Attention Hollywood!

Who At The Door?

2011-12-15T15:08:00.000-08:00

Billy: The winter harvest is dread, and the harvest is sure to be fruitful

Gale: Souls and fear, fear and souls. Blood, blood, rivers of blood.

Billy: Yes, Gale. And I offer you this decapitation proclamation: Death approaches at various speeds, but always too fast.

Gale: I agree. When will Death arrive? No one knows, but he only visits once.

Billy: The unwelcome guest that bears the gift of nothingness, flavored with regret.

Gale: I enjoy our conversations, Billy.

(doorbell rings)

Billy: As do I. But say no more - I heard the doorbell!

Gale: The doorbell rang just as we were talking of death approaching? What if it’s Death, Billy?! Don’t open that door!

Billy: Well…let me just take a little look out the peephole.

(Billy looks through the hole)

Gale: Well who is it?

Billy: Nobody. No one. Somebody just put a coupon for pizza on our porch.

Gale: Did you see anybody walking away?

Billy: No. Death is the unseen visitor.

Gale: Oh I don’t want to start that again. Can we talk about someone other than Death?

Billy: I thought you said that you enjoy our conversations…

Gale: I do, but when the doorbell rang right after we were talking about Death, I got kinda creeped out.

Billy: Fine. If you think death is too near to-

(doorbell rings)

Gale: Oh my God, Billy!

Billy: Oh come on, Gale. It’s probably just more pizza coupons.

(Billy looks through keyhole as Gale tenses with fear)

Billy: Ah ha! What did I tell you? More pizza coupons. Man, those guys are hitting the neighborhood hard today!

Gale: I guess so. Anyway, what were you saying? It wasn’t about Death, was it?

(doorbell rings and Billy looks again)

Billy: (somewhat scared) Pizza coupon again. This is getting weird.

Gale: I think it’s Death, Billy.

Billy: So what then? It’s death? Death is coming to our house and –

(doorbell rings)

Billy: Fucking doorbell! - and leaving pizza coupons just to mess with us?

Gale: Would that really be so weird, Billy?

Billy: Yeah it would, Gale. I can’t exactly picture death just walking around pranking people with coupons.

Gale: So you’re an expert on death?

Billy: It’s a concept! It’s not a person. We were just personifying it to seem edgy!

Gale: I wasn’t. Death is real and Death is a person. I’ve been capitalizing the D the whole time. I’ve met him! That’s why it creeps me out with all these pizza coupons!

Billy: You have? You…what did he look like?

Gale: Scary.

(doorbell rings)

Billy: What if it’s not a prank, Gale?

Gale: What do you mean?

Billy: What if Death is telling us to order pizza? What if we need to order pizza to live?!

Gale: But Billy, what if Death is telling us that ordering a pizza will kill us?

Later:

Gale: I’m not eating this pizza, Billy, and I don’t want you to either. I don’t want you to die!

Billy: And I don’t want you to die either! Eat the pizza!

Death: I’m not gonna say what you should do, but I’m glad you used the coupons.

11:34

2011-11-11T14:44:00.000-08:00

Tagline: It’s 11:34. Hope you’ve said your prayers!

Scene: 5^th grade classroom. Math class is in session. Hunter Sterlington, a 10 year-old boy with an odd angel-shaped birthmark on his forehead, is working with his solar-powered calculator, as Hunter, even at 10, is environmentally conscious. His shirt has an upside-down tree on it.

Hunter: So if I have 1000 apples and I buy 100 pears, 30 oranges, and 4 cherries, I’ll have a total of –

(Suddenly, a bully throws a spit-wad at Hunter, causing him to drop his calculator. Hunter picks the calculator up upside down, but as he does he slows and his mouth opens in a silent scream. The film freezes as the camera rotates from Hunter’s eyes to the upside down calculator. The readout on his calculator quite plainly reads “hELL.” He turns the camera right-side up and the number reads 1134)

Hunter: (whispering) 1134 is upside-down hell! 1134 is hell! So….?!

(Hunter’s eyes widen, growing larger and more beautiful as the realization hits him. We see the fear in his eyes and our heart just fucking breaks.)

Hunter: At 11:34, the devil! The devil and hell!

(Hunter’s eyes shoot to the clock. It is currently 8:30am. The teachers, in a scene to be included in the Blu-ray extras, previously decided that in the afternoon, kids are tired and are much less likely to pay attention during math. “Why not teach it early?” asked Mrs. Timple, an actress playing a rookie 2^nd grade teacher. In the year since this was implemented, higher test results have already indicated that when taught early in the day, children tend to retain much more of the math they learn. Fortunate for the kids, but extra fortunate because it gives Hunter 2 hours and 4 minutes before hell o’clock. He’ll need every goddamn minute.)

Mrs. Bolton: What was that, Hunter Sterlington? Did you say something?

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton! Look! Loooooooook…..(He shows Mrs. Bolton the upside-down calculator).

Mrs. Bolton: Why your calculator says “hell”!

Hunter: It does. Now let me turn it right-side up (he does so, gracefully and dexterously, his nimble fingers expertly moving the calculator back into right-side-upsville). 1134. Put a colon in the middle and it’s 11:34! Mrs. Bolton, the devil and hell are going to be here at 11:34!

Mrs. Bolton: Hunter Sterlington! No. The separation of church and state!

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton, excuse my harsh language, but that is horseshit. The devil doesn’t care about the constitution! He’s the devil! He cares about souls, Mrs. Bolton. Souls. Yours and mine and everybody else’s. He feeds on them like they’re greasy fried chicken legs. He licks at them with his forked tongue. “Mmmmm,” he says. “This soul tastes like teardrops on pillows!” Then he chomps at them ravenously, breaks them apart with his teeth, and digests them with his demon intestines like you taught us about in Health last week. And just like digested fried chicken, Mrs. Bolton, after each soul goes through his evil and twisted intestines, the devil takes a huge soul poop in the metaphorical toilet of Hell’s wasteland. But he’s never done, Mrs. Bolton. His hunger is eternal! And at 11:34, the devil and hell will march their way up to Nevaeh Elementary, and they will feast on a buffet of the innocent!

Mrs. Bolton: I see. But Hunter…? What if…what if we’re not so innocent?

Hunter: Mrs. Bolton? It’s okay. You can tell me.

(Hunter looks up at her, his eyes understanding. In that second – that instant – we understand that Hunter Sterlington has that rare magic seen in people where he can care about them and listen, truly listen, to what they are saying. Hunter has the kind of compassion that’s really…well there aren’t even words for it. If there was a word, it would have to be a mix of compassion and non-judgementalism. [compassanojudgalism?]).

Mrs. Bolton: (crying) I…I… sell heroin to my students!

Hunter: I know. I buy it back from them and throw it away.

Mrs. Bolton: Thank you.

Hunter: You can thank me by getting a gosh darned priest in here STAT. And Mrs. Bolton?

Mrs. Bolton: Uh-huh?

Hunter: Start praying.

Mrs. Bolton: I will. I will pray forever (starts saying the Lord’s Prayer in Latin, a language she spoke growing up because her Dad taught Latin).

(Hunter rushes off, quickly reaching his elementary school gym. Once there, he kicks the doors open with his boot)

Hunter: Boo-yah. This is where I will train the army of exorcist child soldiers

Whole Different Scene:

Hunter: Here they come, everybody! Ready…on my mark…..Now! Start dancing now! Do the Angel’s Kissyboo!

(The kids start doing this dance move, all to the terror of Satan’s army)

Sgt. Demon Firecles: No! They’re not supposed to know that dance! Quick! Cut off their legs!

(Although the Angel’s Kissyboo dance causes Satan’s Army unspeakable, paralyzing pain, one of the demons is able to cut off the legs of one of the children. With one less child dancing, the pain is slightly less intense, and other demons are able to summon the strength to cut the legs off of other children. This gets easier for them with each legless child. Hunter narrowly evades losing his legs as he backs up towards the door)

Hunter: Retreat!

Children: We…we can’t!

Hunter: Oh no! I forgot about your legs! (runs out of gym)

(As Hunter runs through the hallway, we see children and teachers fighting a losing battle because Hell’s wrath is eternal and undying)

Hunter: If only this had happened tomorrow! I’m THIS close to finishing my .38 caliber demon neutralizer!

(Hunter hides in the teacher’s lounge, which has so far been miraculously spared from the battle. Suddenly, a ghostly translucent man appears with a flat square hovering above his head. He’s got a greenish color around him)

Hunter: Be you angel or devil, spirit?!

Triumverant: There are more choices than those, human Hunter Sterling.

Hunter: Spirit, you’re going to have to explain yourself quickly. Legless children depend on it.

Triumverant: What if I told you that sure there were demons and angels, but that there was also a secret species of spirit.

Hunter: Unbelievable!

Triumverant: Believe it, human Hunta Sterla. Equate it to the fact of this: Your human society has within it secret societies, am I not correct? For example Skull and Bones, Illuminati, The Priory of Sion, etc.? These groups are known of vaguely, but most information is based on rumors?

Hunter: That’s true!

Triumverant: Well, human Huntel Sterlel, my spirit species is like your secret societies; Angels and demons know of us only in legend, yet we exist all the same. Through infiltration and whispers, we influence each spirit faction and guide them towards the ultimate purpose of the Triumverant.

Hunter: So then….you’re responsible for this big ol’ mess at my school!

Triumverant: Bingo. We hate schools.

Meanwhile:

Girl: My legs! Where are my legs?!

Demon: I have urinated on them and then eaten them, child.

Later:

Hunter Sterlington: Even if I could beat the demons, I’d still have to beat the Triumverant. And, if I can beat both the demons and the Triumverant, my soccer team will never win the championship without any legs!

Later:

Soccer Referee: Goal!

Piano Played

2011-09-29T15:19:00.000-07:00

Bully: Hey Tad! Have fun at your piano lessons, you stupid prissy girl!

(Tad Newton looks at the Bully. For a moment they truly understand each other)

Later:

Male Piano Teacher: Tad, are you being bullied at school?

Tad: Forget about it.

Male Piano Teacher: No Tad… I never forget. Never…

Tad: Right. Ah yes. Bring it back to your days with the Vietcong. Strange how that’s coming up again. Hey, is that what my parents pay you for? Being a shell-shocked loser? Because I thought they were paying you to make me a maestro. My mistake.

Male Piano Teacher: You know, I’m allowed to remember things during these lessons, Tad. I’m a Male Piano Teacher, but I’m a person too. I…I can’t help what I remember.

Tad: I know, I just-

Male Piano Teacher: -you’re just upset. You’re being bullied, I get it. Are they saying you’re a girl? Are they calling you a girl for taking piano lessons?

Tad: I do NOT want to talk about it, ok?

Male Piano Teacher: Listen, you’re not a girl for playing the piano, Tad.

Tad: …

Male Piano Teacher: You’re not. You’re a girl for not playing it well.

Tad: !!!! What…what do you mean?

Male Piano Teacher: Name me some famous piano players.

Tad: This is stupid.

Male Piano Teacher: Go on, do it.

Tad: Fine! I will do it! Beethoven, Mozart, Bach, Chopin, Tchaikovsky, Joel

Male Piano Teacher: Dudes. Name me a famous girl piano player.

Tad: …I….I can’t!

Male Piano Teacher: Girls can’t play the piano, Tad. Well… they can, just not very well.

Tad: I never thought about it that way before.

Male Piano Teacher: There are a lot of things girls can’t do, Tad.

Tad: You’re right!

Male Piano Teacher: Now stop playing the piano like a girl.

(Tad plays a beautiful and heart-wrenching melody, as he comes into his manhood and maestro’s the shit out of the piano noun)

10 Years Later

(Tad is 27 and his trail-blazing fingers are running across the piano as if they are filled with octane and cigarettes. He is on stage by himself in a sold out square garden surrounded by devotees. He wears a crown made entirely out of piano keys. As he finishes his song, the crowd is stunned and there’s a beat of silence before they start clapping their hands off and cheering like they’ve witnessed whatever it is they most wanted to see in life – proving conclusively that Tad’s music means different things to different people)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen!

(the crowd goes seriously wild)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen! I have something to say!

(crowed LOVES that he has something to say)

Tad: Ladies and gentlemen! (Tad holds up his hand and the audience immediately quiets) THAT, is how you play the (swear)ing piano.

(Tad walks of stage, not looking back)

(1st of 4 Sequential Montages. We see Tad grow more famous and even wealthier. Shots of bigger sold out arenas, people getting Tad Newton tattoos where he’s giving a thumbs-up, but maybe his thumb looks like a piano key, newspaper headlines declaring Tad the Champ, and shots of Tad shaking the hand of a Presidents and Kings. Shots of Platinum records on the wall that have been arranged in the shape of a Grand Piano.)

(2nd Montage, appearing directly after 1st Montage. We see Tad start doing drugs and spiraling out of control, and then there are shots of him getting his act back together and becoming a better piano player and realistically, a better person as well. Shot of Tad throwing away his cigarettes and returning a case of energy drinks to the Safeway, and then a shot of Tad finishing the composition of an amazing piano symphony that, in an implied and unseen montage, he had started and had trouble finishing)

(3rd Montage, right after 2nd Montage. References other montages, but focuses mostly on how Tad’s family feels about his success. Shots of people who are likely related to Tad looking fondly at a picture of an art project that Tad may have made in elementary school.)

(4th Montage, right after 3rd Montage. Headlines of ANOTHER piano star growing famous, who is a WOMAN. Her name is Melody, and through a series of shots showing her fingers rocking keys, we know that somehow, despite her gender, she is the real deal. At this point, the montage would pause, and the audience would be given a quick survey and mini-pencil, with the question, “Girl Piano Player? Can you believe it?” and then a “Yes” and a “No” box for the audience check. When at least 75 surveys are completed [some people may need to take the survey more than once, depending on attendance and theater size], the montage song would end just as Melody would finish playing the song on the piano.)

(Camera cuts to a gigantic pink mansion. Tad is banging on the door furiously while wearing his piano vest. A butler named Derek opens the door.)

Tad: Where’s Melody?!

Derek: You’ll never find her!

Tad: But I must! Don’t you see?! I’ve got to make her love me! She’s the only one who comes close to understanding me, even though objectively I’m still a better piano player!

Derek: So this isn’t about the makeup bill?

Later:

Tad: Hey Melody! Look at this bumper sticker! It’s so funny!

Later:

Melody: That’s such a cool finger move you do in that piano song you play.

Tad: I call that move “Melody’s Twinkle.”

Melody: After….me?

Tad: Count on it.

Melody: I have a move too. It’s called… “I love you Tad Newton.”

Tad: ;-)

Thursday:

Melody: That sidewalk reminds me of my days in the Vietcong.

Tad: Melody?! You’re….you’re MALE PIANO TEACHER?!?!

Melody: Shit.

Warlock Computer

2010-09-27T13:18:00.000-07:00

Thursday:

Ricky is alone in his room with a computer, which is rectangularly shaped. The very saddest warlock song is playing in the background.

Ricky: I’ve got to believe I’m doing the right thing. I will not be a warlock if they continue to racially segregate their schools. After 10 years of persuasion spells, I’ve finally come to realize that the League of Warlocks is never going to change. If they won’t change and I’m going to be a responsible 20-something, that means it’s up to me. I’m going to have to be Ricky the ex-warlock. But powers don’t just disappear. Hmmm…maybe if I transfer my powers…

(Ricky looks at his computer with those eyes of his.)

Ricky: That’s right, computer. I just might make you the most powerful computer ever. MAGIC!

(Ricky slowly puts on his warlock pants as he begins chanting an incantation. We are unable to make out all of the words he says, but we watch as Ricky cries blood tears and his sparkle blood drips onto the computer. The blood is like a delicious potion to the computer, and the computer laps it up greedily with a state-of-the-art circuit tongue. Looking at the circuit-tongue closely, it appears to be pierced and has a Pentagram stud. It did not originally have this)

Computer: (hard drive whirring)

Ricky: Oh no! I change my mind! Segregate the schools!

Computer: (same hard drive whirring)

Ricky dies because of the computer. Even though he had studied computers through books, it was not safe for him. The power and mystery of the computer’s hard drive, combined with the power and mystery of the Warlock Powers was simply too much. The computer kills Ricky. The computer now has warlock powers and a pentagram is etched into it by the serial number.

TWO THOUSAND YEARS LATER
Outside the ruins of Ricky’s house

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (stoops over and tastes the dirt, pensively) There’s something buried underneath all this rubble, Mecha-Watson. Something with a taste I have not tasted before (Eats more dirt).

Mecha-Watson: I am thirrrrrr-sty!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (picks up some of the dirt with his hands, compacts it into a dirtball, and licks it) Yes… Yes. By George, this is where we need to dig! I’m sure of it, Mecha-Watson!

(Together, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and Mecha-Watson dig. Just as night is falling, they uncover what they have been searching for. The iconic silhouette of Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones removes his whip and walks towards the warlock computer. He stoops down and rests a hand on the computer and then tries to gnaw on it a bit. The computer immediately powers on, startling Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones.)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Quickly, Mecha-Watson! They’ll soon be here!

(Mecha-Watson quickly grabs the computer. Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and Mecha-Watson are about to escape, when suddenly they are surrounded by a neo-militia armed with waterboard-guns. They are outnumbered 200 to one, meaning that there are exactly 400 neo-militia soldiers – 200 for Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and another 200 for Mecha-Watson. One of these 400 soldiers, clearly the leader, emerges and saunters a bit. He is wearing a belt that is non-martial arts in nature.)

Ripple Crush: I’ve been following you for a long time, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones. I’ve been following you since your first case, which we all know was extremely exciting with those mummies and I will not go into detail about it now. Anyway, I’ve certainly been following you long enough to know how long you’ve been looking for the warlock computer.

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones pupils possibly dilate mildly)

Ripple Crush: What’s this? Have I surprised the non-surprisable Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones? Yes, I’m afraid I know all about the warlock computer, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones. And now, of course, you’ve led me straight to it, and I can confiscate it for myself.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (stops licking dirt out of anger) Maybe you know about the warlock computer, but I’m telling you, you obviously don’t understand it!

Ripple Crush: Nope. Where was I? Oh, I’m sorry, Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones - I’ve been rude. You should know exactly who it is that will kill you and your beloved Mecha-Watson. You’ve certainly earned that right. Allow me to introduce my name: It is Ripple Crush.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I already deduced your name.

Ripple Crush: You say that now.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I do. And, I must congratulate you. Our situation certainly seems dire.

Ripple Crush: It certainly is. I must say, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones, I’m very impressed by your bravery. I’ll let it be known that your last moments on Earth were not cowardly ones.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: My dear Mr. Ripple Crush, I’m afraid that’s where you and I must differ. You see, I feel quite strongly that these are not, in fact, my last moments.

Ripple Crush: Well I’m sorry to tell you that I --!!

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones solves the mystery of how to escape from 400 neo-militia)

Ripple Crush: (screaming to the empty night) Sherlock Indiana Holmes, Jones, I will have your head!!!

Scene: HOUSE OF SHERLOCK INDIANA HOLMES JONES

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones sits in antique leather chair, his hands cupped under his chin. He is staring at the Warlock Computer, which is still humming quietly. He is suddenly interrupted by the ring of his doorbell. He opens the door [no one stops him from doing so] only to find a large woman carrying a present with a big orange bow on it. The large woman may not be Ripple Crush in disguise).

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Hello?

Rachelle America: Hello? Inspector Doctor Homes Jones? I’m sorry - A man paid me 80 pence dollars so that I would deliver this package to you.

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: This man! What did he look like?! Tell me everything you remember!

Rachelle America: Why I never saw him!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I therefore deduce that he contacted you via holo-mail and left the money on the doorstep.

Rachelle America: He did indeed! How did you ever figure that out! I hadn’t told a soul!

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: (shaking his finger teasingly) Ah, ah, ah! An Inspector/Doctor of archeology never reveals his secrets. However, I will tell you how I know where this orange-ish bow was purchased. If you lick this bow, you’ll notice a particular taste.

(Rachelle America’s eyes open very wide and, sticking out her tongue, she presses it against the bow and holds it there for a little while although certainly time is relative)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: I’m sure you’ve now noticed taste of rust and earth. I can smell it from here with my great nose. As one might deduce, this orange bow is actually metal that was buried, oxidized, unburried, and finally twisted into a lovely bow. The sender must know that I’m an archeologist and inspector and thus would appreciate such fine craftsmanship. I mean look at it. It really is just a beautiful bow.

(Rachelle America removes her tongue from the bow and hands it to Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: And I mean if the bow is this pretty, the gift inside must be –!!

(Inside the box is Mecha-Watson’s grotesque and severed head)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Horror!!

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones drops the box and dashes away, not prancing. He runs to his room, where he slams the door and can be heard man-moaning in grief and terror. The camera follows Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones and somehow goes through the door [although it’s quite obviously a solid door and made of the mecha-oak] and we see Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones with his head cradled in his hands. Even grown men cry sometimes)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Oh, Mecha-Watson… How I wish that U2 could have solved the mystery of escaping from 400 neo militia. (Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones stops and thinks, arguing with himself over something mysterious) But then…but…maybe…what if I could…no, it’s too dangerous…but if I could then….but….but…so maybe if I…. of course I’d have to be careful…but….LET’S DO IT!

