Tirby: I don’t know... This cave is really dark. There could be bears or something in here. Maybe we should find something else to go into.
Helen: Oh come on, Tirby. Give me a break! We’re in a forest!
Tirby: Fine. We’ll go into the cave then.
(Helen and Tirby go into the cave and they keep walking even though they can’t see anything. Time passes, as it is wont to.)
Tirby: Hey Helen. Did you know I have a cousin who is blind?
Helen: That must be so hard. Because if you think about it, the earth is really beautiful.
Tirby: I know.
Helen: Hey Tirby?
Tirby: Yeah, Helen?
Helen: I’ve been dead for like an hour now.
Tirby: That is so funny, Helen.
Helen: You’re right. I was joking.
Tirby: Oh.
Helen: Except I’m not joking! I’m dead. I tripped and snapped my neck back there.
Tirby: What? So you’re a ghost?
Helen: Do I feel like a ghost?
(Sounds of Helen putting Tirby in a full-nelson.)
Tirby: Woah. So if you’re not a ghost, then what are you?
Helen: Who knows. It’s like pitch black in here.
Tirby: Hey, let’s dig up a bunch of corpses and bring them in the cave and see if the cave makes them come alive.
Helen: Okay. I’ll wait here because I can’t leave the cave and I know that because I wrote it in my diary yesterday because I’m a psychic.
Tirby: Okay. I’ll go get a bunch of corpses.
(Tirby goes to the surfer prisoner cemetery and digs up a bunch of surfer prisoner corpses. He puts them all in a huge wheelbarrow and brings it to the cave.)
Surfer Prisoner: We’re going to kill you, Tirby.
(In the dark and through the chaos, the sounds of Tirby putting on his rollerblades are heard)
Tirby: Not today, surfer prisoners.
(Sounds of Tirby rollerblading deeper and deeper into the cave, deftly jumping over obstacles and stalagmites that he can’t even see.)
Helen: Tirby? Why’d you bring surfer prisoner corpses?!
Tirby: I’m sorry! I thought one of the bodies might be…I thought I might find my dad.
Helen: Oh Tirby…I’m so sorry. You never told me.
Tirby: Well…I never met my dad. Mom said she never told him I existed. It was a one-night-stand kinda thing. She didn’t even know his name.
Helen: Then…how do you know he was a surfer prisoner, Tirby?
Tirby: How? Because he never came looking for me. He never checked, never called my mom back. That kind of person should be in the ocean jail.
Helen: You’ve damned us all, Tirby. Damned us all.
(Sounds of the surfer prisoners getting closer)
Tirby: Sorry. Hey Helen? Have you figured out what you are yet? I mean, you’re not a ghost, but you’re dead and still talking. Make some sense out of that.
Helen: Tirby, please. Will you get off my back? I don’t know. Shine a light on me and we can find out.
Tirby: But what if you’re a monster that lives in this cave and somehow, nobody knows how, you can read the mind of corpses and animate them and you do it all so that people will shine a light on them because maybe light gives you some kind of power.
Helen: NAILED IT!
Tirby: ????!
Helen: RAAARRGH!
(Tirby is heard screaming and then quickly relacing his pro-quality rollerblades.)
Tirby: I got these rollerblades as a Christmas present!
Helen: COOL.
Tirby: I’m sorry, Helen. I’m sorry you died.
Helen: RAAARRGH!
Tirby: But tell me one thing, cave monster. Helen…the real Helen…when she was alive…was she ever really a psychic?
Helen: YOU BET.
Tirby: Later!
(Tirby is heard rollerblading and making a gun out of a stalagmite.)
Later:
Helen: Maybe I’m just an animated corpse and maybe this will all end tomorrow, but I need you to know…I’ve fallen in love with you.
Surfer Prisoner: I love you too. I’m Tirby’s dad.
Helen: Let’s go find him and force him to shine light on us.
Surfer Prisoner: I can’t see a damn thing.
Later:
Tirby: I’ve got to go to the bathroom!
Later:
Tirby: Thank you. And what I have come to learn, everyone, is that when things are dark, when it looks like there’s no light at all and it couldn’t possibly get any darker, if during these times you really try and open up your soul, then during these times you can see more clearly than you ever have before.
(Tirby pops his collar)
Mayor: He murdered Helen! Stab him!
Tirby: Oh shit!
10 comments:
Hey-- first time commenter, long time reader. I just want to congratulate you on this screenplay. It's really "Top Notch."
I do want to say one small thing though, that I thought could really improve the work. Of course I could be wrong, and I understand the concept of the "Artist's Vision", but here it is: cut out the prisoners.
Prisoners are scary as hell. Everyone likes a scary movie, but you can go too far. People can be too scared, and you're going to do it with those prisoners. You'll create enmity, if you know what I mean, with your audience.
