Warlock Computer

Thursday:

Ricky is alone in his room with a computer, which is rectangularly shaped. The very saddest warlock song is playing in the background.

Ricky: I’ve got to believe I’m doing the right thing. I will not be a warlock if they continue to racially segregate their schools. After 10 years of persuasion spells, I’ve finally come to realize that the League of Warlocks is never going to change. If they won’t change and I’m going to be a responsible 20-something, that means it’s up to me. I’m going to have to be Ricky the ex-warlock. But powers don’t just disappear. Hmmm…maybe if I transfer my powers…

(Ricky looks at his computer with those eyes of his.)

Ricky: That’s right, computer. I just might make you the most powerful computer ever. MAGIC!

(Ricky slowly puts on his warlock pants as he begins chanting an incantation. We are unable to make out all of the words he says, but we watch as Ricky cries blood tears and his sparkle blood drips onto the computer. The blood is like a delicious potion to the computer, and the computer laps it up greedily with a state-of-the-art circuit tongue. Looking at the circuit-tongue closely, it appears to be pierced and has a Pentagram stud. It did not originally have this)

Computer: (hard drive whirring)

Ricky: Oh no! I change my mind! Segregate the schools!

Computer: (same hard drive whirring)

Ricky dies because of the computer. Even though he had studied computers through books, it was not safe for him. The power and mystery of the computer’s hard drive, combined with the power and mystery of the Warlock Powers was simply too much. The computer kills Ricky. The computer now has warlock powers and a pentagram is etched into it by the serial number.

TWO THOUSAND YEARS LATER
Outside the ruins of Ricky’s house

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (stoops over and tastes the dirt, pensively) There’s something buried underneath all this rubble, Mecha-Watson. Something with a taste I have not tasted before (Eats more dirt).

Mecha-Watson: I am thirrrrrr-sty!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (picks up some of the dirt with his hands, compacts it into a dirtball, and licks it) Yes… Yes. By George, this is where we need to dig! I’m sure of it, Mecha-Watson!

(Together, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and Mecha-Watson dig. Just as night is falling, they uncover what they have been searching for. The iconic silhouette of Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones removes his whip and walks towards the warlock computer. He stoops down and rests a hand on the computer and then tries to gnaw on it a bit. The computer immediately powers on, startling Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones.)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Quickly, Mecha-Watson! They’ll soon be here!

(Mecha-Watson quickly grabs the computer. Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and Mecha-Watson are about to escape, when suddenly they are surrounded by a neo-militia armed with waterboard-guns. They are outnumbered 200 to one, meaning that there are exactly 400 neo-militia soldiers – 200 for Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and another 200 for Mecha-Watson. One of these 400 soldiers, clearly the leader, emerges and saunters a bit. He is wearing a belt that is non-martial arts in nature.)

Ripple Crush: I’ve been following you for a long time, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones. I’ve been following you since your first case, which we all know was extremely exciting with those mummies and I will not go into detail about it now. Anyway, I’ve certainly been following you long enough to know how long you’ve been looking for the warlock computer.

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones pupils possibly dilate mildly)

Ripple Crush: What’s this? Have I surprised the non-surprisable Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones? Yes, I’m afraid I know all about the warlock computer, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones. And now, of course, you’ve led me straight to it, and I can confiscate it for myself.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (stops licking dirt out of anger) Maybe you know about the warlock computer, but I’m telling you, you obviously don’t understand it!

Ripple Crush: Nope. Where was I? Oh, I’m sorry, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones - I’ve been rude. You should know exactly who it is that will kill you and your beloved Mecha-Watson. You’ve certainly earned that right. Allow me to introduce my name: It is Ripple Crush.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I already deduced your name.

Ripple Crush: You say that now.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I do. And, I must congratulate you. Our situation certainly seems dire.

Ripple Crush: It certainly is. I must say, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones, I’m very impressed by your bravery. I’ll let it be known that your last moments on Earth were not cowardly ones.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: My dear Mr. Ripple Crush, I’m afraid that’s where you and I must differ. You see, I feel quite strongly that these are not, in fact, my last moments.

Ripple Crush: Well I’m sorry to tell you that I --!!

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones solves the mystery of how to escape from 400 neo-militia)

Ripple Crush: (screaming to the empty night) Sherlock Indiana Holmes, Jones, I will have your head!!!

Scene: HOUSE OF SHERLOCK INDIANA HOLMES JONES

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones sits in antique leather chair, his hands cupped under his chin. He is staring at the Warlock Computer, which is still humming quietly. He is suddenly interrupted by the ring of his doorbell. He opens the door [no one stops him from doing so] only to find a large woman carrying a present with a big orange bow on it. The large woman may not be Ripple Crush in disguise).

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Hello?

Rachelle America: Hello? Inspector Doctor Homes Jones? I’m sorry - A man paid me 80 pence dollars so that I would deliver this package to you.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: This man! What did he look like?! Tell me everything you remember!

Rachelle America: Why I never saw him!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I therefore deduce that he contacted you via holo-mail and left the money on the doorstep.

Rachelle America: He did indeed! How did you ever figure that out! I hadn’t told a soul!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (shaking his finger teasingly) Ah, ah, ah! An Inspector/Doctor of archeology never reveals his secrets. However, I will tell you how I know where this orange-ish bow was purchased. If you lick this bow, you’ll notice a particular taste.

(Rachelle America’s eyes open very wide and, sticking out her tongue, she presses it against the bow and holds it there for a little while although certainly time is relative)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I’m sure you’ve now noticed taste of rust and earth. I can smell it from here with my great nose. As one might deduce, this orange bow is actually metal that was buried, oxidized, unburried, and finally twisted into a lovely bow. The sender must know that I’m an archeologist and inspector and thus would appreciate such fine craftsmanship. I mean look at it. It really is just a beautiful bow.

(Rachelle America removes her tongue from the bow and hands it to Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: And I mean if the bow is this pretty, the gift inside must be –!!

(Inside the box is Mecha-Watson’s grotesque and severed head)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Horror!!

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones drops the box and dashes away, not prancing. He runs to his room, where he slams the door and can be heard man-moaning in grief and terror. The camera follows Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and somehow goes through the door [although it’s quite obviously a solid door and made of the mecha-oak] and we see Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones with his head cradled in his hands. Even grown men cry sometimes)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Oh, Mecha-Watson… How I wish that U2 could have solved the mystery of escaping from 400 neo militia. (Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones stops and thinks, arguing with himself over something mysterious) But then…but…maybe…what if I could…no, it’s too dangerous…but if I could then….but….but…so maybe if I…. of course I’d have to be careful…but….LET’S DO IT!

Another Thursday:

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones is found in his basement. He has a warlock cap over his deerstalker and fedora hats. At his feet is the warlock computer and guess what it’s in a pentagram)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Warlock Computer! I command you to bring Mecha-Watson back from the dead!

(a Status Bar suddenly appears on the monitor, and we watch as the task slowly completes. Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones eats some dirt, nervously. The camera suddenly cuts to Ripple Crush’s eyes opening just as suddenly. He is wearing face-paint and a bone through his nose, and guess what, he knows what Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones is doing)

Ripple Crush: Yes! Yes, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones... Resurrect your friend! Everything is going according to my secret plan!

Later:

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Well I'm not piercing that! Gross!