Who At The Door?

Billy:  The winter harvest is dread, and the harvest is sure to be fruitful

Gale:  Souls and fear, fear and souls.  Blood, blood, rivers of blood.

Billy:  Yes, Gale.  And I offer you this decapitation proclamation:  Death approaches at various speeds, but always too fast. 

Gale: I agree.  When will Death arrive?  No one knows, but he only visits once.

Billy:  The unwelcome guest that bears the gift of nothingness, flavored with regret.

Gale:  I enjoy our conversations, Billy.

(doorbell rings)

Billy:  As do I.  But say no more - I heard the doorbell!

Gale:  The doorbell rang just as we were talking of death approaching?  What if it’s Death, Billy?!  Don’t open that door!

Billy:  Well…let me just take a little look out the peephole.

(Billy looks through the hole)

Gale:  Well who is it?

Billy: Nobody.  No one.  Somebody just put a coupon for pizza on our porch.

Gale:  Did you see anybody walking away?

Billy:  No.  Death is the unseen visitor.

Gale:  Oh I don’t want to start that again.  Can we talk about someone other than Death?

Billy:  I thought you said that you enjoy our conversations…

Gale:  I do, but when the doorbell rang right after we were talking about Death, I got kinda creeped out.

Billy:  Fine.  If you think death is too near to-

(doorbell rings)

Gale:  Oh my God, Billy!

Billy:  Oh come on, Gale.  It’s probably just more pizza coupons.

(Billy looks through keyhole as Gale tenses with fear)

Billy:  Ah ha!  What did I tell you?  More pizza coupons.  Man, those guys are hitting the neighborhood hard today!

Gale:  I guess so.  Anyway, what were you saying? It wasn’t about Death, was it?

(doorbell rings and Billy looks again)

Billy:  (somewhat scared) Pizza coupon again.  This is getting weird. 

Gale: I think it’s Death, Billy.

Billy:  So what then?  It’s death?  Death is coming to our house and –

(doorbell rings)

Billy:  Fucking doorbell!  - and leaving pizza coupons just to mess with us?

Gale:  Would that really be so weird, Billy?

Billy:  Yeah it would, Gale.  I can’t exactly picture death just walking around pranking people with coupons.

Gale:  So you’re an expert on death? 

Billy:  It’s a concept!  It’s not a person.  We were just personifying it to seem edgy!

Gale:  I wasn’t.  Death is real and Death is a person.  I’ve been capitalizing the D the whole time.  I’ve met him!  That’s why it creeps me out with all these pizza coupons!

Billy:  You have?  You…what did he look like?

Gale:  Scary.

(doorbell rings)

Billy:  What if it’s not a prank, Gale?

Gale:  What do you mean?

Billy:  What if Death is telling us to order pizza?  What if we need to order pizza to live?!

Gale:  But Billy, what if Death is telling us that ordering a pizza will kill us?

Later:

Gale:  I’m not eating this pizza, Billy, and I don’t want you to either.  I don’t want you to die!

Billy:  And I don’t want you to die either!  Eat the pizza!

Death:  I’m not gonna say what you should do, but I’m glad you used the coupons.

11:34

Tagline: It’s 11:34. Hope you’ve said your prayers!

Scene: 5^th grade classroom. Math class is in session. Hunter Sterlington, a 10 year-old boy with an odd angel-shaped birthmark on his forehead, is working with his solar-powered calculator, as Hunter, even at 10, is environmentally conscious. His shirt has an upside-down tree on it.

Hunter: So if I have 1000 apples and I buy 100 pears, 30 oranges, and 4 cherries, I’ll have a total of –

(Suddenly, a bully throws a spit-wad at Hunter, causing him to drop his calculator. Hunter picks the calculator up upside down, but as he does he slows and his mouth opens in a silent scream. The film freezes as the camera rotates from Hunter’s eyes to the upside down calculator. The readout on his calculator quite plainly reads “hELL.” He turns the camera right-side up and the number reads 1134)

Hunter: (whispering) 1134 is upside-down hell! 1134 is hell! So….?!

(Hunter’s eyes widen, growing larger and more beautiful as the realization hits him. We see the fear in his eyes and our heart just fucking breaks.)

Hunter: At 11:34, the devil! The devil and hell!

(Hunter’s eyes shoot to the clock. It is currently 8:30am. The teachers, in a scene to be included in the Blu-ray extras, previously decided that in the afternoon, kids are tired and are much less likely to pay attention during math. “Why not teach it early?” asked Mrs. Timple, an actress playing a rookie 2^nd grade teacher. In the year since this was implemented, higher test results have already indicated that when taught early in the day, children tend to retain much more of the math they learn. Fortunate for the kids, but extra fortunate because it gives Hunter 2 hours and 4 minutes before hell o’clock. He’ll need every goddamn minute.)

Mrs. Bolton: What was that, Hunter Sterlington? Did you say something?

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton! Look! Loooooooook…..(He shows Mrs. Bolton the upside-down calculator).

Mrs. Bolton: Why your calculator says “hell”!

