Delay of Game

Scene: During a Yankee game, an alien ship descends onto the field. Yankee 3^rd baseman Morgan Ensberg steps out from the ship. The spaceship flies away.

Morgan: Hey everybody! I’m back!

Umpire: Morgan? We didn’t know you were gone!

Morgan: What do you mean you didn’t know? Who’s playing 3^rd base?

Umpire: That’s what’s so strange, Morgan…You’re!

(the camera goes to third base and sure enough, there’s Morgan Ensberg, playing catch with the shortstop)

Morgan: But that’s impossible! I’m right here!

(Morgan Ensberg stops playing catch and walks over to Morgan Ensberg)

Morgan: Hey! What’s going on?!

Morgan: That’s what I want to know.

Morgan: You look just like me!

Morgan: I guess I do. That’s so – Quick! Everybody run! There’s a werewolf on the field!

(nobody sees a werewolf)

Morgan: Morgan?

Morgan: Yeah?

Morgan: I don’t see a werewolf. Were you trying to say that you are the werewolf?

Morgan: No! Of course not! You mean…you mean you don’t see it?

Morgan: I’m sorry, no.

Morgan: That’s so weird. I guess…I guess that when the aliens took me they made it so I imagine werewolves are everywhere.

Morgan: Woah. I’m glad I’m not you.

Morgan: But you are! Look out! A werewolf!

Morgan: No. There are no werewolves.

Morgan: Hmmm.

(the crowd starts to boo)

Umpire: Can you guys talk about werewolves later? We’ve got a game going on here. Morgan, you’re needed at 3^rd base.

Morgan: I’m not going anywhere near 3^rd base. That’s werewolf country.

Morgan: He was talking to me.

Morgan: Oh. But I’m on the team too.

Morgan: Oh really? Well let me just check the roster. Let’s see, I see the name Morgan Ensberg. That’s me. I’ll check that one off. Now…le’s see…I’m looking for the name “The Morgan Ensberg Who Thinks There Are Werewolves Everywhere” That’s so strange. It’s not on here.

(Meanwhile, there’s no such thing as werewolves)

Morgan: You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Morgan: Go back to where you came from, Morgan. Go call your alien buddies and get the heck out of here. There’s only room for one Morgan Ensberg, and I’m him.

Morgan: Don’t you see? I can’t go back! They’re gone. The aliens are gone. They left and they’re not coming back. So here I am. I’m suddenly in a world that doesn’t want me. I suddenly don’t belo- Look out! It’s the wolf man!

Morgan: Somebody get him out of here.

(Security comes and takes Morgan Ensberg away)

Morgan: Don’t take me, you idiots! Take the other Morgan Ensberg! The one wearing the alien spacesuit!

(Security releases Morgan and then walks away, sullenly)

Umpire: Hey look! A full moon!

Morgan: You know, maybe I should get some psychiatric care. I’m really…I’m sorry, but it really looks like there are werewolves all over the place.

Morgan: I’m done talking to you.

Umpire: Don’t be like that, Morgan. Morgan, if you think you need psychiatric care, that’s certainly an option. Do you think we can discuss it later though? Everyone here is waiting for this baseball game to resume.

Morgan: Sure. Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Baseball’s really great and I certainly don’t want to ruin it for any fans.

Later:

Morgan: Hey Umpire?

Umpire: Yes?

Morgan: Can you get me a gun and a bunch of silver bullets?

Umpire: Why, Morgan? Why do you need them?

Morgan: I don’t wanna say.

Umpire: Morgan, I think this paranormal detective agency we’ve opened is a great idea. I think it’s going to make us a lot of money. But, if we’re going to do this, I need two things from you. First, you’re going to have to get over all of the delusions implanted into your mind by space aliens. Second, you need to invent a poltergeist killing machine that can be affordably mass produced in case we decide to market that shit.

Morgan: What if I’m too busy to do those things?

Umpire: Too busy doing what?

Morgan: Too busy playing the best damn 3^rd base of my life.

Umpire: Play ball!