Because think about it-- Prisoners are big, strong men who have already committed crimes, and then they go to prison and workout and learn how to be even scarier from other prisoners. Terrifying.
But I don't want to be the jackoff who has criticism but no solutions. So I'd recommend having your reanimated corpses be this: surfshop employees. And isn't it just as likely that her dad would be a surf shop employee? Instead of being a damn prisoner? I don't think you get anything dramatically out of prisoners-- if anything you lose it because people are distracted by the prisoners and can't stop thinking about them. They could be around any corner! Better to just not have them in the movie.
Think about it. And if you don't think about it, then instead just remove those prisoners.
I really look forward to reading this screenplay with all those prisoners removed. Prisoners are bad news for screenplays. Better take them out.
Hey-- I just read this blog for the first time.
I have to agree with what Patty said (below). You really are going too far by using all those prisoners. They are too scary. Did you know prisoners have to go number 2 in front of other prisoners? That's great if you want to change a person to an animal with out fear or shame!
You can change them easily. It's simply a matter of editing the post and doing a search for "prisoner."
You could replace them with anything, like say firemen or surfers.
Hey pattymcgoo and ladysmith. Thanks for your comments. I found them insightful and educational. I guess, as the screenwriter, I'm able to achieve a certain distance from my screenplays. As such, I didn't realize exactly how terrifying Shine a Light on Cave was when I added prisoners. And while I do want my movie to be scary, I'm certainly not trying to give people nightmares. I found the surfer idea very comforting, and as you can see, I've made the changes you requested. Thanks for your input, and please keep reading.
Shit man-- I just got linked to this site from Hey YouWeNeedMoreGoonies2Screenplays.livejournal.org, a website you may know about that focuses on creating screenplays involving the characters from Goonies to make a sequel to the original film. It's a great site.
Of course I LOVED this screenplay, involving as it does friendship and caves (like the Goonies). But you're not going to believe this next part-- when I was reading it the first thing I thought was "Where are all the prisoners?'
Having read these other comments, I see you actually had prisoners in your screenplay but then took them out! In my opinion, that was a big mistake.
I see the point Patty McGoo and ladysmith are trying to make-- prisoners really are terrifying. But they can be used in a screenplay to great effect! Of course I'm thinking of the brother's Fratelli from Goonies. They were prisoners, weren't they? In fact one of them had just been busted out of jail, which means he was so close to the primitive and dehumanizing effects of being in prison that he could have murdered anyone without a thought! (Jake!). That scares the fucking shit right out of my asshole, dude.
But in Goonies that scariness is used to create a more dramatic movie-- and the constant fear all the audience members have after learning that Jake is a prisoner lends an air of dread right up until the closing credits.
Human Gorilla-- you should absolutely put the prisoners back in. That's the real deal truth.
Everyone loves the Goonies, right???
Thanks for hearing me out.
YO H TO THE G
AGREE WITH THOMAS. ALTHOUGH YES PRISONERS ARE SUPER SCARY AND MAYBE TOO SCARY, SURFERS ARE NOT SCARY ENOUGH. EVERYONE LOVES SURFERS SINCE PENGUIN SURFING MOVIE. BETTER TO ERR ON THE SIDE OF MAKING PEOPLE TOO SCARED THAN NOT SCARED ENOUGH. AT LEAST THEN PEOPLE FEEL SOMETHING. THAT IS ALL PEOPLE REALLY WANT.
Wow-- it's perfect now!
Loving it now. This is exactly the right amount of terrifying.
My friend, you have found a perfect solution. I'll be telling my friends at HeyYouWeNeedMoreGoonies2Screenplays.livejournal.org and at WatchAnimalsDie.com all about this. I know they'll be huge fans.
BIG UPS TO H TO THE G
I NEVER WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF COMBINING SURFERS AND PRISONERS. OBVIOUSLY IT TAKES THE EDGE OFF THE PRISONERS SINCE YOU KNOW THEY ARE LONGING FOR THE WAVES ETC.
AWESOME NICE WORK.
This is bar zero the scariest screenplay I have ever read. I hate you for writing this, because I know I'll never get it out of my head. Everything all these other people wrote on here is dumbass.
It isn't exactly your fault. But MAY I RECOMMEND before you write a screenplay you do a LITTTLE BIT OF RESEARCH and check the internet to see if any teenagers were ever kidnapped by surfers, taken to their surf cave, humiliated and forced to dress like sail-barge Leah for more than two weeks, then, after those surfers were caught and sent to prison, had the exact same thing happen to him after the prisoners escaped on literally the first day he had felt safe to go back to the beach.
Total time dressed as Leah? Almost a month. So fuck you and your astonishingly terrifying screenplay. If you want to write a GOOD screenplay that won't infuriate a lot of your listeners like myself, I recommend you make it about some hikers who learn to dance in the mountains to help them get over bad experiences that they had.
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