Welcome To The Jungle

Scene: Ira Buchman [Mad About You] is the famous explorer. On this day he is hiking through the jungles of South America. He is by himself and there is no person anywhere even close to him. It is raining and he is cutting a path through the trees with a machete.

Ira: (speaking to himself) What a jungle! So thick! I don’t think anybody has every been here before.

(Ira passes a statue of the Egyptian god Horus, but he doesn’t even see it and he keeps cutting)

Ira: I mean, there are literally 1 billion people on Earth. Walking on land that no man has ever walked on before feels…I don’t know…good.

(Just 15 feet away from Ira, but blocked from his view, we see an exact duplicate of the rocks at Stonehenge.)

Ira: (Still hacking his way through the jungle and a snake that got in the way) There’s something about the air here. It’s electric, like it’s filled with mini-lightnings.

(We see a Mayan statue that is once again just out of Ira’s point of view. And then we see a merman statue from Atlantis)

Ira: Hmmm…that’s weird. It looks like there’s a clearing ahead. Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!

(When Ira clears through the bushes, we see enormous thatch houses everywhere. There is a huge city only instead of people living in it, a bunch of big Sphinx’s live in it. They are part human, part lion, and all beautiful. A she-sphinx, her bare breasts blowing in the wind, hears Ira say “Oh my Gaaaahhhhd!” and is startled. She quickly gallops over to Ira)

Trinxy the she-sphinx: Are you mad, man-ape? Do you want to get yourself killed?

Ira: This is amazing!

Trinxy: Don’t you see that you have to be quiet?

Ira: (whispering) Ever since I met you, all you’ve done is ask questions! Why don’t you just talk to me?

Trinxy: Are sphinx’s not mortally bound to speak only in questions?

Ira: (whispering) I see. Well, thank you for the warning and for your help. But you must understand my excitement! Nobody thought Sphinx’s were real!

Trinxy: Haven’t you seen the statue in Egypt?

Ira: (whispering) Yes, but we thought it was a fictional statue. What is your name?

Trinxy: Did I forget to tell you my name is Trinxy?

Ira: Yes. Nice to meet you, Trinxy. My name is Ira Buchman.

(Ira takes out his pistol and shoots Trinxy in the brain. As she falls to the ground dead, she drops a weapon that looks like sphinx harpoon. Startled, Ira looks at it and notices it is labled “man-ape gun.”)

Ira: Oh my God! What’s this? It looks like Trinxy was going to kill me!

(Ira slowly backs away from the Sphinx village. But then he bumps into a tree, and suddenly ten mermen soldiers descend from high up in the jungle trees. Startled, Ira looks helplessly as the mermen point their fishy tails at him and hold up their pointy tridents.)

Ira: I see. Where there are sphinx’s, there are mermen soldiers from Atlantis.

Tonyfish: And so it shall always be. Hi, human. My name is Tonyfish.

Ira: Well my name is Blow You All Up!

(Ira reaches for his grenade launcher but before he can get it, the grenade launcher is tridented by Tonyfish)

Tonyfish: We lost one civilization that way. We will not lose another.

Ira: My apologies.

Tonyfish: Suck on your apologies. You tried to destroy us and we will now imprison you on our prison island!

Ira: Please! I’m just a famous explorer! You must understand. We thought Atlantis was lost, and we thought all mermen had been lost with it. But you live! It is a glorious miracle that you live! It’s a miracle we must seize and rejoice at! My people have so much to learn from you! Please forgive me. Teach me of your advanced technologies and let our people live together in peace as they once did.

Tonyfish: Hmmm….maybe I –

Ira: Maybe isn’t good enough. Get them, guys!

(Fifteen druids, all dressed in white gowns with pointed white caps, float down from the thunderclouds in the sky. As they gracefully land, they summon the very roots from the earth to entangle the mermen.)

Tonyfish: No!

(The druids cast “Wrath” on the entangled mermen until they are all dead)

Ira: Thanks for your help, druids of old.

Andrewd: My name is Andrewd. We had been trying to exterminate the fish people for sometime.

(A bunch of police sphinx’s suddenly show up, trying to find Trinxy’s killer.)

Police Sphinx: Will you hold it right there, Ira?!

Ira: Help me, druids!

Andrewd: No way. You’re on your own!

(the druids take travel form and run off quickly. The police sphinx’s arrest Ira and put him in a jail shaped like a question mark.)

Ira: Damn those druids! Betrayal is the cruelest mistress. That is, it is the cruelest mistress other than Ixchel, the Mayan’s aged jaguar goddess of midwifery. Alas, I wish Ixchel were here now, for only she could rescue me from the police sphinx’s and also avenge the betrayal of the druids. Unfortunately, the Mayans are a lost people and I’ll probably never meet one let alone a goddess.

Cellmate Ixchel: You are wrong, because Ira - I am Ixchel!

Don't Eat the Baby

Scene: Hospital Room. A woman is giving birth

Gary: That’s it, honey. Breathe. Remember our Lamaze classes. You can do it.