Hunter: It does. Now let me turn it right-side up (he does so, gracefully and dexterously, his nimble fingers expertly moving the calculator back into right-side-upsville). 1134. Put a colon in the middle and it’s 11:34! Mrs. Bolton, the devil and hell are going to be here at 11:34!

Mrs. Bolton: Hunter Sterlington! No. The separation of church and state!

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton, excuse my harsh language, but that is horseshit. The devil doesn’t care about the constitution! He’s the devil! He cares about souls, Mrs. Bolton. Souls. Yours and mine and everybody else’s. He feeds on them like they’re greasy fried chicken legs. He licks at them with his forked tongue. “Mmmmm,” he says. “This soul tastes like teardrops on pillows!” Then he chomps at them ravenously, breaks them apart with his teeth, and digests them with his demon intestines like you taught us about in Health last week. And just like digested fried chicken, Mrs. Bolton, after each soul goes through his evil and twisted intestines, the devil takes a huge soul poop in the metaphorical toilet of Hell’s wasteland. But he’s never done, Mrs. Bolton. His hunger is eternal! And at 11:34, the devil and hell will march their way up to Nevaeh Elementary, and they will feast on a buffet of the innocent!

Mrs. Bolton: I see. But Hunter…? What if…what if we’re not so innocent?

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton? It’s okay. You can tell me.

(Hunter looks up at her, his eyes understanding. In that second – that instant – we understand that Hunter Sterlington has that rare magic seen in people where he can care about them and listen, truly listen, to what they are saying. Hunter has the kind of compassion that’s really…well there aren’t even words for it. If there was a word, it would have to be a mix of compassion and non-judgementalism. [compassanojudgalism?]).

Mrs. Bolton: (crying) I…I… sell heroin to my students!

Hunter: I know. I buy it back from them and throw it away.

Mrs. Bolton: Thank you.

Hunter: You can thank me by getting a gosh darned priest in here STAT. And Mrs. Bolton?

Mrs. Bolton: Uh-huh?

Hunter: Start praying.

Mrs. Bolton: I will. I will pray forever (starts saying the Lord’s Prayer in Latin, a language she spoke growing up because her Dad taught Latin).

(Hunter rushes off, quickly reaching his elementary school gym. Once there, he kicks the doors open with his boot)

Hunter: Boo-yah. This is where I will train the army of exorcist child soldiers

Whole Different Scene:

Hunter: Here they come, everybody! Ready…on my mark…..Now! Start dancing now! Do the Angel’s Kissyboo!

(The kids start doing this dance move, all to the terror of Satan’s army)

Sgt. Demon Firecles: No! They’re not supposed to know that dance! Quick! Cut off their legs!

(Although the Angel’s Kissyboo dance causes Satan’s Army unspeakable, paralyzing pain, one of the demons is able to cut off the legs of one of the children. With one less child dancing, the pain is slightly less intense, and other demons are able to summon the strength to cut the legs off of other children. This gets easier for them with each legless child. Hunter narrowly evades losing his legs as he backs up towards the door)

Hunter: Retreat!

Children: We…we can’t!

Hunter: Oh no! I forgot about your legs! (runs out of gym)

(As Hunter runs through the hallway, we see children and teachers fighting a losing battle because Hell’s wrath is eternal and undying)

Hunter: If only this had happened tomorrow! I’m THIS close to finishing my .38 caliber demon neutralizer!

(Hunter hides in the teacher’s lounge, which has so far been miraculously spared from the battle. Suddenly, a ghostly translucent man appears with a flat square hovering above his head. He’s got a greenish color around him)

Hunter: Be you angel or devil, spirit?!

Triumverant: There are more choices than those, human Hunter Sterling.

Hunter: Spirit, you’re going to have to explain yourself quickly. Legless children depend on it.

Triumverant: What if I told you that sure there were demons and angels, but that there was also a secret species of spirit.

Hunter: Unbelievable!

Triumverant: Believe it, human Hunta Sterla. Equate it to the fact of this: Your human society has within it secret societies, am I not correct? For example Skull and Bones, Illuminati, The Priory of Sion, etc.? These groups are known of vaguely, but most information is based on rumors?

Hunter: That’s true!

Triumverant: Well, human Huntel Sterlel, my spirit species is like your secret societies; Angels and demons know of us only in legend, yet we exist all the same. Through infiltration and whispers, we influence each spirit faction and guide them towards the ultimate purpose of the Triumverant.

Hunter: So then….you’re responsible for this big ol’ mess at my school!

Triumverant: Bingo. We hate schools.

Meanwhile:

Girl: My legs! Where are my legs?!

Demon: I have urinated on them and then eaten them, child.

Later:

Hunter Sterlington: Even if I could beat the demons, I’d still have to beat the Triumverant. And, if I can beat both the demons and the Triumverant, my soccer team will never win the championship without any legs!

Later:

Soccer Referee: Goal!

Piano Played

Bully: Hey Tad! Have fun at your piano lessons, you stupid prissy girl!

