Doesn't Anybody Car/e?

Marcus: You can call me Marcus. I am a car.

(Shot of a man driving a 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: I cannot speak. I cannot communicate in any way. Despite my wishes, my thoughts are mine alone; they are trapped within the very confines of my existence. I am a car.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic stops at a red light)

Marcus: The man, the driver, uses me to take him from place to place. I have no say. I go where he steers me.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic takes a free right turn at the light)

Marcus: You get used to it. Like it or not, it’s what I was made for. Sometimes, I pass others and wonder, “Do they think as I do? Are they equally trapped, equally muted in their steel-frame bodies?”

(A car passes the 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: But I’ll never know. I’m just a car. Life is passing me by as I pass it by.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic pulls into a gas station)

Marcus: Loneliness is my unseen passenger.

(The driver gets out of the car and goes into the gas station)

Marcus: My driver likes coffee and peanut butter cups. He wears suits on Sundays and he often forgets his briefcase. He likes talk radio. That’s all I know about him.

(The driver comes back and starts up the 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: I like him okay, I guess.

(The driver pulls out of the parking lot)

Marcus: I wish he knew more people. Another passenger would be nice. Any change of pace.

(It starts to rain)

Marcus: How long will I be here? How long is this going to go on?

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic drives a generic, uneventful street)

Marcus: Sometimes I hope the driver will get into an accident. I don’t want him to get hurt, I just wonder if I’ll be able to feel anything. Even pain would be something.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic drives through a mud puddle and gets covered in grime)

Marcus: I’ve never cared about being clean. That was always the driver’s thing. But now, when I get dirty, he doesn’t seem to care. I guess I kinda miss the caring.

(The driver, crying, stops at the Golden Gate Bridge. He steps out and jumps off. The 2003 Brown Honda Civic remains in Neutral with the driver’s door open)

Marcus: He’s not coming back. I’m so alone. Maybe a car will hit me. Maybe it’ll hit me and push me over the bridge. I wanted to come too, driver. I wanted to come too.

(A teenage gang member gets into the 2003 Brown Honda Civic and drives off)

Marcus: I’m being stolen. I don’t know how to feel.

Later:

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic is in the bottom of a gully, stripped of its wheels, grill, seats, steering wheel etc.)

Marcus: No one will find me. No one knows I’m gone. I just want this to stop. Why am I here if I can’t talk, can’t even scream?

(It gently starts to rain. From the top of the gully, two teenage boys take aim and start firing their bb rifles at the 2003 Brown Honda Civic.)

Drug Suitcase

Trichelle: I can’t be with you anymore, Clive. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t love me.

Clive: Come on, Trichelle, It’s not that I don’t love you. I so do. It’s just that sometimes I’m too sleepy to say it!

Trichelle: To sleepy? That is b.s.! Narcolepsy isn’t even real! You don’t love me!

Clive: Narcolepsy is real, Trichelle! And I do too! I do too love you!

Trichelle: I’m not even a little bit convinced.

Clive: What do I have to do to convince you?

Trichelle: You probably can’t convince me!

Clive: I’ll do whatever it takes to convince you, Trichelle. Right… (yawn)…right after this nap…

Trichelle: This is unreal, Clive. This is unreal.

Clive: (snore)

(8 hours later)

Clive: (awaking) Trichelle? Trichelle are you still there?

(Clive looks around to see that she has gone)

Clive: Damn it! I probably love her and I need to prove it to her!

Nelson: Hey Clive, I can help you out, baby.

Clive: Oh no! Nelson, you are a drug dealer. You can’t help me out.

Nelson: Oh yes I can. I can help you stay awake cool. Look, I’ve got speeeeeeeed….

(Nelson opens up the suitcase he was carrying. The suitcase appears to glow a little and a ton of speed pills spill onto the floor.)

Clive: Come on. You’re telling me that those speed pills will stop me from getting sleepy?

Nelson: You bet I am, mamma-jamma.

Clive: Right sure but you just want to get me hooked on drugs.

Nelson: Mmmm-hmmmm…

Clive: Okay…well…how much for the suitcase?

Nelson: How about I give you this suitcase full of speed and you give me Trichelle?

Clive: What?

Nelson: It’s easy breezy, baby. You give me Trichelle and you get this whole suitcase full of speed. Oh my God, it’s so fly.

Clive: I…I can’t get Trichelle unless I have speed, and I can’t get the speed unless I give up Trichelle!

