Goonies II

Scene: Astoria

(A thirty-seven year old man whips his head to the camera. His eyes are wide and frightened. Wordlessly, he takes a puff from his inhaler.)

Mikey: Run for it!

(The camera pulls back to reveal a group of 7 other people. They turn to see what Mikey is looking at, and then they too start screaming and running from the unseen menace)

Brand: Why does this always happen, with you, Mikey!!

Mikey: Everybody! Over here! I found a cave!

(the group follows Mikey into the dark cave, and we see Jake Fratelli Jr. hurry by the the cave. He's holding a Tommy Gun and is followed by 3 other mobsters.)

Mouth: It's too dark to see. I don't suppose any of you jerk-offs got a flashlight?

Data: I have flashlight! Look! Look! New invention! (A flashlight springs from a mechanism in Data's chest) Look! We see now! I save day with flashlight!

Stef: Wow. Who knew you'd come in useful.

Mikey: Um…guys?-

Data: Hey! I come in useful all the time! All the time! You just jealous of my inventions!

Mikey: Guys?

Chunk: What is it, Mikey?

Mikey: Shine the light over here!

(Data shines the light towards Mikey's voice and reveals a skeleton clutching a map)

All: Scream!

Mikey: (puffs his inhaler) What's this it's holding! It looks like a map!

(Mikey pulls the map from the skeleton's hands)

Mikey: Um…guys? Remember 22 years ago?

Andy: When we saved our parents houses with pirate treasure? And the pirate ship sailed off to sea? What about it?

Mikey: (puffs inhaler) Well… I think One-Eyed Willie left us a present. Look!

(The group hovers over the map with Data's flashlight shining on it. It's the treasure map of Two-Eyed-Jimmie, Willie's tougher, more sinister, richer pirate brother.)

Sloth: Rocky…ROAD?

Chunk: You're right, Sloth. I'm sure finding this treasure will be a rocky road.

Mikey: But we gotta do it, right guys? We're Goonies! Once a Goonie, always a Goonie! Goonie's never say "die!"

Brand: Goonies? That was 22 years ago, Mikey. Come on. Finding this treasure would be far too dangerous.

Mikey: We're Goonies, Brad. We'll always be Goonies. And maybe our houses aren't in danger… this time. But in this cave it's OUR time. It's OUR time in here. And right now maybe we're all successful adults, but we're not rich. None of us are rich. And wouldn't you like to be rich, Mouth?

Mouth: Yeah, I could get that car.

Mikey: Wouldn't you like to be rich, Andy?

Andy: Yeah, I could get that necklace.

Mikey: And wouldn't you like to be rich, Sloth?

Sloth: SLOTH!

Mikey: 22 years ago, we let One-Eyed-Willie keep his gold. Now, he's repaying us! Don't you see that? He's led us to his brother's treasure map. And I know it won't be easy, guys. But we're Goonies. We've been through this before. We've already proven ourselves worthy. I want to be rich. I want us all to be rich. (puffs inhaler) Now who's with me?

All: I'm!

Chunk: But Jake Fratelli Jr. and his mobsters are after us! We're gonna have to find the treasure with them right on our tails.

Stef: Just like old times.

Mouth: You were kissing me in old times. You want to do that again?

Stef: Ugh. Don't make me barf, Mouth.


Thursday:

Chunk: Mikey? You've been a Fratelli brother this whole time?

Mikey: Of course. How do you think Jake Fratelli Jr. found you jerk-offs in the first place? I've been spying on you for 22 years, biding my time and waiting for the perfect opportunity. Now put the gun down or I shoot the Sloth. (puffs inhaler)


Later:

Data: I wish I could invent something to save you, Chunk

Chunk: (coughs blood) I wish that too, old friend.

Sloth: CHUNK!!!

The Old Man and the Sea: Sings!

Scene: The ocean off Cuba. An old man is in a small boat, rowing out to sea. He is all alone.