Another Thursday:

(Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones is found in his basement. He has a warlock cap over his deerstalker and fedora hats. At his feet is the warlock computer and guess what it’s in a pentagram)

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Warlock Computer! I command you to bring Mecha-Watson back from the dead!

(a Status Bar suddenly appears on the monitor, and we watch as the task slowly completes. Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones eats some dirt, nervously. The camera suddenly cuts to Ripple Crush’s eyes opening just as suddenly. He is wearing face-paint and a bone through his nose, and guess what, he knows what Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones is doing)

Ripple Crush: Yes! Yes, Inspector Doctor Holmes Jones... Resurrect your friend! Everything is going according to my secret plan!

Later:

Sherlock Indiana Holmes Jones: Well I'm not piercing that! Gross!

The Danger of Delicious: A Gerard Reinstein Story

2009-08-28T09:11:00.000-07:00

Danny Vermont has just baked the world's best pie. Its crust is almost imaginary it's so good. It's filling is almost imaginary too. Take the best pie you have ever had and multiply that pie by an almost imaginarily high number. Divide by two. That is the pie that Danny Vermont has just baked. But the pie is more than the world's best pie - it is the most scrumptious and delectable morsel of food that the universe has known throughout its entire long and imaginary history. Such a pie should bring joy to the world. This pie may just well bring the end of humanity.

The pie becomes baked around the world. It's success is beyond imagination.

No one is eating their vegetables. They are eating pie. No one is is taking their medication. They are taking their pie. These people- the world - are pie-dying. For as almost imaginarily good as the pie is, it is not nutritious. It is made with preservatives and empty calories and some of my favorite toppings. But while delicious, it was never, ever, meant to sustain a healthy and balanced diet.

People forgo their health to eat this pie. Breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner, dinner - it is always Danny Vermont's pie. There is no time for aerobics or spinning classes when you have to spend that time in line for yet another succulent piece. Soon, everyone is super fat. Like, total cottage cheese butt fat.

Procreation is wasted pie time. The earth's population takes a nose dive like an imaginary contestant in a pie-eating contest.

One man, Gerard Reinstein, isn't going to take this shit. Gerard Reinstein is a celebrated space hero who lost his sense of taste and smell after trying to drown his space war memories in a 5-year coke binge. But that's all behind him. Gerard Reinstein is now a man who can take in his surroundings and process what is going on. What he has found is this - People are so CRAZY for this pie! The pie is an epidemic, and Gerard Reinstein is the epidemic's pandemic.

On a lonely yet noble mission, Gerard goes into pie factory after pie factory, shooting every pie he can find with an automatic shotgun laser. Pie filling splatters the walls as the greedy fat pie lovers desperately try to lick it off.

Let's get this straight: Gerard Reinstein blows up A LOT of pie factories. And even though he's doing it to save mankind, he becomes #2 on Earth's most wanted list. And #1 is the pie itself, because that's the kind of delusional pie lust the world has.

Soon, word starts to spread that Gerard Reinstein is part vampire, like in those Twilight books. It's not true, but it adds to his Joe Rogan's Fear Factor. Also, as a result, people try to stop Gerard with garlic and bottled sunshine. But Gerard just shoots those fools with his shotgun laser and moves on to shooting the next pie.

At the end of the movie there is just one pie factory left, but man is it a doozy. Maybe it's pie shaped. It is. Security around the pie factory is air tight. Nobody can break through - not without dying with a stake to the heart. Gerard, after feasting on the blood of a security guard, whips out the best and most realistic pie costume you have ever seen. Because why break in, when the pie gluttons can deliver him to their doorstep personally.

Sure enough, Gerard is soon discovered in his pie costume by the pie factory ITSELF. Scientists built the factory using human DNA, and so it's part alive and it sort of poops out the pies. Unnoticed in his pie costume, Gerard is brought to the explosive part of the factory, where he then bursts out of the best pie costume and starts shooting EVERYTHING. The pie factory blows up, but not before Gerard Reinstein gets hit on the head with a mallet by the factory. Gerard gets 4 things from the mallet. A concussion, his sense of taste, his sense of smell, and despair.

The movie ends tragically because sure enough, Gerard LOVES the pie. LOVES it. But he blew it all up. Plus he has no friends because people are mad and still think he's a vampire.

Thine Football Dreams on the Sunrise of Reality

2009-01-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

(Scene: High school football field at night. The camera circles around the football field, spending extra time on each pole of the two uprights. Slowly it pans down to reveal Ritchie Jernsen and Tom Newsome alone and passing the football. Ritchie is sparkling with manly sweat. He works hard and he plays hard. Tom Newsome is overweight and predictably jolly.)

Tom: So. State champions, huh?

Ritchie: Yeah, I guess so. I don’t feel any different.

Tom: But you are different, Ritchie. You’re different than all of us. You’ve got this amazing gift and you’re going to go pro. The whole town knows. And woah-boy! when you do, the world had better watch out. Seriously, the NFL will never be the same.

Ritchie: But I have a secret that nobody can know, Tom.

Tom: Well, whatever it is, nobody in town will care. You’re a god damn saint in this town.

Ritchie: Yes they will care, Tom. They will and I’m SO DAMN SCARED that they’re going to find out.

(Zoom in on Ritchie’s tattoo. It is of a football beating up a baseball, a basketball, and a swimmer. The tattoo shows Ritchie’s love of football. That is the point.)

Tom: Geez, Tom. What is it? What’s the problem? What’s so bad you can’t tell nobody?

(Ritchie is silent and scared)

Tom: Hey. It’s okay, Ritchie. I won’t tell anybody. I swear to Christ I won’t.

Ritchie: (struggling) Okay. Okay. Tom…I have four…I have…Damn it…You know how most people have to buy a jock strap to play football?

Tom: Yeah…Why? What, you don’t wear jock straps?

Ritchie: No. (quietly) No. I’m saying have to wear four, Tom. (begins crying) I have to wear four.

Tom: What? Because your thing is too big?

Ritchie: No...

Tom: Why else would you wear four? Hey... Wait a minute… you’ve got….Oh, I see. You’re pulling my leg. That’s funny, Ritchie, but seriously. You can tell me. Friends till the end, isn’t that what we used to say?

Ritchie: Yeah…yeah. Friends to the end. Yeah I was joking before. So…my real secret is that I had sex with a prostitute once.

Tom: A prostitute? That’s fine, Ritchie! Nobody cares. Hell, after a few drinks, my mom won’t shut up about how my dad once rang up a $1500 tab with a “lady of the evening.” Who cares? You’re not married! If anything, this just makes you more cool.

Ritchie: I guess you’re right. I don’t know what I was so worried about. Hey, it’s getting late. I’m gonna head home.

Tom: See you later, whore-in-ator.

Ritchie: Right. Good one.

(Ritchie walks away)

Ritchie (to himself): Think, Ritchie! I have to be careful. I have to keep this secret forever. (Ritchie throws the football into the end zone. Touchdown.) FOREVER!!

Different Scene: (Ritchie is with his girlfriend Melinda. She is undressing, revealing a tattoo of a volleyball kissing a football. This shows her love, respect, and attraction to football. That is the point)

Melinda: Ritchie? Please. I want to do this.

Ritchie: I do too, Melinda, but I told you when we started dating that I can’t until I get married.

Melinda: Come on, Ritchie! What is with you?! You’re the town hero, the football star. You’re going pro and everybody knows it. You’re getting out of this town, so why can’t you just take me with you, Ritchie? Aren’t I pretty enough?

Ritchie: You’re beautiful, Melinda.

Melinda: What then? You like boys?

Ritchie: No, Damn it! I just have four -- …I just can’t tell you why. I want to fuck you, Melinda. I want to very badly. Please. Can you just trust that I love you and that one day I’ll tell you why? Just – not today. But don’t worry. I promise, if I get out of this town…you’re coming with me.

Melinda: Okay Ritchie. Okay.

Ritchie: ….

Melinda: Ritchie? Ritchie? Hey, are you crying? I didn’t mean to upset you, Ritchie.

Another Scene:

(Ritchie is alone in his room. He’s been drinking and his eyes are red from crying. In his hands he holds a knife.)

Ritchie (to himself): I’ll just…I’ll cut the extras off. Cut them off. There’s no NFL without the physical, and there’s no way I’m going to the physical like this. I’ll just cut them off.

Ritchie’s Mom (from downstairs): Ritchie honey? Are you coming to dinner?

(the camera leaves Ritchie’s room and travels downstairs to meet Ritchie’s mom, who is starting to come upstairs to check on Ritchie. Suddenly we hear Ritchie scream. The camera then follows Ritchie’s mom as she quickly runs up to Ritchie’s room as she knocks on his door. The door is football shaped)

Ritchie’s Mom: Ritchie? You alright?

(no answer)

Ritchie’s Mom: Ritchie? Honey, I’m coming in.

(Ritchie’s Mom opens the door, and sees her son lying face-down on the floor, bunched up in a ball. Ritchie’s mom starts towards him, but then he gets up with a grimace on his face.)

Ritchie: I’m…coming mom. Just give me a second.

Ritchie’s Mom: Ritchie? You look like you’re in pain, honey! What happened?

Ritchie: Nothing mom. I just fell. I’m fine. Let’s eat dinner.

Thursday:

(Ritchie is again by himself in his room. He sits on his bed, looking numb.)

Ritchie: I’ve asked God for three things in my life. I wanted to be the best football player the world has ever seen. I’m not. Not yet. But I’m close. I know in my heart that God heard me and he answered me. Then I asked for God to make sure Trichelle never told anybody about what I did to her. I was kind of sorry she got hit by that car, but she’ll never talk again. God made sure. But for my entire life I’ve asked God to make me normal, make me like everybody else. 18 years. It was the one prayer He wouldn’t answer, He couldn’t hear. For 18 years He ignored me and today I finally took them into my own hands and I did what God wouldn’t do.

(Ritchie starts to cry)

Ritchie: God, I know why You didn’t listen. Please. Please. Put them back. Make them grow back.

Different Thursday

Ritchie: I’ve never trusted a sunrise, Melinda. The oranges and reds in the sky, they make it look like it’s on fire, burning away. Like it’ll burn until there’s nothing left but cold and dark and ashes.

Melinda: What are you talking about, Ritchie? Just enjoy it for what it is. Whatever happens for the rest of the day, there was at least one moment of beauty.

Ritchie. You don’t understand.

Melinda: Than teach me. I’m listening. Damn it Ritchie, I’m not just here for you, I’m H-E-A-R for you. You asked me once to trust you. Now trust me.

Ritchie: You know, everybody thinks they know what they want. Everybody’s so goddamn sure about it. People pray and wish and struggle and sacrifice to get whatever it is, and sometimes that’s great. Sometimes it works out. But not always. Sometimes it makes you cry and it makes you change suddenly you’ll never be what made you special again. Sometimes it makes you less than what you were.

Melinda: Are you talking about football, Ritchie? Do you want to stop playing football?

Ritchie: No. No I love football. That’s the only thing that makes me forget about the emptiness.

Melinda: Good. Because we need to get out of this place, Ritchie. There’s nothing here but lost chances. And crime, too. Did you see the paper yesterday? Other than the state championship, it’s the most exciting thing to happen in this town for years. It’s sick though. Cops found a baggie containing, quote, body parts from three human males. They’re looking for the killer, but they’re also trying to figure out who got murdered. So far nobody’s been reported as missing.

Ritchie: What?

Melinda: Yeah, I guess they’re sending in the body parts for a DNA analysis.

Ritchie: I’m doomed.

Later:
(Ritchie is walking by himself by the river)

Ritchie: I’ve been signed by the Colts. This should be the happiest day of my life. But it’s just a matter of time. I was so careful, I did so much to hide my secret, and in a couple of days it won’t matter. Trying to rid myself of the problem just made it 10 times worse. Any day now, they’re going to come to my door and everyone will know. Everyone. And there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Should I just throw myself in the river and end it all, spare myself the shame?

(Ritchie looks at the rushing river which seems to be calling him, begging for his soul)

Ritchie: No. That river is haunted.

Finny Land

2008-11-21T16:20:00.000-08:00

Fin: Hey Gloria. What if I told you that I was the original creator of Mickey Mouse?

Gloria: I’d laugh. Walt Disney created Mickey Mouse. It’s common knowledge. Come on.

Fin: I knew you wouldn’t believe me.

Gloria: Well look at the facts. I mean, yes you are very old, and you’re an EXCEPTIONAL cartoonist, and I know you’ve never been to Disneyland, but really Fin? Mickey Mouse?

Fin: … Gloria? Did I ever tell you about when I first came to America?

Gloria: Why…no Fin, I don’t think you ever have.

Fin: I was, new to this country. I was as poor as I was naïve. Instead of a hand, I had a tentacle.

Gloria: (interrupting) Then why do you have a normal hand now?

Fin: Gloria, please. Close that ignorant mouth of yours. It’s an incredibly ignorant mouth, and whenever you talk, you just reveal your own stupidity.

Gloria: …

Fin: It’s sad.

(Gloria nods her head)

Fin: I lived on the streets. I had only two friends and they were both as poor as I was. One of them was a mouse. The other one…was Walt Disney. Instead of a hand, Walt Disney had a tentacle.

Gloria: But you said –

Fin: -We BOTH had a tentacle hand, Gloria. Could you please just try and follow along here?

Gloria: …

Fin: Because I don’t want to TALK about the tentacles, Gloria. What I WANT is to tell you about how I was the original creator of Mickey Mouse. But is that too much to ask? Is that going to be a problem for you?

Gloria: No.

Fin: It was Walt Disney who taught me how to draw. He had so much talent and a tentacle hand, but still, he lacked creativity and he needed a partner. Every day, Walt would attempt to teach me how to draw. Unfortunately, I was a slow learner. Slow like you’re slow, Gloria, and Walt had no patience for me. But I took his beatings; I understood. His genius was unmatched, and with genius comes eccentricity.

Gloria: …

Fin: Have I mentioned Walt had a tentacle hand?

Gloria: Yes.

Fin: Go to hell, Gloria. I hope you go to hell and they turn up the heat.

Gloria: You go to hell.

Fin: Baby, I’m already there.

Gloria: So…what happened?

Fin: One night while I was doodling I drew Mickey Mouse. Walt saw it, immediately recognized its commercial viability, stole it, and then sewed the drawing into his skin so I couldn’t get it back.

Gloria: He sewed it? How could he thread a needle if one of his hands was a tentacle?

Fin: DAMN IT GLORIA! I….I…Actually, that’s an excellent question. I don’t know why it never occurred to me.

Gloria: He must have had an accomplice, Fin.

Fin: But who? We didn’t have any friends.

Gloria: You had the mouse.

Fin: Gloria, you should have quit while you were ahead. You’re back to sounding like you’ve got feces slathered around your brain.

Gloria: Well he must have had somebody.

Fin: Yes….yes he must have. So it’s not too late then.

Gloria: To late for what?

Fin: Vengance, Gloria. I’m going to track down whoever helped Walt Disney, and then I’m going to kill him.

Gloria: Fin, it’s against the law to kill someone.

Fin: It’s against the law for a human to kill another human, Gloria. That’s not a problem for me.

Gloria: What are you saying, Fin?

Fin: Haven’t you figured it out by now, Gloria? I’m from Atlantis. I’m part octopus.

Gloria: All these years….it all makes sense now. Those ink stains...

Fin: Yes. I’m sorry I had to lie about those. I’ll explain more later. Right now I need to track down the mysterious villain who sewed my Mickey Mouse drawing into Walt Disney’s skin.

Gloria: But until today you didn’t know this person existed! How will you find him?

Fin: Gloria, I’m going to give you one more chance. Shut your fucking face. You don’t know shit about shit, and I’m really getting tired of you vomiting out whatever random idiocy your broken brain manages to churn up. I swear to God, if you keep this up, I will rip you apart with my part Octopus strength.

Gloria: …

Fin: …

Gloria: I’ll make you some coffee.

Fin: Smart.

Gloria: …

Fin: Now, as I was about to explain, Walt loved the Mickey Mouse sketch I drew so much that he never had it removed. He guarded it with his life, as it was the only thing in existence proving that he didn’t create Mickey Mouse. If we can get to the corpse of Walt Disney, we can examine the drawing sewn into his skin. And, if we can examine the drawing, we can examine the needlework. Needlework is like a fingerprint, Gloria. No two sewers seam or stitch the same way.

Gloria: Oh.

Fin: The needlework will tell us who Walt’s accomplice was. We just need to get access to the body.

Gloria: So we just need to find out where Walt Disney is buried?

Fin: I already know where he’s buried, Gloria. He’s in the Haunted Mansion’s graveyard in Disneyland.

Gloria: But Disneyland is notorious for its brutal security! Not to mention it’s always busy! How are we going to dig up a grave that’s right smack in the middle of Disneyland?

Fin: With a fucking shovel, you halfwit. We’re going to Disneyland - part octopus style.

Ka-Boom-Boom My Heart

2008-11-12T16:07:00.000-08:00

KA-BOOM!

Johnny: They just blew it up!

Yvette: What?

Johnny: EVERYTHING! Run for it!

Yvette: But my house!

Johnny: Your house was part of everything! …So was mine.

Yvette: No!

KA-BOOM!

Yvette: That means…my car was blown up too?

Johnny: Yes. I’m sorry.

Yvette: Who ARE you?

Johnny: Until 15 minutes ago, I was part of the problem. Now I’m part of the solution. Name’s Johnny.

Yvette: I’m Yvette.

Johnny: RUN, YVETTE! RUNNNNNN!

KA-BOOM!

Yvette: Oh Johnny! Can’t we stop running? I’m so tired!

Johnny: Bombs don’t get tired, Yvette. So no.

Yvette: Johnny? You said you were part of the problem. What did you mean?

Johnny: I mean that before I wasn’t blowing stuff up to make you fall in love with me and now I am.

Yvette: Johnny you’re the bad guy? What?!

Johnny: I’m the only guy left. Everyone else is exploded. You HAVE to love me.

KA-BOOM!!

Johnny: I…DIE?!

Yvette: Now you are dead!

Johnny: But I did not make that bomb that killed me!

Yvette: Here is another bomb I drop: I never loved you!

Johnny: And here is the final bomb I drop: Maybe I was dead before the bomb, like my soul was dead if it thought it was okay to kill people.

Yvette: Now I love you but it is too late.

Johnny: ….

Yvette: Johnny? JOHNNY!!!

KA-BOOM!

Pick Your Poison II: Where No Roads Go

2008-09-25T15:51:00.000-07:00

Yule: Hey Jay? Remember when you broke your arm?

Jay: Yeah. That was a while ago. Why?

Yule: It scared me. I was worried your arm would never heal.

Jay: It's fine.

Yule: Good. You know, when that happened I was also kind of scared that I'd break my own arm.

Jay: Well I hope you never do.

Yule: Thanks, Jay.

Jay: No problem.

Yule: So...Christmas is coming up pretty fast.

Jay: Yes it is. You see they're already selling Christmas lights in stores.

Yule: Consumerism, huh?

Jay: Yep. Everybody's buy buy buy.

Yule: Anything you want for Christmas?

Jay: Nah. I'm good.

Yule: I'll figure something out.

Jay: Well just so you know, you don't have to.

Yule: I know. You don't either.

Jay: You know what I don't want, right?

Yule: What?

Jay: Another broken arm.

Yule: (laughs) No! Who'd want that?

Jay: Not me.

Yule: Maybe I would...Sometimes I think that maybe subconsciously I like pain.

Jay: What makes you say that?

Yule: Well, I don't know. I guess the life decisions I make. Sometimes I do things I know aren't in my best interest.

Jay: Like what, for example?

Yule: Like I poison myself a little each day.

Jay: You poison yourself? No you don't.

Yule: I do.

Jay: Well I do to. There you go; we're both poisoning ourselves. What do you use?

Yule: My poisons are meat and dairy products.

Jay: And my poisons are non-organic foods.

Yule: Your poison slowly kills your body.

Jay: Your poison slowly kills your soul.

Both: Together, we are dead. Mind, body, soul.

Yule: I want a cheeseburger.

Jay: I want a store-bought apple.

Both: What do we do? How many nooses will we tie around our necks? Lali-ho! Two strangers approach.

Calf: I'm an orphan, but it smells like my mom. It smells like my mom in your belly!

Organic Apple Tree: Why has everyone turned their back on me? Can't you see that I provide safe and healthy food?

Calf: I'm all alone. I'm alone and hungry.

Organic Apple Tree: Come, young cow, Take nourishment in the fruit that I bear.

Yule: I wish we could be like them.

Jay: Why? They're so sad!

Yule: Jay, if we were like them, then we wouldn't be like us. That means We never would have eaten the Calf's mom. We never would have forgotten about Organic Apple Trees.

Jay: So then -

Yule: Right. They'd have nothing to be sad about.

Jay: I wish we could change it. I wish we could undo what we have done.

Yule: Jay, I once had the power to go back in time. I could have changed this. But I lost that power when I ate my first cheeseburger.

Jay: If you'd never eaten that first cheeseburger, we wouldn't need to go back in time anyway.

