Tirby: I don’t know... This cave is really dark. There could be bears or something in here. Maybe we should find something else to go into.
Helen: Oh come on, Tirby. Give me a break! We’re in a forest!
Tirby: Fine. We’ll go into the cave then.
(Helen and Tirby go into the cave and they keep walking even though they can’t see anything. Time passes, as it is wont to.)
Tirby: Hey Helen. Did you know I have a cousin who is blind?
Helen: That must be so hard. Because if you think about it, the earth is really beautiful.
Tirby: I know.
Helen: Hey Tirby?
Tirby: Yeah, Helen?
Helen: I’ve been dead for like an hour now.
Tirby: That is so funny, Helen.
Helen: You’re right. I was joking.
Tirby: Oh.
Helen: Except I’m not joking! I’m dead. I tripped and snapped my neck back there.
Tirby: What? So you’re a ghost?
Helen: Do I feel like a ghost?
(Sounds of Helen putting Tirby in a full-nelson.)
Tirby: Woah. So if you’re not a ghost, then what are you?
Helen: Who knows. It’s like pitch black in here.
Tirby: Hey, let’s dig up a bunch of corpses and bring them in the cave and see if the cave makes them come alive.
Helen: Okay. I’ll wait here because I can’t leave the cave and I know that because I wrote it in my diary yesterday because I’m a psychic.
Tirby: Okay. I’ll go get a bunch of corpses.
(Tirby goes to the surfer prisoner cemetery and digs up a bunch of surfer prisoner corpses. He puts them all in a huge wheelbarrow and brings it to the cave.)
Surfer Prisoner: We’re going to kill you, Tirby.
(In the dark and through the chaos, the sounds of Tirby putting on his rollerblades are heard)
Tirby: Not today, surfer prisoners.
(Sounds of Tirby rollerblading deeper and deeper into the cave, deftly jumping over obstacles and stalagmites that he can’t even see.)
Helen: Tirby? Why’d you bring surfer prisoner corpses?!
Tirby: I’m sorry! I thought one of the bodies might be…I thought I might find my dad.
Helen: Oh Tirby…I’m so sorry. You never told me.
Tirby: Well…I never met my dad. Mom said she never told him I existed. It was a one-night-stand kinda thing. She didn’t even know his name.
Helen: Then…how do you know he was a surfer prisoner, Tirby?
Tirby: How? Because he never came looking for me. He never checked, never called my mom back. That kind of person should be in the ocean jail.
Helen: You’ve damned us all, Tirby. Damned us all.
(Sounds of the surfer prisoners getting closer)
Tirby: Sorry. Hey Helen? Have you figured out what you are yet? I mean, you’re not a ghost, but you’re dead and still talking. Make some sense out of that.
Helen: Tirby, please. Will you get off my back? I don’t know. Shine a light on me and we can find out.
Tirby: But what if you’re a monster that lives in this cave and somehow, nobody knows how, you can read the mind of corpses and animate them and you do it all so that people will shine a light on them because maybe light gives you some kind of power.
Helen: NAILED IT!
Tirby: ????!
Helen: RAAARRGH!
(Tirby is heard screaming and then quickly relacing his pro-quality rollerblades.)
Tirby: I got these rollerblades as a Christmas present!
Helen: COOL.
Tirby: I’m sorry, Helen. I’m sorry you died.
Helen: RAAARRGH!
Tirby: But tell me one thing, cave monster. Helen…the real Helen…when she was alive…was she ever really a psychic?
Helen: YOU BET.
Tirby: Later!
(Tirby is heard rollerblading and making a gun out of a stalagmite.)
Later:
Helen: Maybe I’m just an animated corpse and maybe this will all end tomorrow, but I need you to know…I’ve fallen in love with you.
Surfer Prisoner: I love you too. I’m Tirby’s dad.
Helen: Let’s go find him and force him to shine light on us.
Surfer Prisoner: I can’t see a damn thing.
Later:
Tirby: I’ve got to go to the bathroom!
Later:
Tirby: Thank you. And what I have come to learn, everyone, is that when things are dark, when it looks like there’s no light at all and it couldn’t possibly get any darker, if during these times you really try and open up your soul, then during these times you can see more clearly than you ever have before.
(Tirby pops his collar)
Mayor: He murdered Helen! Stab him!
Tirby: Oh shit!