Old man: (Singing)
Fishing… is what I do, it’s what I’ve done
since I was young, just a boy, a fishing pole
was my first toy.

But now…I am old, my bones are cold
And no fish sold, I have failed, I can’t believe
This ship has sailed

(Chorus)
And ohhh! I’ve gotta get row-ing out to sea!
Said oh! I know…I’ve got a prim-o date with des-tin-y!

This is my li-ife!
It’s the path I have cho-o-sen.
This is my li-ife!
Ain’t gotta fix what-I-know ain’t bro-o-ken.

Fish it!

(key/tempo change)
Et-cet-er-aaaa!!!

Old Man: It sure is lonely out here in the sea. Lonely and wet and dangerous. But today I just know I’m gonna catch a fish! I just know it!

Old Man: (singing)
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I’ve gotta dare to be-lieve
That you’re wai-ting for me
And my pole.

(the fisherman’s line goes taut, but when he reels it in, all he has is some old shoe!)
Old Man: I wondered where that went! (laughs)

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
You’ve left me a-lone for so long
And I’ve got to be strong
For the boy.

Old Man: Yes, fishies, there’s a boy at home. He such a good, loyal boy and he wants me to teach him how to fish! Can you believe that fishes? He wants me to teach him! But golly, I haven’t caught anything in forever!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I just need to come back
With a big fish on my rack.
If I could…

Old Man: I’d be a hero! I’d be the talk of the town and the boy’s parents would let him fish with me again! Yes, if I could just catch one big fish, just one, everything would be okay again!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you –

Old Man: I can’t believe it! I’ve got a bite! Oh my goodness oh my goodness! It’s a big one! Looks like this one is gonna take a bit of the old elbow grease (laughs). Come on, I can do it. I’m going to catch this fish, dag nabbit (laughs). I’m going to catch it for the boy. (struggles) Phew. I bet I know what this fish is thinking. I bet if it could talk it’d start

Old Man: (singing in a low voice)
Talking like this

Old Man: (changes his voice)
Or maybe like this.

Old Man: And what he’d say is: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty marlin
Been swimmin’-in-the-sea for years.
And I’m big and I’m stout, I was born a stubborn lout
So I can swim without no fears.

So if you think you can catch me
I hope you’re made of steel
Cause it’s a fight you’ll get, and get set to get wet
We’ll just see who’s the meal.

Old Man: And if he said that, I’d just say with: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty fisher
You’re not the first fish I’ve seen
You might say it’s my lot to have my fishing line taut.
And I’m the best that’s ever been.

Old Man: Wow! For two days I’ve been wrestling this marlin. I’m pooped! Now I just have to get back to shore. Oh no! Sharks! They’re going to eat my marlin!

Old Man: (sings)
Get back!
(get back)
Don’t steal this fish from me.

Get back!
(get back)
Your meal is not to be.

Old Man: And the sharks would sing: (sings)
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot-doooooommmmmm

Old Man: (Harpoons a shark)
Take that!
(take that)
It’s time for you to flee!

Take that!
(take that)
Go find some other sea!

(the shark dies, but has eaten some of the marlin. The old man is weak and there are more sharks coming. The rest of the one-man movie has songs of sadness, fatigue, and disbelief. The old man sings in what he believes would be the voice of the other sharks, the captured marlin, seagulls, and the unseen boy back home. The movie ends with the Old Man arriving at the shores of his home with the skeleton of the marlin. Nobody else is seen, but the Old Man sings a prophetic song about what else will happen. i.e. “Oh, people will think it’s a shark, in the dark, what a lark.”)

It's All Relativity

Scene: A cemetery at night

(It is pouring rain. The camera searches the cemetery and finally zooms to a tombstone that is shaped like the theory of relativity. Etched into the tombstone are the words “Here lies Albert Einstein: Genius and inventor of the formula that helped invent atomic bombs.” Sad music is playing but suddenly Einstein’s tomb is struck by lightning. We hear a rumbling in the ground. The music starts to get scary. Tuffs of Einstein’s trademark hair start to peak out from the ground. FrankEinstein, reanimated, rises from his grave.)