Yule: That's technically true.

Jay: Hey Yule?

Yule: Yeah.

Jay: I know what I want for Christmas now.

Yule: What's that?

Jay: A new car.

Yule: A new car? Why?

Jay: So we can drive away from all of this poison. So we can drive away from all the sadness we've caused.

Yule: Ain't no roads that go that far, Jay. Ain't no roads.

Praint

2008-09-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

Yvonne: Hey Ronald? Want to go to a party?

Ronald: Damn it! No! Get the F out of my way! I'm going to paint this house! Hey…where'd all my paint go?

Elsewhere…

Barnaby: Hey Mike. You know, if we didn't paint these yellow lines on the road I bet cars would drive right the F into each other. You ever think about that?

Mike: I do think about that, Barnaby. I think about that all the time. I think about it and I think about it but now matter how much I think and no matter how much I worry, the danger is still there. It's real and it's there. Like old bastard time himself, it is relentless. Because if we don't do our jobs… people die. I cannot think away the danger; it is immortal. I cannot ignore it either. It is in-your-face. And so…I must accept it. I must face the danger and conquer it with dash-after-dash of painted yellow line. And so must you. Now stop jerking me around, Barnaby and hand it over. How are we going to conquer this danger if you keep hiding all the paint?

Barnaby: (whispering in a scared tone) Um…Mike?... Mike… I…I didn't hide any paint.

And on the visual TV...

Reporter: We have some breaking news. Where'd all the paint go?

At a High School:

Corbin Mantruck: And so class, if you look outside, you'll see rain clouds. Rain clouds are part of our weather system.

Madison Street: Oooh! They're so pretty!

Corbin Mantruck: For today's lab on weather, I'd like you all to paint the clouds outside, using the materials provided.

Tommy Johnson: Ain't no paint, Mr. Mantruck.

Corbin Mantruck: But that's… impossible! Unless…. Class, you're dismissed. Read pages of the book for your homework tonight.

(the class leaves)

Corbin Mantruck: (mumbling to himself) When I theorized about this…nobody believed…..thought I was crazy….I thought I was crazy…

(Corbin Mantruck does some equations on the dry-erase board, using both hands to write, just like Leonardo Da Vinci used to)

Corbin Mantruck: Weather…has evolved.

Four Hours Later

(Corbin is on the phone)

Corbin Mantruck: No! It is not okay to put me on hold! I've been on hold for 3 hours! You've got to listen! Weather has evolved! It's not just water that evaporates anymore! Don't you see? Paint is evaporating too!

(Corbin is put on hold)

Corbin Mantruck: G DAMN it!

(Corbin slams down the phone. Just then, a doorbell rings. Corbin answers the door)

Walt Van Shorn: Mr. Mantruck? Hi. It's Walt Van Shorn? I called last week about doing a teacher profile on you for the school paper?

Corbin Mantruck: Right. Get the F inside, Walt. I've got something to tell you.

Walt Van Shorn: Alright. So…my first question-

Corbin Mantruck: No no no. Forget the questions. I like your jacket. I've got something urgent, Walt. I've got the biggest story since ever.

Walt Van Shorn: EVER?!?!

Corbin Mantruck: You watch the news, Walt? You hear about the disappearing paint?

Walt Van Shorn: Yeah, I heard about it. Why?

Corbin Mantruck: The sky.

Walt Van Shorn: Ummm…

Corbin Mantruck: I know. You think I'm crazy, right? But look outside. See those rain clouds? I was just talking about them in my class today. See how with the sunset, they look so beautiful with the oranges and reds and purples?

Walt Van Shorn: Yes….

Corbin Mantruck: Well tell me how the F that's possible, Walt, since the sun set FIVE F'ING HOURS AGO!!!

Walt Van Shorn: !!!! But…But it's supposed to rain tomorrow!

Corbin Mantruck: Bring your paint thinner!

Walt Van Shorn: But what do we do?

Corbin Mantruck: We die.

Walt Van Shorn: There's got to be something we can do.

Corbin Mantruck: Did you know, Walt, that humans are almost 62% water? Water. Not paint, Walt. Water.

Walt: So…so what's going to happen?

Corbin Mantruck: Paint rain. Paint rivers and lakes. Diluted paint oceans. Lead poisoning. Ruined houses. Drinking water becomes paint water. Huffing becomes yet a greater epidemic. An entire color spectrum of destruction.

Walt Van Shorn: Well we can't just give up!

Corbin Mantruck: Then don't. Me? I think I gave up a long time ago. Walt, I'm not a perfect man. I've struggled with drugs, extreme sports, alcohol, violence... I've fought all of those demons, and I've won. I'm still here. But I don't have another fight left in me, Walt. I'm tired. This raining paint thing is going to kill me. I just want to warn the public, sit back, and let the paint color me away.

Walt Van Shorn: With all due respect, Mr. Mantruck: Go to hell.

Corbin Mantruck: Goodbye, Walt. Please, make sure people know. Give them a fighting chance.

Walt Van Shorn: Goodbye, Mr. Mantruck.

Later:

Eve: My umbrella! It's ruined!

Ian: Paint fumes?! We're getting high on paint fumes! Quick run to the house!

Eve: I don't like this! I don't do drugs!

Ian: I said get to the house!

Later:

Walt (voiceover): On September 15^th, 2008, weather evolved. We weren't ready. Nobody was. Around the world, paint began to evaporate. In response, the world made more - more of the same poison that would soon change the face of this world forever, more of the wet, liquid killer. But the first praint storm didn't kill everyone. Like me, some found shelter. Now, we live our lives searching for streams and indoor pools with a fresh water supply. Water is our God now. But there are others, too. Those that couldn't find shelter quickly grew intoxicated by the praint fumes. Now, these paint-stained savages stumble and stagger throughout the streets, living in the daze of praint, they are hungry and violent. With a lazy and methodical rage, they attack anyone that gets near them. So we hide. We hide from the praint, hide from the Huffers, hide from the grim reality that comes in every thick and sticky color. Sometimes I think that maybe Corbin Mantruck was right to give up. He wasn't alone. People give up every day, walking into the praint and embracing its fumes. Me? Most days I still have hope. That hope keeps me fighting. One day, maybe we can analyze the DNA of weather. And maybe, if there are enough scientists left, scientists that haven't given in to the praint or the huffers, maybe we can find a way to take that DNA and take out the paint evaporating gene. I live for that day

O Positive

2008-07-29T07:58:00.000-07:00

LARS VONSON: I've always been different.

(INTENSE Flashback. 3-year-old LARS cuts himself on a piece of glass. A black substance oozes out from his injury.)

LARS' DAD: Are you okay, son? Wait… what is this? What kind of blood is this?! You're a freak, Lars! My kid is a freak! Lars, you get the hell out of my sight! I can be poor and abusive without you! I ain't never wanna see you again!

(Cut to PRESENT TIME. LARS is in a WHEELCHAIR)

LARS: But people don't like it when you're different.

(Cut to LARS in high school. He gets punched in the mouth from a bully)

LARS: Pfffha! My mouth!

Bully: I ain't never punched nobody with blood like this! What a loser! Take his freak wallet!

(Cut to PRESENT TIME. LARS gets up from the WHEELCHAIR. He was just PLAYING with it and DOESN'T NEED it.)

LARS: But some people…some people, when they find out you're different…some people try and steal what makes ya special.

(BULLETS rip through the walls and LARS DUCKS behind a couch.)

LARS: Never let them take it.

(Quickly, LARS takes out a POCKETKNIFE and cuts his hand. Instead of blood, BLACK DROPLETS fall to the floor. LARS makes a trail of his black blood that leads to a stack of FIREWORKS. BULLETS whiz by him. LARS JUMPS back behind the couch and pulls out his ZIPPO LIGHTER.)

LARS: Happy 4^th of July, dickweeds.

(LARS lights the trail of black droplets on fire, which easily ignite and quickly set the fireworks aflame. LARS uses the distraction and ESCAPES out the BACK DOOR)

LARS: My name is Lars Vonson. I bleed oil.

(Opening Credits)

LARS: They found me again, Todd. They found me. Don't call it a safe house if it isn't safe! Who knew I was there?

TODD: Nobody knew!

LARS: Somebody knew, Todd. Somebody knew and it almost killed me. Listen. You know how you have blood that keeps you alive?

TODD: Yes, yes. We've been through this! –

LARS: – Well I have oil! I have an unending supply of a precious fuel resource, and it flows through my veins like it was the most natural thing in the world!

TODD: But it isn't the most natura–

LARS: I KNOW IT ISN'T! That's why the government wants me! That's why they'll stop at nothing to catch me! I'm worth untold billions to them, Todd, and it doesn't matter if they catch me dead or if they catch me alive. They're going to clone the hell out of me either way.

TODD: Wow. Well maybe I told my girlfriend.

LARS: Then your girlfriend is a spy.

TODD: Don't say that!

LARS: It's true!

TODD: Nobody says that about my girlfriend!

(TODD pulls out a GUN like he's going to shoot LARS. LARS PUNCHES HIMSELF hard in the face and quickly HOLDS his lighted ZIPPO LIGHTER to his mouth.)

TODD: I don't care how much you're worth. Nobody calls my girlfriend a spy and lives!

(Before Todd can pull the trigger, LARS uses the OIL-BLOOD that has been accumulating in his MOUTH and by SPITTING it through the ZIPPO LIGHTER. LARS becomes a human FLAME THROWER and he lights TODD on FIRE. TODD screams and fires wildly into the air.)

LARS: Happy 4^th of July, Dickweed.

(LARS looks at a CALANDER and it is STILL the 4^th of JULY)

TODD: I'm….I'm sorry.

(TODD DIES)

LARS: No, I'm sorry Todd. I'm sorry she's a spy and I'm sorry it broke your heart. And I'm sorry I burned you to death. Please know that even if your spirit can forgive what I've done, know that I can never forgive myself.

(Cut to: A Government OFFICE at nighttime. LARS is breaking in. He HEARS two SECURITY GAURDS talking and LARS HIDES in the SHADOWS)

SECURITY GUARD 1: I feel like our job is too easy. With doors this squeaky, we can hear intruders coming from a mile away.

SECURITY GUARD 2: I know! It's enough to wake up a sleeping security guard!

BOTH: LAUGH!!

SECURITY GUARD 1: Let's go sleep.

(LARS, from the shadows, thinks for a minute and then looks at the DOOR HINGES and then looks at his HANDS and then looks at his POCKETKNIFE and then looks at the DOOR HINGES again.)

(Cut to: THE RAIN FOREST. LARS has smeared his own Oil-blood all over his body, and he is perfectly camouflaged against a muddy cliff)

FRANK: I know you're out there, LARS! Do us all a favor and either turn yourself in or shoot yourself! There's no way out of here! Freaks don't win, Lars! Freaks never win! You're nothing more than a human oil factory!

(LARS steps away from the muddy cliff and it turns out he's RIGHT BEHIND FRANK. But FRANK HEARS LARS and he turns and puts LARS in a CHOKE-HOLD. FRANK gets OIL all over his NEW SUIT. It is RUINED.)

LARS: ARGH! But… there's one thing… about oil factories.

FRANK: What's that?

LARS: They're extremely flammable.

(LARS lights himself on FIRE. The pain is unbearable, but FRANK also catches on FIRE.)

FRANK: I'm on fire! The burning! The burning!

(LARS pours BAKING SODA all over himself, dousing the oil fire. FRANK Continues to burn to death.)

LARS: Blood type "O" Positive. "O" for Oil.

(Cut to: A NURSERY HOME. An OLD MAN is in a wheelchair)

OLD MAN: And that's the story of Lars, the man whose blood was made of oil.

NURSE: Where do you come up with these stories? Come on. It's time for your bath. Your skin is looking dirty and oily.

OLD MAN: Yes. It does that.

(The OLD MAN WINKS at the camera and then gets up from his WHEELCHAIR. He was just PLAYING with it and DOESN'T NEED it.)

CREDITS.

The Point .08 Killer

2008-06-27T11:45:00.000-07:00

HARRY: My hot rod is crashed because of that stupid wall.

JACK: No it is because you DRUNK DRIVE!

HARRY: Shut up! I’m a good driver and if I have a drink it is okay!

JACK: That is crazy! You almost died in the car reck! Open your eyes and see!

HARRY: Shut up!

JACK: No I won’t shut up until you realize that sooner or later your going to KILL somebody when you drink and drive.

HARRY: If you won’t shut up then I am going to kill you in your sleep!

JACK: Well you won’t be able to because I won’t sleep until you are dead!

HARRY: It is impossible to not sleep forever. If you wait until I die you will accidentally fall asleep and when you do I will know and I will kill you

JACK: DON’T YOU SEE?! YOU WILL DIE SOON BECAUSE YOU DRUNK TOO MUCH!!

HARRY: I AM NOT TO DRUNK TO FIRE THIS GUN IN YOUR FACE!

JACK: HA! You can’t. I am not asleep yet.

HARRY: But when you do sleep I will kill you then.

JACK: Agreed.

**when HARRY walks away it is revealed that JACK is also carrying a gun and he shoots HARRY in the back with it**

HARRY: You shot me. But I thought you were going to wait.

JACK: HAHA. I did wait. I waited for you to turn around. And then I did shoot you.

HARRY: Why did you murder me?

JACK: Because don’t you now? My grandpa was killed by a drunk driver! Now I kill drunk drivers.

HARRY: Your vigilante!

JACK: Yes I vigilanteed your ass. Now go to hell, drunk driver mother effer.

**HARRY dies and JACK laughs**

JACK: HAHAHA! That is one less drunk drive for the world to worry about. But what is sad is that I also am alcholholic.

**JACK leaves and goes to a tavern and gets drunk**

BARTENDER: Hello JACK. Where is HARRY?

JACK: I don’t know. Maybe he was trying to drive home drunk and he died.

BARTENDER: Like when you drove drunk home and killed your GRANDPA?!!!!

The Dead Space

2008-06-19T11:26:00.000-07:00

The setting is Ryfle and Rue are floating in space and they are wearing regular clothes and not space suit clothes.

Ryfle McClanahan: We have been been in space for a long time!!

Rue Shahtguhn: Yes. Who knew that people can breath in the vacuum of space???

Ryfle: Nobody did at all.

Rue: Unfortunately there is something wrong.

Ryfle: Oh no!! What is wrong???

Rue: I'll tell you. We froze to death millions of years ago.

Ryfle: You mean we are ghosts???

Rue: Yes that is exactly what I mean. Even though we are closer to the sun while we are floating in space it is still cold too cold to live.

Ryfle: Yes, you are right. It is obvious that ghosts are real and that we are some of them.

Rue: Oh no do you know what that means???

Ryfle: Tell me.

Rue: It means that we are going to float in space forever because can ghosts die??? No.

Ryfle: Oh no you are right.

Rue: Right as rain.

Ryfle: I miss rain because it doesn't rain in space.

Rue: Except it rains meteors!!

Ryfle: Hahahahaha! Good joke, Rue!!!

Rue: Thank you, Ryfle.

Ryfle: Here is a question. Is it ture that when people in space become ghosts they are either a good ghost or a bad ghost???

Rue: No that is made up. It is a myth that people said on the Internet.

Ryfle: Look a black hole!!

Rue: We are getting sucked into it. It is a good thing we are already dead because a black hole would kill us.

Ryfle: You are right. Now it is interesting instead of scary.

Rue: We're getting sucked in!! I wonder whats going to happen!!!!

Ryfle: Scientists have a theory about what happens. Lets see if their right!!!

Rue: I'm in the black hole now and its so great because I'm alive now again and the plus cold space is okay and it doesn't kill me!!

Ryfle: They were right!!!!

Rue: And do you know what else is cool now????

Ryfle: There is more???!!!

Rue: Yes. If I paint something now it comes to life.

Ryfle: Paint us a huge spaceship that is filled with beautiful ladies. Paint us home.

Rue: That is hard to draw but I will do it. I will draw fast because now that I'm alive this black hole is starting to kill me!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ryfle: Draw as fast as you can!!!

Rue: There. All done. But I'm dead.

Ryfle: He did it. There is a spaceship with beautiful ladies. It is too bad he is dead. But I can bring him back to life by using his hand to draw himself back to life.

Rue: Thanks, Ryfle.

Ryfle: You are welcome. Seond star to the right and straight on till morn.

Rue: Yes captain.

Don't Call People

2008-06-16T16:04:00.000-07:00

It is the year 2572 A.D. The future. The Global Warming… has been solved. The pollution …has been solved. Even the war crisis…has been solved. Yet, yet another problem is facing our nation like the deadly ferocity of a lion. That problem is called overpopulation. MIT students with 4.0s have made advances in food technology, sky houses, and space travel. Even though they did, overpopulation has made extra people something that’s bad. Because extra people means extra phone calls. The population explosion left phone lines so jammed that nobody could even call nobody. The United World of America Government was forced to take action. Immediately. And extreme circumstances called for extreme measures. So now, whenever somebody makes a call the government kills a random guy. When they do this, the person who made the call will feel guilty and won’t want to call again. Plus there will be one less person to use a phone in the future. But sometimes people still make phone calls.

Valtony is a government agent and it’s his job to kill somebody when a call is made. Whenever somebody calls somebody, he gets a random name is sent to him from Mr. Internet, who in 2572 is now a real person who can live forever. So one day Valtony gets the name of kill the United World of America’s Emperor. Something is bad about this! The Emperor’s name was supposed to not be on the list.

Valtony gets ready to kill the Emperor, but then he has a dream that says don’t. Somebody is a killer and wants Valtony to assassinate the Emperor! The name was sent to him on porpoise! But who is doing it that is the mystery. The dream was so real, so Valtony quits his job as a government agent so he can be a detective to see who tried to kill the Emperor. But to do the case Valtony has to make a ton of phone calls. People keep dying because of him and Valtony feels really crappy. Soon he finds out that the guy who is doing it is Mr. Internet!

How can Valtony stop Mr. Internet when he is a real person that knows everything? Valtony must hack into him and give him an Mr. Internet virus. Valtony goes to his Poltony and he asks him and he says that I need you to make a virus to kill Mr. Internet. Poltony went to MIT and so he starts to do it, but then he gets killed by a government agent because somebody in the world made a phone call. It was a coincidence. So then Valtony jumps out of the way of a bullet and takes the computer virus upstairs and forcefeeds it to non other than Mr. Internet. Mr. Internet gets sick and dies and its good because he wanted to rule the whole world that’s why he wanted the Emperor to die. Valtony calls the Emperor and says you’re safe, but its sad because when he called the Emperor a government agent coincidentally ended up killing his son. Meanwhile the same exact thing was happening on Mars, where humans have lived in since 2412.

Delay of Game

2008-06-04T15:53:00.000-07:00

Scene: During a Yankee game, an alien ship descends onto the field. Yankee 3^rd baseman Morgan Ensberg steps out from the ship. The spaceship flies away.

Morgan: Hey everybody! I’m back!

Umpire: Morgan? We didn’t know you were gone!

Morgan: What do you mean you didn’t know? Who’s playing 3^rd base?

Umpire: That’s what’s so strange, Morgan…You’re!

(the camera goes to third base and sure enough, there’s Morgan Ensberg, playing catch with the shortstop)

Morgan: But that’s impossible! I’m right here!

(Morgan Ensberg stops playing catch and walks over to Morgan Ensberg)

Morgan: Hey! What’s going on?!

Morgan: That’s what I want to know.

Morgan: You look just like me!

Morgan: I guess I do. That’s so – Quick! Everybody run! There’s a werewolf on the field!

(nobody sees a werewolf)

Morgan: Morgan?

Morgan: Yeah?

Morgan: I don’t see a werewolf. Were you trying to say that you are the werewolf?

Morgan: No! Of course not! You mean…you mean you don’t see it?

Morgan: I’m sorry, no.

Morgan: That’s so weird. I guess…I guess that when the aliens took me they made it so I imagine werewolves are everywhere.

Morgan: Woah. I’m glad I’m not you.

Morgan: But you are! Look out! A werewolf!

Morgan: No. There are no werewolves.

Morgan: Hmmm.

(the crowd starts to boo)

Umpire: Can you guys talk about werewolves later? We’ve got a game going on here. Morgan, you’re needed at 3^rd base.

Morgan: I’m not going anywhere near 3^rd base. That’s werewolf country.

Morgan: He was talking to me.

Morgan: Oh. But I’m on the team too.

Morgan: Oh really? Well let me just check the roster. Let’s see, I see the name Morgan Ensberg. That’s me. I’ll check that one off. Now…le’s see…I’m looking for the name “The Morgan Ensberg Who Thinks There Are Werewolves Everywhere” That’s so strange. It’s not on here.

(Meanwhile, there’s no such thing as werewolves)

Morgan: You don’t have to be a jerk about it.

Morgan: Go back to where you came from, Morgan. Go call your alien buddies and get the heck out of here. There’s only room for one Morgan Ensberg, and I’m him.

Morgan: Don’t you see? I can’t go back! They’re gone. The aliens are gone. They left and they’re not coming back. So here I am. I’m suddenly in a world that doesn’t want me. I suddenly don’t belo- Look out! It’s the wolf man!

