Blown All Up!

Mysterious Man: Good Morning, Mr. F. While you were sleeping we took the liberty of surgically implanting thousands of micro-bombs into your stomach. Isn’t that something?

Mr. F: What?!

Mysterious Man: We have given you power. The strength of these micro-bombs range from that of a grenade to that of a nuclear bomb. If all of your bombs were simultaneously detonated, you could blow up something the size of the moon.

Mr. F: You mean I’m gonna blow up?

Mysterious Man: No, Mr. F., I should hope not. You see, we have taken each micro-bomb and set its individual timer to go off only when it is most needed. I cannot tell you how we know when you will need each bomb. I can only tell you that we have the ability to see the future. Also, I can guarantee that no matter what your situation, you will have precisely enough time to place a bomb and escape unharmed. Of course, you cannot waste a second.

Mr. F: So I’m like an explosive superhero.

Mysterious Man: Yes. Or an explosive super villain. The power is yours and thus, so is the choice.

Mr. F: Wow. I can…I can do anything! Still, I think I’m going to try to be good. I’m going to try and use these micro-bombs to do things like save people and ensure justice and–

(Mr. F blows up in an incredibly massive explosion. Opening credits. As the opening credits roll, we watch a moon-sized chunk of the Earth rocket through space, hurling away from the sun. The camera zooms in on Roddy Gotham, a survivor and resident of the rocketing Earth chunk.)

Roddy: Woah! Look, there’s a new moon in the sky! Wait! Oh Gaaaahd! Nooooooooo! It’s part of Earth! But…but that means…

Victoria: What, Roddy?

Roddy: It means we’re gonna die, Victoria! It means we’re speeding through space away from the rest of the Earth! It’s going to get cold, it’s going to get dark, and then we’re going to die.

Victoria: But I don’t want to die!

Roddy: I know, Victoria. I don’t either. Not anymore. Not since I’ve found you.

Victoria: Thanks. Well, couldn’t we just build big rocket thrusters and attach them to our current chunk? Then we could jet around space and meet up with the rest of Earth!

Roddy: Yes. Yes we could! Victoria, you’re a genius! Let’s do what you just said!

Victoria: Okay!

Later:

Roddy: We’ve completed our rocket thruster! Now just call Florida and see if they’ve finished theirs!

Victoria: I did, Roddy. And they’re done. But there’s just one problem-

Roddy: NOOOOOOOO!

Victoria: Take a pill, Roddy. Geez.

(Roddy takes a pill. It is an ecstasy pill and it is illegal)

Victoria: Roddy, did you just take an illegal pill?

Roddy: Victoria, the pill I just took is illegal on Earth. Earth, Victoria. But we’re not on Earth anymore. We’re on an Earth chunk which I consider a whole new planet, a planet where the laws have changed. I’m going to call this planet Bonersaurus Rex.

Victoria: You are opening up a can of worms, Roddy!

Roddy: And I’m so high!

Victoria: Dammit Roddy! Dammit, you’ve got to snap out of it! We’ve built two enormous rocket thrusters but we didn’t think about how we’d bring them together! Each one is bigger than Mount Everest, Roddy! How are we going to move them!?

Roddy: Hmm…Well, why don’t we just build rocket thrusters on top of the other rocket thrusters and then move them that way?

Victoria: That’s so smart it just might work!

Roddy: Yeah. I’m so cold.

Victoria: Roddy? Roddy, is that you? I can’t see you, Roddy! It’s so dark!

Roddy: Yeah, Bonersaurus Rex is getting too far from the sun. We’re going to have to build the rocket thrusters for the gigantic rocket thrusters in very dim lighting!

Victoria. Dear God.

Roddy: I’m legally overdosing!

Later:

Victoria: Roddy is dead. Bonersaurus Rex may not have laws, but make no mistake: it has sorrow and it has consequence. Roddy’s overdose has doomed us all. Without him, there’s simply no way we can finish the rocket thrusters for the huge rocket thrusters.

Mayor: Who said that? I can’t see.

Victoria: I know! It’s dark and it’s cold! We’re too far from the sun, we’re all going to die.

Mayor: Hey, you think maybe we could just fire the enormous rocket thrusters where they are? I mean, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Victoria: Sure, whatever.

Mayor: I can’t find the ignition button! I can’t see!

Victoria: Well use a f***ing flashlight!

Mayor: Nevermind. I found it! Here.

(The Mayor pushes the ignition button. The enormous rocket thrusters fire, igniting everything around them in a bed of fire)

All: Scream!

Victoria: And so I die, enveloped in the fiery warmth I once longed for. SCREAM.