Lion vs. Pony

Raquel is a 15 year-old girl from a middle-class family. She’s wanted a pony for as long as she can remember. When her family finally gets her one, she can’t believe it. She names the Pony Darius, and even though the pony is a lot of work, she takes care of it all by herself. She feeds it, she grooms it, she empties its stall, and she takes it out every day after school.

One day, as Raquel is walking Darius - a lion. Raquel injures herself saving Darius from the lion, and when she wakes up, Darius is talking to her. Yes, her pony is talking to her.

Darius: Raquel, you have saved my life, risking yours in doing so.

Raquel: Darius? You can talk? But you’re a pony!

Darius: I am no ordinary pony, Raquel. I am the King Pony.

Raquel: King Pony?

Darius: Yes. But I am in hiding. That lion that attacked us was after me.

Raquel: But why, King Pony? Why would anyone want to hurt you?

Darius: Politics, Raquel. Politics. The lions are at war with the ponies.

Raquel: Then I will fight with the ponies!

Darius: Oh Raquel. You are young and yet there is so much you do not know!

Raquel: Still, I will die for the ponies.

Darius: Come then. I will emerge from hiding and stand tall against the lion threat. And you Raquel, will be Queen Pony!

Raquel: But where do we go, Darius!

Darius: To my kingdom! Hop on!

But when Darius and Raquel gallop towards Darius’ kingdom, a pack of lions blocks them off. The pack of lions quickly circles them and then one of the lions leaps through the air and knocks Raquel off of Darius. Darius, spooked, runs and leaps over the lions. The lions give chase, but Darius outruns them. Meanwhile, a lion helps Raquel off the ground.

Raquel: Kill me if you must, lions, but you’ll never win. The ponies have “right” on their side!

Lion Leader: Girl, what are you talking about?

Raquel: The war! You’ll never win the war with the ponies!

Lion Leader: We’re not at war with the ponies. That’s ridiculous.

Raquel: But King Pony said…

Lion Leader: Girl, I’m afraid you’ve been fooled.

Raquel: What do you mean?

Lion Leader: Did “King Pony”…did he ask you anything?

Raquel: What?

Lion Leader: Did he make any advances towards you?

Raquel: No! He’s my friend! He was going to make me Queen Pony!

Lion Leader: Mmm-hmmm. There it is…

Raquel: But you don’t mean…!.

Lion Leader: We’re afraid so. Girl, this is not his first offense. This pony has been around a long time. He was supposed to register when he came into your area

Raquel: This is just awful!

Lion Leader: It is. We were trying to protect you.

Raquel: That bastard pony! I took such good care of him and the whole time he… he wanted to…(shivers) What can I do? I want to help catch him.

Lion Leader: Are you sure? Of course, we can protect you if you help, but we’ll understand if it’s too much for you.

Raquel: I’m sure. Let’s put him out to pasture.

The lions work with Raquel and together they devise a plan. Raquel calls Darius and tells them she escaped the lions and that she still wants to be Queen Pony. Darius is suspicious of what she knows, but Raquel works hard to convince him. Eventually, they devise a plan to meet at Raquel’s house. The lions hide around the house and load Raquel up with recording equipment. However, Darius proves more ruthless than anyone had expected. Darius sneaks up behind two lions and breaks their necks. In an act involving smoke, confusions, and explosions, Darius is kidnaps Raquel. But Ryu, the lion leader, is able to escape Darius, and secretly tracks Darius. In the end, Ryu is able to save Raquel by biting off Darius’s throat and feasting on him. It is the animal way.

Raquel: You saved me, Ryu. What’s more, you stopped a very sick pony. I’ll never be able to thank you enough.

Ryu: (looking up from the corpse of Darius) We did it!

Take The Wall Down

Earth’s galaxy, the Milky Way, travels through space 373 miles a second. That’s 1,342,800 miles an hour, a very unsafe speed by anyone’s standards. For millions of years, the people of Earth have lived every day unaware of the danger surrounding them. December 12^th, 2008, all of that changed.

Scene: A cabin in the woods. Amateur astronomer Corbin Mantruck is looking through his telescope

Corbin Mantruck: Will you look at that! That star just went supernova! Beautiful! It’s lighting up the sky! Wait…What the…?

(Corbin peers closer through his telescope)

Corbin Mantruck: Oh Lord! We’ve all been fools! The supernova is shedding light on an otherwise dark area of space! It wouldn’t be a problem at all except…except I can see the wall at the end of the universe!