Morgan: Somebody get him out of here.

(Security comes and takes Morgan Ensberg away)

Morgan: Don’t take me, you idiots! Take the other Morgan Ensberg! The one wearing the alien spacesuit!

(Security releases Morgan and then walks away, sullenly)

Umpire: Hey look! A full moon!

Morgan: You know, maybe I should get some psychiatric care. I’m really…I’m sorry, but it really looks like there are werewolves all over the place.

Morgan: I’m done talking to you.

Umpire: Don’t be like that, Morgan. Morgan, if you think you need psychiatric care, that’s certainly an option. Do you think we can discuss it later though? Everyone here is waiting for this baseball game to resume.

Morgan: Sure. Yeah, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt. Baseball’s really great and I certainly don’t want to ruin it for any fans.

Later:

Morgan: Hey Umpire?

Umpire: Yes?

Morgan: Can you get me a gun and a bunch of silver bullets?

Umpire: Why, Morgan? Why do you need them?

Morgan: I don’t wanna say.

Umpire: Morgan, I think this paranormal detective agency we’ve opened is a great idea. I think it’s going to make us a lot of money. But, if we’re going to do this, I need two things from you. First, you’re going to have to get over all of the delusions implanted into your mind by space aliens. Second, you need to invent a poltergeist killing machine that can be affordably mass produced in case we decide to market that shit.

Morgan: What if I’m too busy to do those things?

Umpire: Too busy doing what?

Morgan: Too busy playing the best damn 3^rd base of my life.

Umpire: Play ball!

Drunk on Knowledge

2008-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

Year: 1 Million A.D.

Place: The Future School

Teacher: Welcome to kindergarten, homo-sapiens. Time for your Liquid Lesson!

Bret: Radical!

Allison: I’m going to be smart now!

Teacher: That’s right, Allison. Boys and Girls, if this is your first time drinking a Liquid Lesson, don’t worry. They’re just drinks that program the neurons in your brain to learn whatever we want you to learn. Today we want you to learn Multiplication, so these Liquid Lessons are Multiplication Table flavored.

Girls: Gross!

Boys: Awesome!

(Teacher passes out the drinks to all of the students. Todd’s Liquid Lesson is a different color than all of the other students. His future bionic rainbow eye looks at the drink warily and with precision)

Todd: Hey, Teacher?

Teacher: What? What is it this time, Todd? And think before you speak, because my patience with you is running razor thin. You know what razors are, right Todd? Not only are they thin, but they’re extremely sharp and they can cut you.

Todd: …!

Teacher: Okay then. Everybody drink your Liquid Lesson

(Everyone in the classroom drinks their Liquid Lesson. The camera zooms in on the heads of the children and we see they are learning Multiplication Tables. Then the camera pans to Todd. Todd just drank his Liquid Lesson and guess what? He is looking really, really scared. The camera pans to his head and we see that his Liquid Lesson wasn’t Multiplication Table flavored at all. Todd drank a secret MURDER flavored Liquid Lesson. The following scene is what Todd learns)

Jim: Hey, what’s this paper I just found? Hmm. It says that if a person drinks a Liquid Lesson and lives to be 300, they will be automatically teleported to the Pan-Dimensional Neutral Zone. Then the people will be skinned alive and worn as clothing by the Alien Elite. Hey….WHA?!

Davis: I’m sorry you had to see that paper, Jim. Now I will have to murder you in secret.

Jim: No way, Davis. I wrote this paper. And I’m sorry you had to hear me read it out loud, because now I will have to murder YOU in secret.

Davis: Skedaddle!

(Jim chases Davis throughout the Liquid Lesson factory. Davis eventually hides in the factory and quietly begins creating a secret MURDER flavored Liquid Lesson. Then Jim finds Davis and he cuts his stomach out and feeds it to him. That’s the end of the lesson. The camera zooms away from Todd’s head and he’s screaming like non-stop.)

Todd: I’m just in kindergarten!

Teacher: No you’re not, Todd. Yesterday we gave you a Liquid Lesson teaching you that you were in kindergarten, but it was…inaccurate. We apologize. It was the only way. In reality, you’re a British Spy, a top agent of MI-a Million. Also, you’re 299 years old and your birthday is in three days.

Todd: That is the true lesson.

Teacher: Go for it, Todd. You’ve got a secret MURDER to solve.

Todd:(to himself) So….I’m not really in kindergarten…

Teacher: Go, Todd! Go!

Todd: Okay!

(Todd goes to the Liquid Lesson factory to look for Jim. He runs into a man wearing a false moustache, but that’s normal and very in vogue in the year 1 million A.D.)

Todd: Hello. I’m Todd, a top agent of MI-a Million. When did you last see Jim?

Mysterious Moustache Man: Never. I’ve never seen him.

Todd: But don’t you work here?

Mysterious Moustache Man: Yes I do. But still, I’ve never seen Jim. You see my friend, I am blind.

Todd: If you’re so blind, how come you’re not bumping into things and falling down?

Mysterious Moustache Man: How do you think? I took a Liquid Lesson on the factory’s layout. I have a perfect memory of where everything is.

Todd: That is so amazing.

Mysterious Moustache Man: Yeah. Also, did you know I’m in a band?

Todd: You are? Cool. No, I didn’t know that.

Mysterious Moustache Man: It’s true. Tell you what, Todd. Here. Listen to this demo tape. You seem like a really cool dude and I seriously think you’re going to like it. And, if you do like it, tell your friends at MI-a Million. Maybe my band could play for you guys at like an office retreat or something.

(The Mysterious Moustache Man gives Todd his demo tape)
Todd: That would be awesome. Thanks, man. I’ll check it out. This is cool. Thanks.

Mysterious Moustache Man: Not a problem. Catch you later, Todd. And when you’re listening, remember: a blind man sang those songs.

Todd: I will, dude. Thanks.

(Jim scurries across a corridor, waving a lit stick of future dynamite)

Todd: I see you, Jim! You’re going to pay for what you did to Davis!

(Jim throws the future dynamite at Todd. It blows up half of Todd’s head, killing him instantly. Then, amazingly, the camera zooms out from agent Larry’s Head. He is in kindergarten class, screaming, with an empty glass of Learning Liquid in front of him)

Larry: I’m only a kindergartner!

Later:

Larry: Learning Liquid can teach you a lot of things, Collette, but it can’t teach you how to love.

Collette: Yes it can. They have a love formula now.

Larry: I’ll give it to my enemies!

Later:

Mysterious Moustache Man: Hey, drink this. It’s about my demo tape.

(Collette drinks it.)

Collette: Wow. Now I LOVE your demo tape.

(Jim throws a proximity mine at Collete)

Whither the Wizard?

2008-05-19T08:44:00.000-07:00

Scene: An old rickety mansion that is lit by oil lamps. It is the year 1944. A group of distinguished people have all just arrived

Mr. Galton: Thank you all for coming.

Tess Moonbloom: But why are we here? Why have we been summoned? Who are you?

Mr. Galton: You may call me Mr. Galton, and you are here because one of you…in this very room…is a magical Wizard.

Clyde Banter: Ha! That’s preposterous!

Orson Frock: I agree. My apologies, gentlemen, I didn’t realize this would be such a clear waste of time. I must be leaving.

Mr. Galton: Yes. Precisely the words a wizard would say.

Orson Frock: I see. You’re saying I’m the wizard?

Mr. Galton: No. But you very well might be. And your urgency to leave certainly raises suspicions.

Tess Moonbloom: Yes…yes it does….He is a wizard! Kill him!

Mr. Galton: Kill him? I believe a magical wizard would suggest that as well.

Tess Moonbloom: But I’m not a wizard!

Orson Frock: She’s the wizard! Kill her!

Mr. Galton: Mr. Frock, I have just stated that suggesting we kill a wizard is something a wizard would do. When combined with your other statement about leaving, you are up to two wizard points. Tess, you’re at one wizard point. Everyone else: zero.

Diana Ellington: I’m speechless! Speechless!

Mr. Galton: I should hope that’s not true, Mrs. Ellington. For if you are the wizard, being speechless would leave you unable to cast spells.

Diana Ellington: So now you’re accusing me? How many points am I at?

Mr. Galton: Is that a peacock feather in your hat?

Diana Ellington: …Yes.

Mr. Galton: You’re at 1 wizard point.

Diana Ellington: Absurd.

Mr. Galton: 2 wizard points! You see, I’m afraid I’m accusing everyone here of magical wizardry. While only one of you is a true magical wizard, despite my best efforts I’ve not been able to determine who.

(Mr. Galton hovers a foot off of the ground)

Tess Moonbloom: Mr. Galton! You’re…you’re floating!

Mr. Galton: What?! Who’s doing this?! Who’s making me float?! Whoever it is, this is worth 5 wizard points!!

(Mr. Galton continues to hover, flailing his arms and feet, but still unable to touch the ground)

Mr. Galton: Stop it right now or God help me, when I find out who did this it will be worth 10 wizard points!

(Mr. Galton falls to the ground, shaken but otherwise unharmed)

Mr. Galton: Was that you, Mr. Banter? Were you making me float? You’ve been awfully quiet lately.

Clyde Banter: It wasn’t me, Mr. Galton. I’m just been trying to keep quiet. I don’t want any wizard points.

Mr. Galton: Very wise, Mr. Banter. I like that. But was it wise like a wizard? Because that I don’t like!

Clyde Banter: It was wise like a man!

Mr. Galton: Very well. No points. Nevertheless, as my floating has clearly proven, magical wizards are real and there is one among us right now. By the end of the night, I promise you we will know who it is.

Later, in the parlor with the red leather chairs

Mr. Galton: No, Mr. Banton. You currently have only 3 wizard points. That is not what I find worrisome. What I find worrisome is the fact that you have 14, Mr. Banton, Fourteen Dracula points!

Clyde Banter: I just can’t win with you, can I, Mr. Galton?

Mr. Galton: 15 Dracula points! It’s three o’clock in the morning. The sun will be coming up in a few hours. And maybe that doesn’t scare our mysterious wizard, but I bet it scares you, doesn’t it Mr. Dracula?

Clyde Banter: Please. Don’t call me that.

Mr. Galton: Very well.

Later, in the ballroom with the checkerboard floor

Tess Moonbloom: Do tell us, Mr. Galton. How did you come to believe that the wizard was one of us?

Mr. Galton: A note was left on my doorstep. It said so right on it.

Diana Ellington: A note? Let me see it.

Mr. Galton: No. I lost it.

Diana Ellington: You lost it? I don’t believe you. You know what I think? I think there never was a note, Mr. Galton. I think we’re here at the whim of a madman.

Mr. Galton: Mind reading! That’s 4 wizard points! You’re up to 11 wizard points now, Mrs. Ellington! I suggest you watch it.

Orson Frock: I just want to go home!

Mr. Galton: No one’s going home! No! Everyone’s staying right here. With me. There’s a wizard in this house. We’re going to find him. And, if while we’re looking for him we all become friends, would that really be so bad?

Tess Moonbloom: What are you saying, Mr. Galton?

Mr. Galton: (sighs) I guess…I guess what I’m saying is… wizard hunting doesn’t have to be such lonely work. I just want to be friends with you.

(A fireball starts to form out of thin air. Then it goes away without doing anything)

Orson Frock: Mr. Galton, how can we be friends with you? We’ve known you for a total of 5 hours, and the entire time you’ve just been accusing us of magical wizardry.

Mr. Galton: My apologies, Orson. Can I call you Orson? Allow me to explain. You see, if someone gave you the chance to be a wizard, wouldn’t you take it? Understand - You wouldn’t have to be a bad wizard. You could be a good one. My meaning is that wizards can fly and make fireballs and enchant things and all of those things sound very enticing! Personally, I think being accused of magical wizardry is more of a compliment than anything else. I apologize for any misunderstanding Orson, but I’ve been trying to compliment you – and all of the other guests – for these last 5 hours.

Clyde Banter: Mr. Galton? Thank you.

Diana Ellington: Yes. Thank you.

Tess Moonbloom: Mr. Galton? It’s me. I’m the magical wizard.

Mr. Galton: 10 wizard points! Kill her! She’s the devil’s spawn!

Later, in the billiard room with floating daggers waiting outside every door:

Mr. Galton: We’re overmatched! The only one who can defeat her is Dracula!

Clyde Banter: I keep telling you, Mr. Galton! I am not Dracula!

Mr. Galton: Another Dracula point! That’s 17 points now, Clyde.

Clyde Banter: Mr. Galton, I can’t suddenly become a Dracula just because you choose to give me Dracula points.

Mr. Galton: Then we’re doomed.

Blown All Up!

2008-05-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

Mysterious Man: Good Morning, Mr. F. While you were sleeping we took the liberty of surgically implanting thousands of micro-bombs into your stomach. Isn’t that something?

Mr. F: What?!

Mysterious Man: We have given you power. The strength of these micro-bombs range from that of a grenade to that of a nuclear bomb. If all of your bombs were simultaneously detonated, you could blow up something the size of the moon.

Mr. F: You mean I’m gonna blow up?

Mysterious Man: No, Mr. F., I should hope not. You see, we have taken each micro-bomb and set its individual timer to go off only when it is most needed. I cannot tell you how we know when you will need each bomb. I can only tell you that we have the ability to see the future. Also, I can guarantee that no matter what your situation, you will have precisely enough time to place a bomb and escape unharmed. Of course, you cannot waste a second.

Mr. F: So I’m like an explosive superhero.

Mysterious Man: Yes. Or an explosive super villain. The power is yours and thus, so is the choice.

Mr. F: Wow. I can…I can do anything! Still, I think I’m going to try to be good. I’m going to try and use these micro-bombs to do things like save people and ensure justice and–

(Mr. F blows up in an incredibly massive explosion. Opening credits. As the opening credits roll, we watch a moon-sized chunk of the Earth rocket through space, hurling away from the sun. The camera zooms in on Roddy Gotham, a survivor and resident of the rocketing Earth chunk.)

Roddy: Woah! Look, there’s a new moon in the sky! Wait! Oh Gaaaahd! Nooooooooo! It’s part of Earth! But…but that means…

Victoria: What, Roddy?

Roddy: It means we’re gonna die, Victoria! It means we’re speeding through space away from the rest of the Earth! It’s going to get cold, it’s going to get dark, and then we’re going to die.

Victoria: But I don’t want to die!

Roddy: I know, Victoria. I don’t either. Not anymore. Not since I’ve found you.

Victoria: Thanks. Well, couldn’t we just build big rocket thrusters and attach them to our current chunk? Then we could jet around space and meet up with the rest of Earth!

Roddy: Yes. Yes we could! Victoria, you’re a genius! Let’s do what you just said!

Victoria: Okay!

Later:

Roddy: We’ve completed our rocket thruster! Now just call Florida and see if they’ve finished theirs!

Victoria: I did, Roddy. And they’re done. But there’s just one problem-

Roddy: NOOOOOOOO!

Victoria: Take a pill, Roddy. Geez.

(Roddy takes a pill. It is an ecstasy pill and it is illegal)

Victoria: Roddy, did you just take an illegal pill?

Roddy: Victoria, the pill I just took is illegal on Earth. Earth, Victoria. But we’re not on Earth anymore. We’re on an Earth chunk which I consider a whole new planet, a planet where the laws have changed. I’m going to call this planet Bonersaurus Rex.

Victoria: You are opening up a can of worms, Roddy!

Roddy: And I’m so high!

Victoria: Dammit Roddy! Dammit, you’ve got to snap out of it! We’ve built two enormous rocket thrusters but we didn’t think about how we’d bring them together! Each one is bigger than Mount Everest, Roddy! How are we going to move them!?

Roddy: Hmm…Well, why don’t we just build rocket thrusters on top of the other rocket thrusters and then move them that way?

Victoria: That’s so smart it just might work!

Roddy: Yeah. I’m so cold.

Victoria: Roddy? Roddy, is that you? I can’t see you, Roddy! It’s so dark!

Roddy: Yeah, Bonersaurus Rex is getting too far from the sun. We’re going to have to build the rocket thrusters for the gigantic rocket thrusters in very dim lighting!

Victoria. Dear God.

Roddy: I’m legally overdosing!

Later:

Victoria: Roddy is dead. Bonersaurus Rex may not have laws, but make no mistake: it has sorrow and it has consequence. Roddy’s overdose has doomed us all. Without him, there’s simply no way we can finish the rocket thrusters for the huge rocket thrusters.

Mayor: Who said that? I can’t see.

Victoria: I know! It’s dark and it’s cold! We’re too far from the sun, we’re all going to die.

Mayor: Hey, you think maybe we could just fire the enormous rocket thrusters where they are? I mean, it couldn’t get any worse, right?

Victoria: Sure, whatever.

Mayor: I can’t find the ignition button! I can’t see!

Victoria: Well use a f***ing flashlight!

Mayor: Nevermind. I found it! Here.

(The Mayor pushes the ignition button. The enormous rocket thrusters fire, igniting everything around them in a bed of fire)

All: Scream!

Victoria: And so I die, enveloped in the fiery warmth I once longed for. SCREAM.

Thirst For Justice: 5030

2008-05-07T11:53:00.000-07:00

Place: Earth: Year: 5030: Everything is really cold. You would get frostbite. There aren’t cities anymore because everything got covered in snow and ice. To compensate, human beings have evolved eight layers of skin and blubber to keep them warm. Now everyone looks weird and fat.

Blabono: I don’t know what to do about this heart disease!

Flabina: You could do excercises, Blabono, but if you do, be careful. If you do too much you’ll lose weight and freeze to death.

Blabono: That’s the issue plaguing our time.

Flabina: Don’t be a jackass. The real issue is-

Blabono: Saber-toothed polar bears!

Flabina: Exactly.

Blabono: No! I mean behind you! Saber-toothed polar bears!

(A bunch of saber-toothed polar bears drive up on bear-mobiles. They are brandishing Kelvin Swords, a sword that is constantly at 1 degree Kevin. The swords are really cool, and were invented by saber-toothed polar bears in the late 4990’s. As cool as they are, they are even more of one thing: Deadly. Because the Kelvin swords can instantly freeze to death anything they stab)

Flabina: Run for it!

(Flabina and Blabono run for it. Flabina gets away, but Blabono trips over the frozen and mummified body of the last Eskimo. As a result, Blabono is captured by the saber-toothed polar bears.)

Blabono: Oh no!

Sir Freezalot: We’ve captured you.

Blabono: If only there was a tree I could climb!

Sir Freezalot: Your parents are dead. We will raise you as our own. We are saber-toothed polar bears.

(From here, the movie will cut to Blabono learning the ways of Sir Freezealot his saber-toothed polar bear buddies. Blabono would learn how to catch fish with his hands, learn how to ride bear-mobiles, and learn how to wield a Kelvin sword. Also, Blabono would forget how to climb trees. Seven years would pass and Blabono would enter his early 40’s.)

Blabono: I still have this raging heart disease! (Stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. He drinks deeply from its icy-cold refreshing flavor.)

Sir Freezalot: That looks really good.

Blabono: Oh, it is. I seriously can’t believe how good it is when stabbed with a Kelvin sword and paired with this future fish we eat that you caught with your paws.

(Sir Freezalot stabs his Kelvin sword into a Diet Coke 8000. For the first time, he experiences firsthand the rush of adrenaline and joy that come compliments of every Diet Coke 8000)

Sir Freezalot: Wow. Just…wow. I must have more of this.

Blabono: I know, right? But I’m sorry, that was the last one. I just found these two bottles at the abandoned discothèque we raided. (ed. Note: adventure not shown. Saved for tie-in prequel)

Sir Freezalot: (roars!)

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar) I mean, I know that humans have more. I practically grew up on this stuff.

Sir Freezalot: Then we will take it from them.

Blabono: You mean-

Sir Freezalot: I mean war, Blabono. For 25 years we’ve lived in a restless peace with humanity. But never in that time did they tell us the pleasures of Diet Coke 8000. But they couldn’t keep that secret forever, and now we know.

Later:
Blabono: My heart disease!

Sir Freezalot: Tonight we attack. We’ll creep into their village and maul them while they sleep, using our paws so we can keep our Kelvin swords sanitary for the cool refreshing flavor in store for us.

Later:
General Fatmeyer: The alarms! They’ve sounded! Man your battle stations, men! God. I knew this day would come. Quickly, Sgt. Nutterbutter! Put the Diet Coke 8000 in the containment center!

Flabina: Sir? Nutterbutter froze to death from exercising too much.

General Fatmeyer: Then it’s up to you, Lt. Flabina. Our ability to thirst quench is in your hands.

Flabina: I won’t let you down sir.

Later:
Blabono: Hey you! Get down from that tree and give us your Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: Blabono! You’re alive! It’s me, Flabina! All these years I thought the saber-toothed polar bears had killed you! I felt so guilty!

Blabono: Flabina? I…remember. No, Flabina. They didn’t kill me. They saved me. They raised me as a saber-toothed polar bear and taught me their ways. That’s why I can’t climb that tree! Now climb down and hand over the Diet Coke 8000!

Flabina: No, Blabono. I know you. I know that somewhere deep inside you is the old Blabono, the human Blabono who knows how to climb trees. Blabono?

Blabono: Yes?

Flabina: Let the old Blabono out.

