The Thing about Frim-Fram

Neil: Geez, my stomach really hurts.

Neil’s Mom: God. Drive yourself to the doctor if it hurts so much.

Neil: Fine, I will. Drive yourself to the bar if you need to drink so much.

Neil’s Mom: Fine, I will.

Neil and Neil’s mom both get in separate cars and drive away.

(While Neil is driving to the doctor, his stomach bursts open. Inside is a furry creature that peaks out from Neil’s stomach and smiles at him)

Neil: AAAAAAGH!!! What the fuck?

(Neil bleeds all over his car.)

Frim-Fram: Hey Neil! I’m Frim-Fram, your stomach pet! Don’t worry about the bleeding, I can patch this up in no time!

(Frim-Fram licks the area around Neil’s wound and the bleeding stops. Frim-Fram remains half-emerged from Neil’s stomach. He looks up at Neil and smiles, proud of himself.)

Frim-Fram: Sorry about that. I just wanted to meet you so badly!

Neil: I’m dreaming. I’ve got to be dreaming.

Frim-Fram: Well that’s not true. And is that any way to meet somebody new? Tell them they’re not real?

Neil: Sorry, I just…I don’t know what’s going on. People have stomach pets?

Frim-Fram: Some people do! The lucky ones do!

Neil: The lucky ones? I’ve got a talking furry creature poking out of my stomach. How is that lucky?! I’m a freak! What am I gonna do in P.E.? Everyone will see!

Frim-Fram: Oh, you’ll be fine.

Neil: God, and not just P.E! Even with a shirt on I’ve still got this football sized talking protrusion sticking out! I can’t hide that!

Frim-Fram: Come on! I’m Frim-Fram! You’re supposed to be happy! We’re supposed to be friends!

Neil: I’ve got friends!

Frim-Fram: No you don’t Neil…. You know, I’ve been in your stomach for a long time… The other kids they just….they just don’t understand you. But now, now you’ll have a friend with you wherever you go! And I’ll help you make new friends!

Neil: You mean…you’re going to make me popular?

Frim-Fram: You bet I will, Neil. I’m Frim-Fram! I’m a stomach pet!

Later

Neil: No, Frim-Fram, they don’t like me, they like YOU!

(Frim-Fram puts on his sunglasses)

Frim-Fram: Frim-Fram!

Later:

(Phone Rings)

Neil: Hello? This is Neil. Oh, hey Heather! How are you? Oh…you want to talk to Frim-Fram? Oh. Just a second. (to Frim-Fram) Here. It’s for you.

(Neil hands the phone to Frim-Fram)

Frim-Fram: Hey baby. You used the dial and made me smile. …. Shoot girl ….Yeah, I’m interested…. For you, anything….I’ll have Neil walk me over…. Yeah, I can bring the booze…

Neil: (whispering) I’m 16, Frim-Fram! I’m not getting alcohol! I’m not going to take you anywhere.

Frim-Fram: (still on the phone) Alright, Heather. See you in ten. And Heather? Wear something…comfortable.

(Frim-Fram hangs up the phone)

Neil: Damn it, Frim-Fram! I’m tired of this! For four months you promise me popularity, but all I am is just a tag-along! Nobody wants to talk to me! I’m just some third wheel whose stomach pet girls like to make out with!

Neil’s Mom: You’re a loser! My kid is a freak loser!

Neil: Have another drink, Mom! Maybe that’ll solve your problems!

Frim-Fram: Calm down, Neil. Like I said, this is all part of the process. These girls are gonna fall in love with me and I’m gonna break their hearts. And whose shoulder can they lean on then? Yours. Just sweep in and take care of them. And once everybody sees how many girls you’re getting, you’ll have more friends than you know what to do with!

Neil: I don’t like it. I’ve changed my mind. I want to do this on my own.

Frim-Fram: Don’t make me laugh. Didn’t you hear what your mom said? You’re a loser! You can’t do shit on your own. Now shut up and walk me over to Heather’s place. I have a feeling she wants to do more than make out tonight.

Neil: No.

Frim-Fram: What did you just say?

Neil: No. No, I’m not going over there. Heather’s a nice girl and I’m not going to be a part of this.

Frim-Fram: You better be real careful what you say, son. You best think real hard. Remember, I’ve got my feet resting here in your insides. Right now they’re sitting there all peaceful like. But they’ve got claws, Neil. They’ve got claws and they’re starting to feel restless.

Neil: You’d…you’d kill me?

Frim-Fram: Without a second thought. Without remorse and without blinking an eye.

Neil: But you’re…you’re my stomach pet!

Frim-Fram: Wake up, Neil. Who’s whose pet?

Later:

Shobo-Nobo: I’m Frim-Fram’s stomach pet!

Neil: This can’t be happening!

Neil’s Mom: Nobody cares, Neil. You’re a failure. You’ll always be failure.