(Corbin does some quick calculations. He stares and them in disbelief and then does them again, this time very, very slowly. He gets the same answer)

Corbin Mantruck: The Earth. We’re headed straight for the Universe’s wall. And by studying the Doppler Effect and wavelengths, it looks like we’re headed straight for the wall, traveling at…no…wait….I must make sure…

(Corbin once more checks his figures, going through each item line by line. Once again, he arrives at the same, unbelievable answer)

Corbin Mantruck: We’re doomed. We’re heading towards the Universe’s wall at 1,342,800 miles an hour. At that rate, when we hit it we’ll be flattened like a pancake. I’ve…I’ve got to tell someone. At this rate we’ll crash into the wall in four days!

Scene: The Pentagon. 5-star general Steel Delivery answers a red telephone

Gen Steel Delivery: Hello?

Corbin Mantruck: General Steel Delivery? This is Corbin Mantruck, amateur astronomer and ex-Navy Seal.

Gen. Steel Delivery: How did you get this number, Mantruck?

Corbin Mantruck: That’s not important, sir. We don’t have time for that.

Gen: Steel Delivery: Go on, son.

Corbin Mantruck: I’ll get right to the point. The universe has a wall and we’re headed straight for it. If we don’t figure out a solution, we’ll crash into it in four days.

Gen. Steel Delivery: So?

Corbin Mantruck: You’re a General, General Steel Delivery, so please understand that what I say next is with all the restraint I can muster. We will CRASH INTO THE UNIVERSE’S WALL AT 1,342,800 MILES AN HOUR!!!

Gen. Steel Delivery: Good God.

Corbin Mantruck: You see the danger.

Gen. Steel Delivery: I do. We’ll all be killed….

Corbin Mantruck: Exactly. There are no Americans now, Gen. Steel Delivery. There are no Russians or Africans or Arabs of Chinese. There are only Earthlings. We’re all in this together.

Gen. Steel Delivery: You’re right. Of course you’re right. And I see your point. If we’re going to blow up the Universe’s Wall, we’re going to need to the resources of the entire world.

Corbin Mantruck: Glad we’re on the same page.

Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m going to call the president. We need to assemble a team of world leaders. It’s crunch time. And Corbin Mantruck? I want you here, on our team. You discovered this problem and your voice has earned the right to be heard.

Corbin Mantruck: Thank you, Gen. Steel Delivery. Now, to blow up the Universe’s wall. I assume we have some sort of new super bomb that nobody knows about?

Gen. Steel Delivery: That would be classified information, Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck: Don’t jerk me around, General Steel Delivery! Am I a part of this team or aren’t I?!

Gen. Steel Delivery: I’m sorry, son. But I just can’t reveal classified information.

Corbin Mantruck: Damn it! This red tape is why I quit my job as a Navy Seal lab-scientist! You know what? Screw it, Gen. Steel Delivery. I’m out. You work with your world team on blowing up the Universe’s Wall, and I’ll work with mine.

Gen. Steel Delivery: There’s no way you can beat us, son. We’ll have the world’s top scientists at our disposal.

Corbin Mantruck: We’ll see. If you’ll excuse me, General, I need to hang up. There are some calls I need to make.

(Corbin hangs up the phone)

Corbin Mantruck: Bastards! They’re gonna do whatever they can to stop me!

(Corbin throws a wine glass against the wall)

Corbin Mantruck: Well, looks like it’s time to call in a few favors from my frat brothers. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother is a brother for life. They say a Sigma Alpha Epsilon brother helps a brother in need. Let’s hope that’s true. First call? Harry Hangover Dirtsen. Let’s see what he’s up to.

Another Man's Treasure

Hyatt: I looked through the garbage outside of my house every week for one year. This is my story.

(Credits)

Hyatt: In the first week there were a lot of pop cans, some leftover pasta that had obviously gone bad, some Kleenex, an empty bottle of wine, some broken-down boxes, and some other things I didn’t write down.

(Hyatt shows pictures of first week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The second week had a lot of those things too, but it also had a beat-up t-shirt, an empty can of hair spray, some old meat, some bad cottage cheese, and an old puzzle.

(Hyatt shows pictures of second week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The third week I found some toenail clippings, and empty Listerine bottle, some used TV dinner containers, some bad fruit, some papers, torn up mail, and an empty milk carton.

(Hyatt shows pictures of third week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The fourth week there wasn’t a lot of garbage. But as you can see there was still some pop cans and an old painting with a cracked frame

(Hyatt shows pictures of fourth week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The fifth week made up for the light fourth week. There was a lot of garbage. There were some out-of-focus photo’s, a broken dinner plate, used-napkins, more bad meat, some used cleaning product containers, some burned cd’s, torn-up mail, and some cans for pasta. There was also additional garbage I did not feel the need to mention.

(Hyatt shows pictures of fifth week’s garbage)

Hyatt: The sixth week was almost the same as week three. See?