Blabono: (tries to imitate a saber-toothed polar bear roar)

Later:
(SirFreezalot and General Fatmeyer laugh, arms around each other, drinking a Kelvin sword-stabbed Diet Coke 8000 and enjoying its flavor immensely)

Wax The Floor 1

2008-05-05T11:13:00.000-07:00

Howard: Hey Melinda!

Melinda: Yeah, Howard?

Howard: You know that dance contest the high school is having?

Melinda: The one where the winners get a free surgery?

Howard: Bingo. I need that surgery. So I’m going to dance. And what’s more, I’m going to win. But I can’t do it alone. That’s why I need you. You’re the best dancer in school. I need you to help me.

Melinda: Come on, Howard. Thanks to a rare genetic defect and your laughably low income status, your arms are literally made out of shaped candle-wax!

Howard: Damn it, Melinda! Don’t you see? That’s why I need to win so bad! I need the surgery prize! I need to have my candle-wax arms removed and replaced with a durable, heat-resistant, plastic alloy!

Melinda: Forget it, Howard! You’ve got wax arms and you’ll always have wax arms! You’re a loser, Howard! Find yourself some other partner! But listen to me: whoever you find, she had better be good. Because I’m the best dancer around, and there’s no way you’re gonna take that surgery away from me!

Howard: You f***ing c***, Melinda.

Later:

Grace: Howard? I’ll be your dance partner Howard.

Howard: You?! Don’t make me laugh, Grace. Your legs are made out of shaped candle-wax!

(Howard drinks his whiskey)

Later:

Howard: How’d you learn to dance so well, Grace?

Grace: Well…Howard? …Did I ever tell you about how I lost my legs?

Howard: No.

Grace: They were accidentally torn off. In the dance Olympics.

(Flashback to Grace at the dance Olympics. She’s in a bloody, legless mess screaming and shouting “Why?!” over and over. Cut to the audience at the dance Olympics. A little boy gets hit in the face with Grace’s torn-off legs. He falls to the ground. He doesn’t get up.)

Howard: Is that…is that why you have candle-wax legs?

Grace: It is. And yes, maybe now my legs are made out of candle-wax, but the rest of me can still dance at an Olympic level. You see, even with wax legs I haven’t forgotten how to dance.

Howard: No. No you haven’t. Thanks, for helping me, Grace.

Grace: No problem, Howard. I just wish my brother wasn’t in the mafia.

Later:

(Melinda and Raul go to the beach and their legs and arms don’t melt)

Personification Station

2008-04-30T10:56:00.000-07:00

(A man knocks on the door of a house. It is opened by a gentleman wearing a bathrobe)

Murder: Good evening. I am the personification of the emotion “Murder.” I’ve come to kill you.

Immortality: I’m sorry, “Murder” but I am the personification of the emotion “Immortality.” You can not kill me.

Murder: I see…Quite a coincidence that we are both personifications of things.

Immortality: It is.

Murder: Hey, let’s team up! We could join together.

Immortality: No thank you. Then I’d literally have to live with guilt forever.

Murder: Come on. It’s exciting.

Immortality: Fine then.

(Immortality and Murder meld together and approach a young woman)

Immortality/Murder: You’re dead meat!

(Immortality/Murder kill the young woman off-screen. A shoe flies towards the camera. There is blood on it.)

Immortailty/Murder: Quick! Get her wallet!

(sounds of Immortality/Murder getting the wallet.)

Immortality/Murder: Well we killed her. Lets see who it was.

(Immortality/Murder open the wallet and check the Driver’s License. The Driver’s License says that the young woman, an organ donor, was the personification of the emotion “Properly Caring for Pets.”)

Immortality/Murder: What have we done?! We’ve killed another personification!

(Immortality/Murder unmeld and become individual personifications again)

Immortality: Look what you made me do!

Murder: Yes!

(Murder begins softly singing the song Amazing Grace)

Immortality: Now, every time I see someone forget to feed their dog, I will know it is my fault and I will cry. I will cry until the end of time, for my grief cannot end. For my grief, like the rest of me, is Immortal.

Later:

Immortality: Do you see this grain of sand? This single grain of sand is very, very old. It is not as old as the Earth, but it might be close. I am older than this grain of sand. I’d guess this grain of sand is maybe 3 billion years old, so…think about how long I’ve been around.

(A dog has fleas and mange)

Immortality: Let me die!

Professor: Sir, as I was neglecting to feed my parrot, I couldn’t help but overhear your dilemma.

Immortality: (sobs in a monotone staccato)

Professor: Am I correct in assuming that you’re the personification of the emotion Immortality?

Immortality: Uh-huh…

Professor: And did I hear that you’d like to die, but you can’t because you’re immortal?

Immortality: That’s so weird that you heard me.

Professor: So guess what!

Immortality: What?

Professor: I think I know a way you can die.

Immortality: No way! With science?

Professor: No. Science is a lie. We’d kill you with logic! You see, all you’d need to do is kill the personification of the emotion “Personification.”

Immortality: I wouldn’t have to live with my guilt! But….but wouldn’t killing the personification of the emotion “Personification” kill all of the other emotion personifications?

Professor: Uh-huh.

Immortality: I….I don’t think I could do it. Maybe I should just live with my guilt.

Professor: It’s your funeral.

Immortality: No...no it isn't.

(A cat’s litter box hasn’t been changed in like a year)

Immortality: I’ll do it!

Professor: Yes!

Later:

Professor: It’s me, the personification of the emotion “Murder”! I became a professor, but I still like making people kill other people!

Personification: Don’t do it, Immorality.

Professor Murder: Maybe a ferret just starved to death!

Immortality: What do I do?!

Decision Making: I am the personification of the emoticon Decision Making. Maybe I can help.

Doesn't Anybody Car/e?

2008-04-28T14:36:00.000-07:00

Marcus: You can call me Marcus. I am a car.

(Shot of a man driving a 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: I cannot speak. I cannot communicate in any way. Despite my wishes, my thoughts are mine alone; they are trapped within the very confines of my existence. I am a car.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic stops at a red light)

Marcus: The man, the driver, uses me to take him from place to place. I have no say. I go where he steers me.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic takes a free right turn at the light)

Marcus: You get used to it. Like it or not, it’s what I was made for. Sometimes, I pass others and wonder, “Do they think as I do? Are they equally trapped, equally muted in their steel-frame bodies?”

(A car passes the 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: But I’ll never know. I’m just a car. Life is passing me by as I pass it by.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic pulls into a gas station)

Marcus: Loneliness is my unseen passenger.

(The driver gets out of the car and goes into the gas station)

Marcus: My driver likes coffee and peanut butter cups. He wears suits on Sundays and he often forgets his briefcase. He likes talk radio. That’s all I know about him.

(The driver comes back and starts up the 2003 Brown Honda Civic)

Marcus: I like him okay, I guess.

(The driver pulls out of the parking lot)

Marcus: I wish he knew more people. Another passenger would be nice. Any change of pace.

(It starts to rain)

Marcus: How long will I be here? How long is this going to go on?

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic drives a generic, uneventful street)

Marcus: Sometimes I hope the driver will get into an accident. I don’t want him to get hurt, I just wonder if I’ll be able to feel anything. Even pain would be something.

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic drives through a mud puddle and gets covered in grime)

Marcus: I’ve never cared about being clean. That was always the driver’s thing. But now, when I get dirty, he doesn’t seem to care. I guess I kinda miss the caring.

(The driver, crying, stops at the Golden Gate Bridge. He steps out and jumps off. The 2003 Brown Honda Civic remains in Neutral with the driver’s door open)

Marcus: He’s not coming back. I’m so alone. Maybe a car will hit me. Maybe it’ll hit me and push me over the bridge. I wanted to come too, driver. I wanted to come too.

(A teenage gang member gets into the 2003 Brown Honda Civic and drives off)

Marcus: I’m being stolen. I don’t know how to feel.

Later:

(The 2003 Brown Honda Civic is in the bottom of a gully, stripped of its wheels, grill, seats, steering wheel etc.)

Marcus: No one will find me. No one knows I’m gone. I just want this to stop. Why am I here if I can’t talk, can’t even scream?

(It gently starts to rain. From the top of the gully, two teenage boys take aim and start firing their bb rifles at the 2003 Brown Honda Civic.)

Two by Two Means Me and You

2008-04-24T14:13:00.000-07:00

History Scholar: Think about it. Noah was on his ark for a long time. The ark had to have two of every creature. Some might say it’d be impossible to feed that many animals.

Chet: I wouldn’t say that.

History Scholar: Well you’d be fucking wrong. As this chart of animal metabolism shows, there is no possible way that an ark of the Bible’s specific dimensions could contain two of every animal and enough food to feed them all.

Chet: What are you saying, History Scholar?

History Scholar: I’m saying that God enchanted the ark. I’m saying the animals didn’t need to eat while on the ark.

Chet: But that means…

History Scholar: That’s right, Chet. Wherever the ark is, trapped inside of it are animals no one has never seen, animals who have lived inside the ark since the Great Flood but remain alive because they haven’t needed to eat anything. Finding the ark would be the single greatest discovery in the history of biology. Alas, the ark’s location is one of the world’s most unsolvable mysteries.

Chet: I know where the ark is!

History Scholar: I know you do, Chet. That’s why I’ve asked you here. As Noah’s sole surviving relative, that knowledge has been passed down to you for generations. Tell me, where is the Earth hiding the ark?

Chet: It’s in the Sahara Desert!

(Upon hearing this, a man that was hiding in the library’s shadows silently slips away. His silhouette shows that he has tentacles instead of arms and at the end’s of the tentacles are holding rapiers.)

History Scholar: Excellent! We’ll leave tomorrow.

Later:

History Scholar: Think about it, Chet. This single grain of sand has lived through more history than all of mankind put together.

Chet: What about this sand?

History Scholar: Yes. That one too. Every sand.

Chet: And we’re in the Sahara! There’s sand everywhere!

History Scholar: Indeed. And somewhere in this desert, buried beneath billions of grains of sand, is our ark. And in that ark? Creatures never before seen.

Chet: I can’t wait, Mr. Scholar. I’ve never had a pet before.

(The silhouette of the tentacle-armed man slips further back into the desert’s shadows.

Later:

Lars Adolph: Yes, thank you gentlemen for doing all of the work for me. Now I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you both to step away from the ark. (points guns at History Scholar)

History Scholar: I see. I might have known it was you, Lars. You’ve been the mole all along.

Lars Adolph: The mole? Hmmm. Perhaps, by your bastardization of the word. I prefer to call myself an infiltrator. The real mole, the true mole, stepped off of this ark almost 5000 years ago.

Chet: So what? You’re just going to kill us and take all of the credit for discovering the unknown creatures?

Lars Adolph: Damn the credit! I’m going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams! Don’t you get it?

History Scholar: Get what?

Lars Adolph: Oh my gosh! You really don’t get it!

Chet: Fine, but could you please tell us?

Lars Adolph: Okay. In this ark, nothing needs food! But what is more, in this ark, you can live forever! I can chop it up into a billion pieces and sell each sliver for a million dollars! I’m talking about immortality, gentlemen. I’m talking about the power of God. I can use this ark to gain the unlimited wealth which I can then use to fund my unlimited life span.

Chet: But what about the mysterious animals that are living inside?

Lars Adolph: I couldn’t care less. I’m allergic. Let. Them. DIE!

(Lars Adolph shoots his machine gun into the air)

History Scholar: Chet?

Chet: Yes, Mr. Scholar?

History Scholar: I’m scared.

Even Later:

Lars Adolph: Okay, but I must warn you. I was the rapier champion at Cambridge. Never lost a match

Tentacle-Armed Man: Consider myself warned.

(They duel, both of them using two rapiers.)

History Scholar: Quick, while Lars is distracted! Lets see what those ark animals look like!

Chet: I’m on it.

Latest:

History Scholar: Tentacle-Armed Man! You’re bleeding!

Tentacle-Armed Man: Yes, I’m afraid Lars had quite a talent with rapiers.

Chet: But you’re going to be okay, right?

Tentacle-Armed Man: Oh Chet… I don’t think so. Not this time.

Chet: But you can’t die! You’re my friend!

Tentacle-Armed Man: I’ve been alive for almost 5000 years. That’s a long time, Chet. It’s too long, frankly. It’s my time to go. I have tentacles.

Chet: No!

Shine A Light On Cave (Updated Revision)

2008-04-21T15:22:00.000-07:00

Tirby: I don’t know... This cave is really dark. There could be bears or something in here. Maybe we should find something else to go into.

Helen: Oh come on, Tirby. Give me a break! We’re in a forest!

Tirby: Fine. We’ll go into the cave then.

(Helen and Tirby go into the cave and they keep walking even though they can’t see anything. Time passes, as it is wont to.)

Tirby: Hey Helen. Did you know I have a cousin who is blind?

Helen: That must be so hard. Because if you think about it, the earth is really beautiful.

Tirby: I know.

Helen: Hey Tirby?

Tirby: Yeah, Helen?

Helen: I’ve been dead for like an hour now.

Tirby: That is so funny, Helen.

Helen: You’re right. I was joking.

Tirby: Oh.

Helen: Except I’m not joking! I’m dead. I tripped and snapped my neck back there.

Tirby: What? So you’re a ghost?

Helen: Do I feel like a ghost?

(Sounds of Helen putting Tirby in a full-nelson.)

Tirby: Woah. So if you’re not a ghost, then what are you?

Helen: Who knows. It’s like pitch black in here.

Tirby: Hey, let’s dig up a bunch of corpses and bring them in the cave and see if the cave makes them come alive.

Helen: Okay. I’ll wait here because I can’t leave the cave and I know that because I wrote it in my diary yesterday because I’m a psychic.

Tirby: Okay. I’ll go get a bunch of corpses.

(Tirby goes to the surfer prisoner cemetery and digs up a bunch of surfer prisoner corpses. He puts them all in a huge wheelbarrow and brings it to the cave.)

Surfer Prisoner: We’re going to kill you, Tirby.

(In the dark and through the chaos, the sounds of Tirby putting on his rollerblades are heard)

Tirby: Not today, surfer prisoners.

(Sounds of Tirby rollerblading deeper and deeper into the cave, deftly jumping over obstacles and stalagmites that he can’t even see.)

Helen: Tirby? Why’d you bring surfer prisoner corpses?!

Tirby: I’m sorry! I thought one of the bodies might be…I thought I might find my dad.

Helen: Oh Tirby…I’m so sorry. You never told me.

Tirby: Well…I never met my dad. Mom said she never told him I existed. It was a one-night-stand kinda thing. She didn’t even know his name.

Helen: Then…how do you know he was a surfer prisoner, Tirby?

Tirby: How? Because he never came looking for me. He never checked, never called my mom back. That kind of person should be in the ocean jail.

Helen: You’ve damned us all, Tirby. Damned us all.

(Sounds of the surfer prisoners getting closer)

Tirby: Sorry. Hey Helen? Have you figured out what you are yet? I mean, you’re not a ghost, but you’re dead and still talking. Make some sense out of that.

Helen: Tirby, please. Will you get off my back? I don’t know. Shine a light on me and we can find out.

Tirby: But what if you’re a monster that lives in this cave and somehow, nobody knows how, you can read the mind of corpses and animate them and you do it all so that people will shine a light on them because maybe light gives you some kind of power.

Helen: NAILED IT!

Tirby: ????!

Helen: RAAARRGH!

(Tirby is heard screaming and then quickly relacing his pro-quality rollerblades.)

Tirby: I got these rollerblades as a Christmas present!

Helen: COOL.

Tirby: I’m sorry, Helen. I’m sorry you died.

Helen: RAAARRGH!

Tirby: But tell me one thing, cave monster. Helen…the real Helen…when she was alive…was she ever really a psychic?

Helen: YOU BET.

Tirby: Later!

(Tirby is heard rollerblading and making a gun out of a stalagmite.)

Later:

Helen: Maybe I’m just an animated corpse and maybe this will all end tomorrow, but I need you to know…I’ve fallen in love with you.

Surfer Prisoner: I love you too. I’m Tirby’s dad.

Helen: Let’s go find him and force him to shine light on us.

Surfer Prisoner: I can’t see a damn thing.

Later:

Tirby: I’ve got to go to the bathroom!

Later:

Tirby: Thank you. And what I have come to learn, everyone, is that when things are dark, when it looks like there’s no light at all and it couldn’t possibly get any darker, if during these times you really try and open up your soul, then during these times you can see more clearly than you ever have before.

(Tirby pops his collar)

Mayor: He murdered Helen! Stab him!

Tirby: Oh shit!

The Thing about Frim-Fram

2008-04-17T16:16:00.000-07:00

Neil: Geez, my stomach really hurts.

Neil’s Mom: God. Drive yourself to the doctor if it hurts so much.

Neil: Fine, I will. Drive yourself to the bar if you need to drink so much.

Neil’s Mom: Fine, I will.

Neil and Neil’s mom both get in separate cars and drive away.

(While Neil is driving to the doctor, his stomach bursts open. Inside is a furry creature that peaks out from Neil’s stomach and smiles at him)

Neil: AAAAAAGH!!! What the fuck?

(Neil bleeds all over his car.)

Frim-Fram: Hey Neil! I’m Frim-Fram, your stomach pet! Don’t worry about the bleeding, I can patch this up in no time!

(Frim-Fram licks the area around Neil’s wound and the bleeding stops. Frim-Fram remains half-emerged from Neil’s stomach. He looks up at Neil and smiles, proud of himself.)

Frim-Fram: Sorry about that. I just wanted to meet you so badly!

Neil: I’m dreaming. I’ve got to be dreaming.

Frim-Fram: Well that’s not true. And is that any way to meet somebody new? Tell them they’re not real?

Neil: Sorry, I just…I don’t know what’s going on. People have stomach pets?

Frim-Fram: Some people do! The lucky ones do!

Neil: The lucky ones? I’ve got a talking furry creature poking out of my stomach. How is that lucky?! I’m a freak! What am I gonna do in P.E.? Everyone will see!

Frim-Fram: Oh, you’ll be fine.

Neil: God, and not just P.E! Even with a shirt on I’ve still got this football sized talking protrusion sticking out! I can’t hide that!

Frim-Fram: Come on! I’m Frim-Fram! You’re supposed to be happy! We’re supposed to be friends!

Neil: I’ve got friends!

Frim-Fram: No you don’t Neil…. You know, I’ve been in your stomach for a long time… The other kids they just….they just don’t understand you. But now, now you’ll have a friend with you wherever you go! And I’ll help you make new friends!

Neil: You mean…you’re going to make me popular?

Frim-Fram: You bet I will, Neil. I’m Frim-Fram! I’m a stomach pet!

Later

Neil: No, Frim-Fram, they don’t like me, they like YOU!

(Frim-Fram puts on his sunglasses)

Frim-Fram: Frim-Fram!

Later:

(Phone Rings)

Neil: Hello? This is Neil. Oh, hey Heather! How are you? Oh…you want to talk to Frim-Fram? Oh. Just a second. (to Frim-Fram) Here. It’s for you.

(Neil hands the phone to Frim-Fram)

Frim-Fram: Hey baby. You used the dial and made me smile. …. Shoot girl ….Yeah, I’m interested…. For you, anything….I’ll have Neil walk me over…. Yeah, I can bring the booze…

Neil: (whispering) I’m 16, Frim-Fram! I’m not getting alcohol! I’m not going to take you anywhere.

Frim-Fram: (still on the phone) Alright, Heather. See you in ten. And Heather? Wear something…comfortable.

(Frim-Fram hangs up the phone)

Neil: Damn it, Frim-Fram! I’m tired of this! For four months you promise me popularity, but all I am is just a tag-along! Nobody wants to talk to me! I’m just some third wheel whose stomach pet girls like to make out with!

Neil’s Mom: You’re a loser! My kid is a freak loser!

Neil: Have another drink, Mom! Maybe that’ll solve your problems!

Frim-Fram: Calm down, Neil. Like I said, this is all part of the process. These girls are gonna fall in love with me and I’m gonna break their hearts. And whose shoulder can they lean on then? Yours. Just sweep in and take care of them. And once everybody sees how many girls you’re getting, you’ll have more friends than you know what to do with!

Neil: I don’t like it. I’ve changed my mind. I want to do this on my own.

Frim-Fram: Don’t make me laugh. Didn’t you hear what your mom said? You’re a loser! You can’t do shit on your own. Now shut up and walk me over to Heather’s place. I have a feeling she wants to do more than make out tonight.

Neil: No.

Frim-Fram: What did you just say?

Neil: No. No, I’m not going over there. Heather’s a nice girl and I’m not going to be a part of this.

Frim-Fram: You better be real careful what you say, son. You best think real hard. Remember, I’ve got my feet resting here in your insides. Right now they’re sitting there all peaceful like. But they’ve got claws, Neil. They’ve got claws and they’re starting to feel restless.

Neil: You’d…you’d kill me?

Frim-Fram: Without a second thought. Without remorse and without blinking an eye.

Neil: But you’re…you’re my stomach pet!

Frim-Fram: Wake up, Neil. Who’s whose pet?

Later:

Shobo-Nobo: I’m Frim-Fram’s stomach pet!

