History Scholar: Think about it. Noah was on his ark for a long time. The ark had to have two of every creature. Some might say it’d be impossible to feed that many animals.
Chet: I wouldn’t say that.
History Scholar: Well you’d be fucking wrong. As this chart of animal metabolism shows, there is no possible way that an ark of the Bible’s specific dimensions could contain two of every animal and enough food to feed them all.
Chet: What are you saying, History Scholar?
History Scholar: I’m saying that God enchanted the ark. I’m saying the animals didn’t need to eat while on the ark.
Chet: But that means…
History Scholar: That’s right, Chet. Wherever the ark is, trapped inside of it are animals no one has never seen, animals who have lived inside the ark since the Great Flood but remain alive because they haven’t needed to eat anything. Finding the ark would be the single greatest discovery in the history of biology. Alas, the ark’s location is one of the world’s most unsolvable mysteries.
Chet: I know where the ark is!
History Scholar: I know you do, Chet. That’s why I’ve asked you here. As Noah’s sole surviving relative, that knowledge has been passed down to you for generations. Tell me, where is the Earth hiding the ark?
Chet: It’s in the
(Upon hearing this, a man that was hiding in the library’s shadows silently slips away. His silhouette shows that he has tentacles instead of arms and at the end’s of the tentacles are holding rapiers.)
History Scholar: Excellent! We’ll leave tomorrow.
Later:
History Scholar: Think about it, Chet. This single grain of sand has lived through more history than all of mankind put together.
Chet: What about this sand?
History Scholar: Yes. That one too. Every sand.
Chet: And we’re in the
History Scholar: Indeed. And somewhere in this desert, buried beneath billions of grains of sand, is our ark. And in that ark? Creatures never before seen.
Chet: I can’t wait, Mr. Scholar. I’ve never had a pet before.
(The silhouette of the tentacle-armed man slips further back into the desert’s shadows.
Later:
Lars Adolph: Yes, thank you gentlemen for doing all of the work for me. Now I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you both to step away from the ark. (points guns at History Scholar)
History Scholar: I see. I might have known it was you, Lars. You’ve been the mole all along.
Lars Adolph: The mole? Hmmm. Perhaps, by your bastardization of the word. I prefer to call myself an infiltrator. The real mole, the true mole, stepped off of this ark almost 5000 years ago.
Chet: So what? You’re just going to kill us and take all of the credit for discovering the unknown creatures?
Lars Adolph: Damn the credit! I’m going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams! Don’t you get it?
History Scholar: Get what?
Lars Adolph: Oh my gosh! You really don’t get it!
Chet: Fine, but could you please tell us?
Lars Adolph: Okay. In this ark, nothing needs food! But what is more, in this ark, you can live forever! I can chop it up into a billion pieces and sell each sliver for a million dollars! I’m talking about immortality, gentlemen. I’m talking about the power of God. I can use this ark to gain the unlimited wealth which I can then use to fund my unlimited life span.
Chet: But what about the mysterious animals that are living inside?
Lars Adolph: I couldn’t care less. I’m allergic. Let. Them. DIE!
(Lars Adolph shoots his machine gun into the air)
History Scholar: Chet?
Chet: Yes, Mr. Scholar?
History Scholar: I’m scared.
Even Later:
Lars Adolph: Okay, but I must warn you. I was the rapier champion at
Tentacle-Armed Man: Consider myself warned.
(They duel, both of them using two rapiers.)
History Scholar: Quick, while Lars is distracted! Lets see what those ark animals look like!
Chet: I’m on it.
Latest:
History Scholar: Tentacle-Armed Man! You’re bleeding!
Tentacle-Armed Man: Yes, I’m afraid Lars had quite a talent with rapiers.
Chet: But you’re going to be okay, right?
Tentacle-Armed Man: Oh Chet… I don’t think so. Not this time.
Chet: But you can’t die! You’re my friend!
Tentacle-Armed Man: I’ve been alive for almost 5000 years. That’s a long time, Chet. It’s too long, frankly. It’s my time to go. I have tentacles.
Chet: No!
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