Gravedigger: Einstein? No! It can’t be! You’re dead!

FrankEinstein: You’re right! I was dead. But now I’m alive! ALIVE!!

Gravedigger: Oh my god! Nobody is gonna believe this. It’s so unreal!

(FrankEinstein lumbers away, arms outstretched)

Gravedigger: Man, I’ve got to call Ollie about this!

(Gravedigger gets out his cell phone and calls Ollie.)

Gravedigger: Ollie! It’s me! Yeah…yeah I know what time it is! But you’re not gonna believe what just happened! Lightning just struck Einstein’s grave and he…..well let me finish! Lightning struck Einstein’s grave and he rose from the dead! ….You shutup! I am being serious! He rose from the dead and then just walked on out of here….No, I didn’t follow him! It was creepy as hell! Oh, and hey Ollie? This is unrelated, but Veronica kicked me out this morning and I kinda need a place to crash tonight. Would it be okay if I slept on your couch? Just for a couple of nights. I promise….Thanks, man.

(The gravedigger washes up, gets in his car and drives towards Ollie’s house. He slowly drives by the science laboratory and we see that it has been broken into)

Gravedigger: Oh man! FrankEinstein must have really missed science!

(One of the lights in the science laboratory turns on and high up in the window, we see FrankEinstein slowly wave to the gravedigger as he drives out of sight)

Gravedigger: (to himself) I feel kinda bad for that dude. There’s no way that science laboratory didn’t have an alarm. Shoot. The cops are gonna come. I mean, who wants to rise from the dead just to go to jail?

(Sirens race past the gravedigger, obviously headed toward the science laboratory.)

Gravedigger: Oh man. I knew it.

(The gravedigger turns his car around and goes to the science laboratory. He arrives in time to witnesses FrankEinstein get handcuffed and rather forcefully be put into a squad car. The police car drives away and FrankEinstein stares woefully on at the gravedigger through his rear window.)

Gravedigger: (to himself) Poor guy. He just wanted to keep learning… I wonder what’s going to happen to him. Shoot. I better get on over to Ollie’s. I’m beat!

(The gravedigger arrives at Ollie’s house and falls asleep on his couch. When he wakes up it is 2:00 in the afternoon.)

Gravedigger: Time for my soaps!

(the gravedigger turns on the television and finds that his favorite soap opera is being preempted with news. The news about FrankEinstein’s arrest!)

Gravedigger: Dude!

(the camera watches the gravedigger watch television on Ollie’s couch)

TV Anchorperson: If you’re just tuning in, Einstein rose from the dead last night and broke into a science laboratory. This FrankEinstein was then arrested, and is currently being charged not only for breaking and entering, but also for war crimes because he was pretty much responsible for the atomic bomb. And while one can argue about whether or not the bombs should have been dropped, one simply can not argue that the decision wouldn’t have needed to have been made if Einstein didn’t figure out the bomb thing in the first place.

Gravedigger: Give me a break, dude! You’re making him like, the scapegoat for something that happened 60 years ago!

TV Anchorperson: We go now live to the trial.

TV Judge: How do you plead, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: Not guilty, your honor.

(The people within the courtroom gasp and then start booing)

TV Judge: Let’s just begin the trial now. I hear you’re representing yourself, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: I am.

TV Judge: I would advise against that. You may wish to utilize the experience of a lawyer.

FrankEinstein: With all due respect your honor, I am the smartest person in the world.

TV Judge: Agreed.

FrankEinstein: If I think I can represent myself, maybe you should respect that.

Gravedigger: (watching TV from Ollie’s home) That’s right, FrankEinstein! You tell that jerk!

TV Judge: Duly noted. Shall we begin?