Neil: This can’t be happening!

Neil’s Mom: Nobody cares, Neil. You’re a failure. You’ll always be failure.

Sick Monkey: The Origin Story

2008-03-03T13:55:00.000-08:00

Scientist: I’m telling you General, I don’t like this. I never signed on to be a part of biological warfare.

General Detento: You don’t like a lot of things, Scientist, but I never hear you complain when your paycheck comes around. And besides: you don’t have a choice anymore. Now stop bitching and test the experimental virus! Inject it! Inject it into the monkey!

(Scientist, his feelings clearly hurt, puts on a biohazard suit and injects the monkey. The monkey screams and then clutches his tummy, showing how he doesn’t feel very good. Scientist seals the monkey in an airtight room with many monkey toys.)

General Detento: It is done. Now what?

Scientist: We wait. Unfortunately, that monkey is as good as dead.

General Detento: You’re sure?

Scientist: General, I am very good at what I do. It’s a virus. Top shelf.

(Sick Monkey is put in an airtight glass room and monitored. We see Sick Monkey looking pale and half-heartedly playing with the monkey toys placed in the room. Soon, Sick Monkey grows more feeble and more skinny. He defecates and vomits in a constant stream)

Scientist (through a speaker): I’m so sorry I did this to you, Sick Monkey. My God! Sick Monkey, your fever is at 109! I don’t want you to die. Don’t die, Sick Monkey! Don’t die!

(Sick Monkey struggles to find strength and is barely able to put his hand up to the window. Scientist does the same. They are friends. All is forgiven.)

Scientist: Thank you… Thank you.

(The Sick Monkey almost dies)

Scientist: No!!!

(Scientist looks at the clock. It is getting late.)

Scientist: I’m going to go to bed. Before you die, Sick Monkey, I need you to do something for me.

(Sick Monkey gives Scientist a look because he’s so sick, what could he possibly be able to do?)

Scientist: Sick Monkey, I need you not to die. Goodnight.

(Scientist leaves the room and goes to bed. The camera focuses on the equipment reading Sick Monkey’s temperature. It goes to 110. Then it goes to 111. Then it goes to 112. Then it goes to one hundred fucking thirteen. An alarm sounds, and Scientist rushes into the lab in wearing a robe and socks.)

Scientist: SICK MONKEY! Sick monkey, I told you NOT…TO…DIE!

(Sick Monkey, his heart barely beating, doesn’t respond. But the equipment reading his temperature drops to 112)

Scientist: Yes! Yes! Keep that up! I’m going back to bed.

(Days tick off the calendar to show the passage of time. Still, Sick Monkey refuses to die. A month later his temperature is at 111 degrees. A month after that, it’s at 109 degrees. He appears to be getting better, though he is still very, very sick. To pass the time, Scientist talks to Sick Monkey through the room’s speark and tries to teach him to understand English. He can’t tell if it’s working or not because Sick Monkey is too weak to respond and he just keeps throwing up.)

Scientist: Sick Monkey, you’re at 108 degrees today. That’s still awful, but it’s better than yesterday. If you can just hold on, Sick Monkey, you can beat this thing! Here, watch this movie about superheroes.

Sick Monkey: VOMIT!!

(Unbelievably, time continues to pass. Sick Monkey’s temperature is soon at a mere 103 degrees.)

Scientist: In a few months, you’re going to be okay, Sick Monkey. You’re going to be okay and I’m going to let you out and I’m going to take you home and we’re going to be friends!

(Sick Monkey gives a weak monkey-smile and one of his teeth falls out. There is puke on it.)

Scientist: Just hang in there.

(Then the day finally comes when Sick Monkey’s temperature is right at normal monkey temperature. At this point, Scientist has a beard.)

Scientist: That’s it! I’m going to unseal your quarantine room!

(Sick Monkey is excited. He’s feeling normal now, and he’s excited to be able to leave. Sick Monkey has learned a lot during his time in quarantine, not the least of which is that Scientist is a good person who has taught him a lot of other things that Sick Monkey has learned.)

Scientist: Okay…I’ll just flip this switch and…you’re free!

(The door unseals itself and Sick Monkey comes out to hug Scientist)

Scientist: Oh…oh no…I don’t feel very good… Sick Monkey, I think you’re still contagious!

(Scientist vomits and defecates continuously and dies, his body covered in filth and twisted in pain. His beard lies peacefully on the floor, firmly attached to his face which is also on the floor.)

Sick Monkey: Monkey cry!

(Days pass and Sick Monkey waits and mourns over the body of Scientist. With the vomit, defecation, and decomposing Scientist, it starts to smell, really, really foul in the lab. Despite how gross it would be, Sick Monkey would unknowingly grow stronger. The same virus that almost killed him, that same virus that killed Scientist, would be making Sick Monkey stronger than he ever was before. And what is more, each passing day would make Sick Monkey would at to his strength. As Sick Monkey would be gently monkey-weeping, General Detento would appear on the vid-screen)

General Detento: My God! Scientist is dead?

Sick Monkey: (patriotically signing using ASL and only ASL): Sick Monkey feel better. Scientist release Sick Monkey. Sick Monkey still contagious. Virus kill Scientist.

General Detento: You’re still contagious? I’m going to use you for warfare!

Sick Monkey: (angrily signing while making a raspberry sound) No! No!

(Sick Monkey picks up a truck that was in the lab and he hurls it in frustration.)

General Detento: Woah! You can trow trucks?! Throwing trucks might be useful…in war! With that strength, Sick Monkey, I will extra use you for warfare! (Note: General Detento would be played by Jorge Garcia of Lost and Becker and Curb Your Enthusiasm Fame. If he will not agree, perhaps a CGI likeness?)

Sick Monkey: (signing) I will use my strength to save people!

General Detento: How are you going to save people, Sick Monkey? You’re so contagious that if you get near people, they’ll die!

Sick Monkey: (signing) Hmmm… (Picks up an Iron bar and bites it in half)

General Detento: We’re going to get you, Sick Monkey. I’m sending my men to capture you.

Sick Monkey: (signing) You’ll never catch me, General. I’m too strong. I’m too contagious. The pain I bring...

General Detento: I will catch you! They’ll be there in 5 minutes. I suggest you surrender, Sick Monkey. You’ll never be able to save people anyway. Not when you’re a contagious fugitive.

(Sick Monkey gives General Detento the bird on the vid-phone. Without another sign, Sick Monkey punches through a wall, and steps outside. A S.W.A.T. team is waiting outside, but before they can shoot Sick Monkey with tranquilizers, they start with the defecating and vomiting. And then of course they all die.)

Sick Monkey: (signing) Fuck. This shit just got real.

Coming to Term

2008-01-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

Year: 1941
Place: Top Tropical Government Lab

Sgt. Barl Mensop: (Gruff and serious) Are you sure?

Red Winston: Yes. Yes sir. I double checked.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: And the father? Do we know who he is? I mean, who could even do this?

Red Winston: We don’t know. This is all very new. We have to be very careful. It’s a very delicate pregnancy.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: Well how far along is she?

Red Winston: There’s no way of knowing sir. We think it’s still early, but those are just guesses. You have to understand - we’ve just never witnessed this type of pregnancy before. She could give birth tomorrow, or next year, or she could give birth 68 years from now.

Sgt. Barl Mensop: 68 years?!

(An explosion occurs because it’s the bombing of Pearl Harbor. Red Winston dies because the force of the explosion rips his head off. Barl Mensop survives that, but then is impaled by a bomb.)

Sgt. Barl Mensop: (dying) I can’t….die! If I die there… there will be no one to…tell the world that…the planet Earth…is pregnant! (dies)

Sixty Seven Fucking Years Later:
Scene: A newly married couple is sailing their boat in the Pacific Ocean
Lady Tepper: Dang it!

Laurence Tepper: What?

Lady Tepper: Oh, I just dropped my pregnancy test in the water. I fished it out, but it’s got ocean water on it now.

Laurence Tepper: Wait a holy shit minute! This pregnancy test says “baby”! But that means…

Lady Tepper: That’s impossible, Laurence.

Laurence Tepper: Here... Put another one in the water.

(Lady Tepper puts another pregnancy test in the water. The two stare at it in silence. Again, the word “baby” appears on the pregnancy test.)

Laurence Tepper: Earth is pregnant! This Earth. The Earth I’ve lived on my whole life. It’s pregnant and it’s going to have a baby.

Lady Tepper: What should we do, honey?

Laurence Tepper: We have to let people know. We’ve got to tell the government, an Earthologist, and a Gynecologist! And we’ve got to do it STAT.

Later
Scene: Just the Oval Office
Dr. J. Roberts: Mr. President, it’s true. I know it sounds incredible, but it’s true. Earth’s due any day. But there are –

President X: What will the baby look like? Will it look like me? Like you?

Dr. J. Roberts: The baby will look like a ------------------- (Dr. J. Roberts’ voice is censored and we can’t hear what she says)

President X: Amazing!

Dr. J. Roberts: With all due respect, Mr. President, you bet it’s amazing.

President X: (Ushers my dad out of the Oval Office, and then whispers frantically to Dr. J. Roberts) But what’s this I hear about problems?

Dr. J. Roberts: There were…complications

President X: What do you mean, “complications?”

Dr. J. Roberts: You have to understand, Mr. President, the Earth has been pregnant for a long time. 67 years, we estimate. And we didn’t know! None of us knew!

President X: ….

Dr. J. Roberts: All of the pollution, the mining, the drilling, I mean that kind of stuff takes its toll….

President X: Spit it out, Roberts. Tell me what’s going on!

Dr. J. Roberts: (sighing) It’s Earth’s baby, Mr. President. It’s going to be retarded.

President X: We should’ve taken better care of our environment! We’ve been so careless!?

Dr. J. Roberts: I’m sorry, Mr. President.

President X: Do we…do we know how retarded?

Dr. J. Roberts: Well, we don’t have anything conclusive, yet. We just know it’s pretty bad.

President X: God, oh God!!....What have we done?!

Dr. J. Roberts: That’s not the question to ask, Mr. President.

President X: I’m the president.

Dr. J. Roberts: What we need to ask is “Who’s the father?”

President X: Well?!

Dr. J. Roberts: We don’t know.

President X: I need you to find out, Dr. J. Roberts.

Dr. J. Roberts: I will, Mr. President, but with this type of Earth pregnancy, I’ll have to wait until the Earth baby is born until I do an exciting DNA test.

Thursday:
Dr. J. Roberts: The Grand Canyon is fully dilated! It’s coming!

(In moments, the Earth’s retarded baby’s head crests from the Grand Canyon. Two hours later, there is a small, severely handicapped planet resting on Earth. Its oceans are made out of gravy and its trees grow sideways and bear broken toy fruit. The only thing that lives on the planet are horseys, and even though they’re real, they look like a stupid first grader drew them.)

Severely Retarded Baby Planet: Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar.

President X: My God.

Later:
Dr. J. Roberts: (brushing her red hair out of her eyes) Mr. President, I have some terrible news.

President X: Ok.

Dr. J. Roberts: The baby planet’s retardation is affecting everything on Earth. The average IQ, worldwide, has dropped by over 25 points.

President X: Tell, me, Dr. What should we do? How do we proceed?

Dr. J. Roberts: I’m…I’m worried that the only way to…the only way to bring back the intelligence of the world is to…is to kill the retarded baby planet. And I hate that solution.

President X: !!!

Dr. J. Roberts: And…and I don’t know for sure! I don’t want to rush into this. Sir, I’m having trouble trusting my judgment, knowing full well that even my own intelligence has been lowered. I mean, maybe there’s another way! Must we really kill this planet miracle, just for our own intelligence?

President X: An ethical question beyond even Aristotle.

Dr. J Roberts: Aristotle's the father!

Fur Coat of Arms

2007-12-04T15:41:00.000-08:00

(After opening credits, screen is black)

Narrator: Hello, audience. You came here expecting to see a movie. We give you…reality. What you are about to see is actually happening right outside the very theater/home you are sitting in right now. That being said, and we can not stress this enough: DO NOT LEAVE THE THEATER/YOUR HOME. The building you are currently sitting in is the only building in the world that has been deemed absolutely safe by real scientists.

(The blackness on the screen suddenly disappears and the camera shows a movie theater. A woman comes out of the theater)

Woman: Whatever! There's no danger out here! I'm not going to stay in that theater like the Narrator told me!

(All of a sudden the woman is scared and/or something because she's in pain and dead. There's a closeup on her face and she is shocked and her eyes are wide.

Woman: I…I should have listened to the Narrator!

(The woman falls down and nobody knows why except when the camera pulls back there's an anthropomorphic she-fox named Trixie and Trixie just shot the woman with a crossbow. Trixie has silky, golden brown fur. She is quite fit and very noticeably naked.)

Trixie: Now I'm going to enter this movie theater/your house!

Narrator: Look out, audience! She's talking about the very movie theater/home you're in right now!

Trixie: (Looks into camera) Here I come, everybody!

(Trixie approaches the movie theater but suddenly she's machine-gunned down by a man with a lot of muscles and a lot more of only one thing: Guns)

Man: I'm the Narrator!

(The Narrator empties another clip into Trixie's flawless anthropomorphic nudity as he speaks to the audience)

Narrator: Audience, this is the danger I was warning you about. These creatures are taking over the world. First they seduce the population and then they go kill it with crossbows that they made at home without any help from their friends. But I'm going to protect all of you. Just stay inside, no matter what! (snorts a line of coke)

(An anthropomorphic tigress named Tigress, wearing a see-through mesh shirt, cut-off jeans, and black prostitute boots, backflips onto the street. She is part vampire.)

Tigress: (anthropomorphic chest heaving with adrenaline) If you let me destroy your world, we can do it right here, right now.

Narrator: !!!!!

(The narrator launches a grenade at Tigress, and she is so shocked that her mouth opens and she accidentally swallows the grenade.)

Narrator: Hey, audience members watching this in the theater/your home. Before Tigress blows up, know that there was a time when I loved her, when I would have sacrificed anything for her. We were in a such a cool band together. We excelled. She sang and I played bass. And when we fell in love our music, our music which was experimental and edgy to begin with, evolved into this beautiful suffusion of steak and gravy. But it turned out she was anthropomorphic the entire time and she killed my family and my friends. Still...even then...I kept right on loving at her. Why do I tell you this? I tell you so you can see that….well…I'm not a perfect man.

(The grenade inside Tigress blows up.)

Narrator: But I'm a perfect killing machine!

(The Narrator looks through the blown up remains of the sultry anthropomorphic tigress Tigress.)

Narrator: Why didn't you tell me, Tigress? (To the Audience) I just now found out she was pregnant when she blew up.

(A man named Jerry leaves the theater)

Jerry: Man, there's no way that's happening outside. There's no way! Sexy anthropomorphic animals? No way.

Narrator: I said stay the fuck inside!

Jerry: What the? You're.....real?!

Narrator: Look out!

(A velvatine anthropomorphic giraffe, in the bloom of her youth and wearing only a G-string, attempts to bite off Jerry's head. Trying to protect Jerry, the Narrator jumps on top of the giraffe and wrestles it to the ground. The giraffe fights back, and there is a jumble of wrestling and entanglement. Their fighting slows, however, as suddenly the Narrator and the anthropomorphic giraffe are kissing passionately.)

Narrator: Oh, the sweetness…

(Jerry attempts to return to the movie theater, but the Narrator shoots him before he can get back. The screen goes black and the audience just hears the Narrator's voice.)

Narrator: Okay, audience members. It's safe to come out now. No need to worry about the sexy, beautiful, nude anthropomorphic animals. Nobody's going to hurt you. Just…just come out of the theater/your home. The movie's over. Come out….come out!

(Suddenly onscreen is an anthropomorphic she-raccoon named Rockette. She looks to be about 22, and she's wearing a thin white t-shirt with no bra. Through the t-shirt, you can see some of her fur.)

Rockette: Audience! I'm an anthropomorphic raccoon, and I want you to know that I'm on your side! Do not leave the theater/your home! The Narrator is trying to trick you!

Narrator: Don't believe her! I've killed all the anthropomorphic hotties! Come out of the theater/your home! It's safe now!

Rockette: Ok, Narrator, if you've killed them, what am I doing here?

Narrator: (chuckles, evilly) Okay, you caught me, Rockette. But the audience will have to come out sometime, and when they do, I'm going to tear their heads off! Love has blinded me! (Narrator points to the generous chest of the anthropomorphic giraffe.)

Rockette: We've got to work together, Audience! I'm going to try and stop the Narrator and the other anthropomorphic vixens taking over the world, but I need your help! You be my eyes. If you see the Narrator or a buxom anthropomorphic dolphin or horse or other animal, I need you to yell at the movie screen/your television screen and tell me where the danger is. But my hearing isn't so good, so you'll all have to yell together. Should we test it?

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Good. Okay. Pretend there's an undulating anthropomorphic ferret behind me. I'd want you all to yell "Behind you!" Can you try that for me?

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Good. Okay, on the count of three. 1, 2, 3!

Rockette: (pauses)

Rockette: Well...that was okay, but I think you can do better. Lets try it one more time. Come on, you in the back!

Later:
(Rockette is walking through an alley, anxious and on guard. A beautiful anthropomorphic panther wearing a thin, unbuttoned white collar shirt tucked into a red plaid mini-skirt, her chest heaves in anticipation as she gets ready to jump on Rockette)

Rockette: What's that, audience? Above me?

(Rockette fires her homemade crossbow and kills the anthropomorphic panther.)

Rockette: Thanks, guys!

Winston Churchill: The Once and Future King

2007-11-28T15:39:00.000-08:00

Narrator: It’s the year 1854. The American Civil War has just ended. Our hero is 8 years old and unaware of the adventure that lies before him. But then, despite his many talents, Winston Churchill never claimed to be able to see the future.

(Shot of 8 year old Winston Churchill with his face pressed up against a New York candy shop window. He looks hungry and sad. He checks his pockets for change but he’s broke)

Winston Churchill: I hate being poor.

(Winston Churchill picks up a Hershey’s Chocolate bar wrapper from the gutter. Starving, he begins to lick it. After pausing for a moment, Winston begins to chew the wrapper, trying to get some of its chocolaty taste. It is then Winston notices the children inside the candy shop staring at him in horror. Ashamed, his face reddens and his eyes water. He slowly walks to the park, too sad to run)

Lady at park: Hey there, little boy! What’s the matter? Where are your parents?

Winston Churchill: They’re dead, mam. They died in the Civil War. Now I have to feed myself, but I’m too young to get a real job.

Lady at park: Oh, that’s so sad!

(The lady turns and walks away)

Winston Churchill: Dang it, if I just had money… If I had money I could buy warm clothes, I could eat tasty treats, and I could move far overseas.

(Winston Churchill gets hit by a truck that was driving through the park)

Winston Churchill: My legs! My legs! I’ll never walk again!

Heaven Angel: No, you won’t. But you will be King of England.

Winston Churchill: I will?

(For the first time since the movie began, the heaven angel disappears.)

Winston Churchill: I will?! No! Please, come back!

Winston Churchill: My only friend, and it’s gone…

(Winston Churchill begins crying, and through the camera’s rapidly alternating shots of his ruined legs and the space where the heaven angel used to be, the audience understands that he’s crying not just because he’ll never walk again, but also because he lost his only friend)

7 years later

(It’s the year 1861. Winston Churchill is 15 years old. He is right smack in the middle of puberty, with acne, the greasy face, and the gangly arms. He is like the whole shebang of puberty except that his legs don’t work.)

Winston Churchill: Verily, I own a casino empire!

(The camera pulls back to reveal Winston Churchill is in his wheelchair on the roof of the “England Casino,” a prominent casino on the Las Vegas strip. Without another word, he wheels himself off of the roof, and the audience below screams in horror. And then a parachute opens and he lands gracefully so it’s no big deal.)

Audience: Cheer for you!

(Winston Churchill takes a huge bite from a Hershey’s Chocolate Bar. When he is done, he licks the wrapper greedily, just like he did when he was 8. He is no longer ashamed.)

Winston Churchill: Yesterday’s morn I shot an officer of the law.

Madeline: Oh, I might argue that, Winston. Yesterday’s morn we saw a picture film.

Winston Churchill: Ay, but I could have, Madeline. And t’would have been so easy. And no person in this town would have said naught!

Madeline: I must leave you, Winston.

Winston Churchill: No not so, thy villainess, thy bitch!

Madeline: Yes, Winston. ‘Tis so. Whence I fell in love, I fell in love with a lad. And maybe the lad naught had coin, but he was good and true. He would speak of how he was to be the king of all England and verily, it was kind of sweet because the boy could not even walk, so ‘twas good luck being a king and all. Oh, but now, Winston, you talk of killing officers and you denounce me a bitch, and I am so not a bitch, Winston. Daresay you have changed.

Winston Churchill: You matter not! I need you, not! And take witness, vile serpent! I AM the king of England. I am the king of England Casino!

Madeline: (softly, like a baby’s whisper) Oh, Winston, love? Do you verily think that is what thine heaven angel meant? That you should be king of a casino?

Winston Churchill: Go! Get out of here before I break thine face!

