Lesson teaching you that you were in kindergarten, but it was…inaccurate. We apologize. It was the only way. In reality, you’re a British Spy, a top agent of MI-a Million. Also, you’re 299 years old and your birthday is in three days.

Todd: That is the true lesson.

Teacher: Go for it, Todd. You’ve got a secret MURDER to solve.

Todd:(to himself) So….I’m not really in kindergarten…

Teacher: Go, Todd! Go!

Todd: Okay!

(Todd goes to the Liquid Lesson factory to look for Jim. He runs into a man wearing a false moustache, but that’s normal and very in vogue in the year 1 million A.D.)

Todd: Hello. I’m Todd, a top agent of MI-a Million. When did you last see Jim?

Mysterious Moustache Man: Never. I’ve never seen him.

Todd: But don’t you work here?

Mysterious Moustache Man: Yes I do. But still, I’ve never seen Jim. You see my friend, I am blind.

Todd: If you’re so blind, how come you’re not bumping into things and falling down?

Mysterious Moustache Man: How do you think? I took a Liquid Lesson on the factory’s layout. I have a perfect memory of where everything is.

Todd: That is so amazing.

Mysterious Moustache Man: Yeah. Also, did you know I’m in a band?

Todd: You are? Cool. No, I didn’t know that.

Mysterious Moustache Man: It’s true. Tell you what, Todd. Here. Listen to this demo tape. You seem like a really cool dude and I seriously think you’re going to like it. And, if you do like it, tell your friends at MI-a Million. Maybe my band could play for you guys at like an office retreat or something.

(The Mysterious Moustache Man gives Todd his demo tape)
Todd: That would be awesome. Thanks, man. I’ll check it out. This is cool. Thanks.

Mysterious Moustache Man: Not a problem. Catch you later, Todd. And when you’re listening, remember: a blind man sang those songs.

Todd: I will, dude. Thanks.

(Jim scurries across a corridor, waving a lit stick of future dynamite)

Todd: I see you, Jim! You’re going to pay for what you did to Davis!

(Jim throws the future dynamite at Todd. It blows up half of Todd’s head, killing him instantly. Then, amazingly, the camera zooms out from agent Larry’s Head. He is in kindergarten class, screaming, with an empty glass of Learning Liquid in front of him)

Larry: I’m only a kindergartner!

Later:

Larry: Learning Liquid can teach you a lot of things, Collette, but it can’t teach you how to love.

Collette: Yes it can. They have a love formula now.

Larry: I’ll give it to my enemies!

Later:

Mysterious Moustache Man: Hey, drink this. It’s about my demo tape.

(Collette drinks it.)

Collette: Wow. Now I LOVE your demo tape.

(Jim throws a proximity mine at Collete)