Wife: Aaagh!

Doctor Ike: You’re doing fine. Now push.

Wife: I am pushing!

Doctor Ike: Here he comes, Heather. He’s crowning. You’re almost there.

Gary: You can do it, honey! I love you!

Wife: Aaagh!

(sound of baby Tommy crying)

Doctor Ike: Congratulations! You’re parents. Would you like to keep the placenta?

Wife: What?

Doctor Ike: Some couples like to keep the placenta. In fact, some couples even cook them and ingest their nutrients.

Wife and Gary: Gross!

Doctor Ike: Yes, some say it’s gross, but others feel it’s a way to grow closer to their child.

Wife and Gary: Hmmmm.

Scene: Gary and Wife’s house

Gary: What’s that smell, Heather?

Wife: Well…remember what the doctor said? About the placenta? I figured I’d cook it and eat it and we’d get closer to our baby.

Gary: Nasty!

Wife: Well, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.

(Wife eats the cooked placenta)

Gary: Well? How is it?

Wife: It’s…it’s good. Oh. Oh yes. It’s very good. I just…I wish there was more of it! Mmmm, I can feel the nutrients inside of me…

Gary: Weird.

Wife: I wish there was more of it. I wish there was more… I’m so hungry now. So hungry….

Gary: Heather, honey? Why are you looking at me like that?

Wife: Shut up you bag of talking nutrients!

(Wife picks up the cooking pan and hits Gary over the head. Gary falls to the ground unconscious. Off camera, we hear the wife noisily eating Gary. When she comes up, she is like an animal. Her mouth is bloody, her eyes are crazy wide open, and her hands are held like sharp claws.)

Wife: (licking lips) Yes, so good. So goooooood! (yelling) The placenta I ate gave me a taste for human flesh!

(Little baby Tommy starts crying in the background.)

Wife: (listens to baby Tommy)Yes. Yes that sounds tasty too.

(Wife heads to baby Tommy’s room but is stopped by a knock on the door. She hesitates, but eventually the Wife goes to the door and opens it. Outside is Trevor, a HOLY BIBLE salesman. It is his first day on the job.)

Wife: (still covered in her husband’s blood) Yes?

Trevor: (reading from a presentation script and not even looking at Wife) Hello. are you Heather Ballican?

Wife: Why yes I am, Mr. Delicious Nutrients.

Trevor: (Still reading) Nice to meet you. I am not an ordinary salesman, Mrs. Ballican. An ordinary salesman, if you’re lucky, will sell you something that is guaranteed to last two lifetimes. But Mrs. Ballican, I am selling you something that you can use in two lifetimes. This lifetime and the next. And the next lifetime is eternity. Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE, Mrs. Ballican?

(Wife drools with hunger)

Trevor: (stares at his presentation script as he awaits an answer) Mrs Ballican? Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE? (looks up and sees just how damn bloody she is) Holy shit, Mrs. Ballican!

Wife: I’m going to eat you and then I’m going to eat my baby! (lunges at Trevor like a bloodthirsty wildcat. Trevor barely dodges her, as her hunger has made her quicker and more nimble than the average human being)

Trevor: Heather! You’ve got to be stopped!

Wife: Never! I’m going to eat everyone! I’m going to eat my baby Tommy!

Trevor: Mrs. Ballican, I will never allow that to happen!

(Trevor escapes the Wife and runs to a forgotten and abandoned cave.)

Trevor: I’ve got to stop her, but I can’t call the police. She’ll eat the police! What do I do? (Looks at HOLY BIBLE) Well, maybe this will work!

(Trevor reads the HOLY BIBLE and begins super praying. Suddenly, a golden light falls on him even though he is in a cave.)

Trevor: Wow. It works. It really works. Now I can stop Heather. She’s no match for the GOOD NEWS.

Meanwhile, at the Wife’s house

(Closeup on the Wife’s face)

Wife: MWAAAAAARRRR!!!

Note:
The dangers of placenta, or “afterbirth,” consumption are very real. Every day, people considering themselves “open-minded” cook and ingest the placenta of their newborn child. As the placenta is a human organ, this act is no less than an act of cannibalism, an act which the HOLY BIBLE is decidedly against. Please, if you know someone who is pregnant or just about to be pregnant, please warn them and give them the GOOD NEWS.

Crossing the Dolphin-ish Line

Scene: Seaworld after hours. Dolphin trainer Terry Vatchet is talking to himself by the dolphin pool

Terry Vatchet: (to himself) Sigh. I wish my life were more exciting like in that movie with the giant robot bear. I mean, yes I am a very gifted dolphin trainer. Everyone always says: my awards and trophies speak for themselves. But still, is there something else out there? Is there a way I can use my dolphin training techniques to not only make my life exciting but to also make a fortune and live a life of glamour?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-reee-eee chirp-chirp Ree-eee?