(Hyatt shows pictures of week six’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week seven? Not a lot to talk about here.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week seven’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week eight. The week of empty cans. Pasta sauce cans, more pop cans, an empty can of olives, and four cans of tuna. Lots of cans. There was also used napkins and leftover food.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week eight’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week nine had some cans too, but if you’re a fan of the cans it doesn’t get any better than week eight.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week nine’s garbage)

Hyatt: During week ten they threw away some socks with a hole in them. These socks might have been worn with the shoes that will get thrown away in week 21. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week ten’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week eleven. Not a very interesting week, and there were some problems with my camera so I don’t have any pictures. I think there was a stained towel during this week, but I don’t really remember. Trust me - no big loss to not have the pictures for week eleven.

Hyatt: Week twelve was okay. More coffee grinds than usual during this week. The coffee’s nice because it takes away a lot of the stench of the rotting food. Really, these pictures show a lot, but you don’t really get a sense of the smell. Maybe someday someone will invent a device that records smells.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week twelve’s garbage)

Hyatt: You’ll notice the remains of a roast chicken in week thirteen. Also a McDonald’s bag and a few leftover fries.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week thirteen’s garbage and then drinks some water)

Hyatt: A pizza box for week fourteen. Personally, I love pizza, and I order it more than once every fourteen weeks. You’ll notice in one of the pictures that there is still some cheese stuck to the cardboard. This week also features an empty 2-liter bottle of soda.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week fourteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week fifteen. Not my favorite week.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week fifteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week sixteen was a garbage extravaganza. Lots of wrapping paper, boxes, and clothes tags. Also, at least two bowls of uneaten spaghetti, and plus some of those Chinese boxes they use for carry-out.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week sixteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: The garbage of week seventeen included was back to basics. You’ll note the now routine torn-up junk mail, the various empty cans of vegetables, the coffee grinds, the leftover food, etc.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week seventeen’s garbage)

Hyatt: The eighteenth week! Not too terribly much here, actually. More of the same.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week eighteen’s garbage)

Hyatt: Week nineteen had a bunch of VHS tapes thrown into the mix. The Hunt For Red October, you’ll notice, is covered in what may be bacon fat.

(Hyatt shows pictures of week nineteen’s garbage)

Property Values U

Tony Gorgotron is a high school senior whose love of basketball is matched only by his lack of basketball talent. He’s the joke of his school’s basketball team, and he never gets to play. His only friends are the school nerd Wedgie and his childhood friend Myrna who is hot but has glasses and doesn’t wear makeup. Every day Tony lusts after the prettiest girl in school who is also the head cheerleader and also the basketball captain’s gf. Her name is Dina Daakenpants and everybody calls her Double D because they’re in high school.

Tony is sad because he’s so bad at basketball and he knows that if he were good at basketball then he wouldn’t have any problems. Tony…has a lot to learn.

At the very end of the film, Tony turns 18. To celebrate he has a party at an outdoor basketball court. The bad news is that only Wedgie and Myrna come and they don’t even like basketball! To make matters worse, it starts raining. Tony gets angry and sends Wedgie and Myrna home. Depressed, he takes solace in a solo game of crybaby hoops. He misses every shot and it’s so pathetic that Tony takes the rain-soaked basketball and sits in the middle of the wet basketball court, crying. Yes, it is then he is struck by lightning. The screen goes black.

When Tony wakes up he is in the hospital. The doctors tell him he is fine and that other than the mysterious “B”-shaped scar on his forehead, they can’t even tell he was struck by lightning. Tony goes home and starts playing basketball, hoping that the lightning gave him a magical skill in basketball. He shoots from the free throw line. It misses and Tony’s heart sinks. But then what is weird is that the Basketball responds to Tony’s mind and lifts up from the ground by itself and goes through the hoop!

Tony can’t believe it except that he expected it. He tries to move other things with his mind, such as a baseball, a pop can, and in one funny scene, a girl’s bra, but it’s no use. It looks like Tony can only move basketballs with his mind!

Still, this ability makes Tony the star of the basketball team immediately. Nobody can believe it. Tony shoots the ball from wherever he is on the court, puts his fingers up to his temples and squints his eyes, and just like that, the basketball goes into the hoop.

Tony becomes an overnight hero and soon doesn’t have time for Wedgie or Myrna. He only hangs with the cool kids now.

But at the same time, a crime wave is happening around town. A mysterious burglar is going from house to house stealing everybody’s things. The burglaries are done so well that the police are scared and refuse to do anything about them. With a burglar given free reign, property values PLUMMET. This is a huge problem for the community, as explained in the majority of the movie. What can be done?