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is because of the accused, Mr. Albert FrankEinstein, that many, many people died. His brain made it possible to make atomic bombs. These weapons have proved devastating not only in regards to human loss, but also in the tensions their mere existence has put on countries. i.e. America and the Soviet Union.

Gravedigger: This trial is crazy. I wonder if Ollie has any tuna fish.

(the gravedigger gets off the couch and finds some canned tuna. He continues to watch television as he makes himself a sandwich)

FrankEinstein: Members of the jury, I just rose from the grave last night. Imagine how excited I was. I was in the future! There was so much for me to discover! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was all bullshit because seriously, you’re trying me for a crime that didn’t break any laws.

(Gravedigger eats his sandwich and nods along to the TV as FrankEinstein talks.)

FrankEinstein: Look. I’m alive. I’ve risen from the dead and it’s strange but here I am. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t have broken into the science laboratory. That was my fault. That was my mistake. But I was just so interested to see what people have discovered since I died! My heart has always been with science, and I hope you can empathize with my curiosity.

Gravedigger: (to himself) I should do something for Ollie, since he’s putting me up. Maybe buy him groceries or pizza or something.

(The gravedigger continues watching TV)

FrankEinstein: Am I really to be tried for war crimes just because I’m so smart that I’m responsible for the atomic bomb? Please, people. Please. I didn’t drop the bomb.

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Well you’re at least an accessory!

Thursday:

Gravedigger: FrankEinstein, hop into my sidecar! Quickly!

(FrankEinstein gets into the sidecar of the gravedigger’s motorcycle. The two speed off, with the police in chase.)

FrankEinstein: You! You’re that gravedigger! What are you doing here?

Gravedigger: There’s no time to explain! But I was interested in your case and I watched it in it’s entirety at my friend’s house. I was on your side the whole time, and when they found you guilty I just couldn’t believe it. They were going to execute you for something that wasn’t your fault at all! So I asked my friend Ollie if he’d help me rescue you. He’s the friend whose house I’ve been staying at. Even though he was on your side, he didn’t want to risk helping you. I hope you can forgive him for that, it’s just that he’s got a wife, two kids, and a job, and he just couldn’t risk losing them. I was mad about his refusal to help at first, and we fought for awhile. But then I saw his point. But I couldn’t rescue you by myself, I didn’t even own a motorcycle, let alone one with a sidecar. But I knew somebody who did. My ex-girlfriend Veronica. We had been living together for about six months – it’s common in this day and age – and things hadn’t been going well. She didn’t think I had any drive. She kicked me out the day you rose from the grave, and I didn’t know how to get her back. But when I saw you were going to be executed so they could have a scapegoat, it didn’t even matter that we had a past. I just went to her place, rung the doorbell, and said, “I need to borrow your motorcycle with the sidecar so I can rescue FrankEinstein.” She just looked at me for a second smiled, hugged me and kissed me, and gave me the keys.

FrankEinstein: Well I thank you.

Gravedigger: No problem, man! Where do you want to go?

(FrankEinstein draws a gun and holds it to the gravedigger’s head)

FrankEinstein: Take me to the science laboratory. I need equipment to build an atomic bomb. I’m going to drop it on people.

Gravedigger: But…I was sure you were innocent!

FrankEinstein: Well I fooled you. It was easy for me. I’m the smartest man in the world Now take me to the science laboratory. Take me there before I blow your head off!

Lava Your Fellow Man

Los Angeles:

Bruce: Hey, let’s play that game where the floor is lava.

Tammy: But the floor really is lava! Lookout!

(The couch Bruce is standing on melts into the floor. Bruce screams and tries to jump to a neighboring chair, but he doesn’t quite make it. His hands grasp the chair while his legs dissolve in the lava, catching the rest of his body on fire.)

Bruce: (Screams)

Tammy: Hold on, Bruce! I’m coming! Just hold on!

