Billy: The winter harvest is dread, and the harvest is sure to be fruitful
Gale: Souls and fear, fear and souls. Blood, blood, rivers of blood.
Billy: Yes, Gale. And I offer you this decapitation proclamation: Death approaches at various speeds, but always too fast.
Gale: I agree. When will Death arrive? No one knows, but he only visits once.
Billy: The unwelcome guest that bears the gift of nothingness, flavored with regret.
Gale: I enjoy our conversations, Billy.
(doorbell rings)
Billy: As do I. But say no more - I heard the doorbell!
Gale: The doorbell rang just as we were talking of death approaching? What if it’s Death, Billy?! Don’t open that door!
Billy: Well…let me just take a little look out the peephole.
(Billy looks through the hole)
Gale: Well who is it?
Billy: Nobody. No one. Somebody just put a coupon for pizza on our porch.
Gale: Did you see anybody walking away?
Billy: No. Death is the unseen visitor.
Gale: Oh I don’t want to start that again. Can we talk about someone other than Death?
Billy: I thought you said that you enjoy our conversations…
Gale: I do, but when the doorbell rang right after we were talking about Death, I got kinda creeped out.
Billy: Fine. If you think death is too near to-
(doorbell rings)
Gale: Oh my God, Billy!
Billy: Oh come on, Gale. It’s probably just more pizza coupons.
(Billy looks through keyhole as Gale tenses with fear)
Billy: Ah ha! What did I tell you? More pizza coupons. Man, those guys are hitting the neighborhood hard today!
Gale: I guess so. Anyway, what were you saying? It wasn’t about Death, was it?
(doorbell rings and Billy looks again)
Billy: (somewhat scared) Pizza coupon again. This is getting weird.
Gale: I think it’s Death, Billy.
Billy: So what then? It’s death? Death is coming to our house and –
(doorbell rings)
Billy: Fucking doorbell! - and leaving pizza coupons just to mess with us?
Gale: Would that really be so weird, Billy?
Billy: Yeah it would, Gale. I can’t exactly picture death just walking around pranking people with coupons.
Gale: So you’re an expert on death?
Billy: It’s a concept! It’s not a person. We were just personifying it to seem edgy!
Gale: I wasn’t. Death is real and Death is a person. I’ve been capitalizing the D the whole time. I’ve met him! That’s why it creeps me out with all these pizza coupons!
Billy: You have? You…what did he look like?
Gale: Scary.
(doorbell rings)
Billy: What if it’s not a prank, Gale?
Gale: What do you mean?
Billy: What if Death is telling us to order pizza? What if we need to order pizza to live?!
Gale: But Billy, what if Death is telling us that ordering a pizza will kill us?
Later:
Gale: I’m not eating this pizza, Billy, and I don’t want you to either. I don’t want you to die!
Billy: And I don’t want you to die either! Eat the pizza!
Death: I’m not gonna say what you should do, but I’m glad you used the coupons.
3 comments:
this needs to be filmed asap. my advice is get a famous pizza brand to sponsor it. recommend: godfathers or shakeys. but it is up to u. who plays death? actors would ne chomping. or actress!
Hello Dr. Richard Elbows,
Thank you for your kind support. My idea is to have multiple pizza brands sponsor the movie, and the more money they contribute, the bigger the pizza coupon will be. Hopefully a bidding war will ensue and we'll have a few oversized-check coupons. With regards to your question on the actor or actress playing death, first let me commend you on your non-sexism. I was waiting for this question to pop up in the comments, and I was about ready to rip the head off of anyone who assumed an actor would be playing this part. Indeed, Death is a role that could be played by either sex. However, in this case, Death will indeed be male, as there is a funny scene later that occurs where Death accidentally sits on his own balls. I've written the entire part, as well as its spin-off "Death's Vacation of death" with Bob Ueker in mind for role. He's just got the best voice.
Hey HumanG! Finally just got back to reading this site after two years working in an arctic missle silo!!! Canyabelieveit?? WHAT???
I MISSED YOU!! I've been okayed by the psych departamento onboard this submarino to write blog comments and this is among my first! But hey man this screenplay was a tough read, man! All I've wanted for the past two years was a delicious pizza and then I read your site and pizza is all up with Death? Asshole for two years I was death.
Don't you get it? My finger was on the big red button and Kiev was gonna be toast, man! Toast! If anything happened how would I know if they deserved it? Just a bunch of kids, man. You should write a screenplay of my dreams, man. But man y'all would be writing a horror movie. YA'LL KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING???
I loved Warlock Computer.
Post a Comment