(Tad Newton looks at the Bully. For a moment they truly understand each other)

Later:

Male Piano Teacher: Tad, are you being bullied at school?

Tad: Forget about it.

Male Piano Teacher: No Tad… I never forget. Never…

Tad: Right. Ah yes. Bring it back to your days with the Vietcong. Strange how that’s coming up again. Hey, is that what my parents pay you for? Being a shell-shocked loser? Because I thought they were paying you to make me a maestro. My mistake.

Male Piano Teacher: You know, I’m allowed to remember things during these lessons, Tad. I’m a Male Piano Teacher, but I’m a person too. I…I can’t help what I remember.

Tad: I know, I just-

Male Piano Teacher: -you’re just upset. You’re being bullied, I get it. Are they saying you’re a girl? Are they calling you a girl for taking piano lessons?

Tad: I do NOT want to talk about it, ok?

Male Piano Teacher: Listen, you’re not a girl for playing the piano, Tad.

Tad: …

Male Piano Teacher: You’re not. You’re a girl for not playing it well.

Tad: !!!! What…what do you mean?

Male Piano Teacher: Name me some famous piano players.

Tad: This is stupid.

Male Piano Teacher: Go on, do it.

Tad: Fine! I will do it! Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Joel

Male Piano Teacher: Dudes. Name me a famous girl piano player.

Tad: …I….I can’t!

Male Piano Teacher: Girls can’t play the piano, Tad. Well… they can, just not very well.

Tad: I never thought about it that way before.

Male Piano Teacher: There are a lot of things girls can’t do, Tad.

Tad: You’re right!

Male Piano Teacher: Now stop playing the piano like a girl.

(Tad plays a beautiful and heart-wrenching melody, as he comes into his manhood and maestro’s the shit out of the piano noun)

10 Years Later

(Tad is 27 and his trail-blazing fingers are running across the piano as if they are filled with octane and cigarettes. He is on stage by himself in a sold out square garden surrounded by devotees. He wears a crown made entirely out of piano keys. As he finishes his song, the crowd is stunned and there’s a beat of silence before they start clapping their hands off and cheering like they’ve witnessed whatever it is they most wanted to see in life – proving conclusively that Tad’s music means different things to different people)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen!

(the crowd goes seriously wild)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen! I have something to say!

(crowed LOVES that he has something to say)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen! (Tad holds up his hand and the audience immediately quiets) THAT, is how you play the (swear)ing piano.

(Tad walks of stage, not looking back)

(1st of 4 Sequential Montages. We see Tad grow more famous and even wealthier. Shots of bigger sold out arenas, people getting Tad Newton tattoos where he’s giving a thumbs-up, but maybe his thumb looks like a piano key, newspaper headlines declaring Tad the Champ, and shots of Tad shaking the hand of a Presidents and Kings. Shots of Platinum records on the wall that have been arranged in the shape of a Grand Piano.)

(2nd Montage, appearing directly after 1st Montage. We see Tad start doing drugs and spiraling out of control, and then there are shots of him getting his act back together and becoming a better piano player and realistically, a better person as well. Shot of Tad throwing away his cigarettes and returning a case of energy drinks to the Safeway, and then a shot of Tad finishing the composition of an amazing piano symphony that, in an implied and unseen montage, he had started and had trouble finishing)

(3rd Montage, right after 2nd Montage. References other montages, but focuses mostly on how Tad’s family feels about his success. Shots of people who are likely related to Tad looking fondly at a picture of an art project that Tad may have made in elementary school.)

(4th Montage, right after 3rd Montage. Headlines of ANOTHER piano star growing famous, who is a WOMAN. Her name is Melody, and through a series of shots showing her fingers rocking keys, we know that somehow, despite her gender, she is the real deal. At this point, the montage would pause, and the audience would be given a quick survey and mini-pencil, with the question, “Girl Piano Player? Can you believe it?” and then a “Yes” and a “No” box for the audience check. When at least 75 surveys are completed [some people may need to take the survey more than once, depending on attendance and theater size], the montage song would end just as Melody would finish playing the song on the piano.)

(Camera cuts to a gigantic pink mansion. Tad is banging on the door furiously while wearing his piano vest. A butler named Derek opens the door.)

Tad: Where’s Melody?!

Derek: You’ll never find her!

Tad: But I must! Don’t you see?! I’ve got to make her love me! She’s the only one who comes close to understanding me, even though objectively I’m still a better piano player!

Derek: So this isn’t about the makeup bill?


Later:

Tad: Hey Melody! Look at this bumper sticker! It’s so funny!


Later:

Melody: That’s such a cool finger move you do in that piano song you play.

Tad: I call that move “Melody’s Twinkle.”

Melody: After….me?

Tad: Count on it.

Melody: I have a move too. It’s called… “I love you Tad Newton.”

Tad: ;-)


Thursday:

Melody: That sidewalk reminds me of my days in the Vietcong.

Tad: Melody?! You’re….you’re MALE PIANO TEACHER?!?!

Melody: Shit.