Bruce: (Continues screaming)

(Tammy attempts to jump over to Bruce but she misses her jump and falls into the lava. She is consumed with fire and sinks amid screams of terror. Bruce is in too much pain to notice. His hands slip off the chair and he too is lost to the lava. The lava then disappears, leaving only the smoldering ashes of Bruce and Tammy)

Thursday:

Detective Ham Johnson: Two piles of ash. Two dead teenagers. This pile here used to be Tammy Pine. Cheerleader. Star of her soccer team. And this pile here used to be Bruce Jordan, skateboarder and high school math wiz. It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame. These kids are the ninth and tenth victims of whoever is sick enough to do this. Someone is burning these kids alive, and if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to figure out whom!

Detective Roberts: I’ve got to get going.

Detective Ham: Talk to you later. I’m going to ask around town and see if I can’t get any leads. Somebody somewhere knows what’s been burning these kids.

Later:

(Detective Ham Johnson is riding his car home after questioning somebody at night. Suddenly a car appears next to him that tries to drive him off the road. At first Detective Ham Johnson can’t see who’s driving the other car, but just before he drives off a cliff, he sees a glowing blob of lava in the driver’s seat. When his car drives off a cliff, Detective Ham Johnson believes that he is dead for sure. But he isn’t because the car lands on the wing of a Boeing 747 airplane that was flying too close to the cliff.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava!

(Detective Ham Johnson collects his thoughts)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava did it. Lava killed those kids and then tried to kill me when my questions started digging too deep. And Lava thinks it’s gotten away with it too, as I’d be dead if I didn’t land on this 747 here. When this plane lands, I’m going to drive back here and confront Lava. No doubt it will be surprised to find me very much alive.

(Detective Ham Johnson remains on the wing of the 747, and we see the gorgeous countryside fly by underneath him as the plane flies all the way to Charlotte, North Carolina. Once the plane stops, Detective Ham Johnson drives off the wing of the plane and lands safely)

Detective Ham Johnson: Damn it! To stop Lava I’ve got to drive all the way from Charlotte to Los Angeles! Looks like I’m in for one hell of a road trip.

(Detective Ham Johnson puts the pedal to the metal. His Mazda 323 lurches forward)

Detective Ham Johnson: Wooo-eee! I’ve got to drive fast if I’m going to stop Lava from killing more kids.

(Suddenly there is a clunking sound and then steam begins to rise from the hood of Detective Ham Johnson’s Mazda)

Detective Ham Johnson: No! How am I going to get to L.A. now?!

(Airport mechanic Dud Burls approaches Detective Ham Johnson and his broken down car)

Dud Burls: I can fix that!

(Dud Burls uses his wrench and fixes the car)

Detective Ham Johnson: Thanks. I’m trying to catch a killer in Los Angeles that is Lava. I’m worried my car will break down. Would you mind accompanying me on the trip?

Dud Burls: I’d be honored. Let’s go get this killer

(Detective Ham Johnson and Dud Burls travel together, but for some reason the Mazda breaks down again in the Blue Ridge Mountains and Dud Burls can’t fix it. Dud Burls leads them through the mountains and eventually they stumble upon an old wooden shack.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Look! A house!

Dud Burls: Yes. Let’s go inside. Maybe they have food and water. I’ll go in first to check and see if it’s safe.

(Dud Burls goes into the shack. Detective Ham Johnson waits outside for ten minutes until Dud Burls returns.)

Dud Burls: Hey! Nobody’s here! Come on in

Detective Ham Johnson: Hey, while you were inside I noticed this mailbox! It says “McCoys.”

Dud Burls: That’s strange. Come on inside.

Later:

Detective Ham Johnson: I’ll just clean up while Dud Burls is hunting. I know he told me not to, but still.

(Detective Ham Johnson cleans up under Dud Burls’ bed and finds a picture. The picture is labled “McCoy Family Portrait” and clearly identifiable in the picture is Lava and Dud Burls.)

Detective Ham Johnson: This is like the big reveal!

