The Danger of Delicious: A Gerard Reinstein Story

Danny Vermont has just baked the world's best pie. Its crust is almost imaginary it's so good. It's filling is almost imaginary too. Take the best pie you have ever had and multiply that pie by an almost imaginarily high number. Divide by two. That is the pie that Danny Vermont has just baked. But the pie is more than the world's best pie - it is the most scrumptious and delectable morsel of food that the universe has known throughout its entire long and imaginary history. Such a pie should bring joy to the world. This pie may just well bring the end of humanity.

The pie becomes baked around the world. It's success is beyond imagination.

No one is eating their vegetables. They are eating pie. No one is is taking their medication. They are taking their pie. These people- the world - are pie-dying. For as almost imaginarily good as the pie is, it is not nutritious. It is made with preservatives and empty calories and some of my favorite toppings. But while delicious, it was never, ever, meant to sustain a healthy and balanced diet.

People forgo their health to eat this pie. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner - it is always Danny Vermont's pie. There is no time for aerobics or spinning classes when you have to spend that time in line for yet another succulent piece. Soon, everyone is super fat. Like, total cottage cheese butt fat.

Procreation is wasted pie time. The earth's population takes a nose dive like an imaginary contestant in a pie-eating contest.

One man, Gerard Reinstein, isn't going to take this shit. Gerard Reinstein is a celebrated space hero who lost his sense of taste and smell after trying to drown his space war memories in a 5-year coke binge. But that's all behind him. Gerard Reinstein is now a man who can take in his surroundings and process what is going on. What he has found is this - People are so CRAZY for this pie! The pie is an epidemic, and Gerard Reinstein is the epidemic's pandemic.

On a lonely yet noble mission, Gerard goes into pie factory after pie factory, shooting every pie he can find with an automatic shotgun laser. Pie filling splatters the walls as the greedy fat pie lovers desperately try to lick it off.

Let's get this straight: Gerard Reinstein blows up A LOT of pie factories. And even though he's doing it to save mankind, he becomes #2 on Earth's most wanted list. And #1 is the pie itself, because that's the kind of delusional pie lust the world has.

Soon, word starts to spread that Gerard Reinstein is part vampire, like in those Twilight books. It's not true, but it adds to his Joe Rogan's Fear Factor. Also, as a result, people try to stop Gerard with garlic and bottled sunshine. But Gerard just shoots those fools with his shotgun laser and moves on to shooting the next pie.

At the end of the movie there is just one pie factory left, but man is it a doozy. Maybe it's pie shaped. It is. Security around the pie factory is air tight. Nobody can break through - not without dying with a stake to the heart. Gerard, after feasting on the blood of a security guard, whips out the best and most realistic pie costume you have ever seen. Because why break in, when the pie gluttons can deliver him to their doorstep personally.


Sure enough, Gerard is soon discovered in his pie costume by the pie factory ITSELF. Scientists built the factory using human DNA, and so it's part alive and it sort of poops out the pies. Unnoticed in his pie costume, Gerard is brought to the explosive part of the factory, where he then bursts out of the best pie costume and starts shooting EVERYTHING. The pie factory blows up, but not before Gerard Reinstein gets hit on the head with a mallet by the factory. Gerard gets 4 things from the mallet. A concussion, his sense of taste, his sense of smell, and despair.

The movie ends tragically because sure enough, Gerard LOVES the pie. LOVES it. But he blew it all up. Plus he has no friends because people are mad and still think he's a vampire.