Nelson: Oooh-weee!

Clive: I guess…I guess the only thing I can do is agree. I lose Trichelle either way. At least this way I get a suitcase full of speed.

Nelson: Now you’re catchin’ on! Shooot….

(Nelson hands Clive the suitcase full of speed and then walks away with a limp)

Clive: Wait! Nelson! You didn’t tell me how many of these pills I’m supposed to take!

(Nelson doesn’t answer so Clive takes a lot of pills)

Clive: I’m invincible! I can run like a bullet! I can jump like a kangaroo! With this energy I can stay awake! I can win Trichelle back! Goodness, my heart...my heart is beating so fast!

(Clive runs and jumps extremely fast. His eyes are wide open and his teeth are clenched. But the dangerous drugs are soon too much, and he quickly begins screaming)

Clive: AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

(Clive’s heart literally bursts out of his chest. Clive falls to the floor and his eyes watch in amazement as his heart, still beating, bounces down the hill. Clive was on a hill when this happened)

Clive: ….I’m…so…sleepy….

(Clive dies. Just as he does, eight-year-old Terry Yondle walks up and sees the closed speed suitcase)

Terry: Oh boy a suitcase! I’m gonna play businessman!

(Terry takes the suitcase and walks away)

Elsewhere, down the hill:

Trichelle: I don’t know, Nelson. You’re a bad boy and I like that, but I don’t know if I’m ready for you. You see, I just broke up with Clive like eight hours ago.

Nelson: Oh baby, baby. You’ve been ready for me for a long time. Shoot. Let’s not kid ourselves, I’ve seen where your eyes wander.

Trichelle: Well…as long as you don’t hurt anybody.

(Clive’s beating heart, bounces into Trichelle’s forehead)

Trichelle: (screams) This…this heart! Oh my God, this heart! I know it! I’d know it anywhere! It’s mine. He said it’s always been mine, and he was just using it. Clive…he’d always say that (Clive had said these words earlier, perhaps during the credits?) But if this is the heart he was using, that means….CLIVE IS DEAD! You did this to him, didn’t you Nelson?! I hate you! You and I will never be!

(Trichelle runs away crying)

Nelson: (to himself) Well if I don’t get Trichelle, that means Clive don’t get the suitcase full of speed! I’m gonna go get what’s mine!

Dirty Cop A Plea

Cop: So, it turns out that the cop is a dirty cop after all!

(Gun shot from the darkness)

Cop: Nooo!

(He dies and bleeds all over the carpet and furniture)

(Later)

Cop 2: Looks like what we’ve got here is a clear case of murder.

Cop 3: Murder!?

Cop 2: Plain as day.

Cop 3: But why? Why would someone murder a cop?

Cop 2: Well maybe he knew something he shouldn’t have, something that was a secret.

Cop 3: What are you saying?

Cop 2: I am saying that maybe this cop found out about a dirty cop!

Cop 3: A dirty cop! This is not the movies! What makes you say that? Do you know anything about a dirty cop?

Cop 2: If I did, I would be a dead.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)

Cop 5: I want to know why he had to die! (shoots an assault rifle into the air)

Cop 2: I don’t know how I’m going to solve this case of the dirty cop.

Cop 3: Hey. You are going to solve the case of the dirty cop like you solve all of the cases you solve. You will solve it through hard work, intelligence, strength, faith, family, friends, and if necessary guns.

Cop 2: Thank you, friend. Thank you for this believing in me.

Police Radio: Attention all units: There is a crime going on two blocks from here.

Cop 3: Come on! That crime is occurring on our beat! It looks like there are other fish to fry!

Cop 2: Yes but first appearances can be deceiving.

Cop 3: Yes they can. Off to the other crime scene!

(At the other crime scene)

Cop 2: Look a burglary was committed here.

Cop 3: But this is just a warehouse full of police files. These files are not worth anything!

Cop 2: You are right. Wait no you are wrong! Think about this idea. Maybe the burglar wanted the files because they had some incriminating evidence in them. Wait! Maybe the burglar stole the files so that we would not find the incriminating evidence.

Cop 3: I guess anything is possible.

Cop 2: Hm. I am wondering that maybe this case is connected with the other case

Cop 3: Well now you are imagining things.

Cop 2: We will see. I hope you are right. We will see. I hope you are right.

(A non-mustached Cop 4 secretly watches and listens from behind a couch)