(Dud Burls comes home and Detective Ham Johnson tries to hide the picture)

Dud Burls: I’m gonna break your knees!

Kill It and Clean It 1

Man: Have you heard of the story of the minotaur? The creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man?

Wilton Tadsel: Oh…Yeah, I think so…It’s Greek, right? That’s a scary story!

Man: (takes of man-mask and reveals that he’s got this bull head) It’s real!

Wilton: What the –

Minotaur: (Bellows)

(Wilton runs away but the Minotaur chases him through the Quizno’s. Wilton is just about to be gored by the Minotaur, but the Minotaur slips on a spilled drink. Wilton then runs outside the store and into the bathroom of a grocery store across the street. The Minotaur, slow to get up, goes to the grocery store and starts looking up and down the grocery aisles for Wilton.)

Minotaur: Wilton…where are you?! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna…

(The Minotaur suddenly falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. One of the surrounding grocery store customers calls the police to report the seizure. After a few minutes, the Minotaur rises. He is dazed, weak, and shaken. Still, he jumps up on top of the cereal aisle and it’s no big deal.)

Minotaur: Hey everyone! Listen! Nobody is going to believe this! I just had a vision! I had a vision during that seizure just now!

(sirens approach)

Minotaur: Shit! Somebody called the cops!

(The Minotaur jumps down from the cereal aisle and runs out the back of the grocery store. Just as he leaves, a detective enters the store.)

Detective Sandjansen: Somebody said there was a Minotaur in here?

Customer: Yes! He had a –

Detective Sandjansen: Grand mal seizure?

Customer: Yes! How did you know?

Detective Sandjansen: It’s happening everywhere. Minotaurs everywhere are having grand mal seizures and waking up with visions.

Customer: What kind of visions are they having?

Detective Sandjansen: If I knew the answer to that question, this case would be closed!

(Detective Sandjansen falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. Customers scream, doubly disturbed because this just happened with a minotaur only moments ago.)

Customer: You’re a Minotaur!

Detective Sandjansen: I am a police officer of the law! Does it look like I have horns? Does it look like I have a bull face?

Customer: No, you look like a man.

Detective Sandjansen: Exactly. I am a man.

(Upset and dazed from all the seizure, Detective Sandjansen leaves and goes to his detective car. He drives to a park and sits alone with his thoughts)

Detective Sandjansen: Am I part Minotaur?

Meanwhile:
Barl Mensop: I just got fired from my job!

Thursday:
Terrance Stoil: A Minotaur was running around rampant in my grocery store. He was going up and down aisles, jumping up on top of the cereal aisle, and having seizures all over the floor! I want this place decontaminated, fumigated, and sanitized! And I want it done now!

Elsewhere:
Maintenance Charlie: We’re all out of sanitizer!

Later:
ABC News Anchor: A boat carrying the world’s supply of fumigation materials sank in the ocean today. Experts predict there will be no fumigation supplies for at least 8 months. In an unrelated note, America's stock of decontaminates was completely depleted following a rash of minotaur grand mal seizures!

Back at the Grocery Store:
Terrance Stoil: Damn it all to fucking hell! There was a Minotaur in my grocery store! We’ve got to sanitize this place! We’ve got to find a way!

Lackey: But boss! There ain’t no sanitizers, decontaminates, or fumigation supplies! They all gone! We can’t clean nothin’!

Terrance Stoil: Then we make our own cleaning supplies. Get the fuck out of my way. We're gonna do this.

Saving Time

It is the year 70 Million B.C. Cave men rule the world. Cave man Manosaur should be happy. He has 5 children and 1 loving cave wife. Still, his life is empty and unfulfilling and he doesn’t know why. Then, one day, as he out hunting for raptors, he sees a sudden flash. He goes to investigate, and he finds a large metal box.

Manosaur: What is this?

(Manosaur knocks on the box and suddenly the box opens. Derrick, a man from the year 2009 steps out)

Derrick: Where is Jesus?

