Coming to Term

Year: 1941
Place: Top Tropical Government Lab

Sgt. Barl Mensop: (Gruff and serious) Are you sure?

Red Winston: Yes. Yes sir. I double checked.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: And the father? Do we know who he is? I mean, who could even do this?

Red Winston: We don’t know. This is all very new. We have to be very careful. It’s a very delicate pregnancy.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: Well how far along is she?

Red Winston: There’s no way of knowing sir. We think it’s still early, but those are just guesses. You have to understand - we’ve just never witnessed this type of pregnancy before. She could give birth tomorrow, or next year, or she could give birth 68 years from now.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: 68 years?!

(An explosion occurs because it’s the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Red Winston dies because the force of the explosion rips his head off. Barl Mensop survives that, but then is impaled by a bomb.)

Sgt. Barl Mensop: (dying) I can’t….die! If I die there… there will be no one to…tell the world that…the planet Earth…is pregnant! (dies)

Sixty Seven Fucking Years Later:
Scene: A newly married couple is sailing their boat in the Pacific Ocean
Lady Tepper: Dang it!

Laurence Tepper: What?

Lady Tepper: Oh, I just dropped my pregnancy test in the water. I fished it out, but it’s got ocean water on it now.

Laurence Tepper: Wait a holy shit minute! This pregnancy test says “baby”! But that means…

Lady Tepper: That’s impossible, Laurence.

Laurence Tepper: Here... Put another one in the water.

(Lady Tepper puts another pregnancy test in the water. The two stare at it in silence. Again, the word “baby” appears on the pregnancy test.)

Laurence Tepper: Earth is pregnant! This Earth. The Earth I’ve lived on my whole life. It’s pregnant and it’s going to have a baby.

Lady Tepper: What should we do, honey?

Laurence Tepper: We have to let people know. We’ve got to tell the government, an Earthologist, and a Gynecologist! And we’ve got to do it STAT.

Later
Scene: Just the Oval Office
Dr. J. Roberts: Mr. President, it’s true. I know it sounds incredible, but it’s true. Earth’s due any day. But there are –

President X: What will the baby look like? Will it look like me? Like you?

Dr. J. Roberts: The baby will look like a ------------------- (Dr. J. Roberts’ voice is censored and we can’t hear what she says)

President X: Amazing!

Dr. J. Roberts: With all due respect, Mr. President, you bet it’s amazing.

President X: (Ushers my dad out of the Oval Office, and then whispers frantically to Dr. J. Roberts) But what’s this I hear about problems?

Dr. J. Roberts: There were…complications

President X: What do you mean, “complications?”

Dr. J. Roberts: You have to understand, Mr. President, the Earth has been pregnant for a long time. 67 years, we estimate. And we didn’t know! None of us knew!

President X: ….

Dr. J. Roberts: All of the pollution, the mining, the drilling, I mean that kind of stuff takes its toll….

President X: Spit it out, Roberts. Tell me what’s going on!

Dr. J. Roberts: (sighing) It’s Earth’s baby, Mr. President. It’s going to be retarded.

President X: We should’ve taken better care of our environment! We’ve been so careless!?

Dr. J. Roberts: I’m sorry, Mr. President.

President X: Do we…do we know how retarded?

Dr. J. Roberts: Well, we don’t have anything conclusive, yet. We just know it’s pretty bad.

President X: God, oh God!!....What have we done?!

Dr. J. Roberts: That’s not the question to ask, Mr. President.

President X: I’m the president.

Dr. J. Roberts: What we need to ask is “Who’s the father?”

President X: Well?!

Dr. J. Roberts: We don’t know.

President X: I need you to find out, Dr. J. Roberts.

Dr. J. Roberts: I will, Mr. President, but with this type of Earth pregnancy, I’ll have to wait until the Earth baby is born until I do an exciting DNA test.

Thursday:
Dr. J. Roberts: The Grand Canyon is fully dilated! It’s coming!

(In moments, the Earth’s retarded baby’s head crests from the Grand Canyon. Two hours later, there is a small, severely handicapped planet resting on Earth. Its oceans are made out of gravy and its trees grow sideways and bear broken toy fruit. The only thing that lives on the planet are horseys, and even though they’re real, they look like a stupid first grader drew them.)

Severely Retarded Baby Planet: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.

President X: My God.

Later:
Dr. J. Roberts: (brushing her red hair out of her eyes) Mr. President, I have some terrible news.

President X: Ok.

Dr. J. Roberts: The baby planet’s retardation is affecting everything on Earth. The average IQ, worldwide, has dropped by over 25 points.

President X: Tell, me, Dr. What should we do? How do we proceed?

Dr. J. Roberts: I’m…I’m worried that the only way to…the only way to bring back the intelligence of the world is to…is to kill the retarded baby planet. And I hate that solution.

President X: !!!

Dr. J. Roberts: And…and I don’t know for sure! I don’t want to rush into this. Sir, I’m having trouble trusting my judgment, knowing full well that even my own intelligence has been lowered. I mean, maybe there’s another way! Must we really kill this planet miracle, just for our own intelligence?

President X: An ethical question beyond even Aristotle.

Dr. J Roberts: Aristotle's the father!