LARS VONSON: I've always been different.(INTENSE Flashback. 3-year-old LARS cuts himself on a piece of glass. A black substance oozes out from his injury.)
LARS' DAD: Are you okay, son? Wait… what is this? What kind of blood is this?! You're a freak, Lars! My kid is a freak! Lars, you get the hell out of my sight! I can be poor and abusive without you! I ain't never wanna see you again!
(Cut to PRESENT TIME. LARS is in a WHEELCHAIR)
LARS: But people don't like it when you're different.
(Cut to LARS in high school. He gets punched in the mouth from a bully)
LARS: Pfffha! My mouth!
Bully: I ain't never punched nobody with blood like this! What a loser! Take his freak wallet!
(Cut to PRESENT TIME. LARS gets up from the WHEELCHAIR. He was just PLAYING with it and DOESN'T NEED it.)
LARS: But some people…some people, when they find out you're different…some people try and steal what makes ya special.
(BULLETS rip through the walls and LARS DUCKS behind a couch.)
LARS: Never let them take it.
(Quickly, LARS takes out a POCKETKNIFE and cuts his hand. Instead of blood, BLACK DROPLETS fall to the floor. LARS makes a trail of his black blood that leads to a stack of FIREWORKS. BULLETS whiz by him. LARS JUMPS back behind the couch and pulls out his ZIPPO LIGHTER.)
LARS: Happy 4th of July, dickweeds.
(LARS lights the trail of black droplets on fire, which easily ignite and quickly set the fireworks aflame. LARS uses the distraction and ESCAPES out the BACK DOOR)
LARS: My name is Lars Vonson. I bleed oil.
(Opening Credits)
LARS: They found me again, Todd. They found me. Don't call it a safe house if it isn't safe! Who knew I was there?
TODD: Nobody knew!
LARS: Somebody knew, Todd. Somebody knew and it almost killed me. Listen. You know how you have blood that keeps you alive?
TODD: Yes, yes. We've been through this! –
LARS: – Well I have oil! I have an unending supply of a precious fuel resource, and it flows through my veins like it was the most natural thing in the world!
TODD: But it isn't the most natura–
LARS: I KNOW IT ISN'T! That's why the government wants me! That's why they'll stop at nothing to catch me! I'm worth untold billions to them, Todd, and it doesn't matter if they catch me dead or if they catch me alive. They're going to clone the hell out of me either way.
TODD: Wow. Well maybe I told my girlfriend.
LARS: Then your girlfriend is a spy.
TODD: Don't say that!
LARS: It's true!
TODD: Nobody says that about my girlfriend!
(TODD pulls out a GUN like he's going to shoot LARS. LARS PUNCHES HIMSELF hard in the face and quickly HOLDS his lighted ZIPPO LIGHTER to his mouth.)
TODD: I don't care how much you're worth. Nobody calls my girlfriend a spy and lives!
(Before Todd can pull the trigger, LARS uses the OIL-BLOOD that has been accumulating in his MOUTH and by SPITTING it through the ZIPPO LIGHTER. LARS becomes a human FLAME THROWER and he lights TODD on FIRE. TODD screams and fires wildly into the air.)
LARS: Happy 4th of July, Dickweed.
(LARS looks at a CALANDER and it is STILL the 4th of JULY)
TODD: I'm….I'm sorry.
(TODD DIES)
LARS: No, I'm sorry Todd. I'm sorry she's a spy and I'm sorry it broke your heart. And I'm sorry I burned you to death. Please know that even if your spirit can forgive what I've done, know that I can never forgive myself.
(Cut to: A Government OFFICE at nighttime. LARS is breaking in. He HEARS two SECURITY GAURDS talking and LARS HIDES in the SHADOWS)
SECURITY GUARD 1: I feel like our job is too easy. With doors this squeaky, we can hear intruders coming from a mile away.
SECURITY GUARD 2: I know! It's enough to wake up a sleeping security guard!
BOTH: LAUGH!!
SECURITY GUARD 1: Let's go sleep.
(LARS, from the shadows, thinks for a minute and then looks at the DOOR HINGES and then looks at his HANDS and then looks at his POCKETKNIFE and then looks at the DOOR HINGES again.)
(Cut to: THE RAIN FOREST. LARS has smeared his own Oil-blood all over his body, and he is perfectly camouflaged against a muddy cliff)
FRANK: I know you're out there, LARS! Do us all a favor and either turn yourself in or shoot yourself! There's no way out of here! Freaks don't win, Lars! Freaks never win! You're nothing more than a human oil factory!
(LARS steps away from the muddy cliff and it turns out he's RIGHT BEHIND FRANK. But FRANK HEARS LARS and he turns and puts LARS in a CHOKE-HOLD. FRANK gets OIL all over his NEW SUIT. It is RUINED.)
LARS: ARGH! But… there's one thing… about oil factories.
FRANK: What's that?
LARS: They're extremely flammable.
(LARS lights himself on FIRE. The pain is unbearable, but FRANK also catches on FIRE.)
FRANK: I'm on fire! The burning! The burning!
(LARS pours BAKING SODA all over himself, dousing the oil fire. FRANK Continues to burn to death.)
LARS: Blood type "O" Positive. "O" for Oil.
(Cut to: A NURSERY HOME. An OLD MAN is in a wheelchair)
OLD MAN: And that's the story of Lars, the man whose blood was made of oil.
NURSE: Where do you come up with these stories? Come on. It's time for your bath. Your skin is looking dirty and oily.
OLD MAN: Yes. It does that.
(The OLD MAN WINKS at the camera and then gets up from his WHEELCHAIR. He was just PLAYING with it and DOESN'T NEED it.)
CREDITS.
