Mouth is 37, and he’s just been laid off from work. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and he’s wearing his bathrobe. He goes to get the mail and finds a fancy envelope addressed to him in gold lettering.
Mouth: What the fuck? Who’d send me this fancy shit? No sé.
(Mouth opens the letter)
Mouth: No way! This is too cool! It doesn’t say who it’s from, but I’m supposed to be at the beach of Astoria at 7:00 tomorrow
Thursday:
(Mouth walks up to a man at the beach. Who is standing. It is 6:45)
Mouth: Mikey? Is that you?
Mikey: Mouth? Hey man. How’s it goin’. Yeah, it’s me. (Mikey scratches his arms frantically and wipes his nose) Good to see you, bro.
Mouth: Hey, what’s this letter about?
Mikey: Shit, I don’t know. I got one too. (Mikey continues scratching each arm) You didn’t send it?
Mouth: No man, it wasn’t me. Hey, you alright? You’re not looking so good
Mikey: Um…yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not feeling well is all.
(Andy, the babe from the first movie who 23 years later is still looking pretty good, is extremely pregnant. She walks towards Mikey and Mouth, holding a letter.)
Andy: Mikey? Mouth? I haven’t seen you in years. Did you guys send me this letter?
Mouth: No. We got one too. What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?
Andy: Looks like.
(An Asian man rises from beneath the sand)
Data: I’ve been here the whole time.
Mouth and Andy: Data?
Mikey: Data?
Data: That’s me! (invents something)
Mouth and Andy: Laugh! Same ol’ Data!
Mikey: (wiping his nose and scratching at his arms and looking sick) Hey, I gotta go for a bit. I’m just gonna use the restroom for a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere without me.
(Mikey leaves)
Data: So we’ve all been called here
Mouth and Andy: Yep. And look! There’s everybody else!
(Brand and Stef and Sloth and Chunk arrive)
Brand: What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?
Mouth: I know, right?
Andy: That’s funny, Brand. Mouth said the same exact thing like two minutes ago.
Brand: Really?
Mouth: Yeah…
All: ……
Brand: So…where’s Mikey?
Mouth: He just went to the bathroom. He’ll be back in a sec.
Chunk: So everybody got one of these letters?
All: Yeah.
(Mikey returns. He looks better, and very relaxed and happy)
Mikey: Shit! Everybody’s here. Unreal.
Mouth: But what’s this about?
(All of a sudden, Chunk trips on a hidden rope. It’s a tripwire that causes a two-story meat cleaver to rise from the sand. It’s about to chop Chunk in half, but Sloth pushes Chunk out of the way. Chunk is saved, but Sloth is sliced neatly in twain. His top half slides to the beach ground.)
All: Scream!
Chunk: Sloth! No!
Sloth: (dying, but speaking clearly now that he’s separated from the retarded half of his body) Hey, Chunk. Listen to me. I need you to be strong. I need you to promise me that you’re going to be strong.
Chunk: (crying, though in his late 30’s) I can’t do it, Sloth! I need you! You’re my best friend! We’ve been through so much together! I’m not strong without you!
Sloth: Yeah you are, buddy. You always have been. Now you have to listen to what I say. I have the feeling that you’re about to embark on another Goonies adventure. That’s awesome, and I know it’s going to be amazing and dangerous and everything you want it to be. And it might seem like you’re gonna have to do this one alone, Chunk, but you’re not.
Chunk: Sloth!...
Sloth: I’m gonna be right there with you. You won’t be able to see me, but I’m going to be watching you from heaven. I’m gonna make sure you get the gold or the jewels or whatever it is this time.
Chunk: Thank you, Sloth. You’re the best friend I ever had.
Sloth: You too, little buddy. Know that I always appreciated how patient you were with my retarded brain. (dies)
Mouth: I’m sorry, Chunk. He’s gone.
Chunk: (looking up) He’s not gone, Mouth. He’s watching me. He’ll always be watching me. From heaven.
Andy: There’s no such thing as heaven.
Data: Look! Out there in the ocean! A boat!
(A small rowboat drifts toward them with nobody inside. They approach it, and inside the boat is yet another fancy envelope with gold lettering)
Brand: What the?!
Mouth: (reading the letter) Dear Goonies, I hope this letter finds you well. As you know, awhile back you loosed an old pirate ship full of gold onto ocean. This letter is to inform you that the ship sails still. And though the ship sails, it is slowed and weighed down by tons and tons of gold doubloons. The ship challenges you, all of you Goonies, to come find it. And whoever finds it first may claim its gold as their own. P.S. Yet beware! One of you is a secret pirate.
Brand: You heard, ‘em boys! First one to find Willy’s ship gets the gold! (Brand dives into the ocean and begins swimming toward the horizon)
Mouth: Idiot. We’ll need boats. Lots of boats if we’re going to find this thing.
Mikey: (Murmuring) We don’t have boats.
Later:
Mouth: We lets steal some boats then.
Later:
Chunk: Man, every time we get close to Willie’s ship, the secret pirate distracts us!
Mouth: But who’s the secret pirate?
Data: (rising from beneath the ocean) The letter said it was one of us. That means a Goonie is the secret pirate!
Mouth: I know. And we need to find out who. STAT. That’s why we need you to finish inventing your traitorotron.
Data: I can’t, Mouth! It’s too hard, too complex. I’m a genius inventor who’s not from the United States. But God Damn it, I still can’t invent a traitorotron. (thinks and gasps) But a robot I'll invent can!
Mikey: (scratching his arms and looking sick) I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes.
Later:
Stef: Run for it!
Andy: Fratelli skeletons? No way! I am sorry, but I am way too in labor for this!
Thursday:
All except Brand: Goonies!
Chunk: I wish Brand hadn’t drowned earlier.