(Madeline takes off her coat and we see that she has these huge rainbow angel wings and that she was a heaven angel the whole time. She disappears.)

Winston Churchill: (Crying) No! Heaven Angel! Return to me! How many times must I lose thee? (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

(Winston Churchill, his head bent down, rolls his wheelchair slowly away from his casino empire like he’s a sad cripple on a wheelchair.)

Winston Churchill: She’s right. I have changed. I’m bitter with the taste of the hurt of the world on my soul. Oh regret! You flood my mind and dampen it like a thousand biblical floods! Yea, but it is not too late. I can change. I will change. I’m going to be good again.

(A lightning flash occurs and suddenly nobody is wearing Shakespeare clothes anymore. Nobody seems aware of the change. However, in the foreground, we see old Biff get out of a car, clutching his stomach in pain.)

(A woman approaches Winston Churchill in the alleyway)

Amelia: You’re trying to be good?

Winston Churchill: Yes. I am. But I’ve been bad for seven years and I don’t know if I can do it. I mean, see that casino over there?

Amelia: Where?

Winston Churchill: That big one. Right there, right in front of that automobile.

Amelia: I don’t see it.

Winston Churchill: Really? You don’t? With the neon lights that say “England Casino”? It’s right there.

Amelia: No, I really can’t see it. I can’t see it because I’m an idiot and I can’t see huge buildings even though I can see everything else.

Winston Churchill: What?

Amelia: Of course I can see it! Get over yourself, cripple.

Winston Churchill: Sorry.

Amelia: I’m a tomboy. I talk back to men.

Winston Churchill: Woah. What else do you do?

Amelia: This: Fly planes. You see, my name is Amelia Earhart.

Winston Churchill: The pilot?!

Amelia: Yes. I’m back.

Later

Winston Churchill: (licks chocolate bar wrapper)

Thursday

Marty: The space time… continuum?

What's Your Secret, Richie Gunsen?

2007-11-07T16:21:00.000-08:00

Voiceover: Richie Gunsen has a secret.

(Cut to scene showing Richie Gunsen tied to a chair. An angry women in a shiny leather uniform is interrogating him)

Vampelle Strovovich: Tell me what your secret is!

Voiceover: And people want to know what it is.

Richie Gunsen: Not a chance.

Voiceover: But Richie Gunsen is good at keeping secrets.

A huge explosion occurs behind Vampelle Strovovich, the force of which knocks her to the ground. She gets up and is so infuriated. Richie Gunsen remains tied to the chair.

Vampelle Strovovich: Damn you, Richie! Was that your secret?! That explosion?

Richie Gunsen: Go to hell, Vampelle. My secret lies elsewhere.

Vampelle Strovovich: (Stomps her foot and screams in frustration like, “Raaaa!”)

Voiceover: But with four evil governments listening to Richie’s every move, it’s going to be harder and harder for Richie’s secret to remain undiscovered.

(Cut to scene of a van with electrical equipment. People inside are wearing earphones and paying attention)

Van person 1: What did he just say? Was he talking about his secret just then?

Van person 2: No, I don’t think so.

Van person 1: Hmmm. I wonder what Richie’s secret is about.

(Richie Gunsen opens the back door of the van)

Richie Gunsen: I’m not telling.

Van person 1: Get him!

Voiceover: But can Richie keep his secret, even when love is on the line?

(Cut to scene of Richie getting a lap dance in the back of a strip club)

Mercedes Steem: No one’s ever liked me for anything other than my body.

Richie Gunsen: I know.

Mercedes Steem: But you’re different. You see the whole me. What’s your secret, Richie?

Richie Gunsen: It’s…It’s that….

(Richie pushes Mercedes’ breasts out his face)

Richie Gunsen: No. I won’t give you that.

(Richie walks away)

Mercedes Steem: Richie, no!

(Mercedes reaches her arm out towards Richie, but does not otherwise move)

Voiceover: And how can Richie keep his secret when he suddenly has to take care of the daughter he never knew he had?

(Richie opens the door to find a little girl looking up at him. She is holding a sleeping bag and a dirty stuffed bunny.)

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: You shouldn’t exist.

Tessa Gunsen: Daddy?

Richie Gunsen: I don’t have time for this. Governments are trying to find out my secret!

Voiceover: …a daughter… that opens up his heart.

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen laughing and having an imaginary tea-party with his daughter. Suddenly Vampelle Strovovich bursts through the door. She is wielding a long, candy-striped scythe.)

Vampelle Strovovich: Is this your secret?! Having tea parties with your daughter?!

Richie Gunsen: No Vampelle, you bitch. I love my daughter and that’s not a secret at all.

Voiceover: But when his enemies use his daughter to pry out his secret, how will Richie Gunsen react?

(Cut to scene of Richie being held at gunpoint by the president of the former Soviet Union. His daughter is chained up and hanging over the tip of a nuclear warhead.)

President of former Soviet Union: Tell me what the nuclear launch codes are, Richie! Tell me or your daughter dies!

Richie Gunsen: But I don’t know any codes! I swear! I swear on my daughter’s life! That’s not my secret! It doesn’t have anything to do with that kind of stuff! It’s more…It’s more high-school related!

President of former Soviet Union: Or she dies, Richie.

Voiceover: Can Richie Gunsen save his daughter?

(Cut to scene of Richie Gunsen holding his daughter with the President of the former Soviet Union laying strangled to death with a chain around his neck.)

Voiceover: And how can he defeat the President of the former Soviet Union?

(Slow zoom chain around the dead President of the former Soviet Union’s throat.)

Goonies II Too

2007-09-28T11:23:00.000-07:00

Mouth is 37, and he’s just been laid off from work. He hasn’t shaved in a few days, and he’s wearing his bathrobe. He goes to get the mail and finds a fancy envelope addressed to him in gold lettering.

Mouth: What the fuck? Who’d send me this fancy shit? No sé.

(Mouth opens the letter)

Mouth: No way! This is too cool! It doesn’t say who it’s from, but I’m supposed to be at the beach of Astoria at 7:00 tomorrow

Thursday:

(Mouth walks up to a man at the beach. Who is standing. It is 6:45)

Mouth: Mikey? Is that you?

Mikey: Mouth? Hey man. How’s it goin’. Yeah, it’s me. (Mikey scratches his arms frantically and wipes his nose) Good to see you, bro.

Mouth: Hey, what’s this letter about?

Mikey: Shit, I don’t know. I got one too. (Mikey continues scratching each arm) You didn’t send it?

Mouth: No man, it wasn’t me. Hey, you alright? You’re not looking so good

Mikey: Um…yeah, I’m fine. I’m just not feeling well is all.

(Andy, the babe from the first movie who 23 years later is still looking pretty good, is extremely pregnant. She walks towards Mikey and Mouth, holding a letter.)

Andy: Mikey? Mouth? I haven’t seen you in years. Did you guys send me this letter?

Mouth: No. We got one too. What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?

Andy: Looks like.

(An Asian man rises from beneath the sand)

Data: I’ve been here the whole time.

Mouth and Andy: Data?

Mikey: Data?

Data: That’s me! (invents something)

Mouth and Andy: Laugh! Same ol’ Data!

Mikey: (wiping his nose and scratching at his arms and looking sick) Hey, I gotta go for a bit. I’m just gonna use the restroom for a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere without me.

(Mikey leaves)

Data: So we’ve all been called here

Mouth and Andy: Yep. And look! There’s everybody else!

(Brand and Stef and Sloth and Chunk arrive)

Brand: What is this, some sort of Goonies reunion?

Mouth: I know, right?

Andy: That’s funny, Brand. Mouth said the same exact thing like two minutes ago.

Brand: Really?

Mouth: Yeah…

All: ……

Brand: So…where’s Mikey?

Mouth: He just went to the bathroom. He’ll be back in a sec.

Chunk: So everybody got one of these letters?

All: Yeah.

(Mikey returns. He looks better, and very relaxed and happy)

Mikey: Shit! Everybody’s here. Unreal.

Mouth: But what’s this about?
(All of a sudden, Chunk trips on a hidden rope. It’s a tripwire that causes a two-story meat cleaver to rise from the sand. It’s about to chop Chunk in half, but Sloth pushes Chunk out of the way. Chunk is saved, but Sloth is sliced neatly in twain. His top half slides to the beach ground.)

All: Scream!

Chunk: Sloth! No!

Sloth: (dying, but speaking clearly now that he’s separated from the retarded half of his body) Hey, Chunk. Listen to me. I need you to be strong. I need you to promise me that you’re going to be strong.

Chunk: (crying, though in his late 30’s) I can’t do it, Sloth! I need you! You’re my best friend! We’ve been through so much together! I’m not strong without you!

Sloth: Yeah you are, buddy. You always have been. Now you have to listen to what I say. I have the feeling that you’re about to embark on another Goonies adventure. That’s awesome, and I know it’s going to be amazing and dangerous and everything you want it to be. And it might seem like you’re gonna have to do this one alone, Chunk, but you’re not.

Chunk: Sloth!...

Sloth: I’m gonna be right there with you. You won’t be able to see me, but I’m going to be watching you from heaven. I’m gonna make sure you get the gold or the jewels or whatever it is this time.

Chunk: Thank you, Sloth. You’re the best friend I ever had.

Sloth: You too, little buddy. Know that I always appreciated how patient you were with my retarded brain. (dies)

Mouth: I’m sorry, Chunk. He’s gone.

Chunk: (looking up) He’s not gone, Mouth. He’s watching me. He’ll always be watching me. From heaven.

Andy: There’s no such thing as heaven.

Data: Look! Out there in the ocean! A boat!

(A small rowboat drifts toward them with nobody inside. They approach it, and inside the boat is yet another fancy envelope with gold lettering)

Brand: What the?!

Mouth: (reading the letter) Dear Goonies, I hope this letter finds you well. As you know, awhile back you loosed an old pirate ship full of gold onto ocean. This letter is to inform you that the ship sails still. And though the ship sails, it is slowed and weighed down by tons and tons of gold doubloons. The ship challenges you, all of you Goonies, to come find it. And whoever finds it first may claim its gold as their own. P.S. Yet beware! One of you is a secret pirate.

Brand: You heard, ‘em boys! First one to find Willy’s ship gets the gold! (Brand dives into the ocean and begins swimming toward the horizon)

Mouth: Idiot. We’ll need boats. Lots of boats if we’re going to find this thing.

Mikey: (Murmuring) We don’t have boats.

Later:

Mouth: We lets steal some boats then.

Later:

Chunk: Man, every time we get close to Willie’s ship, the secret pirate distracts us!

Mouth: But who’s the secret pirate?

Data: (rising from beneath the ocean) The letter said it was one of us. That means a Goonie is the secret pirate!

Mouth: I know. And we need to find out who. STAT. That’s why we need you to finish inventing your traitorotron.

Data: I can’t, Mouth! It’s too hard, too complex. I’m a genius inventor who’s not from the United States. But God Damn it, I still can’t invent a traitorotron. (thinks and gasps) But a robot I'll invent can!

Mikey: (scratching his arms and looking sick) I have to go to the bathroom for a few minutes.

Later:

Stef: Run for it!

Andy: Fratelli skeletons? No way! I am sorry, but I am way too in labor for this!

Thursday:

All except Brand: Goonies!

Chunk: I wish Brand hadn’t drowned earlier.

Goonies II

2007-08-31T12:01:00.000-07:00

Scene: Astoria

(A thirty-seven year old man whips his head to the camera. His eyes are wide and frightened. Wordlessly, he takes a puff from his inhaler.)

Mikey: Run for it!

(The camera pulls back to reveal a group of 7 other people. They turn to see what Mikey is looking at, and then they too start screaming and running from the unseen menace)

Brand: Why does this always happen, with you, Mikey!!

Mikey: Everybody! Over here! I found a cave!

(the group follows Mikey into the dark cave, and we see Jake Fratelli Jr. hurry by the the cave. He's holding a Tommy Gun and is followed by 3 other mobsters.)

Mouth: It's too dark to see. I don't suppose any of you jerk-offs got a flashlight?

Data: I have flashlight! Look! Look! New invention! (A flashlight springs from a mechanism in Data's chest) Look! We see now! I save day with flashlight!

Stef: Wow. Who knew you'd come in useful.

Mikey: Um…guys?-

Data: Hey! I come in useful all the time! All the time! You just jealous of my inventions!

Mikey: Guys?

Chunk: What is it, Mikey?

Mikey: Shine the light over here!

(Data shines the light towards Mikey's voice and reveals a skeleton clutching a map)

All: Scream!

Mikey: (puffs his inhaler) What's this it's holding! It looks like a map!

(Mikey pulls the map from the skeleton's hands)

Mikey: Um…guys? Remember 22 years ago?

Andy: When we saved our parents houses with pirate treasure? And the pirate ship sailed off to sea? What about it?

Mikey: (puffs inhaler) Well… I think One-Eyed Willie left us a present. Look!

(The group hovers over the map with Data's flashlight shining on it. It's the treasure map of Two-Eyed-Jimmie, Willie's tougher, more sinister, richer pirate brother.)

Sloth: Rocky…ROAD?

Chunk: You're right, Sloth. I'm sure finding this treasure will be a rocky road.

Mikey: But we gotta do it, right guys? We're Goonies! Once a Goonie, always a Goonie! Goonie's never say "die!"

Brand: Goonies? That was 22 years ago, Mikey. Come on. Finding this treasure would be far too dangerous.

Mikey: We're Goonies, Brad. We'll always be Goonies. And maybe our houses aren't in danger… this time. But in this cave it's OUR time. It's OUR time in here. And right now maybe we're all successful adults, but we're not rich. None of us are rich. And wouldn't you like to be rich, Mouth?

Mouth: Yeah, I could get that car.

Mikey: Wouldn't you like to be rich, Andy?

Andy: Yeah, I could get that necklace.

Mikey: And wouldn't you like to be rich, Sloth?

Sloth: SLOTH!

Mikey: 22 years ago, we let One-Eyed-Willie keep his gold. Now, he's repaying us! Don't you see that? He's led us to his brother's treasure map. And I know it won't be easy, guys. But we're Goonies. We've been through this before. We've already proven ourselves worthy. I want to be rich. I want us all to be rich. (puffs inhaler) Now who's with me?

All: I'm!

Chunk: But Jake Fratelli Jr. and his mobsters are after us! We're gonna have to find the treasure with them right on our tails.

Stef: Just like old times.

Mouth: You were kissing me in old times. You want to do that again?

Stef: Ugh. Don't make me barf, Mouth.

Thursday:

Chunk: Mikey? You've been a Fratelli brother this whole time?

Mikey: Of course. How do you think Jake Fratelli Jr. found you jerk-offs in the first place? I've been spying on you for 22 years, biding my time and waiting for the perfect opportunity. Now put the gun down or I shoot the Sloth. (puffs inhaler)

Later:

Data: I wish I could invent something to save you, Chunk

Chunk: (coughs blood) I wish that too, old friend.

Sloth: CHUNK!!!

The Old Man and the Sea: Sings!

2007-08-30T13:52:00.000-07:00

Scene: The ocean off Cuba. An old man is in a small boat, rowing out to sea. He is all alone.

Old man: (Singing)
Fishing… is what I do, it’s what I’ve done
since I was young, just a boy, a fishing pole
was my first toy.

But now…I am old, my bones are cold
And no fish sold, I have failed, I can’t believe
This ship has sailed

(Chorus)
And ohhh! I’ve gotta get row-ing out to sea!
Said oh! I know…I’ve got a prim-o date with des-tin-y!

This is my li-ife!
It’s the path I have cho-o-sen.
This is my li-ife!
Ain’t gotta fix what-I-know ain’t bro-o-ken.

Fish it!

(key/tempo change)
Et-cet-er-aaaa!!!

Old Man: It sure is lonely out here in the sea. Lonely and wet and dangerous. But today I just know I’m gonna catch a fish! I just know it!

Old Man: (singing)
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I’ve gotta dare to be-lieve
That you’re wai-ting for me
And my pole.

(the fisherman’s line goes taut, but when he reels it in, all he has is some old shoe!)
Old Man: I wondered where that went! (laughs)

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
You’ve left me a-lone for so long
And I’ve got to be strong
For the boy.

Old Man: Yes, fishies, there’s a boy at home. He such a good, loyal boy and he wants me to teach him how to fish! Can you believe that fishes? He wants me to teach him! But golly, I haven’t caught anything in forever!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
I just need to come back
With a big fish on my rack.
If I could…

Old Man: I’d be a hero! I’d be the talk of the town and the boy’s parents would let him fish with me again! Yes, if I could just catch one big fish, just one, everything would be okay again!

Old Man:
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you hear me?
Oh fishes are you out there?
Oh fishes can you –

Old Man: I can’t believe it! I’ve got a bite! Oh my goodness oh my goodness! It’s a big one! Looks like this one is gonna take a bit of the old elbow grease (laughs). Come on, I can do it. I’m going to catch this fish, dag nabbit (laughs). I’m going to catch it for the boy. (struggles) Phew. I bet I know what this fish is thinking. I bet if it could talk it’d start

Old Man: (singing in a low voice)
Talking like this

Old Man: (changes his voice)
Or maybe like this.

Old Man: And what he’d say is: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty marlin
Been swimmin’-in-the-sea for years.
And I’m big and I’m stout, I was born a stubborn lout
So I can swim without no fears.

So if you think you can catch me
I hope you’re made of steel
Cause it’s a fight you’ll get, and get set to get wet
We’ll just see who’s the meal.

Old Man: And if he said that, I’d just say with: (sings)
I’m an old and feisty fisher
You’re not the first fish I’ve seen
You might say it’s my lot to have my fishing line taut.
And I’m the best that’s ever been.

Old Man: Wow! For two days I’ve been wrestling this marlin. I’m pooped! Now I just have to get back to shore. Oh no! Sharks! They’re going to eat my marlin!

Old Man: (sings)
Get back!
(get back)
Don’t steal this fish from me.

Get back!
(get back)
Your meal is not to be.

Old Man: And the sharks would sing: (sings)
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot. Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot
Doot. De-doot.
Doot-doot-doot. Dee-doot-doooooommmmmm

Old Man: (Harpoons a shark)
Take that!
(take that)
It’s time for you to flee!

Take that!
(take that)
Go find some other sea!

(the shark dies, but has eaten some of the marlin. The old man is weak and there are more sharks coming. The rest of the one-man movie has songs of sadness, fatigue, and disbelief. The old man sings in what he believes would be the voice of the other sharks, the captured marlin, seagulls, and the unseen boy back home. The movie ends with the Old Man arriving at the shores of his home with the skeleton of the marlin. Nobody else is seen, but the Old Man sings a prophetic song about what else will happen. i.e. “Oh, people will think it’s a shark, in the dark, what a lark.”)

It's All Relativity

2007-08-23T16:05:00.000-07:00

Scene: A cemetery at night

(It is pouring rain. The camera searches the cemetery and finally zooms to a tombstone that is shaped like the theory of relativity. Etched into the tombstone are the words “Here lies Albert Einstein: Genius and inventor of the formula that helped invent atomic bombs.” Sad music is playing but suddenly Einstein’s tomb is struck by lightning. We hear a rumbling in the ground. The music starts to get scary. Tuffs of Einstein’s trademark hair start to peak out from the ground. FrankEinstein, reanimated, rises from his grave.)

Gravedigger: Einstein? No! It can’t be! You’re dead!

FrankEinstein: You’re right! I was dead. But now I’m alive! ALIVE!!

Gravedigger: Oh my god! Nobody is gonna believe this. It’s so unreal!

(FrankEinstein lumbers away, arms outstretched)

Gravedigger: Man, I’ve got to call Ollie about this!

(Gravedigger gets out his cell phone and calls Ollie.)

Gravedigger: Ollie! It’s me! Yeah…yeah I know what time it is! But you’re not gonna believe what just happened! Lightning just struck Einstein’s grave and he…..well let me finish! Lightning struck Einstein’s grave and he rose from the dead! ….You shutup! I am being serious! He rose from the dead and then just walked on out of here….No, I didn’t follow him! It was creepy as hell! Oh, and hey Ollie? This is unrelated, but Veronica kicked me out this morning and I kinda need a place to crash tonight. Would it be okay if I slept on your couch? Just for a couple of nights. I promise….Thanks, man.

(The gravedigger washes up, gets in his car and drives towards Ollie’s house. He slowly drives by the science laboratory and we see that it has been broken into)

Gravedigger: Oh man! FrankEinstein must have really missed science!

(One of the lights in the science laboratory turns on and high up in the window, we see FrankEinstein slowly wave to the gravedigger as he drives out of sight)

Gravedigger: (to himself) I feel kinda bad for that dude. There’s no way that science laboratory didn’t have an alarm. Shoot. The cops are gonna come. I mean, who wants to rise from the dead just to go to jail?

(Sirens race past the gravedigger, obviously headed toward the science laboratory.)

Gravedigger: Oh man. I knew it.

(The gravedigger turns his car around and goes to the science laboratory. He arrives in time to witnesses FrankEinstein get handcuffed and rather forcefully be put into a squad car. The police car drives away and FrankEinstein stares woefully on at the gravedigger through his rear window.)