Terry: I can’t understand you, Donny. (moans) You only speak dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to the garbage area of the pool and uses his bottle-nose to bring over a bit of wet newspaper)

Terry: It’s a newspaper article. What’s this? It says that Mammoth NASCAR is super popular and they are thinking of an underwater spin-off where people race sharks.

Donny the Dolphin: Chirp-chirp Reee-eee-reee-eee!

Terry: I still have no idea what you’re saying. Anyway, while this article is certainly exciting, Donny, you’re not a shark. You’re a dolphin.

(Donny the Dolphin swims over to a metal pole in the pool and even though it takes him awhile, he bites it in half)

Terry: Holy shit, Donny!

(Donny’s dolphin mouth is bleeding, but it’s not too bad and for him the demonstration is worth it. He shows this by swimming in circles a couple of times)

Terry: If you can do that, well…. maybe with a little make-up…maybe people will think you’re a shark and you can race in the shark racing I read about in the wet newspaper you brought me!

(Donny the Dolphin rolls his eyes but nods enthusiastically)

Terry: Okay. We’re going to dress you up like you’re a small shark. But one question, Donny.

Donny the Dolphin: What?

Terry: Can you swim?

Donny the Dolphin: Reee-eee-chirp-chirp- eee-reee!

(Donny the Dolphin swims from one edge of the pool to another)

Terry: That’s too slow, Donny. Too slow. Someone is going to have to train you if you’re going to win, if we’re going to be famous, if we’re going to take shark-racing by storm.

(Terry thinks.)

Terry: I’ll train you!

I Will Try Not To Breathe, I Will Hold My Head High

Synopsis: It is the not-too-distant future. The world is almost out of air. Instead of fighting for oil, people fight for the air they need to breathe.

Belto: I…I can’t breathe!

Hellwren (through Belto's earpiece): Shit, Belto! You’re in a no-air zone and your tank is on empty! Break out your emergency flora!

(Belto takes out a single rose encased in a small glass dome. He breaks the glass and we see the rose drinking heavy from the surrounding carbon dioxide. Soon it emits slow but steady bursts of oxygen and Belto gasps the oxygen greedily.)

Belto: Thanks, Hellwren. Close one.

Hellwren: Don’t waste time thanking me, Belto! Your rose only has 5 minutes. That means you’ve only got 5 minutes before you run out of air!

Belto (muttering): I could have sworn my oxygen tank was full. And at $4.00 for every gallon of oxygen, I think I know when I fill up my tank!

(Belto, the rose kept close to his nose, runs to an area marked breathing zone. He breathes the air just as his life-giving rose dies. Hellwren is waiting for him)

Hellwren: You wanna be another of those choke-isides? What’s the matter with you? You almost got yourself killed!

Belto: I don’t know what happened! I just filled up my oxygen tank two hours ago!

Hellwren: Then why does it say “empty”? Wait! It doesn’t say “empty” at all….it says “full of oxygen.” Belto, this thing has been tampered with. By enemies. Do you have any enemies?

Belto: Hmm, let me think, Hellwren…Let’s see….do you think….do you think it’s possible that I made enemies in the Oxygen Conglomerates by starting to research how to get breathable oxygen from carbon dioxide?

Hellwren: You’re a marked man, Belto.

Belto: Don’t I know it. This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren.

Hellwren: You need to defend yourself. You need to take precautions.

Belto: This wasn’t the first attempt on my life, Hellwren. It was the fourth. I barely survived the first attempt, and as a response I had a very controversial surgery.

Hellwren: No way.

Belto: Yes way, Hellwren. I had all of my fingers surgically made into gun barrels and now I can load bullets into my wrist and shoot bullets from my fingers. It’s the ultimate surprise weapon, and when I point at someone it means their days are numbered.

Hellwren: That surgery is illegal, Belto.

Belto: So is murder, Hellwren. So is murder. And so is Oxygen extortion, which is what I believe is going on here. People can’t breathe, and someone, someone is making a mint.

(Belto turns away from Hellwren, and we see Hellwren secretly throw away the missing parts of Belto’s oxygen tank gauge.)

Hellwren: Oh, I think you’re being paranoid, Belto.

Belto: Shut the fuck up, Hellwren. There is a war going on. People need air, Hellwren, and people die every day by way of suffication.

Hellwren: Yeah.

Belto: NO.

Hellwren: Well it’s not like we can do anything about it. One person can’t make a difference.

Belto: Well I’m going to make a difference.

(Belto shoots bullets from his finger-guns into the air)

Belto: I’m enlisting in the Army, Hellwren. I’m going to war so that everyone can have oxygen.

Hellwren: That is batshit bullshit, my friend. I think that high oxygen prices are both fair and reasonable. I mean, after all you can’t put a price on life, now can you? And you need oxygen to live.

Belto: I’m going to use my fingers for good. I’m going to make a difference by making oxygen free for everyone.

Hellwren: Well, if anyone can do it, it’s you’ Belto.

Hellwren (to himself): That is why I must kill you. With your own finger-guns