Tony, when not controlling the basketball with his mind and giving his team a shot at the state basketball title, enjoys mystery books. He’s long considered himself an amateur detective. Still, it isn’t until he’s writing a report on basketball that Tony thinks he has a chance at finding the burglar.

While writing his report entitled “Basketball!,” Tony Gorgotron discovers that just as he had always expected, he can not only control Basketballs, but he can control anything with the word “Basketball” on it! With this newfound power, Tony can track down the burglar, catch him, and become even more popular.

In the daytime Tony wins basketball games and eats lunch with the cool people. But in the nighttime, he listens to a police scanner and stakes out houses he thinks the burglar might burgle. Also, Tony writes the word “Basketball” on everything he can get his hands on and he makes them levitate and twirl around some.

While staking out a house, Tony falls asleep for two minutes. When he wakes up, he realizes that the house he’s watching is being burgled! Tony quickly writes “Basketball” on his hand and flies over to the house.

Tony can’t believe his eyes. Burgling the house is the very same lightning that gave him his powers! It doesn’t make any sense! He tries to stop the lighting by writing “Basketball” on things and mind-throwing them at the lightning, but the lightning dodges everything that Tony mind-throws. Branches of electricity shoot into Tony, while other branches of electricity continue to steal things. Soon the electricity is too much for Tony, and he once again blacks out.

Through The Mouth's Portal

One day Ginny wakes up and whenever she opens her mouth, right behind her teeth there’s a portal to another dimension. This dimension is very similar to our dimension, except in the Ginny’s mouth dimension the Nazi’s won World War II(!). One night, while Ginny is snoring with her mouth open (and thus opening the portal to the other dimension), a soldier from Ginny’s alternate mouth dimension finds the portal and pleads for Ginny’s help. The soldier is part of an underground resistance that is not nearly as anti-Semitic as the Nazi’s. The movement is attempting to overthrow the Nazi government, but needs help. They need plans for a nuclear bomb, something that was not invented in his alternate dimension.

Ginny works on finding out how to make a nuclear bomb while the soldier’s situation becomes more and more desperate. When she finally finds the plans and opens her mouth and puts them through her mouth portal, the soldier is dismayed because he doesn’t have access to some of the nuclear bomb ingredients. Ginny agrees to help him find these too. But time is short for Ginny. With the portal opening in her mouth, she is unable to eat as all the food she consumes goes into the mouth dimension rather than her stomach. She’s wasting away, hungrier and thirstier than we can possibly imagine.

Meanwhile, the soldier and Ginny start to fall in love. As he shouts his proclamation of love through Ginny’s mouth’s portal hole, Ginny weeps because not only is she hungry and thirsty and having a hard time finding the radioactive ingredients she needs to shove into her mouth/portal, but she’s also in love with the soldier and she knows they can never truly be together because he can’t fit through her mouth.

Close to dying of dehydration, Ginny finds the needed parts of the nuclear bomb and she’s able to swallow them into her mouth portal. But getting them has attracted the attention of the FBI, and she doesn’t have the strength to resist capture. As Ginny is taken away, the soldier from the alternate dimension hands off the bomb blueprints to the underground resistance leaders.

In FBI captivity Ginny is hooked up to an IV and saved from dehydration. Meanwhile, in Ginny’s mouth portal’s alternate dimension, the underground resistance completes the construction of the nuclear bomb. The soldier tells Ginny that the bomb has been deployed on Hitler City, and that it has sparked up a worldwide revolution against the Nazi empire. The Nazi problem has been solved, but what of the problem of their love and the mouth portal and Ginny being in prison?

Ginny tells her FBI guard that she has a sore throat. But when he comes up to examine it, she opens her mouth and through her mouth portal the soldier shoots the FBI guard in the brain. Ginny quickly takes the guard’s keys, grabs her IV bag, and hightails it on out of there. Running with her mouth open, the soldier shoots everyone that gets in her way. Soon she has her freedom, but what about her love?

Ginny is a hero in her mouth portal’s dimension, but she’s a killer skirt in her own. Ginny and the soldier decide that they can make it work though, and they both high a minister to marry them. Ginny puts her hand down her throat and into the other dimension and the soldier puts a ring on it. The soldier puts his hand through the portal and though Ginny gags, she is able to put a ring on his finger as well. The two are married, though they can never be truly together. And though the wedding is bittersweet, the couple is happy. Together, Ginny and the Soldier have overcome so much.

But nobody can hide forever. And simultaneously the Nazi’s find the soldier and the FBI find Ginny. Both Ginny and the soldier are gunned down, and they die together, the soldier with his hand through the portal, and Ginny with her hand down her throat. The screen goes black and the words “And so the movie is a tragedy” fade in and then out of the screen. Credits.