Manosaur: Who is Jesus?

Derrick: “Who’s Jesus?” Oh no! What year is this?

Manosaur: What do you mean?

Derrick: The unthinkable has happened! I’ve gone too far back in time!

Manosaur: Back in time? Where are you from?

Derrick: Not where, my caveman friend. When. I’m from the year 2009 A.D.

Manosaur: But that’s impossible! That’s over 70 million years from now!

Derrick: Precisely. And unfortunately, it was a one-way trip. I sacrificed living in the future to meet Jesus.

Manosaur: But why? What’s so great about Jesus?

Derrick: Hmmmm….What is your name, cave man?

Manosaur: Manosaur. And may I ask your name?

Derrick: I’m Derrick. And Manosaur? I think I can help you.

Through the rest of Act 1 and all of Act 2, Derrick teaches Manosaur the word of the Bible. He tells him about the great flood that will occur, and about Samson and David and Goliath and most beautiful of all, he tells Manosaur about Jesus and how after 70 million years, he will release Manosaur from the tortures of hell. Through it all, Manosaur is enraptured, and is saddened only by the fact that he will not live long enough to meet Jesus.

Derrick: I know what you mean, Manosaur. I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to meet Him too, so bad that I gave up all of the comforts of the year 2009 in order to do so. But it wasn’t meant to be. Still, even if I couldn’t meet Him, I’m glad I was given the opportunity to bring His word to you and your cave family.

Manosaur: Look out, a triceratops!

(A triceratops runs towards Derrick and Manosaur stops it by throwing a spear through its eye and into its small brain)

Derrick: You…you saved my life, Manosaur.

Manosaur: That’s nothing. You saved my soul.

Derrick: I guess I did.

Manosaur: Derrick, do you ever wonder that you’ll change the future by being in the past?

Derrick: No.

Manosaur: See that baby raptor? Kill it for me. I want to see something.

(Derrick steps on the baby raptor and kills it and then as soon as he does he has long sharp teeth and pink curly hair)

Manosaur: You look hilarious!

Derrick: But as far as I know, I’ve always looked like this!

Manosaur: Exactly. Anyway, let’s talk about Jesus.

Derrick: Who?

Manosaur: Jesus! The son of God! The Jesus who’ll die for your sins in 70 million years!

Derrick: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that I came back in time to play baske–

Manosaur: No! You came back in time to see Jesus! But then you stepped on a baby raptor and now you don’t even know who He is!!

Derrick: Teach me.

Manosaur: I will. It all starts with this book. (Manosaur begins reading from the Bible)

Derrick: This…this seems right.

Manosaur preaches the Word to Derrick, and it is strange because originally Derrick taught Manosaur. When Manosaur finally finishes teaching Derrick about Jesus, suddenly Derrick's hair and teeth go back to normal and the baby raptor springs back to life.

Derrick: Manosaur, I might have saved your soul, but you saved my life AND my soul.

Manosaur: It was nothing. Come on. I want to show you this thing I invented. I call it “fire.”

Derrick: (laughs) Fire, huh? I think I’ve heard of it. It’s going to be big.

Manosaur: (laughs)

Credits

Say the Magic Word

Wizard: Hello, audience. I am about to say something that will surprise you. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is. Everyone is magic. Yes, even you there in the front. Unfortunately, the magic is locked inside you and chances are, you will never unlock it. Most people live their whole lives completely magic free. After all, a person’s magic can only be unlocked if they utter their magic word, and the word is unique for each person. I myself was lucky enough to say my magic word as a toddler. For me, it was the word “vinvinvinvinvinbatj.” Ever since that day I can do all the magic I want. I’m one of the lucky ones. Come with me, won’t you, as I tell you the story of another soul who unlocked his magic.

Scene: House

12 year-old Ted: Woah! This book says that if I somehow say my magic word, I’ll unlock the magic inside of me. Baploapah! (waits) No, that didn’t seem to do it.