Gravedigger: (to himself) Poor guy. He just wanted to keep learning… I wonder what’s going to happen to him. Shoot. I better get on over to Ollie’s. I’m beat!

(The gravedigger arrives at Ollie’s house and falls asleep on his couch. When he wakes up it is 2:00 in the afternoon.)

Gravedigger: Time for my soaps!

(the gravedigger turns on the television and finds that his favorite soap opera is being preempted with news. The news about FrankEinstein’s arrest!)

Gravedigger: Dude!

(the camera watches the gravedigger watch television on Ollie’s couch)

TV Anchorperson: If you’re just tuning in, Einstein rose from the dead last night and broke into a science laboratory. This FrankEinstein was then arrested, and is currently being charged not only for breaking and entering, but also for war crimes because he was pretty much responsible for the atomic bomb. And while one can argue about whether or not the bombs should have been dropped, one simply can not argue that the decision wouldn’t have needed to have been made if Einstein didn’t figure out the bomb thing in the first place.

Gravedigger: Give me a break, dude! You’re making him like, the scapegoat for something that happened 60 years ago!

TV Anchorperson: We go now live to the trial.

TV Judge: How do you plead, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: Not guilty, your honor.

(The people within the courtroom gasp and then start booing)

TV Judge: Let’s just begin the trial now. I hear you’re representing yourself, FrankEinstein?

FrankEinstein: I am.

TV Judge: I would advise against that. You may wish to utilize the experience of a lawyer.

FrankEinstein: With all due respect your honor, I am the smartest person in the world.

TV Judge: Agreed.

FrankEinstein: If I think I can represent myself, maybe you should respect that.

Gravedigger: (watching TV from Ollie’s home) That’s right, FrankEinstein! You tell that jerk!

TV Judge: Duly noted. Shall we begin?

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is because of the accused, Mr. Albert FrankEinstein, that many, many people died. His brain made it possible to make atomic bombs. These weapons have proved devastating not only in regards to human loss, but also in the tensions their mere existence has put on countries. i.e. America and the Soviet Union.

Gravedigger: This trial is crazy. I wonder if Ollie has any tuna fish.

(the gravedigger gets off the couch and finds some canned tuna. He continues to watch television as he makes himself a sandwich)

FrankEinstein: Members of the jury, I just rose from the grave last night. Imagine how excited I was. I was in the future! There was so much for me to discover! Imagine my surprise when I found out it was all bullshit because seriously, you’re trying me for a crime that didn’t break any laws.

(Gravedigger eats his sandwich and nods along to the TV as FrankEinstein talks.)

FrankEinstein: Look. I’m alive. I’ve risen from the dead and it’s strange but here I am. And yes, maybe I shouldn’t have broken into the science laboratory. That was my fault. That was my mistake. But I was just so interested to see what people have discovered since I died! My heart has always been with science, and I hope you can empathize with my curiosity.

Gravedigger: (to himself) I should do something for Ollie, since he’s putting me up. Maybe buy him groceries or pizza or something.

(The gravedigger continues watching TV)

FrankEinstein: Am I really to be tried for war crimes just because I’m so smart that I’m responsible for the atomic bomb? Please, people. Please. I didn’t drop the bomb.

TV Prosecuting Attorney: Well you’re at least an accessory!

Thursday:

Gravedigger: FrankEinstein, hop into my sidecar! Quickly!

(FrankEinstein gets into the sidecar of the gravedigger’s motorcycle. The two speed off, with the police in chase.)

FrankEinstein: You! You’re that gravedigger! What are you doing here?

Gravedigger: There’s no time to explain! But I was interested in your case and I watched it in it’s entirety at my friend’s house. I was on your side the whole time, and when they found you guilty I just couldn’t believe it. They were going to execute you for something that wasn’t your fault at all! So I asked my friend Ollie if he’d help me rescue you. He’s the friend whose house I’ve been staying at. Even though he was on your side, he didn’t want to risk helping you. I hope you can forgive him for that, it’s just that he’s got a wife, two kids, and a job, and he just couldn’t risk losing them. I was mad about his refusal to help at first, and we fought for awhile. But then I saw his point. But I couldn’t rescue you by myself, I didn’t even own a motorcycle, let alone one with a sidecar. But I knew somebody who did. My ex-girlfriend Veronica. We had been living together for about six months – it’s common in this day and age – and things hadn’t been going well. She didn’t think I had any drive. She kicked me out the day you rose from the grave, and I didn’t know how to get her back. But when I saw you were going to be executed so they could have a scapegoat, it didn’t even matter that we had a past. I just went to her place, rung the doorbell, and said, “I need to borrow your motorcycle with the sidecar so I can rescue FrankEinstein.” She just looked at me for a second smiled, hugged me and kissed me, and gave me the keys.

FrankEinstein: Well I thank you.

Gravedigger: No problem, man! Where do you want to go?

(FrankEinstein draws a gun and holds it to the gravedigger’s head)

FrankEinstein: Take me to the science laboratory. I need equipment to build an atomic bomb. I’m going to drop it on people.

Gravedigger: But…I was sure you were innocent!

FrankEinstein: Well I fooled you. It was easy for me. I’m the smartest man in the world Now take me to the science laboratory. Take me there before I blow your head off!

Lava Your Fellow Man

2007-08-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Los Angeles:

Bruce: Hey, let’s play that game where the floor is lava.

Tammy: But the floor really is lava! Lookout!

(The couch Bruce is standing on melts into the floor. Bruce screams and tries to jump to a neighboring chair, but he doesn’t quite make it. His hands grasp the chair while his legs dissolve in the lava, catching the rest of his body on fire.)

Bruce: (Screams)

Tammy: Hold on, Bruce! I’m coming! Just hold on!

Bruce: (Continues screaming)

(Tammy attempts to jump over to Bruce but she misses her jump and falls into the lava. She is consumed with fire and sinks amid screams of terror. Bruce is in too much pain to notice. His hands slip off the chair and he too is lost to the lava. The lava then disappears, leaving only the smoldering ashes of Bruce and Tammy)

Thursday:

Detective Ham Johnson: Two piles of ash. Two dead teenagers. This pile here used to be Tammy Pine. Cheerleader. Star of her soccer team. And this pile here used to be Bruce Jordan, skateboarder and high school math wiz. It’s a shame. It’s a damn shame. These kids are the ninth and tenth victims of whoever is sick enough to do this. Someone is burning these kids alive, and if it takes me the rest of my life, I’m going to figure out whom!

Detective Roberts: I’ve got to get going.

Detective Ham: Talk to you later. I’m going to ask around town and see if I can’t get any leads. Somebody somewhere knows what’s been burning these kids.

Later:

(Detective Ham Johnson is riding his car home after questioning somebody at night. Suddenly a car appears next to him that tries to drive him off the road. At first Detective Ham Johnson can’t see who’s driving the other car, but just before he drives off a cliff, he sees a glowing blob of lava in the driver’s seat. When his car drives off a cliff, Detective Ham Johnson believes that he is dead for sure. But he isn’t because the car lands on the wing of a Boeing 747 airplane that was flying too close to the cliff.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava!

(Detective Ham Johnson collects his thoughts)

Detective Ham Johnson: Lava did it. Lava killed those kids and then tried to kill me when my questions started digging too deep. And Lava thinks it’s gotten away with it too, as I’d be dead if I didn’t land on this 747 here. When this plane lands, I’m going to drive back here and confront Lava. No doubt it will be surprised to find me very much alive.

(Detective Ham Johnson remains on the wing of the 747, and we see the gorgeous countryside fly by underneath him as the plane flies all the way to Charlotte, North Carolina. Once the plane stops, Detective Ham Johnson drives off the wing of the plane and lands safely)

Detective Ham Johnson: Damn it! To stop Lava I’ve got to drive all the way from Charlotte to Los Angeles! Looks like I’m in for one hell of a road trip.

(Detective Ham Johnson puts the pedal to the metal. His Mazda 323 lurches forward)

Detective Ham Johnson: Wooo-eee! I’ve got to drive fast if I’m going to stop Lava from killing more kids.

(Suddenly there is a clunking sound and then steam begins to rise from the hood of Detective Ham Johnson’s Mazda)

Detective Ham Johnson: No! How am I going to get to L.A. now?!

(Airport mechanic Dud Burls approaches Detective Ham Johnson and his broken down car)

Dud Burls: I can fix that!

(Dud Burls uses his wrench and fixes the car)

Detective Ham Johnson: Thanks. I’m trying to catch a killer in Los Angeles that is Lava. I’m worried my car will break down. Would you mind accompanying me on the trip?

Dud Burls: I’d be honored. Let’s go get this killer

(Detective Ham Johnson and Dud Burls travel together, but for some reason the Mazda breaks down again in the Blue Ridge Mountains and Dud Burls can’t fix it. Dud Burls leads them through the mountains and eventually they stumble upon an old wooden shack.)

Detective Ham Johnson: Look! A house!

Dud Burls: Yes. Let’s go inside. Maybe they have food and water. I’ll go in first to check and see if it’s safe.

(Dud Burls goes into the shack. Detective Ham Johnson waits outside for ten minutes until Dud Burls returns.)

Dud Burls: Hey! Nobody’s here! Come on in

Detective Ham Johnson: Hey, while you were inside I noticed this mailbox! It says “McCoys.”

Dud Burls: That’s strange. Come on inside.

Later:

Detective Ham Johnson: I’ll just clean up while Dud Burls is hunting. I know he told me not to, but still.

(Detective Ham Johnson cleans up under Dud Burls’ bed and finds a picture. The picture is labled “McCoy Family Portrait” and clearly identifiable in the picture is Lava and Dud Burls.)

Detective Ham Johnson: This is like the big reveal!

(Dud Burls comes home and Detective Ham Johnson tries to hide the picture)

Dud Burls: I’m gonna break your knees!

Kill It and Clean It 1

2007-08-08T13:41:00.000-07:00

Man: Have you heard of the story of the minotaur? The creature with the head of a bull and the body of a man?

Wilton Tadsel: Oh…Yeah, I think so…It’s Greek, right? That’s a scary story!

Man: (takes of man-mask and reveals that he’s got this bull head) It’s real!

Wilton: What the –

Minotaur: (Bellows)

(Wilton runs away but the Minotaur chases him through the Quizno’s. Wilton is just about to be gored by the Minotaur, but the Minotaur slips on a spilled drink. Wilton then runs outside the store and into the bathroom of a grocery store across the street. The Minotaur, slow to get up, goes to the grocery store and starts looking up and down the grocery aisles for Wilton.)

Minotaur: Wilton…where are you?! I’m gonna kill you! I’m gonna…

(The Minotaur suddenly falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. One of the surrounding grocery store customers calls the police to report the seizure. After a few minutes, the Minotaur rises. He is dazed, weak, and shaken. Still, he jumps up on top of the cereal aisle and it’s no big deal.)

Minotaur: Hey everyone! Listen! Nobody is going to believe this! I just had a vision! I had a vision during that seizure just now!

(sirens approach)

Minotaur: Shit! Somebody called the cops!

(The Minotaur jumps down from the cereal aisle and runs out the back of the grocery store. Just as he leaves, a detective enters the store.)

Detective Sandjansen: Somebody said there was a Minotaur in here?

Customer: Yes! He had a –

Detective Sandjansen: Grand mal seizure?

Customer: Yes! How did you know?

Detective Sandjansen: It’s happening everywhere. Minotaurs everywhere are having grand mal seizures and waking up with visions.

Customer: What kind of visions are they having?

Detective Sandjansen: If I knew the answer to that question, this case would be closed!

(Detective Sandjansen falls to the ground and has a grand mal seizure. Customers scream, doubly disturbed because this just happened with a minotaur only moments ago.)

Customer: You’re a Minotaur!

Detective Sandjansen: I am a police officer of the law! Does it look like I have horns? Does it look like I have a bull face?

Customer: No, you look like a man.

Detective Sandjansen: Exactly. I am a man.

(Upset and dazed from all the seizure, Detective Sandjansen leaves and goes to his detective car. He drives to a park and sits alone with his thoughts)

Detective Sandjansen: Am I part Minotaur?

Meanwhile:
Barl Mensop: I just got fired from my job!

Thursday:
Terrance Stoil: A Minotaur was running around rampant in my grocery store. He was going up and down aisles, jumping up on top of the cereal aisle, and having seizures all over the floor! I want this place decontaminated, fumigated, and sanitized! And I want it done now!

Elsewhere:
Maintenance Charlie: We’re all out of sanitizer!

Later:
ABC News Anchor: A boat carrying the world’s supply of fumigation materials sank in the ocean today. Experts predict there will be no fumigation supplies for at least 8 months. In an unrelated note, America's stock of decontaminates was completely depleted following a rash of minotaur grand mal seizures!

Back at the Grocery Store:
Terrance Stoil: Damn it all to fucking hell! There was a Minotaur in my grocery store! We’ve got to sanitize this place! We’ve got to find a way!

Lackey: But boss! There ain’t no sanitizers, decontaminates, or fumigation supplies! They all gone! We can’t clean nothin’!

Terrance Stoil: Then we make our own cleaning supplies. Get the fuck out of my way. We're gonna do this.

Saving Time

2007-08-06T16:08:00.000-07:00

It is the year 70 Million B.C. Cave men rule the world. Cave man Manosaur should be happy. He has 5 children and 1 loving cave wife. Still, his life is empty and unfulfilling and he doesn’t know why. Then, one day, as he out hunting for raptors, he sees a sudden flash. He goes to investigate, and he finds a large metal box.

Manosaur: What is this?

(Manosaur knocks on the box and suddenly the box opens. Derrick, a man from the year 2009 steps out)

Derrick: Where is Jesus?

Manosaur: Who is Jesus?

Derrick: “Who’s Jesus?” Oh no! What year is this?

Manosaur: What do you mean?

Derrick: The unthinkable has happened! I’ve gone too far back in time!

Manosaur: Back in time? Where are you from?

Derrick: Not where, my caveman friend. When. I’m from the year 2009 A.D.

Manosaur: But that’s impossible! That’s over 70 million years from now!

Derrick: Precisely. And unfortunately, it was a one-way trip. I sacrificed living in the future to meet Jesus.

Manosaur: But why? What’s so great about Jesus?

Derrick: Hmmmm….What is your name, cave man?

Manosaur: Manosaur. And may I ask your name?

Derrick: I’m Derrick. And Manosaur? I think I can help you.

Through the rest of Act 1 and all of Act 2, Derrick teaches Manosaur the word of the Bible. He tells him about the great flood that will occur, and about Samson and David and Goliath and most beautiful of all, he tells Manosaur about Jesus and how after 70 million years, he will release Manosaur from the tortures of hell. Through it all, Manosaur is enraptured, and is saddened only by the fact that he will not live long enough to meet Jesus.

Derrick: I know what you mean, Manosaur. I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to meet Him too, so bad that I gave up all of the comforts of the year 2009 in order to do so. But it wasn’t meant to be. Still, even if I couldn’t meet Him, I’m glad I was given the opportunity to bring His word to you and your cave family.

Manosaur: Look out, a triceratops!

(A triceratops runs towards Derrick and Manosaur stops it by throwing a spear through its eye and into its small brain)

Derrick: You…you saved my life, Manosaur.

Manosaur: That’s nothing. You saved my soul.

Derrick: I guess I did.

Manosaur: Derrick, do you ever wonder that you’ll change the future by being in the past?

Derrick: No.

Manosaur: See that baby raptor? Kill it for me. I want to see something.

(Derrick steps on the baby raptor and kills it and then as soon as he does he has long sharp teeth and pink curly hair)

Manosaur: You look hilarious!

Derrick: But as far as I know, I’ve always looked like this!

Manosaur: Exactly. Anyway, let’s talk about Jesus.

Derrick: Who?

Manosaur: Jesus! The son of God! The Jesus who’ll die for your sins in 70 million years!

Derrick: I don’t know what you’re talking about. All I know is that I came back in time to play baske–

Manosaur: No! You came back in time to see Jesus! But then you stepped on a baby raptor and now you don’t even know who He is!!

Derrick: Teach me.

Manosaur: I will. It all starts with this book. (Manosaur begins reading from the Bible)

Derrick: This…this seems right.

Manosaur preaches the Word to Derrick, and it is strange because originally Derrick taught Manosaur. When Manosaur finally finishes teaching Derrick about Jesus, suddenly Derrick's hair and teeth go back to normal and the baby raptor springs back to life.

Derrick: Manosaur, I might have saved your soul, but you saved my life AND my soul.

Manosaur: It was nothing. Come on. I want to show you this thing I invented. I call it “fire.”

Derrick: (laughs) Fire, huh? I think I’ve heard of it. It’s going to be big.

Manosaur: (laughs)

Credits

Say the Magic Word

2007-08-02T15:07:00.000-07:00

Wizard: Hello, audience. I am about to say something that will surprise you. Are you ready? Ok. Here it is. Everyone is magic. Yes, even you there in the front. Unfortunately, the magic is locked inside you and chances are, you will never unlock it. Most people live their whole lives completely magic free. After all, a person’s magic can only be unlocked if they utter their magic word, and the word is unique for each person. I myself was lucky enough to say my magic word as a toddler. For me, it was the word “vinvinvinvinvinbatj.” Ever since that day I can do all the magic I want. I’m one of the lucky ones. Come with me, won’t you, as I tell you the story of another soul who unlocked his magic.

Scene: House

12 year-old Ted: Woah! This book says that if I somehow say my magic word, I’ll unlock the magic inside of me. Baploapah! (waits) No, that didn’t seem to do it.

Ted: Neereemincho! Hmmm…nope. Telebaponono! Not that one either. Wow. This is harder than I thought.

Ted: Chrynzimatin! Pluntunree! Zakanojandat! Fjchelbichuck! Darn it! What’s the word?!

Ted’s Mom: Honey? What are you shouting about?

Ted: I’m trying to find my magic word, Mom. Everybody has one and if you say it, if you figure out what yours is, you can do magic!

Ted’s Mom: Yanolaopz!

Ted: Dyclepticip! Helepoastopq!

Ted’s Mom: Ryepzosp! Maoeopalso! Gee, Ted. I still haven’t got it. I guess if it was easy everybody would be a wizard, huh?

Ted: I guess so. Salpchonostrobapox! There’s so many combinations, Mom. I wish…I wish dad were still alive. He’d be able to figure out his word just like that.

Ted’s Mom: I know, Honey. He was always good at that kind of stuff, wasn’t he?

Ted: Yeah... I miss him… Lestoyzelkoff!

Ted’s Mom: Ioqdosvspolav! Xlaoqplblmcnoeiuf!

(The next day)

Ted: Tauaexzyhnslk!

Ted’s Mom: You’re gonna be late for school, Ted. Come on, go catch your bus.

Ted: I’m going, I’m going. Repoiumnhic!

(Ted leaves)

Ted’s Mom: Garlalyoniliafi! (to herself) This is frustrating, but if I get it I just know it’ll be worth it! Opzbmeilkukjer!

Scene: Ted’s School

Ted’s Friend: What’s with all the weird sounds, Ted?

Ted: I read that each person has a word and if they say it, it will unlock their magic powers.

Ted’s Friend: That sounds hard. Wempoiguvelcon! Did it work? Am I magic yet?

Ted: I don’t think so, Friend. I think that when you say it, you’ll know. Farlpobwajibil!

Ted’s Friend: That one MUST have been it! Do you feel magic, Ted?

Ted: No. It’s really hard, Friend. My mom and I were trying to do it all last night. We want to bring my dad back.

Ted’s Friend: Habernamshackle!

Ted: Mirdirnimbleshimpadoo!

Ted’s Friend: Twanvonoshow!

Ted: Quandejimbabbonostrousamble!

Ted’s Friend: Teatambamram! I did it! That was it! I’m magic

Ted: Really? Good job, Friend! That’s awesome! Do some magic!

Ted’s Friend: I can’t do it when you’re watching.

Ted: Friend, did you really unlock your magic?

(Ted’s Friend runs off crying. In the distance, we hear him say “Eapmdabxoxl!” and “Ullahavanosis” and then sob even harder)

Ted: Amderloosetj!

(Meanwhile)

Ted’s Mom: Eyptoamget! Obonobojajam!

At the end of the film, Ted finally stumbles upon his magic word. A blinding orange glow envelopes him, and when it fades Ted has a grey beard and a wizard hat and wizard robes.

Ted’s Mom: You did it! I’m so proud of you! Dad would have been so proud of you! What was it, Honey? What was your magic-unlocking word?

Ted: It was “Love,” Mom. It was “Love.”

Ted’s Mom: Of course. Are you…can you bring Daddy back now? I want us to be a family again.

Ted: Mom…Mom we’re already a family.

Ted’s Mom: (crying) Oh Ted. I just miss your father so much! Can’t you bring him back?

Ted: I love you mom, but I can’t. It’s just us now. We have to accept that. And anyway, that kind of magic takes the power of two wizards.

Ted’s Mom: Jylamopalogis! Kapnalonquist! Xandolobontamont! Oplinbagochambz! Appadapganoibstra!

Ted: (crying) Mom…let it go, Mom. I love you. We’re gonna be okay, Mom.

Ted’s Mom: …

Ted: Mom?

Ted’s Mom: Tapibakvonoink!

Credits