Don't Eat the Baby

Scene: Hospital Room. A woman is giving birth

Gary: That’s it, honey. Breathe. Remember our Lamaze classes. You can do it.

Wife: Aaagh!

Doctor Ike: You’re doing fine. Now push.

Wife: I am pushing!

Doctor Ike: Here he comes, Heather. He’s crowning. You’re almost there.

Gary: You can do it, honey! I love you!

Wife: Aaagh!

(sound of baby Tommy crying)

Doctor Ike: Congratulations! You’re parents. Would you like to keep the placenta?

Wife: What?

Doctor Ike: Some couples like to keep the placenta. In fact, some couples even cook them and ingest their nutrients.

Wife and Gary: Gross!

Doctor Ike: Yes, some say it’s gross, but others feel it’s a way to grow closer to their child.

Wife and Gary: Hmmmm.

Scene: Gary and Wife’s house

Gary: What’s that smell, Heather?

Wife: Well…remember what the doctor said? About the placenta? I figured I’d cook it and eat it and we’d get closer to our baby.

Gary: Nasty!

Wife: Well, you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want to.

(Wife eats the cooked placenta)

Gary: Well? How is it?

Wife: It’s…it’s good. Oh. Oh yes. It’s very good. I just…I wish there was more of it! Mmmm, I can feel the nutrients inside of me…

Gary: Weird.

Wife: I wish there was more of it. I wish there was more… I’m so hungry now. So hungry….

Gary: Heather, honey? Why are you looking at me like that?

Wife: Shut up you bag of talking nutrients!

(Wife picks up the cooking pan and hits Gary over the head. Gary falls to the ground unconscious. Off camera, we hear the wife noisily eating Gary. When she comes up, she is like an animal. Her mouth is bloody, her eyes are crazy wide open, and her hands are held like sharp claws.)

Wife: (licking lips) Yes, so good. So goooooood! (yelling) The placenta I ate gave me a taste for human flesh!

(Little baby Tommy starts crying in the background.)

Wife: (listens to baby Tommy)Yes. Yes that sounds tasty too.

(Wife heads to baby Tommy’s room but is stopped by a knock on the door. She hesitates, but eventually the Wife goes to the door and opens it. Outside is Trevor, a HOLY BIBLE salesman. It is his first day on the job.)

Wife: (still covered in her husband’s blood) Yes?

Trevor: (reading from a presentation script and not even looking at Wife) Hello. are you Heather Ballican?

Wife: Why yes I am, Mr. Delicious Nutrients.

Trevor: (Still reading) Nice to meet you. I am not an ordinary salesman, Mrs. Ballican. An ordinary salesman, if you’re lucky, will sell you something that is guaranteed to last two lifetimes. But Mrs. Ballican, I am selling you something that you can use in two lifetimes. This lifetime and the next. And the next lifetime is eternity. Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE, Mrs. Ballican?

(Wife drools with hunger)

Trevor: (stares at his presentation script as he awaits an answer) Mrs Ballican? Do you already own a HOLY BIBLE? (looks up and sees just how damn bloody she is) Holy shit, Mrs. Ballican!

Wife: I’m going to eat you and then I’m going to eat my baby! (lunges at Trevor like a bloodthirsty wildcat. Trevor barely dodges her, as her hunger has made her quicker and more nimble than the average human being)

Trevor: Heather! You’ve got to be stopped!

Wife: Never! I’m going to eat everyone! I’m going to eat my baby Tommy!

Trevor: Mrs. Ballican, I will never allow that to happen!

(Trevor escapes the Wife and runs to a forgotten and abandoned cave.)

Trevor: I’ve got to stop her, but I can’t call the police. She’ll eat the police! What do I do? (Looks at HOLY BIBLE) Well, maybe this will work!

(Trevor reads the HOLY BIBLE and begins super praying. Suddenly, a golden light falls on him even though he is in a cave.)

Trevor: Wow. It works. It really works. Now I can stop Heather. She’s no match for the GOOD NEWS.

Meanwhile, at the Wife’s house

(Closeup on the Wife’s face)

Wife: MWAAAAAARRRR!!!

Note:
The dangers of placenta, or “afterbirth,” consumption are very real. Every day, people considering themselves “open-minded” cook and ingest the placenta of their newborn child. As the placenta is a human organ, this act is no less than an act of cannibalism, an act which the HOLY BIBLE is decidedly against. Please, if you know someone who is pregnant or just about to be pregnant, please warn them and give them the GOOD NEWS.