Ted: Neereemincho! Hmmm…nope. Telebaponono! Not that one either. Wow. This is harder than I thought.

Ted: Chrynzimatin! Pluntunree! Zakanojandat! Fjchelbichuck! Darn it! What’s the word?!

Ted’s Mom: Honey? What are you shouting about?

Ted: I’m trying to find my magic word, Mom. Everybody has one and if you say it, if you figure out what yours is, you can do magic!

Ted’s Mom: Yanolaopz!

Ted: Dyclepticip! Helepoastopq!

Ted’s Mom: Ryepzosp! Maoeopalso! Gee, Ted. I still haven’t got it. I guess if it was easy everybody would be a wizard, huh?

Ted: I guess so. Salpchonostrobapox! There’s so many combinations, Mom. I wish…I wish dad were still alive. He’d be able to figure out his word just like that.

Ted’s Mom: I know, Honey. He was always good at that kind of stuff, wasn’t he?

Ted: Yeah... I miss him… Lestoyzelkoff!

Ted’s Mom: Ioqdosvspolav! Xlaoqplblmcnoeiuf!

(The next day)

Ted: Tauaexzyhnslk!

Ted’s Mom: You’re gonna be late for school, Ted. Come on, go catch your bus.

Ted: I’m going, I’m going. Repoiumnhic!

(Ted leaves)

Ted’s Mom: Garlalyoniliafi! (to herself) This is frustrating, but if I get it I just know it’ll be worth it! Opzbmeilkukjer!

Scene: Ted’s School

Ted’s Friend: What’s with all the weird sounds, Ted?

Ted: I read that each person has a word and if they say it, it will unlock their magic powers.

Ted’s Friend: That sounds hard. Wempoiguvelcon! Did it work? Am I magic yet?

Ted: I don’t think so, Friend. I think that when you say it, you’ll know. Farlpobwajibil!

Ted’s Friend: That one MUST have been it! Do you feel magic, Ted?

Ted: No. It’s really hard, Friend. My mom and I were trying to do it all last night. We want to bring my dad back.

Ted’s Friend: Habernamshackle!

Ted: Mirdirnimbleshimpadoo!

Ted’s Friend: Twanvonoshow!

Ted: Quandejimbabbonostrousamble!

Ted’s Friend: Teatambamram! I did it! That was it! I’m magic

Ted: Really? Good job, Friend! That’s awesome! Do some magic!

Ted’s Friend: I can’t do it when you’re watching.

Ted: Friend, did you really unlock your magic?

(Ted’s Friend runs off crying. In the distance, we hear him say “Eapmdabxoxl!” and “Ullahavanosis” and then sob even harder)

Ted: Amderloosetj!

(Meanwhile)

Ted’s Mom: Eyptoamget! Obonobojajam!

At the end of the film, Ted finally stumbles upon his magic word. A blinding orange glow envelopes him, and when it fades Ted has a grey beard and a wizard hat and wizard robes.

Ted’s Mom: You did it! I’m so proud of you! Dad would have been so proud of you! What was it, Honey? What was your magic-unlocking word?

Ted: It was “Love,” Mom. It was “Love.”

Ted’s Mom: Of course. Are you…can you bring Daddy back now? I want us to be a family again.

Ted: Mom…Mom we’re already a family.

Ted’s Mom: (crying) Oh Ted. I just miss your father so much! Can’t you bring him back?

Ted: I love you mom, but I can’t. It’s just us now. We have to accept that. And anyway, that kind of magic takes the power of two wizards.

Ted’s Mom: Jylamopalogis! Kapnalonquist! Xandolobontamont! Oplinbagochambz! Appadapganoibstra!

Ted: (crying) Mom…let it go, Mom. I love you. We’re gonna be okay, Mom.

Ted’s Mom: …

Ted: Mom?

Ted’s Mom: Tapibakvonoink!

Credits